Help for my friend's tragic loss

[peacemama]

I am so sad today. I just came back from the funeral of a dear friend's father. It was a horrible loss - he takes the subway to work (NYC) and never showed up, because he fell in the subway and was killed. I still don't know all the details; it could have even been a suicide, because he has been battling depression for several years. Jewish funerals take place so soon after the death that nobody really has the opportunity to find these things out, but for my friend's sake, I hope it was just an accident. My friend spoke so beautifully at the funeral, but finally broke down when she mentioned her dad's relationship with her 8 month old son, his only grandchild.

I guess I just wanted to share my grief and sorrow for my friend here in this wonderful place where I always feel supported, but I also wonder if anyone can think of anything I can do to help my friend heal?

[peggy]

(((peacemama)))
When my Dad died what bothered me the most was people who wouldn't talk about him in front of me for fear it would upset me. DUH! Like if they didn't talk about it I would forget????
I especially liked it if some one would tell funny or pleasant memories of him.
All you can do is be there to listen if your friend wants to talk.

peggy

[lisamarie]

I am so, so sorry to hear about your friends dad. There are many ways to help your friend. Peggy made a wonderful suggestion about just talking about him. Sometimes people are so uncomfortable w/grief and loss that they avoid the subject or try to pretend that it never happend. Bringing food for her and her family, getting books on grief from the library for her, letting her talk,cry, get angry over and over and over again, sending her or calling her on the anniversery date (1 mo., etc.). There was another topic here a few weeks ago about this same subject. I will try to find it for you. There were some really good ideas.

She is lucky to have a gentle friend as you.

Hugs~

Lisa

[lisamarie]

The post is under "What can friends do to help when a dear friend is dealing with grief."

Warmly~

Lisa

[Ms. Mom]

peacemama,

Thank you so much for sharing. I know this has to be difficult on you. My father commited suiside last year - the hardest thing for me is that everyone wants to beleive it was an accident (yeah, he accidently drank 5 bottles of Robotussin in one hour).

Find out what she needs from you and let her talk freely. If she's angry, sad, numb - let her know it's ok to feel the way she is and that you love and support her. If they determine it was suiside, she'll need you even more - you could encourage her to seek a suiside survivors group, or individual therapy. She's going to be dealing with some prety harsh feelings. Don't be afraid to listen, that's how she's going to work through it all.

I know what a gentle, loving person you are - your friend is very lucky to have you in her life right now.

[pie]

Oh, Peace, I am truly sorry. It is hard to bring it up but if she doesn't want to talk about it she will say so. When people die in my life I am always saddened that noone asks me how I am or if I want to talk about it after a week or so, even though the grieving process lasts a long time. Just let her know you love her, and know I love you.