Can't.....stand...the....WHINING!!!!!!!!!!

[BlueStateMama]

Please, for the love of all that is holy, help me deal with DS's whining. It's honestly my biggest obstacle to being completely GD (the most likely thing to finally push me over the edge and I'll finally snap, "ENOUGH WHINING!!") I've done (endlessly) the role-playing/demonstrations of "whiney voice" v. using "nice words"...he's too little to get "tone of voice" so I try to keep my word choices simple, but clear. Granted, he tends to whine the most towards the end of the day, after his father gets home from work - so I know he's starting to get tired, a bit hungry, etc (although he takes a good afternoon nap and has plenty of healthy snacks.) It's just that when I'm rushing around trying to get dinner ready, he'd rather stand near me and whine, repeatedly, than play with his father. I try so hard to be patient and gentle, but it's the music to my stress:

"I waaaaaaaaaant my DINNER!!"

"Sweetie, mommy is cooking it now and it's not done. Here, would you like a banana while you're waiting?"

"Noooooooooo. Maaaaaaaaamaaaaaaa, I waaaaaaaaaaaant my dinnner!!"

Repeat repeat repeat. It's not just dinner time, there are other examples, but he's just really picked up with the whining lately and it's getting more frequent and persistent. I'm not quite sure I'm handling this right and I'd like some guidance from the experts here!!

[cee3]

I don't have any help for you, but I just wanted to thank you for posting this...I almost did the same, word for word. Interestingly, my DS is almost exactly the same age as yours (7/31/03) and I'm being driven over the edge. My DS wakes up whining (in the morning and after naps) and it takes him about two hours to get back to his normal, cheerful self. On top of that, I have a 4 week old and a MIL here "helping" (yeah, right) for 2 1/2 weeks. Oh my, the whining needs to stop! I'm here with you, man!!

[morning glory]

I SO feel your pain.

In a situation like the supper one could you try bumping supper up 15 minutes or a half hour (even if its just for him) so it doesn't get to that point?

When my son uses the make-your-ears-bleed whiny voice I tell him its really hard for me to understand a whiny voice...it might work better if he uses his normal voice. Of course that may not be so helpful if you can't actually give him what he is asking for.

With the supper thing why not try something like "I know! I am so hungry too. I can't wait for supper!" and then offer him choices like "you can help mama cook or go play with Daddy" or "you can have a snack or watch 10 mintues of a video". OReven have him set the table to help mama get supper ready faster. I find choices really help because they have to stop and think for a second.

I really hope that whining is just a phase...seems like every kids goes through it but not too many adults walk around talking like that! I think mostly if you don't reward it they stop using it. Which is good news if your ears don't fall off before that happens.

Casey

[lisac77]

This must be and almost-3-year-old thing because my DS is the king of whiners. Like a PP, he is especially bad when he's just woken up or is hungry/tired.

With him, though, he'll just prostrate himself on the floor and go "WAAAAHHHHH!" not in a crying way, but in a whining way. I try to ignore it but then I'll usually ask him to use his words to tell me what's wrong so that I can help him. This generally does not work at all and the whining escalates until I lose my cool and yell because, dude. It drives me completely crazy.

[gabry]

No solution to all whining of course, but for the preparing dinner times, can you ask dh to be in charge of entertaining your ds, preferably elsewhere? That works for us most the time for those specific moments.

[Stephane]

Oh may I join the club? My dd (8/13/03) whines all day. It's unpredictable, but is worse when she's tired. She's been known to do it all day long though, even with a grand buffet laid out before her or right after a good night's sleep. I tell her she's hurting my ears and I can't understand, I ask her to ask in a nicer voice, I empathize, but there's just no end to it. I will say that I rely on Dora the Explorer time A LOT more than I'd like to admit.

She is very particular too. I don't know if it's her personality, her age, or a combo of the two, but she will freak out over the simplest things (like this morning when Daddy parked his car in the driveway the "wrong' way)!

[VikingKvinna]

I keep trying to tell DS, who'll turn 3 in July, that "I don't speak Whinese."

ITA with the suggestion to bump his dinner up, if possible. My DS usually starts his snacky, four-course dinner while I'm making or finishing DP's and my dinner, around 4-4:30. He also usually gets to play with something special in the kitchen (PlayDoh, a big bucket full of water on a towel with cups and different containers for pouring, etc.) during this time. We listen to the radio and sing and it's generallya very nice time. I have my 3-month-old DD in a wrap -- and, OK, I usually have a glass of wine around that time, too. : Then when DP and I are eating, DS usually goes into the living room to play by himself or occupies himself in the kitchen and we have a relatively peaceful meal.

DS tends to do most of his whining after his afternoon nap. I try to come up w/a fun, sometimes-new activity every afternoon, and we talk about it before he goes to nap -- "When you wake up, we'll eat lunch and then do your new puzzle" or "...go outside" or whatever it is. Then I remind him when he wakes up. If he's particularly whiny, I just let him stew in his own juices, so to speak, while I hang out or putter around nearby. I tell him "When you're ready to get up and have your diaper changed and then go do X, let me know..." Usually he chills out for 5-10 minutes, and comes running to find me and then we go about our day. The best thing I know to do when he gets particularly whiny (if it's not for any good, obvious reason, like he's hungry or needs some Mommy Time, or whatever) is to separate us -- find something enticing for him to do in another room, like his LeapPad, which he loves, or even a video, or some arts and crafts (he LOVES to pick glue off his fingers, so we "glue" a lot). It often seems like the solution, selfish though it sounds, is for me to stop hearing him whine -- because it drives me nuts too, and I think he can almost sense that, kwim? And then it turns into a nuclear arms race of whining on his part and annoyance on mine, and escalates until I snap. So if I can head off my annoyance at the pass, by separating us and/or getting him involved in something else, it all goes much more smoothly. I hope that makes sense.

Good luck, mamas! Hey,cheer up, pretty soon they'll stop whining and start asking for the car keys instead.

[BlueStateMama]

Good responses. It makes me feel better knowing that other mamas are dealing with this too (I always take hope in "phase" type behaviors, if I know it's relatively common, it makes me feel a bit better!) Moving dinner up for everyone isn't really an option b/c I get moving and pretty much crank out dinner in 30 minutes as soon as DH comes in the door at 6. With the little one being so mobile, and being, well, a baby, she needs too much supervision at this time for me to cook dinner with both underfoot. I honestly don't think it's a hunger issue - I don't limit healthy snacks after his afternoon nap and by the time we sit down (which is optional for DS, usually he plays near the table) he's pretty well fed (he's never been a dinner kid anyways...mostly likes to graze on yogurt, fruit, crackers, cheese...etc. - sometimes he'll join us and pick, but not every night.)

DH tries to "take" the kids, but DS tends to gravitate back towards me for his nightly whine serenade.

Some good ideas here, though, and I really appreciate hearing that others are dealing with this too (and that I'm not the only one who, by evening, feels like her head will explode when listening to whining!! )

[PikkuMyy]

I do all the redirecting, choices, etc. that I can but when it comes down to it, "I can't understand you when you talk like that". Period. I simply don't hear whining.

[rosebuds]

When the whine is due to true emotion...hunger, tired, frustrated, sad, I am not really comfortable with the "I dont understand whining" response, really they are expressing how they are really feeling...NOT THAT IT IS EASIER TO LISTEN TO! but in those cases I try to humour them out of it. Try to make them feel lighter for a moment so that they can snap out of it to help with a solution.

However, when the whine is just for the sake of a whine. Like when they want a candy that they know they shouldn't have I clearly let them know calmly that I wont listen to the whine.

KWIM?

[EnviroBecca]

Well, this is what my mom used to do, which was very effective:

"I waaaaaaaaaant my DINNER!!"

"I don't like that whining voice. If you want to stay in the kitchen you'll have to use a nice voice."

"Noooooooooo. Maaaaaaaaamaaaaaaa, I waaaaaaaaaaaant my dinnner!!"

"Whining will not get you what you want. Go outside please." (guides child out the door. If child falls down in a shrieking fit, ignores child and goes back to cooking.)

(moments later) "Mama, can I eat something while I'm waiting for dinner?"

"Sure! Would you like a banana or a glass of milk?"

Her tone was very important: not angry, but very firm, with not the slightest attempt to placate me. It wasn't that she was disinterested in solving my problem; it was that she would not negotiate with a whiner. The moment I spoke in a normal voice, she became very pleasant and helpful.

Recently she told me that this approach was a reaction to the way HER mother handled whining: frantic attempts to fix everything for the child immediately, speaking in a very sweet apologetic tone, but unable to control the body language that conveyed to her children, "I'm phenomenally irritated with you and your neediness, and I wish you would just disappear right now!" My mom NEVER calls anyone sweetie or honey or darling because she associates those words with pretending there isn't a problem when there is.

ITA that when you notice whining happens repeatedly in a particular situation, preventing that situation will help. Sounds like your son needs a late-afternoon snack!

[annarosa]

I would really lean hard on DH to play with ds and let you get the dinner prepared in peace .....you say ds gravitates back towards you - really it is for dh to make sure that this does not happen - can you offer some ideas to dh - can they go play outside a bit or have something special to do together just before dinner - a specific game or cuddles or something ??

[newmommy]

Whining is a sure way to raise my anxiety level...QUICKLY. I get home from work at 6:30pm, tired, hot, sweaty, hungry...you name it. But, despite this these things I try so hard to put on my sweet Mommy smile/voice to greet DS when I get home.

Unfortunately, he's been an angel for DH during the day and save all his Tantrums/Meltdowns and Whineyness for Yours-Truly.

I walk in the door by 6:30...by 6:45pm, DS is letting his steam out-arching his back, screaming, "Noooooo Milk" I give him Milk "Nooooo Water" I give him water, he throws IT and himself down on the floor and have a Complete Meltdown.

And I am standing there Hot, Sweat dripping down my face, Hungry, In my work clothes trying to console an Angry Toddler.

You are not alone.

[Maple Leaf Mama]

Originally Posted by VikingKvinna

I keep trying to tell DS, who'll turn 3 in July, that "I don't speak Whinese."

My DD who is also an 03 baby (Aug 26) is big into the whining right now.
I've said to her would you like some cheese with that whine and she wrinkles her brow and looks at me like I have 3 heads. That makes me laugh and breaks the tension. (for about .3 of a second)

I think it must be the age. And that maybe it worked ONCE and so they keep trying it.
Because we all know that if you do something ONCE, it must be like that every time from then on.

No advice. Just understanding.

[Mom2Samanthabella]

Im just joining the club too LOL mine will be 3 in september its so good to know im not alone

i do the "nice voice" and i dont understand whining/crying, when you cry honey i cant undestand you i have to say it works but not all the time

MAJOR trigger is of course beeing tired ,for the first time yesterday i stayed calm Very calmed she was having a fit in target (MAJOR fit) because she was trying on shoes and she wanted to walk the whole target WITH those shoes at to wich i told you can walkallyou like here in the shoe part where theres carpet and i can see you

she was wearing a shoe 2 sizes bigger than she is so i was trying to find her propersize and keepan eye on her she went off to the floor part where i could not see her so i went and got her Hon i know thesoundof thoseshoes on the floor is amuzing but i havent paid for those shoes and when you go to that side i cant see you and i worry
so next time i see you cant stay close im goingtoput you in the cart

okshe stood next to me for a while and surely enough she went back to the floor where i couldent see her so i went dident say a word and sat her in the cart

OMG hell must be a VERY pleasent place compared of her screaming the second i sat her there i used all the self control i know i have not to say i told you so not to lecture her i had peoplestaring at us but i tried toignore them and stay calmed all i said was i dont understand whining
and went to another side of the storeso she could foreget the shoes

she eventually calmed down i had mixed feelings moreof that i think is the embarrasment we feel cuz the people arround us think we are not doing anything about it

on the other hand i KNEW she was tired that was a fact target is VEY far away from us and we use Public transportation but she had a growing spurt and she had literally no shoes LOL and the target ones fit her so nice she says so we go there mostlyf or shoes and since its so far away i look arround incase i see some good bargain

another HUGE mistake i dident take the ergo i will NEVER leave it AGAIN i think if she had slept a bit she would not have been so cranky

Im reading positive Discipline for preschoolers and im liking it i think i would of not been able to stay so calmed if it wasent for some stuff in the book
im a yeller and i explode so easily it was SOOO HARD to do that

anyone else like this book ?? and any other good recomendations

[boheime]

What about enlisting the entire family to help get dinner ready. If your dh is too tired to help right then, he can at least sit in the kitchen and chat with the family. He can help get dishes for your ds to set the table with. They could make whatever creative appetizers they could come up with.

Dinner is entirely a social event at our house. It is much more fun to do it as a family - turn on the music and we all dance while making it, chat about whatever, etc.

[BlueStateMama]

Tonight was better. I sent everyone (DH, DS and DD) outside while I cooked. I actually really like to do dinner on my own - cooking relaxes me (well, the glass of wine I have *while* I cook is mighty effective too...but I digress. ) Thank goodness for warmer weather in New England!!!

We deal with the whining periodically throughout the day, but I'm honestly just happy to hear that (a) other 2 1/2 year olds do this with frequency and (b) it drives other mamas nuts too!!

(although, I'm not proud of the fact that today when ds whined "I waaaaaant to watch Max and WOOOBY!!" I said, "Well, buddy, I want to be a supermodel, but that ain't happening anytime soon." )

[lisac77]

Originally Posted by BlueStateMama

(although, I'm not proud of the fact that today when ds whined "I waaaaaant to watch Max and WOOOBY!!" I said, "Well, buddy, I want to be a supermodel, but that ain't happening anytime soon." )

I've started singing the song "You Can't Always Get What You Want" to DS in my best Mick Jagger impersonation.

It doesn't work either, but it makes ME feel better.

[Stephane]

Originally Posted by BlueStateMama

Tonight was better. I sent everyone (DH, DS and DD) outside while I cooked. I actually really like to do dinner on my own - cooking relaxes me (well, the glass of wine I have *while* I cook is mighty effective too...but I digress. ) Thank goodness for warmer weather in New England!!!

We deal with the whining periodically throughout the day, but I'm honestly just happy to hear that (a) other 2 1/2 year olds do this with frequency and (b) it drives other mamas nuts too!!

(although, I'm not proud of the fact that today when ds whined "I waaaaaant to watch Max and WOOOBY!!" I said, "Well, buddy, I want to be a supermodel, but that ain't happening anytime soon." )

Awww! Libby loves Max and Ruby too! I honestly feel better knowing other kids are doing this and other mamas are pulling their hair out too. Its been awhile since I've had an opinionated toddler.

What really helps me alot is to remember that even though she's big and asserting her independence, she's still just a baby for the most part emotionally. I don't get upset with the baby when he cries, although his needs are decidedly less complex.

[jenmk]

When my DS (3.5 yo) whines, I either say "That's not how you get what you want, talking to me like that." or "Is that how you get what you want, talking like that? You need to use a gentle, normal voice." It's always stated in a calm, open manner--never demeaning or nasty--just matter of fact. It works really well. Especially when I pose the question form to him. He immediately repeats his request without the whine. That's not to say he always gets what he wants when he asks without the whine--there are plenty of times when I cannot or choose not to fulfill his request for whatever reason (and I do take the time to explain why it can't happen even though he asked again in a regular voice, and that I really appreciated how he asked me).

We started this approach from the first sign of whining in DS, and he doesn't whine as much as it sounds like other's kids do on this thread. So perhaps this works because he's not a world champion whiner to begin with? Not sure. I guess we'll see with #2 and eventually #3!

Good luck!