When/how to say "enough is enough" - meltdown behaviour

[4Marmalade]

My ds (3-1/2) fits the "spirited" child description pretty well but the overwhelming personality trait is definitely persistance. This persistence is evident in everyday activities as well as those meltdown moments. I've always wanted to help my child through the meltdowns, discuss the emotions, etc... but he gets in such a "zone" that it just keeps going on and on and nothing I do or say changes anything. This is an example from yesterday:

Ds was given the option to either help me upstairs make cookies or do a puzzle or he could go downstairs with dh and watch him do some work in our bathroom making some shelves. He chose to sit downstairs with dh and was told that he needed to sit on a stool in the bathroom and watch and talk to dh before doing anything. He ended up grabbing everything, not listening to dh about safety, etc... so after a warning he was brought upstairs to be with myself and dd. Keep in mind that dh had just spent all morning with ds one on one so it didn't seem unreasonable for dh to take 30 minutes to do some work in our house. Ds proceeded to have a complete meltdown and wanted to be with daddy again. I tried to engage him in something else (which NEVER works btw), comfort him, talk to him, etc... but he just kept saying daddy, daddy over and over again and no matter what I did I couldn't change his mind. After 15 minutes of me trying to help ds through it I told him I would be right in the kitchen when/if he needed me and I proceeded to pretty much ignore the rest of the meltdown. I don't like ignoring it but I don't know what else to do at that point. Like I said...he's very persistent so it just goes on and on. While he continued to cry and yell he would also stop every once in a while and ask a question like "what was that noise?" and "can I have a cookie?" in a totally normal voice : So, while I have no doubt that the original emotion starting the meltdown is real I am doubting the emotion is still there as the meltdown continues. Yesterday, this particular meltdown lasted 30 minutes before ds fell asleep on the kitchen floor Obviously, part of the problem but I've never been able to convince my ds to sleep at a normal naptime. Did I mention he's persistent?

So, is it ever OK to just tell your dc that you acknowledge the feelings, offer to help and tell them that "enough is enough" and that's just the way it is? I do it in a gentle way and once the meltdown is over and ds is calmer we can discuss it but in the moment nothing seems to help him.

[Twocoolboys]

Originally Posted by Mama to one

So, is it ever OK to just tell your dc that you acknowledge the feelings, offer to help and tell them that "enough is enough" and that's just the way it is? [/FONT]

Yes, I think so. And, I do this in my house. I will say "I understand that you are mad because you want to be with daddy. You can't be with daddy right now. I am going to let you work through feeling mad on your own."

I truly believe that these are the child's feelings and the parent shouldn't try to make the feelings go away. It can't be done anyway. Each person's feelings belong to them and kids need to learn how to manage them on their own. Yeah, it stinks to see your kid having negative feelings. But, they have a right to their anger or sadness as much as they have a right to feel their own happiness. Sure, you can comfort him when he is sad, tell him you love him, and validate his negative feelings but, ultimately, he needs to develop those skills on his own. Trust him to do it.

[nwaddellr]

I usually acknowledge that my DS is mad/angry/upset because he can't ... and then let him go. If it lasts a long time, I'll often say something along the lines of I know you're upset, so I'm going to go over here and do some work. You let me know when you need some snuggles. At some point, he usually walks over to me (still sobbing, but no longer throwing himself around the floor) and asks for some snuggles/hugs so he can feel better. In the heat of the moment, I can't touch him, but he'll ask for snuggles when he needs them.

[nicholas_mom]

I totally understand the "zone" thing that you describe! BTDT! I hold him when he has a meltdown. His tantrums turn into screaming in my arms for 2 minutes, in which he finally comes down and looks at me and smiles and says"I Love you mommie". It melts my heart. I was glad that I was able to listen to his emotions and let them out.

Three yrs old is hard for them to just sit and watch someone doing something. DS has to be involved. Get your ds's play hammer and have ds help hammer the nails in with his hammer while daddy hammers a nail in, etc. It always fails with my dh if he says "now sit there and watch as I do something". Dh has to get him involved, from having a play lawnmower to sweeping the walk to digging holes in the garden.