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DCFS help needed update post #151

post #1 of 169
Thread Starter 
I need some information please.

Our 15 year old daughter flipped out earlier tonight. Punching us, kicking, punching her father in the genitals. This was precipitated by a confrontation on her sluffing school. She was a danger to herself, a danger to us. I called my sister who works for DCFS. She told me to call the police. This was while the chaos was going on. So I called.

Police came, dd told them to f*ck off. Said she was being abused by us. Police asked for proof. No bruises, no marks, nothing on her.

She was continuing to be combative, they removed her from the home in handcuffs and took her to youth services.

Once there, they found small scrapes on the back of her legs from us trying to carry her back into the house. She was refusing to stand and if we had let her go, she would have bolted. Those are the only marks on her.

The police told us there was no abuse, told her there was no abuse. Due to the marks, youth services has reported us to DCFS.

We were given the option of picking her up tonight or waiting till tomorrow. They will only hold her for 24 hours. We said to keep her.

So now we have abuse allegations to deal with on top of an unstable child who is hellbent on self destruction and taking down the rest of us with her. She went so far as to tell the police we killed our oldest dd, the one who took her own life.

So what do we do now? DCFS will be coming to our home to talk to us, to the other kids. I want to co-operate but do not want the shaft either. I'm trying to reach my sister again for help. Not sure what she can do other than offer advice.

As for my dd, I'm not sure I even want her home at this point. Her actions and allegations are frightening to us and to the rest of the kids. We are looking into some type of tough love camp, facility, putting her into foster care, something, anything to get her help.

The love we have for her is so deep and she does not see it. She hates us.

What do we do as far as DCFS? What do we do to help her? We are at a loss. Everything we did for our late dd scares us as it seems now to not have helped. We lost her anyway. This is our second go round with DCFS and this dd. The previous time was for something else she did. We talked with the worker and everything went away. No problems.

But now? So much worse... Help...

Janis
post #2 of 169
I dont haave any advice...but I couldnt read this and not reply
post #3 of 169
I don't have advice, but i will pray for you and your dd..........
post #4 of 169
Oh, Janis. I'm so sorry.

My only thought is to call your pediatrician, if you have a good one. He or she might have a therapist to recommend you to who specializes in teens, or some info on some other kind of therapy/living situation. At the very least, if DCFS investigates further, your ped. can speak about your situation will full knowledge if necessary.

I wonder if your dd is reliving the hurt of your older dd's death, as she approaches the age at which her sister began to have such terrible difficulty.

Good luck, mama, you and your dd and your whole family are in my prayers.
post #5 of 169
While they may be doing a mandatory investigation, my guess would be that your DD is no picnic with them either. It may be something they're doing to cover their bases. Honestly, I think they'll probably see right through her. Again, that's just a bystander's guess, but I can't see her being that volatile and it not showing through to them.

On top of that to your whole family.
post #6 of 169
OMG. I'm sorry, Janis. I'm so sorry this happened. (((HUGS)))
post #7 of 169
Honestly having dcfs involved may not be a bad thing. It souds like your dd needs some serious help and quick. My sister died 3 years ago and I was devastated as an adult, I can't imagine how devestating it would be at that age.

Let DCFS know about your older child and your fear for your youger dd. Ask them to help you find your dd some help.

Hugs to you!
post #8 of 169
I'm not going to lie. I think it's terrible that you told them to keep her. I know your rationale may be that "she's a danger to herself and others," but chances are, she didn't like spending the night wherever she spent the night and will respond well to the threat of having the cops called on her again.

She could have PTSD or any number of psychological problems because of her sister's death. She could also have genetic psychological problems, if that is what her sister had. Add abandonment to that, and who knows what will happen to her?

You should go pick her up right now. Is this not an AP site? Is there some age when AP theories are no longer applicable? She's still a child.
post #9 of 169
My two oldest kids put us through all kinds of stuff with CPS.


In both cases, I was able to convince a relative to take the kid. It wasn't great, but it was better than I felt foster care would be. In both cases, it broke my heart.


And with the kids 27 and 23, we're all friends now. THey both tell stories about how horrible they were, and neither thinks we were mean or evil for setting limits and sticking to them.

It's soooo painful for the younger kids.

I'm includingyou in my prayers tonight. Know that you can only do the best you can, and no more.
post #10 of 169
Thinking of you and your family. Wishing you strength and peace as you work through this.
post #11 of 169
Janis, I'm so sorry this is happening. I hope you can find the best way to help her. I like what a previous poster said about asking the pediatrician for help/referrals.
post #12 of 169
I think child services might "MIGHT" be a blessing for you perhaps they could find a residential anger managment and behavioral therapy school for her?
my dd went to one it was amazing the transformation.

I say call them first thing in the morning and arrange an appointment at their offices to discuss treatment options for your child who is in distress.

Quote:
As for my dd, I'm not sure I even want her home at this point. Her actions and allegations are frightening to us and to the rest of the kids.
sadly she is a danger at this point and would probably benefit from therapy outside the home.

Sounds as if she might need a workup to see if there are any biochemical issues like bipolar, schizophrenia and medical issues. she's harming and violent so she fits the top of the list for treatment.

Quote:
I'm not going to lie. I think it's terrible that you told them to keep her. I know your rationale may be that "she's a danger to herself and others," but chances are, she didn't like spending the night wherever she spent the night and will respond well to the threat of having the cops called on her again.
I don't think it was terrible you have to have some limits and it sounds like she's been running over you for a while it is hard as a mother to accept you cannot heal your own childs emmotional issues. It is harder to say I can't have this child here now it seems outwardly like its rejecting its not, its not rejecting to get help when you need it. Thats a lot of stress and its probably best for both of you as well when my dd did that I never laid a hand on her other than to defend myself but oh man I sure wanted to after those types of physical and emmotional punches in the face.

Quote:
She could have PTSD or any number of psychological problems because of her sister's death. She could also have genetic psychological problems, if that is what her sister had. Add abandonment to that, and who knows what will happen to her?
I think getting help when you need it and protecting yourself and other family members is not abandonment its intelligence. Abandonment would be dropping her off at the CPS and saying she's all yours

Quote:
You should go pick her up right now. Is this not an AP site? Is there some age when AP theories are no longer applicable? She's still a child.
WHAT? No guilt on this mama is not going to be helpful to the family, attachment parenting does not mean you allow your kids to abuse you to keep a bond going... loving a child means that you know when you can handle a situation and when you can't. The only thing that may preserve the family sometimes is seperation for the family to sort out the issues.
post #13 of 169
For what is worth and since I know that you were looking for support not citizism...I think you did the right thing telling them to keep her over night. AP means meeting your child's needs and if she is hurting herself and others (what if she went after another of your children next time?), I think you are meeting her needs by letting her see where her current path is taking her. Effective AP families are family-centered, not child-centered. I also believe that having to sit overnight in youth services for assault is a natural consequences . If it was a teacher she attacked, they could press charges and she would really be spending time in youth detention. AP does not mean you let your kids do anything the want. Boundaries do exist in AP, particularly in teen years where they really need them. You know your child better than anyone else. Many major psychological illnesses can begin to manifest around the early teen years. Do you think that is a possibility?

Your family is in my thoughts.
post #14 of 169
I hope you can get some help for your daughter and your family. I think family counseling is urgently needed, just based on what you've posted here: one child committed suicide, another physically attacked you, and you thought purposely getting a third sick, puking drunk was good parenting. All of those are red flags that things aren't working in your family, IMO. Your daughter may be the one acting out now, but from a family systems perspective, that's her role in the family, and it's the family system that needs to be fixed.

Simply getting rid of the designated "problem" won't fix the underlying issues. You can't think of this as "Why is she messing up?" but "How is this family messing up?" I truly hope you find a competent counselor.

dar
post #15 of 169
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post #16 of 169
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiloh
WHAT? No guilt on this mama is not going to be helpful to the family, attachment parenting does not mean you allow your kids to abuse you to keep a bond going... loving a child means that you know when you can handle a situation and when you can't. The only thing that may preserve the family sometimes is seperation for the family to sort out the issues.
AP is looking into sending a 15-year-old to a tough-love bootcamp? Come on.

I've done extensive work with teenagers and in my experience, I have found that they act out for a reason. This could be family death, divorce, adoption, rape, molestation, etc. Good parents look to local therapy options to help their troubled teenagers.

OP, if you're really thinking about a tough-love option like bootcamp, I urge you to first read the book Help at Any Cost: How the Troubled-Teen Industry Cons Parents and Hurts Kids, by Maia Szalavitz. It details a lot of problems with the industry.
post #17 of 169


I really hope this gets better for you. My sister struggled like this when she was a teen and it was really hard on everyone- we got through it and so can your family. Don't reject the help that is out there.

Contrary to what some of the other posters think, remember that you are doing the best you can- you and your family have been through a whole lot and the last thing you need is more guilt.
post #18 of 169
I agree. Whether or not you agree with JanisB, she obviously posted in desperation and looking for help, not to be judged and called a bad parent.

Janis, I don't have any advice for you but I hope you get the help you and your family need.
post #19 of 169
Thread Starter 
First off, dd IS in therapy. She has been since her sister died. Ongoing, weekly therapy.

We've done family counseling, long term.

She has been evaluated numerous times by a psychiatrist. She does have PTSD and depression, which is why she is in therapy and on meds to help her. One of my concerns is a medication she is on and started at the first of the year. Since going on it, she has gotten worse not better. She has an appointment for a med evaluation next week.

We've gotten the kids involved in support groups.

For those who offered support, thank you. Some posts have felt, to me, a bit harsh. I'm not perfect. I never said I was. You don't know the agony, self blame and self hatred I have for my daughters death. I *do* blame myself.

I'm out of answers on how to help my dd. I live in fear of losing another child. I panic when they are late from school. I worry myself to the point of ulcers and near breakdowns over them.

Part of being a parent, to me, is doing the best you can for all your kids. Leaving dd at youth sevices tonight was to give her a chance to calm down, for me to calm down, for the other kids to have some peace. I went down and took her meds to her along with a few other things. They brought her out to collect them. She glared at me, would not speak to me. I gave her things to her, the worker had to prompt her to say thank you. She did but in a snotty voice. I said I loved her. She said whatever and walked away.

The options of programs to put her in are not to punish her or to send her away. It is trying to find help, something that will reach her.

When Caite had problems after Marrissa's death, we put her into an inpatient treatment program. Intensive therapy, group, individual, peer. She was only expected to be there 3 months. She was in for 7. But you know what, I have my daughter back. She's happy, she has a job, just got a promotion. She's dating. She is no longer cutting, starving herself and planning her death. So "abandoning" her was the best thing for her. It gave her a way to find her way after losing her sister, her best friend.

It's very easy to sit back and judge when you have not walked the walk another is on. You lose a child to suicide (or any other way) and who you were no longer exists. Lose a sibling or spouse and the same applies. There is the life you had before and the new one. One filled with pain, tears, suffering and never ending questions and self doubt. You struggle like hell to find your footing again. To find a way to go on.

My daughter is hurting. I know that. But she cannot tear the family apart further. We need to find the best way to help her and if that means a placement program of some type, so be it. It wouldn't be to make things easier for us. It would be to try and help her. I'm not the type to keep plugging away at something that does not work rather than get her help.

I know I asked for advice and help but I will respectfully ask that if you want to add to the guilt I already have, please remain silent. I beat myself up enough. I don't need any help to feel like an even sh*ttier parent.

Janis
post #20 of 169
i have never seen tough love work. i have never seen tough love camps work.

i agree with the PP would suggested serious family counseling, and couseling for you daughter alone.

i hope you all get the help you need.
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