I just read "Playful Parenting" and have questions...

[Moochie Mamma]

I loved this book, it is reminding me to keep things light and not nag so much. I'm concerned with how he approaches children at times by imitating them or making a running commentary about how a teenager is a lump on the couch. What do you all think of this? It seems to me that it would be taunting and cruel to a child to use imitation (or maybe I just don't know how to do it playfully enough?). Have any of you found success with these strategies?

[Kim]

Haven't read the book, but...

I am hoping that my highly sensitive and obstinant child understands the subtle shades of sarcasm. She is perfectly capable of dressing herself but if I ask her to do it, she refuses and insists that I dress her. (Just to be clear, I couldn't care less if she wore her jammies out and about, but she refuses to do that too!)

So, when she refuses I simply say, "Okay, that's right, my little baby *cannot* dress herself. Don't get dressed! Wait for me to help you!" All the while she is laughing and insisting she is a big girl. It has become a game that transfers over to all sorts of tasks.

Hope she doesn't *actually* think she's a baby and incapable of doing things...I do all of this with a silly voice and a smile on my face. It does work every time!

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by Moochie Mamma

I loved this book, it is reminding me to keep things light and not nag so much. I'm concerned with how he approaches children at times by imitating them or making a running commentary about how a teenager is a lump on the couch. What do you all think of this? It seems to me that it would be taunting and cruel to a child to use imitation (or maybe I just don't know how to do it playfully enough?). Have any of you found success with these strategies?

I really liked this book too. I think the "imitation" you refer to is more like meeting the child where they are at, rather than making fun of them. Sometimes if I "mirror" my daughter when she is upset rather than try to change her, she will open up to me. For example, if she has her arms crossed and her shoulders hunched, I might also gently cross my arms and hunch my shoulders and sit beside her, rather than coming up into her face and trying to hug her. But I never do it in a mocking way.

[slightly crunchy]

I really love what this book has to say. It has helped me lot and I am currently re-reading it to remind me to be more playful with my 4 yo.

I have some of the same concerns as you do, though. And there have been a couple of instances where I tried something (imitative) straight out of the book, not in a sarcastic or mean way at all, but in an attempt to connect ,and it did not go over well at all. My son is very sensitive and I think the key is to know your child and modify the approach to your own family. In those instances what I was doing felt a little uncomfortable to me, as well, because my parents were quite sarcastic and mocking with me at times, and I was a pretty sesnsitive kid, too. I have to tread carefully with some of the playful parenting stuff.

There are a bunch of prior PP threads in the gentle discipline forum that are interesting reading.

[Dragonfly]

I think, just like any book, you have to take what works for you and your child and discard the things that don't. Ds is also very sensitive to being made fun of. If I'm "imitating" him, I have to be really careful about the way I do it and at what times. Sometimes he gets really offended by it, especially if I'm not completely on my game and totally clear that I'm playing (which is where awareness of my own feelings and the impression I'm giving is key. If I'm feeling irritated about the situation, my imitation is more likely to come off as mocking, even if I don't mean it that way).

It sounds silly, but you might get some benefit from practicing in the mirror. See if your imitation comes across as mocking or playful.

[Embee]

One of my top three parenting books! Indeed, I agree with Diane B. There is a difference between this and mocking. The trick is, knowing when to use the approach, a bit of trial and error has been experienced over here.

For the good, one day recently DS was VERY grumpy. Everything bad. Wrong. Won't work. I'm totally for letting him feel his feelings, but this was starting to feel like a cry for connection and all my attempts to soothe, and be empathetic were failing miserably. However, it was clear he wanted and needed me to stay connected. My last ditch effort to start poo pooing everything in my sights, had DS laughing so darned hard, he was actually able to turn it around before a potentially nighmarish bedtime. He just really wanted me to join him in his world, misery loves company. I was over the top silly so as not to be mocking, and after a spell, DS himself told me I could stop. The rest of the day was a joy for all. Another similar day, I took to joining him, I started singing a song, "I'm am grumpy and I'm not going to be any other way!' We marched around the kitchen, singing and carrying on. On this day, he was truly grumpy and out of sorts rather than just contrary about anything and all. It wasn't a huge turn around emotionally, but did help him release some negative energy and also know that I understood and had no intention of "changing" his feelings, however, was happy to join him in them if he needed me there.

OTOH, when DS awoke the other night, upset and crying a storm because I wasn't ready to come to bed yet (DH was in bed though), DH was tired and desperate and tried mocking DS's cries in his playful, over the top way, only to have DS feel very abandoned in a moment where he was feeling totally out of control... at that moment, he needed DH to "insist on connection" in a very different way. Needless to say, I had to abandon my work that night and crawl into bed a little early. DH had to mark one in the failed column. Whoops.

Mirroring has it's time and place for sure. It has been a big help in certain situations. In general, I have learned much for PP, and it has in many ways become a way of life around here. When things are off, I try to find the PP approach whenever possible.

Oh, there is an on-going thread if you care to join us:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...yful+Parenting

The original thread, if you care to read:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...yful+Parenting

The best!

Em