Help - my habit is keeping us in the hole...update - Page 2

[LindaCl]

You absolutely make sense.

I know you're feeling guilty about spending the money, and I hope this doesn't make you feel more guilty, but I think it's important to ask yourself if it's fair or realistic to pin your hopes on your husband 'rescuing' you from the finances. I know a lot of married people where one spouse's spending is 'controlled' by the other via a limited allowance, and that just opens the door to all kinds of new resentments, distrust, and dependence. Only you can answer whether you'd just prefer he take over because then it will be less stressful for you (and does he deserve to inherit all the stress for making and spending money on his shoulders?), or whether you have a real addiction to spending and threaten the family's security.

One thing that may help in the short term is Stay Out of Stores for awhile! Completely! Think whether or not you have a close friend or relative that you can ask to do your grocery shopping for you, for example, if you've found yourself overspending there.

You've said that you're behind on the savings program, but is there also trouble building from accumulated unpaid bills? Assuming can you stop the impulse spending, will you be okay with a 'from now on' budget? Or do you also need a temporary 'catching up on the old bills' budget?

BTW, Have you heard of Spenders Anonymous? It's a twelve step model, with a support network to call on when you feel like you're wavering or anxious to blow money.

[Nu_Mommy_2003]

Okay we have a new budget were we both get spending money. Thank GOD I don't have to catch up on anything. We just needed a new budget were I get spending money. The old budget had no money for me at all, only limited gas money.

I still think I need some kind of support group to stop me from spending. I'm becoming a frugal mom step by step but I have not learned the savings and no impulse spending part of it.

[Petersmamma]

I totally agree with the advice to stay out of stores. ESPECIALLY thirft stores. You can spend WAY more there than at a retail store b/c everything is cheaper. We have been doing awesome on our budget b.c I basically stopped shopping anywhere except the grocery store and there I focused on FOOD not all the CRAP they now carry.

THENNNNN....we went to the mall this week while waiting to go pick up ds from d/c and we ended up buying 3 pairs of shoes. Granted, they were for us, not ds, and we NEVER spend money on ourselves, just on him, so we had those feelings of deprivation, too. And I had been wanting new shoes FOREVER (I literally ONLY wear flip flops...time for something just a tad more grownup ). So I don't really have buyer's remorse...except one pair I got was on clearance and they are a little tight (I think they will stretch as I wear them) but still...what if they don't, I don't wear them, I wasted $30!!! So, now I am back to staying out of stores!!!

The other thing that is tough is that many of my friends want to socialize by going out to lunch or brunch, whatever. Grrr!! I have NOOO money. So I always try to suggest things that cost nothing, but I can tell they get annoyed with me. Ahhh, well. When I am out of debt and they are still living at home (which is how they have money to eat out all the time), then we can go out to lunch!

[CerridwenLorelei]

Nu Mommy I got this from here earlier in time and thought it might help some too

Do I really need this? Is there anything I can use instead?

Will this item bring enjoyment and beauty into my life?

Will it benefit others?

Will this item help me to engage in life more fully?

Is the cost of the item worth the time it takes to earn the money to buy it?

Could I buy it used? Borrow it? Rent it? Share the purchase with someone else?

How will this purchase affect the environment?

[Valian]

I go through periods of time where I do a lot of spending and others where I don't buy much at all. When I'm in a freewheeling phase, my first line of defense is to imagine the other places I want to use the $ and that often keeps me from spending.

If I know I can't resist the puchase, I let myself buy the thing(s) but leave them in the bag, tags on, with the recipt. I may even leave the bag in the car. If I haven't needed or touched the item in a week then I know I can take them back. I still enjoyed the shopping for a bargain and even buying something. But, I also know that I don't want/need to keep it.

Of course, this only works if you really do return items, and if you don't weaken your initial resistance by thinking, "...well, I can always take it back."

[LindaCl]

Originally Posted by Nu_Mommy_2003

Okay we have a new budget were we both get spending money. Thank GOD I don't have to catch up on anything. We just needed a new budget were I get spending money. The old budget had no money for me at all, only limited gas money.

That's fantastic. I think you deserve to stop beating yourself over money you spent before now. My sil (who is a lost cause when it comes to money), has at least finally learned one or two things. One is that if you feel guilty over something you've bought, you have to get rid of it. Take it back, sell it, or give it to someone who needs it. But if you keep it, it's bad for the psyche, makes you depressed, pessimistic, etc. Don't be a slave to stuff.

I'm becoming a frugal mom step by step but I have not learned the savings and no impulse spending part of it.

I wish money matters were taught better in school. We tend to think of it in either socio-political terms (mgmt vs workers, populist vs big business) or moral terms (ostentatious consumerism vs sacrifice and thrift). In today's terms anyway, the most successful way to budget at home is to think more in business terms.

This is the way I see it when we're working for a living:

A. If after the essentials are paid, the rest is spent on 'stuff', then you're not buying 'stuff' with 'money'. You're auctioning your very limited free time in the *here and now* in exchange for 'stuff'.

B. If after the essentials are paid, you can afford the payments on 'bigger stuff' (ie things you borrow money to buy), you're not buying 'nicer stuff' with your time in the *here and now*, you're auctioning for 'nicer stuff' with your very limited free time *for years and years*.

C. If after the essentials are paid, you save and invest what's left over, and spend what *it pays you* on 'stuff' or 'nicer stuff', you're really auctioning for the 'stuff' with actual money rather than your very limited time on this planet. In fact, if you decide to essentially forgo the 'stuff' altogether, you can literally spend what *it pays you* on buying back your time!! And cut back or quit working for the paycheck to buy the essentials, but instead use the money earned from when you worked years ago to buy them now!!!

As long as inflation is kept in check, this formula is an excellent forcaster. No matter how much you make, or what surprise expenses come your way, with option A your 'stuff' and your 'time' are breaking even now and forever. In option B your 'stuff' is indenturing your 'time' for years. And in option C your 'stuff' isn't traded for your 'time', but purely for 'money-made-money'. (In times of high inflation, trading your *time* tomorrow for *stuff* today, option B, isn't always such an expensive trade--but thankfully we're not saddled with that problem in this country at the moment.)

Now some people love their work and don't miss the time spent on it, so it's a bonus to them to get money for it. They may approach the 'stuff' as if it were something like party favors, I guess. But I think a lot of us feel much more stressed for lack of time than lack of stuff. It's really the one place where every human being on the planet is 100% equal--we only have 24 hours in a day, and looking at it that way, that we're buying our 'stuff' with time, may make it easier to forgo the 'stuff'.

Linda

[rebeccalizzie]

I just wanted to sympathise...I'm in the same situation. I get *VERY* upset at myself that I can't control my spending better. The bills barely get paid, I can't seem to save for anything, and I'm scared witless about quitting my job in August and staying home, even though on paper we look fine.

It's so simplistic I feel stupid that I didn't think of it, but I am going to start paying the bills the day we get paid right away. That (I think) will help me out a lot.

Wanna try to be accountable to each other? I could use it!

[tinybutterfly]

Just wanted to let you know I'd read your post.

It sounds like you are spending for emotional and recreational reasons. I agree that finding substitutes ( packing a lunch, having easy, fast snacks/meals available at home, finding fun, free places to go) will be a great help. That way you won't feel deprived hopefully. Also not going into stores for fun...go only when you have a list, and stick to the list! Really good that you now have a new budget and get some spending money for you! Also agree, don't beat yourself up about the past, just try to do better each new day.

Good luck, mama!

[Ruthla]

I was definitley going to suggest giving yourself some spending money so you don't feel deprived- and I'm glad to see that you've already done that. I suggest keeping your "spending money" or "allowance" or whatever you want to call it in CASH, maybe even in a separate location from "grocery money" and "gas money." When you want a treat, you can use whatever's in your "allowance" spot, and when it's gone, it's gone until next week (or next month, however you decide to do it.)

[jilly]

I think its good that you've realized what your spending "triggers" are. Now you just need to be mindful and self-aware with choosing alternative ways to meet the emotional need. Lots of suggestions have alread been made, but I would just like to add that you might need to chanel your energy in a different way altogether. For example, I find that when I'm frustrated or depressed, I can deal with this in bad ways (spending and eating are my two favorites) or in good ways. Some of the good ways to deal with my emotions are writing in a journal, excersising or just stretching (take the kids for a walk or bike ride), or getting together with a friend. I find that some of these things actually deal with the stress so that it is gone rather than just supressing it for a while longer. Also, you might find as you journal or talk with a friend that you actually discover some of the underlying issues that are causing you to feel you "need" this habit.

A good way to remind yourself to stop is something called anchoring. So, when you go to get into the car and drive to the beach or out for lunch, have an object in the car what will remind you of your commitment to chose another option besides spending. Hope this helps. hang in there, you're fighting a whole culture of consumerism.

[skueppers]

I'm so glad that you now have a budget where each of you has some spending money.

My husband and I have done this since the beginning of our marriage, and it's been extremely helpful -- we never have disagreements about money, and I really think it's because we both know that if we really want something, we can buy it/save up for it. Aside from presents for each other, he mostly uses the money for DVD's and camera gear, while I mostly use the money for airfare to go visit people (without him).

We keep this money in our own separate bank accounts (with a credit union, so there are no fees, minimum balances, etc.).

I also agree with what everyone else said about "paying yourself first" --
we save money right off the top for retirement, college savings, vacations, gifts, household repairs, car repairs, and big long-term needs (whatever they may be -- a new car, a new roof for the house, etc.) Putting all that together, we're setting aside about 20% of his income every month before it has the chance to be spent on everyday expenses. Sure, that means our lifestyle has to be relatively frugal compared to a lot of other people with the same income, but it's such a relief to have the money there when unexpected expenses crop up, rather than going into debt!

[Shirley Ujest]

You can start a New Year's Resolution any time!

This year mine was not to buy anymore fiction books at all. ( My lifelong habit, though all from used book stores, was piling up around my house with books I never had time to read but would get around too one of these days.)

I have been throughly utilizing my local library's interloan program ( have for years, but this year I have probably saved a good $1000 already since January.)


You will be passing down your constant consumerism and spaztic shopping habits to your children. They.Learn.From.You.

Also, educate yourself on whatever it is that is your new obsession. Google and Ebay are a great place to do such things.

An example is I simply adore purses and luggage. I need another of each like 50 pounds of fat. But, I cannot stop looking and searching for The Ultimate Bag (TM)

(and shoes too, but I stick birks,danksos and mephisto's and since they last FOREVER, only buy maybe one pair of shoes a year.)

What I do is surf eBay for purses and educate myself on what is out there ( I am no fan of designer bags. I don't understand the cult of designer bags.) and just book mark the ones that seem really cool to me. In 7 years of ebaying, I've bought two purses and one peice of luggage. That is it and I was completely satisfied with my purchases. ( and resold one after the thrill was gone.)

But, when I go to the Salvation Army and similar, I can tell you that I can pick out an unknown brand of good quality like nobody's bidness, buy it, and resell it at a small to moderate profit.


Ebay is a great place to learn about something and get great deals. It is also gives you a cooling off period of " OOOOH I Gots To Have That Right Now! Gimmee Gimme Gimme!" because of the " Oh, I have to wait for the auction to end in three days...and the shipping is $15...that is such a rip off!"

The deal might not be on the item per se, but in the fact that you don't have to leave your house, load up kids, find a parking spot, crate kids inside, find item, debate whether or not you want to pay retail and OOOOH LOOK...There is a Sale on Shoes/purses/spagettio's/toilet paper/whatever that I can't pass up at that price.

Retail stores kick you in the proverbial balls with knowing women cannot resist a sale even if they don't need it. It is why they layout their stores in such a manner ( sales on endcaps, all kid related products between waist and shoulder level so kids can go berzerk.)

There is an old saying that I am going to gum up: Women pay 70% off of retail price for stuff they don't need and men pay 110% for one item they do need.

I also do not put anything on my credit card* and we only have one.

(Ok, I did put $100 on the CC recently when we were out of town on a day trip and I hit a really cool independant toy store. I buy now for the holidays and birthdays.)

[rsps]

Not sure if this applies at all, but thought I would throw it out. I had a friend who was having similar spending problems, and it turned out one of the medications she was taking was causing it -- that's how her brain/body reacted to the drug. Once she got her meds switched she's doing much better with spending.

[Petersmamma]

Wow! That's crazy about the meds and spending!!

I have a thing for purses too! I think dh will be getting me a really nice Lix Claiborne bag for Mother's Day (I do like designer bags, to a point...I HATE HATE labels, but I LOVE my Kate Spade diaper bag that I got for $50 on eBay!!)

I also wanted to chime in on the library thing. When I was little, my mom and I would go to the library every week. I LOVED the library. When I met dh (who also loves to read) he would go to used bookstores and buy books, feeling great about himself since it was a used bookstore. At first, he resisted the library, and then, he had lots of fines from not returning things on time. Now, seven years later, he LOVES the library as much as I do and we take ds!! Hopefully, that will inspire a love of reading and NOT purchasing books (you can always but it if you really love it). Right now, though, he just likes to chew on them!!

Oh, and the library is great for cookbooks to figure out how to cook the stuff in your pantry, and for books on money management, as well as child rearing!! Plus, we get DVDs there...last week, I got a DVD of classic muppet show!! One of the episodes has a young Steve Martin!! LOVE it!

[Aeress]

we were behind on some bills. our spending hadn't changed but all of our bills had. gas for car went up, gas and electric went up b ut our income satyed the same as well as our spending. I did, just in the last two weeks get everything back in order, paid up, some paid off, and all back into a budget. dh and I are working to pay on the day he or I get paid...I used to send out checks before i got paid, by a day, so the money was already spoken for when I got paid but after one bounced check becuase my check didn't clear I stopped doing that.
we did sell our difficult to rent second home and that was a fantastic relief b ecuase while it brought in some extra income, it really was more work than anything.

[mysticmomma]

We have two accounts. One is for our bill money. We have no checks or cards to this account. We put $400 a week into this account and our bills automatically debit out of it. Then we have a "swiper" account. DH gets cash for gas and spending for the week, and I use the card for everything else including groceries. When that money is gone... it's gone. there is no more money until the next pay. maybe that would work for you if you separate your bill money first. Also, I saw you needed some repairs done. What if your "spending' was on a gallon of paint a week or something, or go to walmart or somewhere (I know evil), and put a sofa on layaway, and your "spending that week would be on the sofa... find a way to make the needs shoping fun for you.
Trisha