Consistant Discipline with Very Vocal DD

[muppet729]

I guess this is partly a vent, but I get so frustrated with my in-laws who will point out repeatedly about my child throwing a fit because she doesn't get her way. These fits only last a little bit (in my mind) until she realizes that mommy won't give in.

An example would be that we took some mac and cheese to make at my SIL when there was already some made. I refused to make more when she could eat what was there. DD wasn't happy about it and did her "fit cry" (not in pain, etc) and eventually calmed down and ate the mac and cheese that was already made. My FIL will say that she's spoiled and that's why she's throwing a fit- huh? I mean, if I wanted her to stop, I could give in, but I'm trying to teach her a bigger lessen, and at home and certain other places are good places to do that- as opposed to the middle of a church service or something where lots of people would be disturbed.

I don't know if I'm making my point clearly, but I get frustrated when my IL's comment on her throwing fits, but dont' realize that I have to be consistant so that eventually, her 2yo mind will understand that when I say, "no", I mean "no".

One last thing- I try to explain to them that little kids are little scientists. THey are going to keep trying teh same experiement and see what happens. As adults, we are supposed to help them get teh same results (ie- you hit, timeout, you hit, timeout, you hit, timeout, etc). Eventually, they will realize that they KNOW what will happen and may actually refrain from the initial action to avoid the consequence. However, getting to that point can be a long, noisy road

[velochic]

I think spending the time to do A LOT of explaning helps. Dd is 4 now, but it always helped to get her involved with the "why" of these situations. In your case, with the mac and cheese, one thing that might also have helped is finding something else for her to help with... even if it was putting ice in the tea or whatever. You don't have to "give in", but redirection has ALWAYS been key for us. Instead of "no", how about trying, "let's do this INSTEAD". It's a consistent gentle way of dealing with these sort of things.

[blessed]

What is it that your ILs think you should be doing differently? To me it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing - being consistent with rules once you've lain them down. The important corollary, I think, is to be very selective about your rules. If you've got some dumb rule about everything under the sun she's just going to start to ignore you and always do what she wants. If she knows you only take a position when it's something sensible - and you explain it to her - she's much more likely to go along. And you're exactly right that you don't want her to learn that tantruming is how to get mom to reverse her position.

But sometimes she'll tantrum nonetheless. Maybe not in the expectation that you'll change your mind, but just out of frustration over not having things the way she'd like. Or more often it seems like it's really not even related to the issue at hand at all. Rather, it's that Baby's coming down with a cold, or she didn't get enough sleep the night before, or what have you.

Do they expect you to be hard handed with her for tantruming? Boy, that'll make a kid develop a twitch and a personality disorder quicker than about anything I can think of.

Sounds like you're doing just fine. I'd smile and ignore the ILs.

[morning glory]

Do they expect you to be hard handed with her for tantruming? Boy, that'll make a kid develop a twitch and a personality disorder quicker than about anything I can think of.

Thats what it sounds like to me...what they mean to say to you is "If you were a *good* mother you would spank her and put her in the other room so she knows who is boss. Then she wouldn't be so spoiled!"

I like the redirect idea but really, at two, DD is just sometimes going to have tantrums. Its just the level of emotional control that she is at. You having one along with her or holding them against her isn't going to help. I think you are doing exactly the right thing...let her get over it and move on. They think that she is spoiled because you are "letting her get away with it".

When the in laws feel the need to input I would just use the same *very*calm* voice that you use on DD when she is having a tantrum to say "Thanks, we're doing fine" or "Thats a great suggestion" or something along those lines that might fit the situation but makes it clear you aren't really paying attention to them. You could also ask that they not refer to DD as "spoiled" in front of her. Or tell them that your parenting techniques are not up for discussion. They raised their kids, you get to raise yours. In the end ignorning them is probably the best course of action.

Casey

[Quagmire]

I have an intense 2 year old too. She throws tantrums about a lot of small things. I think she is just intense and hasn't learned to channel her emotions into more productive means yet It's certainly not because throwing tantrums gets her anywhere!

We try not to have a ton of rules (setting things up so she doesn't get met with NO NO NO all the time) and we redirect when she's about to throw a tantrum. I also notice that any kind of hungry/ tired/ bored dynamic makes things worse so we try to head that stuff off at the pass. Prevention is key of course!

ITA with others who asked what your inlaws want you to do instead? I'm curious... not that you necessarily want to ask them and open the floodgates of their opinions...

When people feel a need to make comments about our DD or how we parent her, I just say "I hear you." It doesn't indicate agreement, but it seems to make them feel heard, and usually stops the suggestions right there

Good luck!