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Ex told ds he didn't want him to visit any more

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 
What kind of sick, emotionally abusive, manipulative puppy says that to their own child??? Please, honestly, tell me if I'm over-reacting.
Alex is 7. He's bright, active, intelligent, inquisitive: atm he's very hard work and is taking a lot of parenting, I'll agree. If you set a boundary, he'll push at it to see what happens. He's struggling in school (probably boredom, possibly dyspraxia)- whilst he's absorbing all the information given, it isn't going down on paper and so he brought home a moderately bad report last term, first one ever.
His father is getting married in 6 weeks time, and his partner is pregnant, due early November. Since January we've had a maintenance/ visitation schedule in place: his dad voluntarily pays me approximately half of what the CSA will take off him, once they catch up and start taking money off him, and we drive him half-way up to his dads (they live 300 miles away.) Every time they've come back, I've had complaints about his behaviour- that he doesn't listen, that he does silly stuff, that he's constantly in trouble: his dad tries to give examples of just how heinous his behaviour is but it comes out sounding pathetic and feeble. For instance, during February's visit he got put into time out for riding a scooter on the grass. This time, his dad and his stepmum-to-be left the three children (her daughter, his boys) alone in the living room with instructions to colour in their colouring-in books. Alex got bored, stood up and started trying to do pirouettes on the spot, so her daughter went and told a grown-up, who came down and shouted at him for not thinking, that something could get broken- etc, etc, etc. I've had the same story from two boys and their dad, and I still feel like I'm missing something.
Oh, btw, he also believes Alex has Asperger's Syndrome. His class teacher (who is the schools special needs co-ordinator) can't see anything to suggest it and he doesn't have many traits of AS. I thought I'd mention it: he seems obsessed by the idea that there is something "wrong" with Alex.
The wedding is in 6 weeks time and they won't see their dad before then. He is saying that he wants them there but he's terrified that they're going to play up. The service is at 12.30, meal at 3, evening do and buffet, and then the boys are spending the night with their grandparents and being brought back to us 2-3 days later. Again, 300 miles away. The current suggestion is also that the two boys spend Xmas with the whole of that side of their family, celebrating their great-grandparents 60th wedding anniversary.
If anyone has any thoughts, feelings, suggestions, anything, I need to hear them. Right now I'm desperate, and hurt, and furious. Please tell me what to do.
Sorry for the length.

eta: he's seen the children three times since January: once at New Year, once at the end of February, and the week before last. So it's regular, but not frequent, visitation.
post #2 of 7
no advise, just hugs. i was the child of a step family but i was so lucky that my dad wanted to see me all the time. it makes such a difference. it just sucks all around.
post #3 of 7
Helen.
Maybe it would be better for your DS in the long-run if he wasn't around someone who thought something was wrong with him. I had to make that decision for my 7-year-old and while he misses his father, I've explained to him that he just can't handle his vibrant personality.
I hope things work out for you,dear. Thinking of you.
post #4 of 7
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the hugs.
I think I'm pretty close to the point of making that decision, to be honest, and I really didn't want to be in that position. It doesn't look like I have that choice.
Gah.
Any other viewpoints? Any ideas on how I can handle the wedding?
post #5 of 7
My ex said the same thing to me about my DD about a year ago, but he yelled it so loudly into the phone that she heard it. She's 7 now. Up to that point, I had never said anything bad about him to her or in front of her, even though I had good cause.

I just felt like I had to let her know that something was wrong with HIM, not HER. It was his one night a week that he was supposed to have her, and he called me up to ask what the plan was. I told him where he could pick her up, and he said he wouldn't do it. I said that she could stay with me then, and that I would prefer that to his parking her in front of a TV all night anyway. He said he never does that, I said DD said that's what she does at his house. His exact words that she heard were: "Well she's a [expletive] liar, and if she's going to be a [expletive] liar, then I don't want to have anything to do with her." Which of course, is funny because he tells lies like he's getting paid for it.

So anyway, I hung up, and DD was teary-eyed, and said, "Mommy, I'm not lying." So I just had to tell her that he was the liar, not her, and that I wanted her with me anyway. And that was the last time she ever talked to him until he called her to upset her about calling her step-dad "Dad." She was at her cousin's house, and he called and told her tha he was going to make her live with him and that Joey (DH) was not her dad. She said, "He IS my Dad. HE takes care of me." She hung up on him and he kept calling back. Her aunt realized something weird was going on and disconnected the phone. She called me from her cell, and when I came over DD was hysterically crying.

Anyway, I don't know why I felt the need to share ALL of that, but yes, there are other assholes out there. My DD is a much happier person since I let her stop going to his house. We went to court and got supervised visitiation only for him, but he's too big of a man to put up with that, so he just doesn't see her. DH wants to adopt her, so we are in the beginning stages of that. Ex just got hit up with the child support garnishment, so I'm hoping he'll consent to the adoption to save some money.

I feel for you and your son, but I say better no dad than a dad that's going to berate him all the time. Right before all the stuff happened, my ex was convinced something was wrong with Tania too. He wanted to not let her go to a birthday party because she got a note home from school about properly standing in line. How dumb is that? Anyway, her self-esteem is out of this world now that he's gone. Mine is too. I don't have some a-hole berating my parenting skills anymore.

Sorry that was so long. I just know exactly where you're at.
post #6 of 7
agree to it and then take him back for an increase in cs to account for the extra time you care for the boy.
post #7 of 7
Thread Starter 
Well, at the moment CS isn't an issue: the CSA in this country has an 18 month backlog. It looks like I can wait until it comes through and then sue him through the small claims court for back payments, but that'll have to wait.
Right now, I am intending to talk to his parents (Alex's grandparents), explain that something has happened and I'm very concerned that if Alex so much as sneezes at this wedding, it's going to cause a major family argument. Basically, I want the rest of Alex's extended family in his corner in case something goes off. I'm also refusing to allow the boys to stay there for the few days after the wedding and I will be collecting them from the hotel 10am the following morning. I'll see how this goes, and then take it from there. I know it's not a satisfactory solution, but I don't know what else to do at this point and I'm reluctant to exclude them from their father's wedding (him excluding them, otoh, is entirely different.)
I still can't believe he'd do that.
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