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19 year old step-son threw party while we vacationed. - Page 2

post #21 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie
He's not allowed to have friends over at your house anymore? Ever? Just my opinion, but that seems a little excessive.
He's not having friends over for the time being, until we feel he can be trusted again.

Quote:
It sounds like your real goal is to get him outta there...
I don't know why you're assuming this?
post #22 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Starr
I was that poster. So your pretty much blaming his bahavior on the lack of parenting by your DH? That if you raised he would be much better mannered? I'm sorry but I think this is completely absurd and do not agree with it at all. I know mothers who were excellent and always there for their children and yet there children, no matter how much discipline or rules, will continually act out. Teenagers have their own personalities and even if they continue to make mistakes you can't blame the parents 100%. I do not know your situation, but regardless do not agree with your statement, "Well it would never have gotten to this point if it were my son...." He IS your son, your step son.
I just have to poke my nose in on this comment, as I think there is a point to which she could make a difference in a situation with her own child. Not by controlling the son's actions (if it was her biological son), but by the reaction she gave to the situations throughout his life. I don't think she meant it to mean that she's a "better" parent, or her son would be a "better" kid, but that she would have reacted and developed the relationship differently from the beginning so that it didn't get a chance to get so far, but as a step parent, it's not really her realm to override the biologica parent-child relationship without risking her own relationships with the son and the husband. I know nothing is guaranteed, but if started from an early age, GIVING respect and EXPECTING respect with regard to setting boundaries with your children you're more likely to have situations where they respect your requests and boundaries even if you're not around (I'm living proof, as it's how my parents raised me, very gently, very respectfully, both giving me respect and expecting it from me). Basically, a "people will treat you the way you let them" kind of thing...because we are talking about a 19-year-old here, not a 3-year-old.

OK, end of my nose poking. Just wanted to maybe offer a different perspective behind the OPs comment.
post #23 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by donosmommy04
...........I don't think she meant it to mean that she's a "better" parent, or her son would be a "better" kid, but that she would have reacted and developed the relationship differently from the beginning so that it didn't get a chance to get so far, but as a step parent, it's not really her realm to override the biologica parent-child relationship without risking her own relationships with the son and the husband............
I couldn't have said it better...thank you, your observation is bang on
post #24 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by snugg_bug
My comment was more directed to what I was saying to DH. In other words "tell him he is no longer staying here alone, it's not like he has no where to go as he can stay at his mothers". I would not say this to his son.
Didn't read further yet, but what you quoted was directed at another poster, not you (and she replied back to me regarding that actually, if you read further)
post #25 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by snugg_bug
I couldn't have said it better...thank you, your observation is bang on
I will also agree with this. Things ARE different when raising a step-child than a biological one.

I feel like I can go further with my own DD, like I can set higher expectations, and stricter rules etc, but I'm constantly feeling like I need to be soft on DSS because of the whole nasty 'evil step-mother' thing. Like, if I were to come out and discipline my DSS in the way I would my own biological child, then I'd be the bad guy, and we'd have some major issues going on.

In the end, unless you're in the position, you can't say really. (directed toward Starr) It's so rough being a step-parent, yes these are our children too, and we love them just the same, but more times than not we need to bite our tongues, sit back and watch things we wish we had more control over and basically try to keep the peace, even if we'd rather get right in there and speak up more.
post #26 of 30
It is his house too, right?! Why all the my house and pay rent talk? why can't he have friends over when you are there?

Yes, you had a problem here with the parties - him not allowed to stay there when you are out of town solves it. I don't get the angst. Unless there is larger issues here, it is a 19 year old who had parties at your/his house when he wasn't supposed to and thus can't stay at his house when you are gone. Sounds normal and resonable. Case closed and solved.
post #27 of 30
When I was 18, I had my own apartment. My parents told me I could pay rent at home or on my own, I decided I wanted to live on my own. I have stayed at my mom's since then, and if it was going to be more than a couple of weeks, we made arrangements. If he's old enough to have a job that would support him on his own, he's old enough to help out around the house financially. I could tell you about my brother if you're interested...
post #28 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilsishomemade
When I was 18, I had my own apartment. My parents told me I could pay rent at home or on my own, I decided I wanted to live on my own. I have stayed at my mom's since then, and if it was going to be more than a couple of weeks, we made arrangements. If he's old enough to have a job that would support him on his own, he's old enough to help out around the house financially. I could tell you about my brother if you're interested...
I lived at home rent and baord free (cause it was my home too) on and off until I was 22. I was working crap jobs and living at home allowed me to save money for things like a car. I worked the same jobs in h.s (with similar hours - 20-30+ a week), and my parents never asked for money because their home was my home.

But I needed it for emotional not just finacial reasons. I hit adolencence late (really at about age 18) and was angsty and directionless and lost from age 18-21 or so. Having a "home" really made a huige difference. My parents weren't particuallry supportive (at my age they were much more mature than I was), but that home, that place of safty, was really crucial.

My sister was 25 when she left. Both me and my sister are fully self-supporting, responsible adults. Not all kids are the same. Maturity happens differently. I need to have my childhood home remain MY home far longer than my brother needed it.
post #29 of 30
ya know... I bet many of us, at that age, would have also thrown a party in the wake of our step-parents and/or parents being gone. I know I would have. Sorry, but true!!!!
post #30 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by edamommy
ya know... I bet many of us, at that age, would have also thrown a party in the wake of our step-parents and/or parents being gone. I know I would have. Sorry, but true!!!!
Yeh, that may be true if I was there, but I'd have also known very well that they would be pi$$ed if they found out...at 19, I had a pretty good idea of what my parents would and would not be happy with, especially since it had already happened once, so I'd be expecting some type of consequence as a result.
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