DD isn't invited to *another* wedding

[rebeccalizzie]

Okay, please please please don't turn this into a "should kids be invited to weddings" thread. I have my own opinions on that, but I need help with my specific situation. My DD (who is 10) isn't invited to our friends' wedding next month. This is the third close friend wedding in a year she wasn't invited to, and she knows all the brides and grooms pretty well and is feeling *really* hurt.

I've explained that it has nothing to do with her personally, that if they invited her they'd have to invite all the kids, and sometimes that gets overwhelming. I've also explained that weddings are really expensive and maybe they can't afford extra people, or that maybe they don't want a bunch of 2 year olds screaming, but if they invited her they'd have to have the 2 year olds. She seems to get it...but she's still a bit hurt. She didn't care when it was a work wedding for people she'd never met, but these are friends of ours who she knows well enough to feel rejected.

DH and I are both planning to attend this wedding, DD is staying home with my mom (who she adores, and who adores her). Any advice on something special I can do for DD so she isn't as hurt, or anything?

TIA!

[CryPixie83]

Ouch. I totally see why she's feeling hurt, I would be too. Maybe she and your mom could go to a movie and get ice cream, spend the day at the park, paint (not just paper, a birdhouse, a decoration for her room, etc), go to an amusement park (roller coasters will take just about any kid's mind off of a wedding!). Just think about her interests and what your mom is able to do and go from there. Also, don't forget to bring her home a piece of wedding cake, yummy! After my wedding, we ate leftover cake for three days straight

[griffin2004]

So sorry your girl's feelings are hurt. That really sucks not to be included just because of your age. Is there any chance she could go to just the reception?

[TinkerBelle]

It would be difficult for the couple to just invite 1 child and not everyone else's.

It also would be rude to inquire if someone who is not invited could come anyway, IMO.

I think that this is a good learning experience. We do not always get to do what we want in life. We also do not get included in everything.

I am sorry the child is feeling left out, though. Perhaps, as suggested by another poster, that she can have a special day out with Grandma or whoever is caring for her that day.

[alegna]

Personally I am offended at this sort of situation and would choose to not have any of us attend to demonstrate my support for my child.

-Angela

[AngelBee]

Originally Posted by alegna

Personally I am offended at this sort of situation and would choose to not have any of us attend to demonstrate my support for my child.

-Angela

Me too.

Dh and I do not attend adult only weddings. We send a card with well wishes.

[rebeccalizzie]

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

It would be difficult for the couple to just invite 1 child and not everyone else's.

It also would be rude to inquire if someone who is not invited could come anyway, IMO.

I think that this is a good learning experience. We do not always get to do what we want in life. We also do not get included in everything.

I am sorry the child is feeling left out, though. Perhaps, as suggested by another poster, that she can have a special day out with Grandma or whoever is caring for her that day.

That's my opinion. It's their party, they are paying for it, and they can invite whomever they please. I've also been not-invited to weddings of fairly close friends (as an adult), mostly because they want a small intimate wedding, or family only, or whatever reason they feel like! DH and I can simply decide if we want to attend or not. If I was offended, I wouldn't attend, but I'm not offended--I just want to make DD feel better, and we have decided to attend. I mostly just feel bad for DD, but I do attend other adult-only functions so it's not like I never ever leave her. What I usually do is save my favor for DD, and bring her a piece of cake. So she knows I'm thinking of her.

Anyway, I think the special time with Grandma is the best idea. I'm sure my mom probably already has something fun planned, but I may mention that she could use some extra special attention, maybe they can go see a movie or do something we don't ordinarily do.

[Calidris]

Ahh well, when your dd gets to marrying age, and all the older relatives and friends wonder why they aren't invited you can remind them.

On topic, is there something special they can do together? go out for a fancy tea that involves dressing up? something like that?

[wombat]

I think it's a nice idea to plan something special for her. I don't know - what is she interested in? Maybe fun park tickets? A concert? A fancy afternoon tea? If money is an object, I'd reduce the value of the wedding gift in order to provide your daughter with a fun outing.

I still remember not being invited to my half brother's wedding. I was only 4 at the time but it left a pretty strong memory.

[rebeccalizzie]

Originally Posted by Calidris

Ahh well, when your dd gets to marrying age, and all the older relatives and friends wonder why they aren't invited you can remind them.

On topic, is there something special they can do together? go out for a fancy tea that involves dressing up? something like that?

LOL...I like that! I'll have to tell DD, she'll get a kick out of that idea (yeah, it's mean, but she'll laugh about it).

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by rebeccalizzie

That's my opinion. It's their party, they are paying for it, and they can invite whomever they please. I've also been not-invited to weddings of fairly close friends (as an adult), mostly because they want a small intimate wedding, or family only, or whatever reason they feel like! DH and I can simply decide if we want to attend or not. If I was offended, I wouldn't attend, but I'm not offended--I just want to make DD feel better, and we have decided to attend. I mostly just feel bad for DD, but I do attend other adult-only functions so it's not like I never ever leave her. What I usually do is save my favor for DD, and bring her a piece of cake. So she knows I'm thinking of her.

Anyway, I think the special time with Grandma is the best idea. I'm sure my mom probably already has something fun planned, but I may mention that she could use some extra special attention, maybe they can go see a movie or do something we don't ordinarily do.

Your daughter will learn a lot of good things from you. You have a very tolerant and mature attitude about this. I can see why people do get offended sometimes, too.

I am never offended if I get an "adults-only" invite. If we cannot get a sitter, which believe me, is a RARE thing in our house, we just do not go and send our best wishes. This is not a hill I wish to die on.

[velochic]

And you honestly thought this could be something other than a "no kids at weddings debate"??? Some people cannot resist.

Do you know these people well enough that you could ask them to do something special with your dd BEFORE the wedding? Perhaps she could tag along with the bride for a fitting, then the two of them have a grown-up lunch. Could she attend the rehearsal? Barring that, maybe you could ask dd to choose something (within reason) that she'd always wanted to do, but hadn't gotten the chance to do yet. Make that day the special day for her.

[whateverdidiwants]

Originally Posted by alegna

Personally I am offended at this sort of situation and would choose to not have any of us attend to demonstrate my support for my child.

Me, too.

Ahh well, when your dd gets to marrying age, and all the older relatives and friends wonder why they aren't invited you can remind them.

Believe me, I thought about doing that when I got married. I had an uncle who got married and didn't invite any "children" - we were all in our late teens!

[rebeccalizzie]

Originally Posted by velochic

And you honestly thought this could be something other than a "no kids at weddings debate"??? Some people cannot resist.

Do you know these people well enough that you could ask them to do something special with your dd BEFORE the wedding? Perhaps she could tag along with the bride for a fitting, then the two of them have a grown-up lunch. Could she attend the rehearsal? Barring that, maybe you could ask dd to choose something (within reason) that she'd always wanted to do, but hadn't gotten the chance to do yet. Make that day the special day for her.

That is an awesome idea--unfortunately I'm not quite that close to the bride or groom, but I'm keeping it in mind if it happens again. We aren't in the wedding, so we aren't going to the rehearsal ourselves, but I do like the idea of letting her partially plan her outing. When we see my mom on Saturday, I'll have DD talk to her and plan out what they want to do, she'll have fun doing that.

Thanks for all the suggestions, everyone!

[HealingBeam]

Personally I am offended at this sort of situation and would choose to not have any of us attend to demonstrate my support for my child.

Me too.

Yes, it's their wedding, they're paying and all... but they should at least explain their decision to her (in some way... to make her feel better about not being invited).

[GranoLLLy-girl]

OK, here's the thing--wedding aside. When someone does not validate the feeings of a ten year old child (which to me is very different than not having "little kids" there) and the parents attend the wedding, it reinforces the feelings of not being validated/wanted by the child. Let me see if I can clarify.
The child is not invited. The message is: you are not wanted.
The parents attend the wedding anyway. The message is: you may not be wanted, but we don't care enough about how you feel--and we will attend the event anyway.
I think that this is the case only because you said the child knows these people really well AND was hurt that she was not invited.
This is an EXTREME example--but it reminded me of this thing I saw on Oprah (I know, but I still like some of what she has to say)...where a woman, now as an adult in her 30s or so, was attending an event who had been sexually abused as a child and her parents/family invited the person who assaulted her to the event.
It sent the message that they either did not believe her, or that they didn't care enough about her feelings to not invite someone who had injured her.
The parents assumed that now that she was an adult (in her 30s, I think, the abuse happened years before), that it didn't matter anymore--but that's not the message that the adult daughter got.
I KNOW that this is not the same--and that is an extreme example! But, the feelings of not being validated kind of go along the same lines--but of course, in a much more minor way. I am not comparing not being invited to a wedding to be the same as having an attacker at a party--there is NO comparison there.
The comparison is the feelings of being validated when parents make choices that seem to override the child's feeings of self-worth for the sake of other people (the wedding party, or guests at a party).
So anyway, I guess it sends a message to the daughter about her value.
On the other hand, if she just mentioned that she would like to go, but that no children were allowed and she understood that, then I would attend the wedding. If she didn't seem too upset, then it wouldn't be that much of an issue.
But because you are posting about it, I would think that it must be a big issue to her. If she is heartbroken, I would say one parent attend, the other stay home and do something special with her that day, something that says: you are important! The wedding party will recover and will probably not even remember your presence at their event; your daughter will remember her self-worth for much longer than you might realize.

[Milky Way]

I vote on planning a really cool day/weekend for her and grandma. My parents went to weddings all the time when I was little without us, sometimes we where invited(my parents didn't let us go anyway) and sometimes we where not. It was hard on me as the oldest esp when my aunt got married but my parents went out of their way to plan a GREAT day for us with my grandmother or another family friend. We went to Bush gardens we went to the beach, we had picnics etc...My parents tried not to make a big deal out of us not going and instead made a big deal about what we got to do instead. In the end I had a WAY better time at the zoo then I ever would have at a wedding.

[lilsishomemade]

I understand where your daughter is coming from. I was always a little more mature than other kids, but I was still considered a "kid" by the adults, so I sometimes felt like I was being held back or whatever Still, I bet she'll have tons of fun with grandma, and if you bring her a piece of cake, that'll really be something nice to end the day with!

[rebeccalizzie]

But because you are posting about it, I would think that it must be a big issue to her. If she is heartbroken, I would say one parent attend, the other stay home and do something special with her that day, something that says: you are important! The wedding party will recover and will probably not even remember your presence at their event; your daughter will remember her self-worth for much longer than you might realize.

No, that's not the case. She isn't heartbroken, she's a bit hurt, and she says she understands the reasoning--mostly she just wishes she could go, and she is a bit like lilishomemade--she is older, and can get along quite well with adults. She knows she is important to us, and if it were that big of deal to her I would possibly stay home. I just posted about it because I wanted suggestions.

[Shenjall]

I'm sorry your daughter feels left out. It sucks sometimes.....

But anyhoo, I think a nite out with g-ma might be fun. All of you can get ready together and put on some "fancy" clothes and leave at the same time. You go to wedding; they go out for dinner and dessert. Would she like that?
I know my dd looks for any excuse to dress up....

I thought of something else, maybe your dd could send her own congrats card with some warm wishes in it? It might make her feel included. Just a thought......