How would you have handled this?

[nonconformnmom]

I had a really rough time yesterday with my 3.5 year old while we were out at a restaurant. We got out to eat maybe once or twice a month, with varying results as far as the children are concerned. Usually, they are about average as far as their behavior goes and nothing that is too difficult to handle. Yesterday, I just reached the end of all my resources and completely screwed up. I ended up in tears about it after we got home because I just feel so at a loss.

My 3.5 year old is going through this thing where she wants to be just like her 17 month old baby sister. So, even though she is potty trained she insists on wearing diapers, a bib, etc. and mimics the behavior of the 17 month old. I know it's temporary and I understand why she wants to be "the baby" again, and I'm fine with all that - while at home. But when we are out in public, I have a very difficult time. Yesterday at the restaurant she began standing on her chair and jumping up and down. My husband and I repeatedly asked her to stop and sit down, but she just smiled and kept doing it. Finally, I calmly walked over and gently helped her sit and quickly engaged her in something else and that worked fine. After we finished our meal, we were walking out of the restaurant and the 17 mo started toddling back into the seating area. Before I knew it, my 3.5 year old (tall and big for her age) started running behind the baby, laughing and looking back at us to see our reaction.

I feared that she would collide with a wait person carrying dishes because she wasn't watching where she was going at all. I hurried after her, feeling rage and defeat as she had not been listening well all evening. She continued laughing and running from me, into the quiet dining room where eveyone was staring. I picked her up and said, 'If you are going to act like a baby, I will have to treat you like one,' and carried her out. (I know, I know , I screwed up.) I was so angry! I physically carried her out of the restaurant and I could not even look at her for hours afterward. I ended up locking myself in a room and crying for a while. (I must be hormonal, I usually don't act like this.)

I need some new tools .... something .... I'm losing my grip. I can't deal with my 3.5 year old confidently like I used to. I used to feel strong as a parent but today I feel like a failure and I'm so tired of trying.

[oliversmum2000]

i dont know what i would have done, i probably would have gotten mad too

sounds tough

[maya44]

What I would have done was to go pick her up and say "Running and looking back like that is not safe. Someone with a big tray with hot things could bump into you. You may not do that"

I would say this while briskly walking out of the restaurant with her in my arms.

I would try not to feel to angry. Sometimes they just have a bad night out. I know that sometimes we feel "defeated" but you have to keep in mind that the answer to the question "How many times am I going to have to tell her to...." is "many, many many times"

[sapphire_chan]

She wants to be treated like a toddler, treat her like a toddler. Assume that she doesn't have the judgement and self control to keep herself safe in certain situations and that she won't readily respond to verbal help. What would you have done if your 17 month old had been on a collision course with the waiter? Grabbed her and pulled her to safety while saying something like "careful sweetie, restaurants are places for sitting, let's go outside where you can work off those wiggles," right? Actually, you probably would have stopped the 17 month old sooner.

[EnviroBecca]

I picked her up and said, 'If you are going to act like a baby, I will have to treat you like one,' and carried her out.

Nothing wrong with that if you managed to say it in a gentle tone and if that IS how you treat the baby. If your older daughter wants to pretend to be a toddler, I say you treat her the way you'd treat a GENTLY DISCIPLINED toddler. Don't show anger at the immature behavior; try to act as if you really believe she's younger.

I hope things get easier soon!

[morning glory]

I can see that you are upset with yourself for geting angry but realistically we are all going to get angry sometimes. Try to not be so hard on yourself. Its really hard when you feel like veryone is watching and you are failing. No one likes being ignored at the best of times and certainly not when you are being watched.

With DD wanting to be like the baby...

When DS1 wants to be treated like DS2 I will but it always applies...not just to the things he wants. Like DS2 isn't allowed to eat certain foods or go downstairs by himself to play so those rules apply too. The wanting to be a baby doesn't last long after that.

Don't worry about losing your cool. You didn't do anything that bad...nothing DD should have to work out in therapy later anyway!

Casey

[Kate522]

Have you tried playing "baby" at home? That seemed to work for us. dd1 became "Super Baby"--the amazing baby who could walk and talk, etc. I pretended that she was a baby and gave her lots of attention, gave her a "bath", put her to bed, etc. We both giggled a lot. It stopped a lot of the play acting once she got to really play act with Mommy. We also later talked about all the big girl stuff she can do and how much Mommy and Daddy like her being a big girl, and not a baby like her little sister. As for restaurants, pack crayons, restaurant only toys, sticker books, etc. That'll keep her very busy. As far as you handled the restaurant leaving, I don't have a problem with it. She was in a dangerous situation, and you removed her. She got the message. Does she have a baby doll that she can play act with? Maybe you could role play what needs to happen in a restaurant.

[nonconformnmom]

Thank you everyone. These are great suggestions, and also, you helped me feel not so down about how I handled it. I really appreciate the supportive comments.

[Diane B]

Honestly, from the start of your post, I was expecting something so much worse! I think you did fine, given the circumstances. Could you have done better? Maybe. Were you a terrible mom? No. I'm glad you came here to get some feedback.

I know I can be really hard on myself, but my experience is that an occasional "slip up" once in a while doesn't seem to negatively impact my daughter very much. I remember a friend of mine telling me once that she accidentally said "shame on you" to her four year old, and he just stared at her like, "what's wrong with you, mom?" Because she had been non-shaming 99.9% of the rest of the time, he didn't even understand what she said. That story gave me a lot of hope that my occasional less-than-great mom moments won't harm my daughter!