Help - my habit is keeping us in the hole...update

[Nu_Mommy_2003]

Please don't flame me My Dh doesn't know I'm the problem with our finances because I handle all the money. He ask every other week is there any extra money or can he buy X. Never realizing that I'm spending all the extra plus some. I feel so guilty and I just can not bring myself to confess to DH. If I did he would scream and give me the silent treatment for 3 days(he did it before) and still leave me in charge of the money because he just can't do it. I pay all the bills and save for the kids college (I never cheat the kids). When it's time to pay bills I give them what I have left over after I've had my cut. I CANNOT stop spending!

I justify my spending by telling myself "you work the hardest and you should enjoy some pleasure in life". I give DH money (that's suppose to be for bills) and tell him to just enjoy. I justify that by telling myself that he goes to work everyday and should enjoy the fruit of his labor. We have not went on vacation in over three years because we can't save the money for a vacation. And YES we are in need of one badly.

Here is wher any extra money is suppose to go to:
-painting the house (which is needed badly)
-a bed (ours broke)
-a sectional or big couch (seating on pillows)
-an emergency fund
-lastly we need a family vacation

Now because it takes forever to save for these items - only $50 extra a month, if that. I get frutrated very quick because the dollars are not adding up quick enough. Then I get depress and have a pity party (what my mom calls it). After the pity party, I load the kids in the car and get my checkbook (because I have no money) and go get take-out. I take them to the beach and we have a $15 lunch and play in the sand. I load them up and then head to the store to buy dinner and a new toy for both of them plus DH a litttle something. Or I'll go to the consignment store looking for a cheap couch and end up leaving with items I didn't go in for. Like DS or DD a new outfit or toy. Then when the checks go thru I cry because now I'm short on the bills.

Robbing peter to pay paul! How do I stop this???? I've just shreded the checkbook-you can pay bills online so no need to have a physical book. I really WANT to save and get the big items we need. Puhlease, I crying for help here. Where do I start?

I talked with DH see post 18

[kerc]

pay yourself first.

meaning set up accounts for those big items and have money directly put into each of them. even if it is only 2 bucks a month.

change your pity party: get a lunch basket or cooler and pack a lunch to take to the beach. keep in your freezer foods that aren't super cheap/healthy and make one of those when you feel like take out. I sometimes will keep frozen pizza for instance. Or frozen meatballs.

www.cindysporch.net

is a good place to start....

[KC in KS]

I second the idea of brainstorming ways to indulge yourself that are free (or nearly so). Packing your own picnic basket sounds like a great idea. Come up with an alternative to the trip-home-from-the-beach routine (put dinner in the crockpot before you go, for example).

Retail therapy, even at the thrift store, is a short fix. Sounds like curbing the impulse buying is a top priority - for me, the only solution is to stay out of the stores entirely.

If you're dead serious, hand the finances over to DH. The conversation won't be pleasant, but it may be better than living with the guilt. Have him give YOU a set amount of cash each pay period. Shock therapy, but it should be effective.

Hey here's an idea I just thought of. How about coming up with a list of things you can do to bring in a few extra dollars if you go over your budget? Like we do with kids/teens who want some spending money. Babysitting, dogwalking, lawnmowing, whatever your neighbors might pay a few $ for. Might help curb the impulse spending if you know that new outfit for DD/DS means another two hours with a lawnmower.

[Nu_Mommy_2003]

How can I pay myself first??

$50 a month can NOT fund the pity party. I spend on average $300 a month of money I'm not to use. The pity party is about us not enjoying the fruit - example with all this money coming in why do I have to spend it all on bills, why can I go to lunch or buy the kids a new toy. How do you enjoy life if all you do with your money is pay bills?

What about...
going to a movie
going to dinner
going to the zoo or amusement park
buying a new shirt or pants
going on vacation

And saving $2 a month would really make me depress when checking the balance. Because all I will see is the looonnnnnnnnnggggggg wait.

BTW - DH can never do the bills because he's not good with money, doesn't know how and was raised that the man works and the woman deals with the money.

I guess I'll go check the website out now for more tips. Thanks!

[MidwifeErika]

One thing that I do that does help both myself and my DH from spending anything is that each Friday when he gets paid, I immediately go and pay as many bills as possible. I also let him know to fill up the van with gas, what is left is for our groceries and we almost never go under budget on groceries If the money isn't in the account, then we simply cannot spend it. I will pay a month ahead on bills if we still have money in the account (which isn't often). There have been times where we got lazy and didn't do this and it was amazing how fast the money drained from the account and how there was just nothing left when it came time to pay the bills.

Maybe you could start doing finances together, this way you know that he could see how much you spend on extras.... that might help you stay in check. I know it keeps my husband more inline... makes him less likely to stop off for fast food when he knows that I balance the checkbook and will see it and complain (mostly because he never brings me anything ). Is there room for an allowance for you and your DH that would be your fun money for the month? It doesn't have to be much.... $20? Then you wouldn't feel that you were being deprived, but it helps keep that in budget too? Also, then your DH would be happy as he would have a little fun money each month to do whatever he wants.

Honey, you won't get any flames from me. Getting out of a spending mindset and into a savings mindset doesn't come easily to most of us. It takes lots of work and constant dilligence. I am sooooo far from perfect on this subject, just trying to make it all work myself.

[kerc]

Originally Posted by Nu_Mommy_2003

How do you enjoy life if all you do with your money is pay bills?

I agree it is rather frustrating to pay pay pay. But we are making progress with our debt and seeing it pay off is fun.

Ideas:
take the kids on a walk in the park near us
go to the park across town
go down to the lake with a picnic lunch
make playdough
cook up a pot of spaghetti and let the kids "experience" it -- i.e. play with it
go on a scavenger hunt in the backyard - look for red things, or look for a specific kind of leaf
let your kids help you cook - my daughter helped me bake bread on saturday. granted it took about 45 minutes longer bc she was helping....

DD1 and I planted seeds in some potting soil and I expect we'll have fun all summer watching them grow.

for a special treat my dd1 really like to take her ride on toy and go to a new place to ride.

she also likes to glue stuff: old magazine pictures I (or she) has cut out, shapes made from construction paper, etc.

The idea is really not to live without, but enjoy what you DO have.

[kerc]

Originally Posted by hotwings640

Honey, you won't get any flames from me. Getting out of a spending mindset and into a savings mindset doesn't come easily to most of us. It takes lots of work and constant dilligence. I am sooooo far from perfect on this subject, just trying to make it all work myself.

cross posted, but ditto that!

[kerc]

one more post....

other ideas:
fill a bucket with ice and let your kids play with it
fill a big cooler with water and let the kids use it like a pool (ok maybe not climb into it, but play)
hide easter eggs when it isn't easter
make construction paper cards for people
find out if your town has free movies (our library has a free movie once a month)
find out if your town has free outdoor concerts in the summer. pack a picnic lunch/supper and head out.
sell some of your kids clothes on ebay or trade here for new ones.

[dinade]

You need to pay your bills first and send them off. Then if you can move to a cash only basis for groceries. If it's gone you can't spend it right? This is what I do: Dh gets paid and I immediately get out my zero based budget (Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover or Financial Peace is where i got this information it didn't fall out of the sky onto me. LOL) I can go to this site: http://mysite.verizon.net/resqh9rf/s...owtemplate.xls if you have excel just plug your numbers in and pay your bills and yourself first. I know what you mean and what your doing I did it for years and my dh helped me by spending it too. You really have to get mad to change your ways of spending the money. I hope this helps some. You can pm me if you need any more info. Hugs mama you can do it.

[mthomas]

I second Dave Ramsey. Go to the library and ck out Financial Peace or Total money Makeover.
We got to the point that I was working part time to make ends meet and while we were doing it, we were blowing every single dime after meeting those ends. I'm ashamed to think of how much $$ we couldve put back.

Dh has kind of the same mindset as you. Not that I don't, but his is more than mine. He always used to say "Why scrimp and save now and not enjoy my young years so that when I'm old and decrepit I'm sitting on a ton of cash"
well, I understand that. but why spend and spend now, have nothing to show for it and eat cat food when you're old and decrepit. there is a balance.
It's okay to want things. It's okay to want to have fun, to treat your children, husband, or yourself to something special. But it's not okay to do it at the exspense of your future. It's cool to blow money, according to DR plan, you just plan for it instead.

Okay, I'm going to step off my little soap box here and start listening to my own words. I've fallen off the finanacially responsible wagon as of late. It's time to hop back on.


ETA - wanted to add s: for you b/c it takes a lot of courage to pull your head of the pile of sand that keeps you from falling apart. I know that sand mound all too well.

[LindaCl]

Find more motivation or satisfaction in *not* spending money than spending it. It may mean renewing a healthier relationship to money, and severing the stressful relationship to "stuff".

Not Buying It

My husband (the money manager in the house) is a devotee to this woman : Suze Orman

Linda

[Petersmamma]

Okay, I had to reply to this since this is right up my alley!!

First, you say dh is bad with money. So was my dh, when I met him, the man couldn't get a dang checking account!! But then I went to Costa Rica for 6 weeks, and he HAD to take over our finances. Well, color me surprised he was actually really GOOD with our money!! He set up all these Excel sheets, budgeted into the future, etc! Granted, he did pay our mortgage twice in one month BUT he figured it out. And it TOTALLY empowered him...before, I would tell him we had no money. Now he could see that we had no money And I don't stress so much, b/c I"m not the one dealing with it on a daily basis!!

So maybe you oughta give the guy a chance. He may surprise you.

The other thing we did was to kinda go to a cash economy. We take out a set amount of money for the week and that has to cover EVERYTHING...groceries, gas, toiletries, extras, EVERYTHING. The rest of our money goes to bills. It's not that fun, but at least I know how much I have to spend, and I enjoy trying to spend less every week and setting a bit aside that dh doesn't have access to.

You know what might help break your spending habit? Join Freecycle! You usually have to offer something before you can ask for something, but if you are really buying all this stuff (that your kids probably don't really need...I mean, after all, how many outfits do they truly need (and this is from someone who has clothes through size 5 for her 13 mo)) you can probably find a couple things you wouldn't mind parting with (heck, get rid of some of dh's stuff that you hate ....ooh, I am on a mean streak tonight!) and then you can post wanted ads, as well as responding to others' offers. It is SO fun to see what you can get for free. And that feels SOOO much better than buying it (it's funny how much better I like something (even if it is crap) when it is free)!

I know how you feel. It sucks to always be trying to pay things off and feel like you are getting nowhere. But eventually you are going to have to do it since you will run out of any extra money. It's better to make it a choice than something that is forced.

Mamas, you are offering such great suggestions, they are useful to us all!!

Nu_Mommy, just keep posting to us especially when you want to buy something and we'll talk you down!!! If you can do it for a couple of months, you'll start to feel better and start losing that spending addiction!!



We are here for you!!

[Shiloh]

Okay don't confess but do give dh an allowence for his 'stuff'

You need a budget and an account for outgoing that you do not touch.
Often when we are emmotional spenders we will blow through 20 dollars, 200 dollars or two dollars whatever we have.

So have as many bills come off the top as possible.
Then set aside money for the house and money for dh.

And do it before you have to fess up....

[vamp127]

I have to send you one, because I have btdt--only I did something worse. DH got a home equity thing in the mail and I filled it out for the $$ in order to pay off the disaster that was our bills. This was when I was first sah and we were having a hard time balancing everything. DH was working 2 jobs and going to school. I didn't have the heart and thought the home equity thing was a great out-I could pay off everything and I'd be able to manage the one bill a month. Went great for a couple of months until I left something laying out on my desk and DH saw it.

After a very long and very uncomfortable talk, DH decided to take over even though he was "not good with money". Couldn't have been any worse than me! Anyway, here we are 7 years later and we have great credit, own 2 houses, etc.

What I'm trying to say is: take that step and talk to DH. Explain everything to him. Let him try to manage the money. He might surprise you.

Don't knock yourself.

[Synchro246]

:

[our3boys]

I'd reconsider what you are saving for your kids' college funds. That money should probably be put into your emergency fund and/or a modest vacation fund.

Don't get me wrong - saving for college is really important, but it does not sound like you are in the right place for that yet. It's *obvious* you care about your kids and their education.

Any money they have in accounts for them at the time will count against them for loans, grants, etc. Possibly even scholarships.

I'd get a new account set up and have all that money you were putting into college funds direct deposited into it. Do not get it linked to your current account, and do not use it. Make that your emergency fund.

When your emergency account is funded, start saving for modest vacations. Modest for us is about $300 for 4 or 5 days and includes lodging, food, gas/travel, and other incidentals. This coming from a family who RARELY vacationed. Also check out hostels. We go to one that is in a state park, equivalent of 1/2 block from the beach, tons of hiking and old military ruins the boys love to run through. Hostels often have family rooms. It can still add up, but it is probably a vacation you could save for and could really see it happen. www.HIUSA.org - they tend to be family freindly and try to screen out for substance abusers, etc. You do not have to be a member to stay there. Of course, you still have to be careful w/kids since they see you talking with all these new people and will warm right up to them, too. I've heard from other hostellers there that this is the only organization they will stay with b/c they can be assured of a reasonable standard to expect when they arrive at a place to which they have never been before.

When your emergency account is funded, you can go on at least one modest vacation a year, your 401K's/IRA's are being funded, and you have a monthly savings for house maintencance issues, that is a better time to start directing money to college funds.

Worse case, your kids can get a job to pay for college. That is what I did. I did not qualify for any student loans and my parents could not afford it. I got educational scholarships and worked and had no debt within 1 year out of college (granted, I have a good paying job).

I was listening to a radio show a while back and the host was talking about how so many parents save to pay for their kids' college at the expense of saving for their retirement. When retirement comes, the kids have long forgotten the sacrifice their parents went through so they did not have to work, got lots of spending money, a car to use, etc. Instead, they say (or think to themselves) "you should have thought about saving money for this time in your life instead of wasting it all those years. Now you are struggling and I have to help you". They do not appreciate where the money DID go.

I think you should talk with dh about the situation like others have mentioned before. If it helps you, have a financial plan sort of outlined for when you talk with him. Let him know what is really going on and where you would like to change. It seems that you are carrying a heavy burden and it will be eased if you can come up with a plan together.

In your post, you say you give them what is left after you have had your cut. By "your cut", are you talking about the money you spent going to the beach, and buying them toys or clothes?

[missi66]

I have to say that my mother was like this.She would not tell my dad no about buying something because"He works so hard!" She juggled bills. We had a huge food bill. She didn't buy stuff for herself just my dad and me. She thought I didn't know what was going on. Well guess what...my whole life I worried about money.I knew and what was worse I felt a little lied to. The problem was really that she didn't know what to do with money and didn't know where to learn about it. I will never make my son worry about money like this. I will not be lazy about money.It would be so unfair to him. He should not have to worry about whether or not mommy will get the electric bill paid before they threaten to shut it off. I have no problem telling him " no we can not buy that right now it is not in the budget.Maybe some other time." And what kids really want is our time and attention anyway. I think the Dave ramsey book would really help you. Check it out at the library. I know this is hard.But you are a strong women who has taken the first steps to help. If you follow the Dave Ramsey plan you will get to a point you can vacation but more importantly you will get to a point where you are not worried.You can do it!!!!

[Nu_Mommy_2003]

I talked to DH

He said he's stressed with work right now (their cutting alot of heads) and he trust that I will figure this out. Then he add that our family depends on me to do a good job and if I fail then we all fail. That made me feel better He told me to call a financial planner and I said that's not the problem.

I have a strict budget and if I stick to it it works. The PROBLEM is I DON"T stick to it because I spend more then I'm allowed. I don't think he's getting it. Or better yet he doesn't want to get it. At the end of the night DH said he'll cook dinner this week and cleaning and I figure out how to fix this; "If I know what's good for me".

See DH and I have a great relationship as long as we don't talk about money and budgets. I hate confrontations so I avoid the subject with him. He knows I'm not a confrontational person and have a hard time expressing myself when forced into it and result to physical expression. Therefore, when we got married the finances were put in my control because I didn't trust dh to do them and he didn't trust himself. We never had a money problem until I had DS and the bills started piling. No one foresee huge medical expenses. Yet I still had things in some order.

My current spending habit is based on me feeling guilty and depress because of all the prior sacraficing. I can not think of the last time I got anything new. For 2 years I couldn't buy anything new or eat out or go to the movies or even go on dates (car expenses). And it was a shock to me because before we eat a fancy eateries, dated 3x a week and brought whatever we wanted when we wanted. I guess I just need someone to tell me when I feel the need to spurge (money I don't have) to stop and redirect myself. DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

[kerc]

Originally Posted by Nu_Mommy_2003

I guess I just need someone to tell me when I feel the need to spurge (money I don't have) to stop and redirect myself. DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

Can you keep a note in your purse wrapped around your credit cards or checkbook something to remind you of your goal?

Also I second, third, fourth, whatever the idea of having some "mad" money -- zero spending leaves you feeling deprived.

[Vanessa]

Originally Posted by Nu_Mommy_2003

I guess I just need someone to tell me when I feel the need to spurge (money I don't have) to stop and redirect myself. DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

It does make perfect sense. Unfortunately, that person is probably going to have to be you.

When dh and I were first married, we were huge money wasters. If only we could have back some of it....however, over the years, we have gotten a lot better. I keep a spreadsheet in Excel of all of the bills/budget status for the month. As they are paid I update it. It allows me to know exactly what's available to spend. Before, we would just put it on a card and plan to pay it next time, but then something else would happen or it wouldn't all get quite paid or....you know the story. DH and I both get an allowance, so we both have free money to spend on what we really want. It's alot easier for me to say to myself, no I can't buy this now, but I can buy it next pay period if it's what I really want.

I think you need to address the triggers that make you shop. There's really no other way. I know that I want to shop when I am depressed. So, I try to do something else instead--straighten the craft room, work on an unfinished project, buy a special drink that I like, take the evening out for myself and go to the library to read mags, whatever.

One of the things that I did when I found myself going to Target too much as a new mom was make a list of all the things that ds and I could do instead of shopping. I used to have it hanging on the back of the door. Some of them were fun, some were things I *should* be doing, etc.

Once you get out of the habit, it is a lot easier. There's just a withdrawal period. Good luck!