4 year old neighbor exposing himself - Page 3

[dlcmama]

Thank you Marie, that was very sweet of you

I guess if I was in your position, i would just really try to keep your eye open when your children are around him.. there really isn't much more you can do.. ya no.

[christymama]

its a tough spot.. Do you talk to the grandparents and risk drama from them .. or do you not the children play together. which at this age kids dont understand why they cant play with so and so.. This is a hard one mama. I wish I could help you out more.

[scatterbrainedmom]

Originally Posted by MPJJJ

Coming back because someone PMed me and asked me to explain further.

This is not a simple case of the child peeing outside, or changing his clothes, or even just taking his pants off.

He has pulled down his pants and shown my boys his penis, and has asked my boys to show him their penises.

He asked my 4 year old to touch his penis, but when my 6 year old said "eeew, thats gross, I'm gonna tell my mom that you want us to touch you there" he showed fear and told them not to tell.

So yes, I'm concerned. Yes, I truly believe that this goes beyond the realm of normal childhood exploration. This child does know better.

Hell, my boys pee outside in the backyard and have at times run outside naked before I could wrangle them back in. But they do NOT pull down their pants for the express purpose of showing someone their penis, nor do they ask someone to show them their privates, nor to they ask someone to touch theirs!!!

THIS shines a whole new light on the situation. I wish you had elaborated more in you op to include this.

I would be worried, but I also agree with a pp about natural curiosity in all the things a penis can do (ie retract, erect). But at 5 (?) they should have already been taught that that is something to do in the privacy of home or bedroom NOT with other children.

My son is 5 and when he was 4 asked to see his cousins penis and touched it and then showed him his. yes I was worried about it and we spoke at length about it being private and no one is to touch it but him (something we have told him since he was 1..yet it STILL HAPPENED). he has never had the opportunity to have someone molest him.

Soooooooooo...i think before we all jump on the bandwagon that he was molested or something that we don't know what is going on and the op needs to take this up with the grandparents. I would be pretty pissed off if it was my grandchild and no one told me what was going on. that instead they went to a public board and speculated about sinister goings on at my house.

[christymama]

Oh I am not saying this child was Molested by any means. I was just saying that this child could of seen this somewhere. Whether it be on tv, movies, or parents, grandparents. or anyone in general.. Op did state this child rarely is Supervised. So one can only imagine where this child has been and Seen.

[MPJJJ]

Originally Posted by scatterbrainedmom

THIS shines a whole new light on the situation. I wish you had elaborated more in you op to include this.

I would be worried, but I also agree with a pp about natural curiosity in all the things a penis can do (ie retract, erect). But at 5 (?) they should have already been taught that that is something to do in the privacy of home or bedroom NOT with other children.

My son is 5 and when he was 4 asked to see his cousins penis and touched it and then showed him his. yes I was worried about it and we spoke at length about it being private and no one is to touch it but him (something we have told him since he was 1..yet it STILL HAPPENED). he has never had the opportunity to have someone molest him.

Soooooooooo...i think before we all jump on the bandwagon that he was molested or something that we don't know what is going on and the op needs to take this up with the grandparents. I would be pretty pissed off if it was my grandchild and no one told me what was going on. that instead they went to a public board and speculated about sinister goings on at my house.

Yes, but you're forgetting that not all parents think like you!

Do you think that I want this child shamed? He could be scarred for life if this is handled wrong! What if he is spanked? What if he is told that he is shameful, or any other hurtful things that people often say when they are confronted with something beyond their comfort level? What do I do when I believe that confronting the child's grandparents is NOT in the best interest of the child?

[christymama]

I would be pretty pissed off if it was my grandchild and no one told me what was going on. that instead they went to a public board and speculated about sinister goings on at my house.

I think the Op was just looking for advice on how to handle the situation and not pointing fingers

[nicole lisa]

Originally Posted by christymama

I have to agree that if this child is exposing himself to others and wanting others to touch it. it is Unacceptable behavior. Kids do what they see..

That's not true in all cases. Did nobody here ever play dr with their friends? I grew up in a TV free home and my parents were in a loveless (but very polite) no touch marriage. There was no abuse and no chance seeing of adult contact and yet my friends and I still managed to figure out playing dr and "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." It is normal and it was happening when we were all 6-7.

I would just talk with the grandparents about it being a funny and very normal thing at that age (curiosity and all) and offer to pass on some of the books on bodies and what they do that I have kicking around the house that they could offer their grandson if he's interested in bodies right now, adding how much my son liked them because they answered all his questions.

[christymama]

Nicole you are right I cant say that all kids will do what they see,... A lot of children I am sure are just curious as you and your friend were.. While others however do react to what they have seen before.. Not always the case but still nonetheless something to be aware of.

[nicole lisa]

Originally Posted by christymama

Not always the case but still nonetheless something to be aware of.

Oh, definitely. I would be clear with my kids about what feels OK and what doesn't (trusting their intuition and respecting their bodies) and say something supportive with a nod toward the kid's curiousity to the grandparents and then would keep and eye and ear out just to be safe cause no one can really know what's happening in someone else's life.

[dlcmama]

Nicole that is so very true!

[christymama]

Marie I would do something along the lines as a PP stated.. About gently talking to them.. I think a book is a great idea. because depending how open the grandparents are( ages plays a key role alot of times of how open they can be) a book may be easy for them to relate to the child with rather then just sitting down and talking to him.

[dlcmama]

Marie, i would maybe just wait to see if it happens again and in the mean while (which i'm sure you have already) just talk to your children about it and kinda warn them if it happens again that they need to tell you. If it happens again i would confront them about it. Is there anyway in the mean time you can attempt to get to know them so you can at least get a better understanding how they will react if you did tell them?

What to say if you do approch them? Humm well I would just tell the truth, but in a sweet, kind way. (as nice as can be) But i really would wait and kinda keep your eye open to see if it does happen again. Good Luck! Keep us posted...

[SCC703]

hmmmmmmmm

I truly think that this thread has been taken way out of control. There are tons and tons of reasons why this is just "normal behavior" and tons why it's not. Everyone handles these situations differently. My only opinion is this: It is NOT your decision how his grandparents handle these actions. But if you were the "legal guardian" of this child then you would definitely want to know when your child was doing something out of line. So if you can't get over what happened then you really do need to tell his grandparents and let them teach him right from wrong. Like someone said earlier...Growing up with grandparents is tough and not to mention the fact that their generation was much different then now. And who knows, maybe this child has never been exposed to all the crazy things we may think he has, and just needs to be told that was he is doing is wrong. So LET his grandparents tell him, and stop jumping to conclusions. I bet they would really love to know what goes on for the sake of him and your children. You would want them to tell you if the tables were turned.

[dlcmama]

very well said! a very good way of looking at it.. Thank you

[lilsishomemade]

Well, your first post really made it sound like all he did was pull down his pants and say, "Look!" like boys even in high school (and older) do. THAT isn't abnormal in my eyes. My six yr old brother still has no problem running around nude, and neither does my 7 yr old stepson.

However, touching, etc is not. But, I don't know what you're looking for? Really, all I see you can do is talk to your own children about privacy, and either talk to the boy's grandparents or not. If you're not wanting to talk to them, and not wanting to talk to the boy, then what's left?

[Jilian]

Have a talk with the boy. If you are worried about it being handled the wrong way by the grandparents then handle the situation yourself. You would not be out of line discussing the issue with the boy because it is something that happened in your presence and involves your son. Your only options are to talk to the boy or his grandparents.

[lilyka]

it would bother me but the simple solution, would be to tell J you saw this and that he may not do it any longer. firm but not empotional or judgmental. It is age appropriate but so is being taught it is nappropriate to continue. and then suppervise thier play together. four year olds do all kinds of silly things together, this isjust one of them. I always closely supervise playdates, then when things come up it is easy to say "our family doesn't approve of that sortt of behavior. . . here is what our family thinks. . . when you are at out house you need to follow these rules".

[Bearsmama]

I just want to say here that I completely agree with dynamicdoula on this topic. I think her posts are very well thought-out right on target, IMHO. That said, this is my *aim* in parenting my son around these sorts of issues. I realize that I have some of my own personal, sexual issues, so not shaming (which was done to me) is a huge struggle. My son is 4, and likes his behind and penis. And occasionally he wants to pee outside or something. And I remind him that his penis is for him to touch, so is his behind. And to put the darn thing away, for heaven's sake!

[Marsupialmom]

With not talking to the grandparents you are not letting them know there is an issue.

This is a normal undesirable childhood behavior. He could be doing it "repeatably" for attention. He has found something that makes him the center of it. If he is being raised by his grandparents he could have some emotional issues that can make it harder to get through a normal childhood phase.

I like how others say to calmly deal with it.

I think it is good that you are worried about this boy and not wanting to shame him but help him get through this phase. Close suppervission helps cut this off. Like you would watch a toddler close to prevent bitting or hitting.