Is a 5yo suppose to be like this?

[Bartock]

I do not at all think my ds is special needs in anyway. But I'm a bit concerned. He has always be very clingy, what I mean by that is he not really interested in playing with toys and if he does he seems to get board very quick. He's the type of kid that would rather play with the garden hose or sticks or what ever keeps him busy, I guess he would be very imaginative. Now he is loud, like speaks loud and acts silly. He is very sensative and gets upset and angry easily, by angry I do not mean violent just getting mad blowing off steam and crying. I have a very hard time getting him to do things when he is asked the first time, he just does not want to do it and gets upset. He always has to be the center of attention all the time. I will admit that when he was 9 months old I went back to work till last summer and his brother was born. I was never around him much while I was working.
He seems harder for me to deal with since then in some of the ways I listed above.

I also had a very traumatic birth with his brother and my dh has commented that ds and I have lost our bond. I also have just been diagnosed with PPD,I will be starting my meds on payday. So I guess my real ? here is, is my son normal? And I have these weird things going on in my head because of the PPD? I just get so angry and bitchy toward him lately, and I'm really embarrass saying this to you all. I love him so much but at the same time feel like I have failed him. I don't want to feel like this at him. Is this all normal? Or am I a nut case?

Thanks

[4evermom]

He honestly sounds normal to me. By normal, I mean not unlike my soon to be 5 ds . My ds has always had a strong need for interaction. He will play by himself only for short times (I'm lucky if he'll watch tv by himself). He is not very into toys but would rather play with real things that really work, although he has a great imagination and will make up all sorts of pretend games (in which he wants me to participate, following his lead and direction). I remember my youngest brother never liked toys, either. Tools, yes. Toys, what's the point?

My ds is also very sensitive. There is actually a website about highly sensitive individuals which you might want to look at to see if the description fits your ds. http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm . I've heard it is common to feel a little disconnected from your older kids when you have a baby and the PPD cannot be helping. It's hard to remember how young your older ds is in the grand scheme of things when your younger ds is so much smaller. It can't be easy to maintain the same level of patience that you had before the baby. Then there is the problem that I have when my ds has a birthday. I think he is a whole year older when, in fact, he is only a day older than yesterday.

If you are up for a book recommendation, I strongly suggest picking up Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. It is more of a philosophy of parenting than a how-to but it has some great suggestions on maintaining a connection with your children. I hope you feel better soon.

PS-My ds never does what he is told, which is why I never tell him to do things. If he isn't tired, he usually will do what I politely ask him to do, especially if it is helping rather than a solo chore.

[LynnS6]

Hi, no you're not a nutcase . But you do have PPD, and that can affect your bond with your son - and in odd ways. Anger toward someone in the family is REALLY common wiht PPD, and often it's an older child. As your PPD gets under control, I think you'll find that your relationship will come back. It'll take some time and energy, but you'll have that as your younger one gets older and your PPD gets under control. (Having PPD can also make you worry about things like this over and over again).

I would second the 'highly sensitive' reading. I actually like the book "The Highly Sensitive Child" better than the stuff for adults - and it sounds like the two of you might indeed be highly sensitive.

Needing to be the center of attention, being silly, loud, showing off, not wanting to do what he's asked sound like very normal behaviors to me. I would start by only asking him to do things when you're in a position to 'help' him comply, and also by noticing/paying attention when he's behaving well. Remember that whatever we pay attention to, we'll get more of. So, if you want to cut down on the whining/interrputing or whatever, find ways to comment on what he's doing at other times, involve him in what you're doing and it will improve.

[LynnS6]

Oh, and I wanted to add about the play - sounds very normal to me. At 5, kids are more social than they are at younger ages and NEED someone to play with. they do get bored by themselves sometimes, in ways that a 3 year old rarely does. Any way to get some playdates to give you both a break?

[onlyzombiecat]

I'd say he is reacting and behaving like a normal 5 year old.

[mamabeca]

He sounds Exactly like my 5 almost 6 yo neighbor. My own dd is VERY social, so different , but has her own weirdnessed lol! Anyway, I hope the ppd stuff works out for you - very tough. Also, I recommend a library book called playful parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen . It suggests that you get INTO their play a bit. Grab a stick and light saber a little, read books about swashbuckling pirates, snakes, whatever he chooses. Get on the ground and wrangle with him. The disconnect happens a LOT when a newbie comes into the picture. Some one on one time is needed, mama. But get yourself on track, so that you CAN do that. :HUG I think he sounds just like every other weird kid in the neighborhood

[**guest**]

hi,

HUGS

i just want to add that it is very normal to feel disconnected from the older child when the new one is just born. i went through this, and since then heard of many other mamas going through the same things. though no one really wants to talk about it.

what really helped me was to read Gordon Neufeld's 'Hold on to your kids'. he talks about reconnecting a lot, and about 'connection before direction' -- meaning we really need to try to get engaged with the child before asking them to do anything. for example, if dd is playing, and i want her attention, i'd come over and say 'oh wow, look at the garden you've built. what fun. listen, i need you to go and get dressed....'. when i remember to do this, she listens much better.

he also dismisses the notion that one needs to 'correct' immediately after misbehaviour. when dd would puch ds too hard in the bouner when he was days old (put there for minutes at a time, for HER benefit ) initially i just told her firmly that this was unacceptable. this didn't work. then instead started grabbing her onto my lap, and cuddling with her for a minute, telling her that it looked like she was upset. when she was calmer, i'd tell her that her behaviour was hurting her brother. this went much better.

another book that talks about unconditional parenting is Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. similar ideas as in Neufeld's, but different focus.

i still need to make efforts to reconnect, occasionally. dd is almost 4, and is to some extent similar to your DS.

HUGS
anna

[Meguey]

My ds just turned 6 - your son sounds *perfectly* normal