DCFS help needed update post #151 - Page 3

[organicmommy]

Mama I wanted to offer you a hug. You are going through a very tough situation that seems to get tougher by the day. My heart goes out to you and I hope that all of the mama's that are judging you for the way you have handled things NEVER have to deal with what you have been living. You are a very strong person who amazes me more every time I read a post from you. I admire your strength to continue on in your day to day life and be able to still raise your children the best way possible.
Please don't let any of the mama's that are judging you feel any more guilty than you already do. There is no good place for the guilt that you are feeling as I know taht if you could take back everything terrible that has happened in your life you would.

Hugs
Jessica

[Greenie]

My brother commited suicide in August of '05. I know what you're going through, and I know what she's going though. I was diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years ago. With healthy eating, excersise, therapy, and lots of understanding, I've come through it (the ptsd was from sexual abuse in my childhood). I have an idea of what is going on.

My best advice: talk to a lawyer. Make sure that Family Services isn't going to try to take away your other children. Sign releases with your doctors and make sure that they send letters to your caseworker. Check your DD into a mental facility, where she can recieve intensive therapy and she won't be a danger to herself. Honestly, if my mother had followed my advice and done that for my brother, I beleive he would still be here.

Good luck mama. I know it's hard. She's hurting right now, and I know you are too. I think you did the right thing by letting her stay there. CrazyRed is right. You need support, Mama.. And I have a feeling that your daughter being on Meds might not be such a good idea. I have seen them work for some people, but in all honesty, the best things I ever took to help me with my issues was extacy and mushrooms (responsibly, on seperate occasions, once I was an adult, of course). Not saying to give them to her, just sharing my experience.

[delicious]

i wouldn't really call TCS a free for all approach. :

[Arduinna]

Originally Posted by Dar

I hope you can get some help for your daughter and your family. I think family counseling is urgently needed, just based on what you've posted here: one child committed suicide, another physically attacked you, and you thought purposely getting a third sick, puking drunk was good parenting. All of those are red flags that things aren't working in your family, IMO. Your daughter may be the one acting out now, but from a family systems perspective, that's her role in the family, and it's the family system that needs to be fixed.

Simply getting rid of the designated "problem" won't fix the underlying issues. You can't think of this as "Why is she messing up?" but "How is this family messing up?" I truly hope you find a competent counselor.

dar

I 100% agree with everyting Dar said. In fact she said what i was going to post after reading the OP. Your whole family needs to have counseling with a reputable counselor that will work with you all to break the cycle that has resulted in this situation.

[rabrog]

Janis - you rock for how you handled the situation. You are doing the right thing, seeking treatment for your daughter. Love to you.

Jenn

[Irishmommy]

MT says it all for me again.

[skj474]

I just wanted to give you a and hope that things get better for you all.

[CathToria]

Originally Posted by Red

.
In both cases, I was able to convince a relative to take the kid. It wasn't great, but it was better than I felt foster care would be. In both cases, it broke my heart.

My mom had to do the same with my brother. He went to live with my aunt in for his junior year of highschool. It gave him a chance to switch schools, friends, environment to change and start making good choices.

He is now 35 and has beena changed person for the last 18 years. We say that my aunt probably saved his life.

[CathToria]

Originally Posted by JanisB

First off, dd IS in therapy. She has been since her sister died. Ongoing, weekly therapy.

We've done family counseling, long term.

She has been evaluated numerous times by a psychiatrist. She does have PTSD and depression, which is why she is in therapy and on meds to help her. One of my concerns is a medication she is on and started at the first of the year. Since going on it, she has gotten worse not better. She has an appointment for a med evaluation next week.

We've gotten the kids involved in support groups.

For those who offered support, thank you. Some posts have felt, to me, a bit harsh. I'm not perfect. I never said I was. You don't know the agony, self blame and self hatred I have for my daughters death. I *do* blame myself.

I'm out of answers on how to help my dd. I live in fear of losing another child. I panic when they are late from school. I worry myself to the point of ulcers and near breakdowns over them.

Part of being a parent, to me, is doing the best you can for all your kids. Leaving dd at youth sevices tonight was to give her a chance to calm down, for me to calm down, for the other kids to have some peace. I went down and took her meds to her along with a few other things. They brought her out to collect them. She glared at me, would not speak to me. I gave her things to her, the worker had to prompt her to say thank you. She did but in a snotty voice. I said I loved her. She said whatever and walked away.

The options of programs to put her in are not to punish her or to send her away. It is trying to find help, something that will reach her.

When Caite had problems after Marrissa's death, we put her into an inpatient treatment program. Intensive therapy, group, individual, peer. She was only expected to be there 3 months. She was in for 7. But you know what, I have my daughter back. She's happy, she has a job, just got a promotion. She's dating. She is no longer cutting, starving herself and planning her death. So "abandoning" her was the best thing for her. It gave her a way to find her way after losing her sister, her best friend.

It's very easy to sit back and judge when you have not walked the walk another is on. You lose a child to suicide (or any other way) and who you were no longer exists. Lose a sibling or spouse and the same applies. There is the life you had before and the new one. One filled with pain, tears, suffering and never ending questions and self doubt. You struggle like hell to find your footing again. To find a way to go on.

My daughter is hurting. I know that. But she cannot tear the family apart further. We need to find the best way to help her and if that means a placement program of some type, so be it. It wouldn't be to make things easier for us. It would be to try and help her. I'm not the type to keep plugging away at something that does not work rather than get her help.

I know I asked for advice and help but I will respectfully ask that if you want to add to the guilt I already have, please remain silent. I beat myself up enough. I don't need any help to feel like an even sh*ttier parent.

Janis

hugs and prayers to you mama!

[mmace]

I'll be praying for your family...

[littlemama06]

I am so sorry for all of you.I am just 19 and i think sometimes kids(teens) need a kick in the butt to be put on the right track.My little sister has had a real hard time lately,she is getting better.My mom had to restrain her one night when she demanded to leave the house even though she was dizzy and sick for not eating.It was so hard on my parents,all of us.
I know my parents had thought they may have to put her in a hospital(they ended up not having to though)
I will be parying for your family,still being a teen myself, i think you did the right thing letting her stay there for the night.If she were an adult and she acted that way,were would she have gone?We were rasied very AP and we really only had natural consequences,thats what your daughter had last night.
Again, I am so sorry.
Kaitlin

[NaomiLorelie]

((((hugs))))) to you Janis! One question I do have for you. Do you like your family counselor? Do you feel that she/he is a good fit? No matter what decision you make with your daughter ongoing family therapy is definately still needed, although you probably already figured that out. I hope you can find the kind of program that she needs and soon. I can't imagine you would have been able to even keep her in the house had you not left her overnight. Heaven forbid she has to sample a tiny taste of what might happen to her if she doesn't get herself under control. (please note sarcasm)

I know that we don't know all the events that have occured to lead this family to this horrible place. I don't know why her much loved daughter took her own life, or the things that happened afterward. How can we presume to know what is best for this girl or for her entire family. Leave judgement for those well equiped to give it. And really, at what age should a child be held accountable for her actions. At 15, it's time to start learning the consequences of her actions. Especially for someone who is having to learn about the harsh realities of life at such a tender age. Should Janis wait until her daughter is 18 when her actions can land her in prison? Ignoring the needs of an individual child in order to follow some general AP list is neglectful. I hope that these gentle principles will work for my children when they are older, and I will always try them first, but my number one responsibility as a parent is to raise a responsible, loving, and caring adult and I will do that in whatever way that I have to. As always, I am amazed by the judgement that comes from a few. (((hugs))) to you Janis. No matter what happened or happens, you deserve them.

[nicole lisa]

Janis,

How is everyone this morning?

I just wanted to check in and encourage you to switch counselors for your family and your DD. I know you mentioned she is in counselling (want to add that when someone is in counselling oftentimes things do get worse before they get better as the client starts to face and relive the hurt etc) but maybe it's not the right counselor? It can take many tries with different therapists before the right one is found - that's very common. Even if a counselor comes with great reccomendations from Drs, friends, family it still might not be the right one for your daughter. It's a personal relationship - ask your DD how she feels about her counselor. Keep looking.

Dar hit the nail on the head about family systems. I hope you find something that works for your family.

[Boadicea]

How is everyone this morning, mama?

[JamesMama]

[GoodWillHunter]

Janis, I'm thinking of you and sending hope and peace to your family. You all so desperately need it. : I'm here if I can help you in any way....

[Haydee]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. This may sound odd, but I'm happy she is acting out. That's her way of asking for help. I was a troubled teen and to this day my mother has no idea I was starving myself, cutting myself, drinking, smoking ciggarettes, doing drugs, anything to try to stop the pain. I did the same thing your DD did, going after my dad and trying to beat him up, my parents just didn't react like you did. I was raped at 15, and should have been in counseling, but my parents never forced me to. I should have had a psych eval, but never did. It's a blessing to your DD that you are doing all that you can to help her though this. 15 is still a child, even though at that age many teenagers believe they are adults. I know I did. The only thing that made me shape up was getting pregnant, and still I stuck with an abusive man for 5 years because he was the father of my child.

My advice? Check her into an inpatient program near you, and visit her as often as you can. CPS isn't as bad as they seem, the majority of cases are dismissed. If they see you doing all that you can to help your DD and other children I think you should be fine. You and your family are in my thoughts!!

[CallMeMommy]

Just wanted to give you a I bet the CPS investigation is just a formality and they won't be back after the first visit. I hope everything works out for your family.

[*LoveBugMama*]

I am so, so deeply sorry for all you and your familya are going trough..

I will be praying for you.


And I have to say that I am really, really sad to see some of the posts in this thread. This mama needs our LOVE, hugs, prayers and understanding!

[Anguschick1]

to you Janis
to your family