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DCFS help needed update post #151 - Page 2

post #21 of 169
You guys have been through so much. It must have been so hard going through all of that tonight, but you did the right thing for the situation.

I agree with a pp that a psych eval sounds like a good idea. Also, is she currently in counseling?

Sorry, we x-posted
post #22 of 169

I was a teenager who behaved like your dd. In my case I was responding to some pretty crappy things that had happened in my life (abuse, abandonment etc.) My mom sent me to live with other people on a few different occasions and it really helped me realize where here limitations were.
I don't know your family situation but maybe you have a relative/friend you could send her to stay with for 3-6months. With a condition that if her behavior warrants it, she can be allowed to move back in?

I hope you find some guidance here mama!
Good luck.
post #23 of 169
Thread Starter 
i have never seen tough love work. i have never seen tough love camps work.
I have. And I know it helped me when I was a troubled teen.

i agree with the PP would suggested serious family counseling, and couseling for you daughter alone.
She IS in counseling. We've done family therapy.

i hope you all get the help you need.
Thank you.

post #24 of 169
BIG for you Janis. I pulled something like this when I was about your DD's age. Nothing that my parents did really helped, it was something that I had to deal with. But I needed professional help, and my parents weren't exactly agressive in helping me get it. This sounds like it is beyond the scope of your family. Please get her some counseling.

ETA~ We x-posted. I saw that you are concerned about the meds. Are there any naturopaths in your area that maybe you could take your DD to?

OT~ Ladies, Janis needs our support right now, not an argument. Whether you agree with her actions or not, she did what she thought was best for her family. I would hope that we as fellow mothers could at least recognise her pain and offer our support and good wishes.
post #25 of 169
I wish I had some advice for you. I was the troubled teen that got pregnant and that is what straightened me out. That is what got through to me. I don't know what it will take to get through to your daughter that she isn't the center of the universe and she's hurting people around her. Teenagers can be very selfish and I just don't know what it takes to make them NOT selfish. But I just wanted to say I'm sorry you have to go through this stuff and I hope that something will get through to her so you can have your daughter back.
post #26 of 169
TOugh love camps may work for a few but everything I've read about them screams "RUN AWAY NOW!!!" - with children there who have no business being there, and staff members who really have no business in such positions.

I am a behavior therapist and I am well aware of many behavior problems. There is always a cause, and I don't believe in punitive ways of solving them. I work with kids with severe disabilities and behavior issues.

While she may need a change of placement, I beg you to seriously investigate any options you are considering before making a decision.
post #27 of 169
Janis, there is an old saying, that if it doesn't feel right, don't do it.

You have to go on your feelings.

I feel you have done the right thing. Given that you have taken all the steps that any responsible parent should, then you have nothing to fear. Your sister gave you advice and surely she will stand by you.

Yes, definitely look at the drugs issue. You know the history of SSRI's I'm sure, and why and how they got taken off the market for adolescents. They can, and do make the situation worse.

There is one other thing you may like to consider if you haven't already done it.

We keep copies of all medical files for our children in the house. It comes in very useful. Either you can get copies or you can talk to the medical people involved, who will vouch for your parenting.

In terms of tough love, I've seen it work as well.

I'm not going to lie. I think it's terrible that you told them to keep her.
Who are you to say this?

I think its great when someone has the balls to put their kid in a time out situation where no-one's going to take ongoing lying, and she can sit down, cool down, and start to think things through rationally, including the implications of carrying on in such an out of control undermining fashion.
I know your rationale may be that "she's a danger to herself and others," but chances are, she didn't like spending the night wherever she spent the night and will respond well to the threat of having the cops called on her again.
You... are second guessing. I'd back Janis's judgement over yours any day.

She could have PTSD or any number of psychological problems because of her sister's death. She could also have genetic psychological problems, if that is what her sister had. Add abandonment to that, and who knows what will happen to her?
Again, you second guessed. Given that she's been assessed if she had those wouldn't they have found that out long ago?

You should go pick her up right now.
Excuse me, but your comment smacks of Putinism. It's not your life, nor your child.

Is this not an AP site?
What has that got to do with it? Are you saying that your views are the only useful ones around here?
Is there some age when AP theories are no longer applicable? She's still a child
There is an age when children have to grow up and get a grip. If they refuse to do it the easy way after months of therapy etc, there is a group of them who have to do it the hard way. And that way is usually when parents are at the end of the rope having been dragged around mercilessly for longer than enough.

And frankly, sometimes the experience is good for them.

Kids cannot live all their lives in sunshine, for all sunshine makes a desert, and sometimes to have mountaintop experiences you have to plough through the valleys and sludge.

I know. I've been there.

And maybe Janis has too.
post #28 of 169
AP is looking into sending a 15-year-old to a tough-love bootcamp? Come on.
who said that? the mama listed it as something on her list of treatment options for her daughter. A residential therapy environment isn't always tough love.

I think it sounds like she's dealing with a lot of issues add in teenage years and hormones and it will take a while to sort them out. But it does set up some big flags for things like bipolar (self harming, violence, rapid cycling)

Good luck mama and hugs from me.

and I am still shocked at people who would step up to judge you..until you have lived and walked in those shoes you really can't talk about it.

Having a child that self harms, is abusive, violent a child you are afraid of while giving everything you have emmotionally, financially....
you don't know the hell it is

Good parents look to local therapy options to help their troubled teenagers.
if you read the postings she has done that.
post #29 of 169
Janis, I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. My prayers and thoughts are with all of you.

And FWIW, I agree with CrazyRed here. Janis has been through hell and back, and the LAST thing she needs is someone questioning her APishness? :
post #30 of 169
For a period of more than 5 years, my older brother was physically violent A LOT and mostly towards me. The cops were called many times and he was taken away in handcuffs and those nights of sleep were bliss. I don't blame you one bit for letting her stay where she is because she can't hurt you and your other children. My brother ended up in a behavioral rehabilitation center of my parent's choosing for 18 months and was never violent again. We actually have a great relationship now.

Personally, I would much rather do some research and send my child to a place I feel comfortable with instead of waiting until a judge declares her a danger and sends her where he thinks she should go. I don't know your daughter so it's not fair for me to make claims to understand what will work for her, but you know her Janis. I think you'll make the best decision for her.
post #31 of 169
PS I don't know anything about boot camps because they aren't something we have where I live.

But we do have tough love programmes. I don't know what you term tough love, but here it is for parents, and consists of them learning enough about the situation to create logical, sensible boundaries, and refuse to be budged on them. They may include what behaviours are acceptable and what is not.

To me, AP doesn't mean the free-for-all TCS approach, or "let it all hang out". There are still acceptable behavioural boundaries, and they aren't something that only apply to adults because children are "just" children so should be automatically exempt.
post #32 of 169
I want to offer hugs first. It sounds like you are doing everything you can.

I read about the meds, I offer only this, if they change her meds (and I would fight them too) have another eval in 1 month. My psychatrist (whom I love, and not that way) believes in eval every month esp with kids.

Good Luck
post #33 of 169
Originally Posted by Momtezuma Tuatara
To me, AP doesn't mean the free-for-all TCS approach, or "let it all hang out". There are still acceptable behavioural boundaries, and they aren't something that only apply to adults because children are "just" children so should be automatically exempt.
post #34 of 169
Oh how I love Momtezuma Tuatara!
post #35 of 169
old fashioned fossil that she is?
post #36 of 169
Originally Posted by Momtezuma Tuatara

To me, AP doesn't mean the free-for-all TCS approach, or "let it all hang out". There are still acceptable behavioural boundaries, and they aren't something that only apply to adults because children are "just" children so should be automatically exempt.
Amen, sister! When does that "just" a child become "just" an adult who has to make her way in the world (pretty much) on her own? Isn't it part of our job as parents to prepare our children for adulthood and the time when they have to make their own choices and then live with their own choices and all of the repercussions of those choices? Fifteen is approaching that point, is it not? Yes, she's still Janis' child, but she's fast approaching the time when she is no longer "just" a child, and she needs to have the tools available to her to exist in that world. Continuing to think along the lines that she's exempt from acceptable behavioral boundaries (as MT put it) is not doing her any favors.
post #37 of 169
Janis - the overwhelming majority of CPS investigations are dismissed. I hope that is a small comfort at this point. I agree with the pp who said that they will most likely see right through your dd. The fact that she has been in counseling and you have been in family couseling should be in your favor as well, as you should have documentation of what your dd's history is. I'm sorry I don't have anything else to offer.
post #38 of 169
Originally Posted by Momtezuma Tuatara
old fashioned fossil that she is?
You betcha! Anyway I can get ya, my dear!
post #39 of 169
post #40 of 169
praying for your family tonight, for peace, for discernment, for comfort, and for strength for everyone.
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