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I feel defeated...MIl rant and GD, UPDATE #64 - Page 3

post #41 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by peilover010202
So, how then, can I approach this in a way to set a "this far and no more" boundary when dh isn't in agreement? He's willing to ask her to cut back on the frequency of visits, but even this is only to appease me.
Here's what I've done that has really helped my dh and I. My dh cannot see the problem that his MIL causes in our family and our marriage. However, he does acknowlege that there could be one, and he just doesn't get it, so he is willing to listen to me on that topic.

I don't approach him about that subject when we are around our children, because I think that it is inappropriate for them to see us disagreeing on something so fundamental to the stability of our marriage. I wait until we are alone, usually on a date; for me, the important thing is that there isn't any tension between us in other areas. I stick to one thing, the relationship with MIL. I am very respectful of both DH and his mother.

I tell him WHAT I see, HOW I am feeling about it, and WHAT I would like to see happen differently. I try very hard to not get emotional, as that closes the discussion (at least for us), and try to give specific examples of what I am seeing. I tell him how what I am seeing is affecting the children, and what I feel about that.

I seek his input on the subject, and let him know that I really DESIRE to hear his opinion and thoughts. I ask him if he needs some time to think about it, and if we need to "table the discussion" until our next date. I also let him know that if he feels that he cannot take appropriate action, for whatever reason, I will.

For example, we recently had an incident where FIL completely disrespected my authority with my Ds. Dh wasn't around, so I became very firm and stood my ground. FIL was not happy, but too bad. I discussed it with DH, and told him that if we could not resolve it to where it would not happen again, I didn't feel comfortable having our children visit his parents, as I could see the long-term consequences of such incidents snowballing. After we talked about it, Dh saw the truth of what I was saying and agreed that HE needed to set the boundaries, and that he would indeed do so.

Now, we don't always come to such a nice resolution so easily, but the important part is that we try to remember that we are on the same team, try to be respectful of each other, and try to keep working at it until the problem is solved.

Mainly, I would say, just keep reiterating to you Dh that this is a real problem, and don't let it go until you get the results that you need.
post #42 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by peilover010202
So, how then, can I approach this in a way to set a "this far and no more" boundary when dh isn't in agreement? He's willing to ask her to cut back on the frequency of visits, but even this is only to appease me.
Maybe it would be helpful to approach the whole situation with your dh in terms of how you are feeling and what you are needing, without really getting into the appropriateness or lack thereof of your MIL's behavior. Take the time to fully listen to his concerns as well, and to express compassion for and a willingness to try to understand your MIL. My dh and I find that when we are both fully communicating our own feelings, and take the time to really listen to each other, we are able to come to resolutions. This really is about your needs, as you have no control over what kind of person your MIL is. I think it's fine to say, essentially, "this is what I really need in order to feel safe and to find a way to get along with your mother better. I'd really like to improve my relationship with her."
post #43 of 74
s momma! It is hard to deal w/ other people's parents - especially in cases like this. I agree w/ lots of advice given above. I just wanted to add that your MIL seems to have the mentality of a 2YO - take comfort in the fact that you will do a good job raising your DS and that someday (probably soon!) his emotional maturity will surpass hers.
post #44 of 74
I mean this with all due respect, but do you honestly feel your husband would divorce you for setting boundries with what is (imo) abusive behavior towards your son by your mil? I mean, yeah, family is family and I get that, but the family who should come first here is YOUR family -- your dh, the woman he married and pledged his life too, to honor, cherish, put ABOVE ALL OTHERS (that would be you lol) and his son.

I mean, I really don't care for ultimatums and I wouldn't pose one to your husband by all means, but seriously, something has to give. No one can or should be able to force you to have a relationship with someone who obviously upsets you, undermines you and your parenting, and doesn't respect you or the way you parent your son. I would severely cut down on the visits from mil. I would gently but firmly say to my husband that I realize she is his mother and he loves her, that she continuously undermines me as a wife, mother, and woman and I cannot have frequent visits with her, but he is more than welcome to see her whenever he pleases.
post #45 of 74
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain crunchy
I mean this with all due respect, but do you honestly feel your husband would divorce you for setting boundries with what is (imo) abusive behavior towards your son by your mil? I mean, yeah, family is family and I get that, but the family who should come first here is YOUR family -- your dh, the woman he married and pledged his life too, to honor, cherish, put ABOVE ALL OTHERS (that would be you lol) and his son.
Umm, my dh's family is strange at best. They don't have boundaries at all, all are passive aggressive and refuse to communicate any feelings at all. Sometimes, I have no idea how dh managed to grow up in this household. BUT, he does have loyalty to her. He does to me too, but obviously there is friction here and he is always in the middle of it.

Do I think he'd divorce me? No, but do I think that if he's not on board with it, it will damage our marriage? Absolutely. That's what I'm not willing to risk at this point.

I think this will definitely require us to sit down and talk and be ready to hear things we may not want to hear. Which is always difficult Esp when someone's talking about your own mother
post #46 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by peilover010202
...Dh and I have always taught him to be empathetic...So, we're not trying to say no "because we said so." And, I've never eluded to that.
Oops, I should have quoted the remarks I was responding to, which came from sledg, not from you.

I was trying to respond to her comment to me that "it's ridiculous for an adult to be hurt by the actions of a 2.5 yo..." which seemed contrary to teaching a child empathy.

Sorry for the distraction. Please, move on! Sounds like you're getting a lot of good counsel here!
post #47 of 74
GROAN...IL's are so tough.

My IL's used to drop by unannounced ALL the time. They felt they could b/c I was at home during the day AND renting their house. I guess they felt it was their right.

Anyway, once, I came to the door in my robe and looked very irritated. They asked if I was sleeping (2:30 in the afternoon) WTH?? and I said I was back from the gym and getting into the shower. They left.

Another time I said I'm sorry, I can't visit now, I'm on my way out to the grocery store. If you had called first to let me know you were coming over I would have had you in for coffee.

I'm horrendous with avoiding situations that make me feel uncomfortable. But this "Nova Scotian" habit of just dropping in HAD to stop.

I told DH to talk to them. (Which just happened to be at dinner one night) and made everyone uncomfortable. And they knew who was the force behind it.

Remember that it is your house and if it's not a good time, be sure to say that.
You didn't mention if DH is at home when MIL drops by. If he isn't, make up a reason why she can't come in. (it worked for me)
And I agree: if she comes by past 6:30/7:00 at night: it's wind down time. FULL STOP!
This should not be an issue for your DH as it causes issues for your son.
And if it is during the day, explain to DH that YOU are the one who is busy with the house and DS and MIL's frequent unannounced visits disrupt your day, which is frustrating-especially when you have plans that need to be altered/cancelled.

WHY is it so hard for her to call first?? This is a good question for your DH to answer.

What it all comes down to is this: the failure to call demonstrates a clear disregard for you. She is basically saying that your time is not important to her.
This attitude is also evidenced by her treatment of your son. (lack of physical boundaries)
AND (as is the case with my DH) he didn't see any issues with his parents b/c he grew up with them and was used to their non-existant boundaries and smother-love style.
I wasn't and it freaked me out (coming from the other end of the family style spectrum)

This needs to be dealt with soon. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to stop. It's setting a precident.

HUGS-BTDT!
post #48 of 74
Quote:
A child who is 32 months would typically have a very good sense of conscience about hitting - that it is wrong because it hurts people and makes them feel bad. By this age, kids who were still hitting on anything other than an exceptional circumstance would be deemed behavioral problems by most preschools.
I am sorry for any normal healthy 32 month old sent to a preschool that viewed hitting this way.

Between the hundreds of posts to ap boards, including this one, homeschool boards, and the real life children I've met, the "normal" hitting window is somewhere between 12 months and 6 years. Easily! Some children begin hitting as early as 9 or 10 months, and some don't give it up completely until closer to 7 or 8.

Adults have such rigid and reactive ideas about hitting. It's important to learn not to hit, and children will learn that, if you don't hit them, and develop an ongoing dialogue in response to the times they do hit. Some children understand this early, while others don't have the impulse control to stop until they are a little older. If your 12 year old is getting into bar fights then maybe you can start worrying about "behavior problems".
post #49 of 74
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
Oops, I should have quoted the remarks I was responding to, which came from sledg, not from you.

I was trying to respond to her comment to me that "it's ridiculous for an adult to be hurt by the actions of a 2.5 yo..." which seemed contrary to teaching a child empathy.

Sorry for the distraction. Please, move on! Sounds like you're getting a lot of good counsel here!
Blessed - I realize you weren't talking to me now, but I have to say that while telling a child that it hurts when they hit you can teach them to be empathetic, I don't believe that an adult should be hurt or upset when a 2.5yo hits them, or says something hurtful. Sure, they can express that it's hurtful - but I really don't think it should be taken personally when it comes from a child this age. My MIL pouts when ds doesn't give her enough attention and tells dh that ds doesn't like her when he tells her to leave (which usually is around bedtime.) And, I really don't think under these circumstances she should take it personally.
post #50 of 74
Quote:
heartmama - your post actually brought tears to my eyes, because it's the first time I've been forced to realize that my relationship (or lack thereof) is contributing to my ds's confusion about his own grandmother.
I am so glad it helped. I cannot count the times that I, or someone here, have noticed children act the worst when the adults are feeling their worst.

And while I agree your own feelings are part of this, remember that his grandmother herself is sending mixed signals. So is daddy. It's all very confusing to him. Which is why if you and dh and the counselor can agree to a set routine with grandma, it will be easier for everyone to start improving their behavior. It's impossible to make progress when her visits are unpredictable. For your sake, one weekly visit means no more surprises. For dh, it means his mother is still involved. For ds, same thing, he gets to know his grandma. For grandma, most of all, one planned visit a week means that visiting isn't an extension of her impulsive need to control. She has to accept this boundary, and in facing that, other things are likely to fall into place. It's just human nature. When she stops associating you with getting her daily "Fix" of unwanted attention, she will have to direct that elsewhere, which leaves room for another side of her to develop in your home.
post #51 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
I'm curious, if you've not worked on developing empathy and a conscience in your toddler, by what method do you attempt to address violent behavior toward others? Don't hit because...I said so? Just wondering.
I may not have been clear. I will address this briefly, b/c I think it's off topic in this thread. I don't expect my kids (or teach my kids) to do or not do anything "because I said so." I do teach my toddler (and my older children) empathy. A huge part of teaching my kids empathy is extending empathy to them. Another part is communicating to them how their actions affect others, how others feel about the actions. But I do not believe that it is normal or appropriate for an adult to feel emotionally hurt by the actions of a child, especially not by the actions of a toddler. Sometimes a toddler does do something that causes some physical pain and/or something that adults dislike/disapprove of. So I do not tell my children that what they've done hurts the feelings of adults, but I do tell them the following regarding hitting or otherwise exhibiting disrespectful behavior toward adults (among other ways of saying it): "so-and-so doesn't like being hit, she needs to be touched gently."; "Hitting can hurt people's bodies, please touch gently. Use your words to tell us what you need/feel."; "so-and-so doesn't like seeing you stick her tongue out at her, she wants to be treated with respect. Use your words instead."; "I will not let you hit, because hitting hurts." All of that has to also include actually addressing the needs and feelings of the child which led to hitting, and helping them learn to communicate those needs and feelings-and I don't think that leaving in response to being hit teaches either of those things very well, and it doesn't (IMHO) show empathy to the child.

I will tell my children when their actions or words have resulted in another child's feelings (and body) being hurt, b/c children frequently do feel hurt by what other children do and say and this is normal: "ds didn't like it when you yelled at him, being yelled at hurts his feelings and scares him"; "hitting hurts his body and scares him, he needs to feel safe, touch gently."

I do think hitting is normal, age-appropriate (though undesirable) behavior in children of such a young age. It takes time for children to develop empathy-as someone said previously, true empathy doesn't develop until age 6 or 7. I don't expect it from my toddler, though I do communicate how her actions affect others. I am confident that all my kids will develop into empathetic, caring individuals. They show me every day that they are developing these capacities quite nicely.
post #52 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by peilover010202
Blessed - I realize you weren't talking to me now, but I have to say that while telling a child that it hurts when they hit you can teach them to be empathetic, I don't believe that an adult should be hurt or upset when a 2.5yo hits them, or says something hurtful.
Well, start to teach them. I agree with your link to the Sesame Workshop that this is a brain development issue, and that true empathy doesn't come until older.

Blessed, there may, just possibly, be other reasons your child hasn't hit yet. And I have never in my life heard of a 32 month old being labeled as a problem child because they hit. Based solely on my own experience with young children, 32 months is often nearing the peak of hitting.


Quote:
Originally Posted by peilover010202
Sure, they can express that it's hurtful - but I really don't think it should be taken personally when it comes from a child this age. My MIL pouts when ds doesn't give her enough attention and tells dh that ds doesn't like her when he tells her to leave (which usually is around bedtime.) And, I really don't think under these circumstances she should take it personally.
This is very strange behavior, it seems very inappropriate for an adult. How do you react when she says something like that?

Heartmama, I your posts!
post #53 of 74

success story

I was in a similar rut regarding the communication triad with my DH and MIL - she being an intrusive, nosy, opinionated, dominating, overindulgent grandma and showing up at my house far too often. My dd, like your son, also felt the tension in the relationship and began to act out against both of us actually. I have to say that talking too much about it to DH and constantly asking him to mediate really damaged our marriage. He saw me as a judgmental nag and felt torn between the two women he loves most and to whom he feels the most loyalty. Mostly, he felt he had to placate us both, and that did not improve anything because it kept all discussion about it at a superficial level.

So I understood that if I wanted to win the respect of MIL (or at least her willingness to abide by my basic principles), I had to take the responsibility to open communication with her. I had to assert my position as the natural authority in my house, and with my children. Without demonizing her, I told MIL clearly and directly my expectations for her behavior regarding visiting, how she treated my children, and so forth. I shared the principles of my parenting in a positive way and showed her how I wanted her to respond to specific situations. I refused to discuss the relative validity or quality of my methods with her. I then reminded her relentlessly whenever she "forgot" our guiding principles, and after a good struggle she finally accepted it and, though she is still sometimes confused or may even disagree, she is now very respectful of my wishes. She ALWAYS defers to me when she is not sure if I would approve of something or how I would go about it. This took about 6 years of frustration to achieve, but we got here. It would have taken less time if I had just spoken up sooner. We actually almost like each other now! We see her 4-5 times a week, she helps immensely with the childcare, and knows when to leave.

And you know what? Not only have all the relationships between MIL, DH, me and DC improved dramatically on this point, but MIL is actually more open and clear now in her communication with everyone. She is a better listener (used to dominate by talking nonstop) and we are both much more humble with each other. My DH's whole family tiptoed around her for years because she would burst into tears at the slightest hint of criticism. I was the first one to tell her that was unfair and unnecessary. I think that by saying my feelings straight up, I really showed her that I wanted to be on the same team and that I would value her needs too, so she felt safer to be able to express them. All this at the age of 64! It sounds like a lot of your MIL's actions and reactions come from fear, and so helping her feel safe and wanted in the family could help diminish her absurd and immature reactions to your ds's behavior.

So... you may be the person your MIL has been waiting for, to help free her from her own passive-aggressiveness! I hope it all works out for you!
post #54 of 74
Quote:
Originally Posted by sphinx
I think that by saying my feelings straight up, I really showed her that I wanted to be on the same team and that I would value her needs too, so she felt safer to be able to express them. All this at the age of 64!
I think this is really important. I truly believe that when people are behaving in ways that hurt others it's because they have unmet needs-they don't really know how to effectively express those needs and arrange for those needs to be met so they express those unmet needs in these ways that others find hurtful/obnoxious/rude/whatever. A hurting animal tends to either hide or lash out, and hurting people are not all that different. I think when people know we're not out to get them and that we really want to work with them and that we do value their needs, and that we are going to be open about our own needs in a compassionate way, relationships can be healed.
post #55 of 74
Quote:
And I have never in my life heard of a 32 month old being labeled as a problem child because they hit. Based solely on my own experience with young children, 32 months is often nearing the peak of hitting.

Completely agree. In fact I nearly used this exact phrase. I think 32 months is a 'peak age', certainly not the final curtain call for hitters!

Ds was at his worst hitting behavior at 32-33 months. He will be ten years old tomorrow. He doesn't remember hitting anyone in his life. Sometime about 3 and a half he calmed down dramatically and I think he was past it all by 4 and half. I've met, oh, hundreds of parents who thought I was lucky he stopped so early.
post #56 of 74
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
I'm curious, if you've not worked on developing empathy and a conscience in your toddler, by what method do you attempt to address violent behavior toward others? Don't hit because...I said so? Just wondering.
I may not have been clear. I will address this briefly, b/c I think it's off topic in this thread. I don't expect my kids (or teach my kids) to do or not do anything "because I said so." I do teach my toddler (and my older children) empathy. A huge part of teaching my kids empathy is extending empathy to them. Another part is communicating to them how their actions affect others, how others feel about the actions. But I do not believe that it is normal or appropriate for an adult to feel emotionally hurt by the actions of a child, especially not by the actions of a toddler. Sometimes a toddler does do something that causes some physical pain and/or something that adults dislike/disapprove of. So I do not tell my children that what they've done hurts the feelings of adults, but I do tell them the following regarding hitting or otherwise exhibiting disrespectful behavior toward adults (among other ways of saying it): "so-and-so doesn't like being hit, she needs to be touched gently."; "Hitting can hurt people's bodies, please touch gently. Use your words to tell us what you need/feel."; "so-and-so doesn't like seeing you stick her tongue out at her, she wants to be treated with respect. Use your words instead."; "I will not let you hit, because hitting hurts." All of that has to also include actually addressing the needs and feelings of the child which led to hitting, and helping them learn to communicate those needs and feelings-and I don't think that leaving in response to being hit teaches either of those things very well, and it doesn't (IMHO) show empathy to the child.

I will tell my children when their actions or words have resulted in another child's feelings (and body) being hurt, b/c children frequently do feel hurt by what other children do and say and this is normal: "ds didn't like it when you yelled at him, being yelled at hurts his feelings and scares him"; "hitting hurts his body and scares him, he needs to feel safe, touch gently."

I do think hitting is normal, age-appropriate (though undesirable) behavior in children of such a young age. It takes time for children to develop empathy-as someone said previously, true empathy doesn't develop until age 6 or 7. I don't expect it from my toddler, though I do communicate how her actions affect others. I am confident that all my kids will develop into empathetic, caring individuals. They show me every day that they are developing these capacities quite nicely
OT, but brilliant post sledg, just brilliant *applause* I totally agree. I too, think it is very odd when grown adults claim to be emotionally hurt by the words or actions of toddlers.

Please continue the regularly scheduled discussion....
post #57 of 74
wow. well, my first reaction is that i don't think you need DH's permission or blessing to react to a situation that YOU are in daily. i understand that this is his mother, but you are your son's mother. is that relationship less sacred? i know you don't think it is. i am the most non-confrontational person in my "real life" (not on here though...as you'll see in a minute. LOL), but MIL's behavior is absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable. try to get DH on board, sure...but sharing genes with his mother doesn't make him the only person who gets to make the call here. you are YOUR son's MOTHER. you are his advocate. it's gonna suck, it's gonna make things tense, your DH will probably be pissed at you, as will MIL for sure...but this is your little boy. and she's treating him like crap. if for nothing else than for him to see that you will not let someone (no matter WHO they are, or how entrenched in his and his family's life they are) disrespect him like that. but yes, it's gonna suck. it's gonna suck a LOT. and i'm so sorry that she's put you in this position and that your DH can't see past his mommy-goggles to see what she's doing to his son.

and now for my next series of points.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
I had this thought as well. Gee, if walked into a house and the person's 2.5 yo hit me and stuck his tongue out at me, I'd leave too.
really? you wouldn't just chalk it up to him being a toddler? having a rough day? what if you had repeatedly made physical roughness a game with him, as her MIL has done? would you really just up and leave? i hope not.

Quote:
When your ds was upset that MIL left, that would have been a perfect opportunity to say 'MILs feelings were hurt, honey, because of being hit. She's sad now and had to go home because she feels so sad. That's why we don't hit people."
eek. that just sounds creepy and manipulative to me. i don't want my 3yo to feel responsible for his grandmother's emotions to that extreme degree. that's a lot of power to give to a toddler who is just trying to figure things out. if it were me, i'd be focusing on the fact that his grandmother left without saying goodbye and how hurtful THAT can be to HIM. not this "see what you get for hitting?" attitude...

Quote:
If instead you respond with something like "I can't believe she left without saying good-bye! Look what it's doing to poor ds!" then ds continues to think only of himself, what he wants, how he is affected, and learns exactly the wrong message.
so it's better to teach him to focus on his grandmother who has repeatedly made him suffer small, snowballing abuses of her power over him? it's better to guide a 2.5yo through a conversation on how his middle aged grandmother needs to be validated and emotionally supported by a person who has been on the planet less time than her undergarments??
post #58 of 74
oi.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
A child who is 32 months would typically have a very good sense of conscience about hitting - that it is wrong because it hurts people and makes them feel bad. By this age, kids who were still hitting on anything other than an exceptional circumstance would be deemed behavioral problems by most preschools.

I can't even conjure up an image of my 26 month old purposefully pulling the hair of an adult - it would be unfathomable. To be fair, I can't imagine any adult acting so bizarrely with her as the OPs MIL has acted with her son, so clearly we're talking about an unusual situation here.
ok...so this last part of your post...about how he has been subjected to this ridiculous behavior (in which his own GRANDMOTHER pulled HIS HAIR!) - doesn't that negate everything you said in the beginning? please say that it does. because really, why does it matter what your 26mo would do? i mean really...how is your younger child's behavior have ANY bearing on this matter *whatsoever*? your child doesn't pull someone's hair. ok. great. thanks for sharing. but THIS boy DID do that to his grandmother and SHE PULLED HIS HAIR BACK! IMMEDIATELY this puts him in an ENTIRELY different category. and even if it didn't, i'm sorry, gotta say...what your child does or doesn't do is just plain old irrelevant and only makes this seem like you're comparing your child's magnificence to another's shortcoming. i hope that wasn't your intention.

Quote:
But in general, a child coming up on the age of 3 is entirely capable of demonstrating empathy for others, and factoring that into their own behaviors. I've always strongly favored this approach and steered completely clear of child centered approaches which teach 'I should not hit because I'm worried about what will happen to ME'. My girl doesn't hit or pull hair entirely because she feels badly about how it hurts the other person or animal, not because of anything to do with what will or won't happen to her. This is at least partly the result of my helping frame these circumstances for her "oh honey! That hurts puppy to pull his tail! Ooh, he's sad now. Do you want to pet him and tell him you're sorry?"
well, let's be honest here. you don't actually know why your child doesn't do it. none of us are mind readers. you've used only those words, so you think that's what she's thinking. but she could be doing it to avoid you making a disappointed face because that makes HER feel bad. you really don't know. and can we steer clear of generalizations about what 3yos are "entirely capable" of? generalizations about children are misleading AT BEST. this mama does not need to know what "most 3yos" are capable of, even if you *were* correct about this aspect of child socioemotional development (which, incidentally, you're not).

Quote:
I'm curious, if you've not worked on developing empathy and a conscience in your toddler, by what method do you attempt to address violent behavior toward others? Don't hit because...I said so? Just wondering.
just when i thought it couldn't get worse. do you read your posts after you hit submit?? were you INTENDING to be so judgmental?? what a grand assumption you've made. suddenly this mama has not ever worked on empathy or conscience?? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE re-read her OP. PLEASE come back and tell me that you REALIZE that this poor child has been subjected to a TON of emotionally and physically damaging behavior by the grandmother you so desperately want him to apologize to. This last part of your post is the most insulting thing i've read on here in a long time. Wow.
post #59 of 74
Quote:
I'm curious, if you've not worked on developing empathy and a conscience in your toddler, by what method do you attempt to address violent behavior toward others? Don't hit because...I said so? Just wondering.
In fairness to blessed, the above comment was addressed to me-not to the OP. She was unclear about to whom she was responding, and specified in a later post.
post #60 of 74
1. A MIL who stops by waaay too much
2. Working on dealing with normal 2 yr old behavior/discipline
3. A husband who is not on the same page as you when it comes to either of the above.

IMO number 3 is the real issue and until you have that resolved 1 and 2 will never be resolved. Take DH to the counselor if you have to. Because until you and he are on the same page so to speak number 1 and number 2 will continue to cause serious issues. And number 3 can really hurt a relationship in the long run. Maybe I am reading this wrong but the way you describe your DH speaking to MIL about her coming over too much, it just seems like he
is either not handling this right with his mother or not supporting you enough to help you deal with her. I know if my MIL walked in the door that much and I felt like my husband was not on my side that it would be way worse as I would feel very much alone.
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