|I agree that your whole family needs to be in intensive therapy. Something is obviously very wrong. I am not saying it's your fault that your DD committed suicide, but you need to be in therapy to find out why your family system is dysfunctional and what you personally can do to fix it. Are you married? If so, your husband needs to be in therapy as well. Family therapy that focuses only on the "problem child" is not good. Since two of your children have had serious problems, there is something bigger going on here. Everyone needs to figure out their role in the dysfunction and take the steps to fix it.
And dragging your dd up the stairs is a bad idea. If you are trying to restrain her, you need training from mental health professionals in how to do it without physically hurting her. Otherwise, you need to let her run off. If she is getting injured because you're trying to stop her, it's only going to escalate. You probably can't physically stop a teenager anyway.
I agree that I can't see that your dd needs tough love. It sounds like she needs help, not blame, while she is grieving. I agree that she needs acceptable limits, though. You need help in establishing and enforcing them.
My daughter that took her own life had bipolar. It's a mental illness, not a cuase of dysfunction. My 17 year old also has bipolar. Again, a mental illness, not a cause of dysfunction.
We've done family therapy, dh included. It was not problem child based therapy. It was solutions and plans for the whole family therapy.
We have been taught proper restraint procedures. We had to learn them with our late dd because in her swings/rages she could lethaly escalate and harm herself. We were only carrying her inside to try and reduce the show to the neighborhood. She was screaming abuse as we tried calmly to talk to her. And no, we aren't going to let her run off when she is threatening to leave and harm herself. We did what we have been taught to do.
I agree she needs help. Have I not said that over and over? I don't blame her for her grief. But I can be and am angry at her physical lashing out. This is not the first time. No parent should have to duck blows from an out of control child.
We have acceptable rules and limits in place. Also have reasonable consequences for them. But to allow one child to run roughshod over the family is NOT reasonable nor healthy.
At this point the plan is to put her into an intensive residential treatment program. One that has individual, group and family therapy. As a part of this program we are also going to be taking a parenting class. One we've taken before, several times. But maybe we can glean something new from it.
Also we will be removing one of the medications she is on. The side effects that we are seeing include: apathy, depression,twitching, agitation, anxiety, delusions, depersonalization, coordination abnormalaties, hallucinations, manic reaction, hostility, emotional lability, euphoria and a paranoid reaction. We see that some of her actions in the last few months are from the medication. I've also learned it is not to be given to anyone under the age of 18.
Today at the meeting, she was calm, agreeable and willing to work with us instead of against us. Given that this is NOT the first time we have gone this route with her in the last few months, I don't forsee any changes until we get her off the Remeron and into treatment.
It's not easy to see everything we have done and continue to do for our family. To call it dysfunctional is, IMO, a bit insulting. Again, mental illness does not equal a dyfunctional family. It means ill family members who need the proper help. We are doing all we can to get that.