Originally Posted by peilover010202
So, how then, can I approach this in a way to set a "this far and no more" boundary when dh isn't in agreement? He's willing to ask her to cut back on the frequency of visits, but even this is only to appease me.
I don't approach him about that subject when we are around our children, because I think that it is inappropriate for them to see us disagreeing on something so fundamental to the stability of our marriage. I wait until we are alone, usually on a date; for me, the important thing is that there isn't any tension between us in other areas. I stick to one thing, the relationship with MIL. I am very respectful of both DH and his mother.
I tell him WHAT I see, HOW I am feeling about it, and WHAT I would like to see happen differently. I try very hard to not get emotional, as that closes the discussion (at least for us), and try to give specific examples of what I am seeing. I tell him how what I am seeing is affecting the children, and what I feel about that.
I seek his input on the subject, and let him know that I really DESIRE to hear his opinion and thoughts. I ask him if he needs some time to think about it, and if we need to "table the discussion" until our next date. I also let him know that if he feels that he cannot take appropriate action, for whatever reason, I will.
For example, we recently had an incident where FIL completely disrespected my authority with my Ds. Dh wasn't around, so I became very firm and stood my ground. FIL was not happy, but too bad. I discussed it with DH, and told him that if we could not resolve it to where it would not happen again, I didn't feel comfortable having our children visit his parents, as I could see the long-term consequences of such incidents snowballing. After we talked about it, Dh saw the truth of what I was saying and agreed that HE needed to set the boundaries, and that he would indeed do so.
Now, we don't always come to such a nice resolution so easily, but the important part is that we try to remember that we are on the same team, try to be respectful of each other, and try to keep working at it until the problem is solved.
Mainly, I would say, just keep reiterating to you Dh that this is a real problem, and don't let it go until you get the results that you need.