4-yo DD (only child) preschool problems

[AuntNi]

I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts about this, because I'm just at such a loss as to what's really going on here. So please bear with me if I sound a little disjointed.

My DD just turned 4, and has been in preschool 3 mornings/week during this school year. She's attending preschool for two reasons: a) being an "only," I want her around other kids her age and b) I'm employed full-time, but work at home, so I need part-time childcare. DD LOVES her preschool and her teachers. She's thriving on the stimulation, and it's a wonderful preschool where the teachers really "get" her personality. The problem is the "playing with other kids" thing isn't working out very well. DD is very advanced verbally, and has always gravitated toward adults, older kids, and babies. The family therapist we saw for her anxiety said this is really common in verbally-gifted kids.

So at school, Marlena just wants to hang out with the teachers, and has to be constantly encouraged to go play with the other kids. I think she mostly plays by herself. She also uses unkind language to the other kids (which we certainly don't ever tolerate at home.) She got in trouble for that at school yesterday, and when I talked to her about it at home, I got the impression she doesn't care what the other kids think about her. I might be mis-interpreting what she said, but I got the impression she thinks the kids in her class are "beneath" her, and she feels like the teachers are her peers.

Because I have to work, we don't do as many playdates as I'd like. But when we do playdates, Marlena talks to the other parent as much as her same-age friend. On one hand, I love that she's so comfortable and respectful visiting with grownups. I truly just do not understand why she a) thinks grownups are her peers and b) thinks that kids her age don't merit respect. I'm an overly-empathetic person, and I'm trying like crazy to instill empathy in DD, but man, it's hard!

Does anyone else have a child like this? Any suggestions? Thoughts? Am I reading the signals wrong? I'd really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions!

Thanks!

[beanma]

i have a 5 yr old who loves adults, too. she started preschool this year when she was 4 and it's taken awhile for her to warm up to the other kids, but in the last month or two she's really wanting to hang out with other kids. it helps to have kids who are on the same wavelength as your dc so you might need to help her find a playmate with a common interest. i think the peer interaction will come, though.

hth

[*Lisa*]

I have a 3 1/2 year old who has always been more interested in adults than other kids... She's developed a mild interest in some other kids fairly recently, but I think that she'd rather hang out with a grown up than another kid any day. I guess my opinion is that she should hang out with whomever she's comfortable... I don't especially care if she plays with other kids or not, as long as she continues to interact with other people.

I would be concerned if she treated other kids in a way that was inappropriate, though. I think that if I were in your situation, my strategy would be to talk to her about how the unkind language makes the other children feel. Honestly, I think it's a good thing that your child doesn't care too much about what the other kids think of her--that will give her the strength to do the right thing even if it's unpopular. The issue over unkind words should have more to do with how the other children feel than what it makes them think about your child, if that makes any sense.

[Twocoolboys]

My oldest ds was an only until his brother was born when he was 5. I think onlies tend to be more comfortable with adults than their peers do. He was a little like this when he was in preschool at 4, though not as extreme as it seems like your dd is. He always preferred to play with kids a little older than him and did not click to well with his peers, with the exception of one or two kids, until he was in kindergarten and now, in 1st grade, he has really clicked with some kids. So, whew! I am not worried anymore, though I used to worry a little about this.

His issue was that he was (and is) so imaginative. And, he's been into things like Harry Potter and similar things since he was 3 or 4, so he's been playing on that level. When he was still in preschool, most of the other kids weren't there yet. Now that he is in public school there are many more kids that he is exposed to, so it was easier for him to find like-minded friends. And, I think he grew into an age where many of the boys are interested in similar things.

So, I would say don't worry about your dd. I think she is still pretty young and I think she is exhibiting some typical only-child behavior.