i guess i have it

[laralou]

So should I call my doc and get drugs if I am really not being a good mom? What is safe to take while bfing? And will it really work? Because I need something to help me stop being an awful mom.

[Cakes]

Laralou,
I don't have any advise just lots of support and understanding. Please talk to your Dr and do whatever will make you "feel" like a better Mom. I'm sure, for your children, you at your worst is still preferable then not having you at all. I can empathize with your child combo as I have the same and have been there. It does get easier in certain ways once the twins reach 6 mos.
Please try and get some help, reach out to anyone who offers to hold a baby or take your older one for a play date. Rest, Rest rest any cahnce you get. I know all this is easier said then done but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Twins really do play much better togetther as they get older, leaving you some time for other things.
Julianne

[Elphaba]

most SSRIs are safe for nursing moms, it's the older stuff, MAOIs that aren't.
SSRIs include zoloft, prozac, paxil, celexa, etc.
i take paxil. i didn't want to, i resisted for a long time, but i had done a LOT of work in therapy and i just wasn't feeling better at all so i gave in and tried it. within 2 days i felt markedly better, like the black cloud of doom had finally been lifted.
hugs to you lara.

[OnTheFence]

Go tot he doc see what they can do for you, if meds are something you want to do then by all means try it, they worked for me and I would do it again. I took welbutrin but they say you are not supposed to use it during breastfeeding. I did. It didnt hurt my baby in anyway. One thing they were looking for was poor weight gain, etc. I have a friend on Zoloft and is breastfeeding. I think it will be up to you to make the final decision on what you feel comfortable taking if you are still nursing. Take the steps to feel like a normal person again. And you are a good mom, you realize you need some help and are reaching out to find it!

[mama2girls]

Yep, yep. I keep saying the same thing , I took Paxil through one pg and two bf experiences and am now switching to Zoloft while bf. It's been fine for the girls and wonderful for me! Please get help so you can be the mom you want to be.

[Jish]

I have friends who have been pregnant and breastfed on all the major SSRI's. The only exception being the one I'm on -- Lexapro -- because it's so new. I also know someone who nurses on Welbutrin, and correct me if I'm wrong, AM Mom, but wasn't that one of the meds in the Breastfeeding and Antidepressants study at the U of I?

Good luck, Lara. If you need to blow off some steam, or cry on a shoulder, PM me.

[LizD]

Call your local La Leche League for drug contraindications and alternatives. In my experience they often have the most up to date information, and of course they are genuinely interested in helping you continue to breastfeed.

[joesmom]

hi, lara. i have a friend who is a lll leader; if you want me to check on certain drugs' compatability w/ breastfeeding, i would be more than happy to do so.

i looked at your album; the girls are beeyootiful!! taylor looks like a very proud big brother!

hugs to you; hope you are feeling better soon!

love, jenny

[laralou]

I can't even post my score on the scale because I am ashamed. Way over 70.

So what will drugs do for me? I don't feel depressed (though I obviously am from the results). I just feel like I can't take another second in this house with the babies. I am yelling at Taylor all the time (working on this) because he is the only other person here with me and the babies. I just feel so much anger and resentment about having two babies. I didn't want two. I wanted one. It is so hard to take care of two babies, much less ap them. I am doing such a crappy job. I feel like one is always crying because I can never do everything they need all the time. I really do love them and I wouldn't give them back, but I am really burnt out right now.

I feel like I have to show everyone how well I am doing so I can "set a good example". Like, if I can bf and ap twins, then anyone should be able to do it. So if I admit I can't, then I am setting a horrible example, kwim?

I guess I wonder what an antidepressant is going to do to make the night time colic more tolerable. I feel like I just need something for my nerves.

What kind of a doc should I go to? My ob?

I am afraid to tell my husband how bad it is because he already wants to quit his job (he travels all the time) and I am scared that if he quits he won't find a job that pays enough for me to stay home.

Anyway, thanks for the support.

[Elphaba]

your OB can definitely get you a prescription, but you might also want to see a therapist, just so you can have someone to tell all your dark stuff too without being judged.
the anger and resentment you feel are manifestations of your depression. people think being depressed means you are sad all the time, but that's not always the case.
hang in there lara.

[Jish]

Lara, I didn't feel "depressed" either. I think that is why it took me so long to be diagnosed. If I were you, I would go to a Psychiatrist who has experience with breastfeeding moms. My pdoc is wonderful and is up to date on how they interact with pregnancy and bfing. He is also able to sort of "read" how the meds are working for me.

If you go on meds, you will likely be amazed at how much of a difference they will make. If you are like me, you have no idea now just how different you are from the person you used to be. It all builds slowly until the real you gets hidden under all the layers of crap that depression lays on you. Depression doesn't mean you feel "depressed." It means that you have a chemical imbalance that causes a host of physical and psychological symptoms. The meds balance out the imbalance and make an amazing difference. It is so nice to feel "normal" again and to deal with things as myself. I know that Ekblad7 mentioned similar symptoms as you. Perhaps she would be able to help you.

[mama2girls]

Lara, I actually go to the same pdoc as Beth and I think he's done a much better job than my family dr (whom I love dearly for all other problems). It's nice to talk to someone who specializes in chemical imbalances in the brain (aka depression) and knows the scoop on all of the meds. I have also talked to a therapist a few times (she's a LISW) and I like that, but mostly because I have a lot on my "plate" lately and it helps to dump on someone that I don't "need" to like. (Instead of friends or family). She does have a good way of making me realize what I'm hiding from myself and any underlying resentments I may have.

HTH!

[ekblad9]

I didn't feel "depressed" either. Just, I don't know, not right. I scored 75 on that test. Please go to the dr. and if you're open to drugs, take some! I was so irritable with everyone and now I haven't yelled at my kids (or dh) since I went on the drugs. It made that huge of a difference in such a short time. I'm actually enjoying my kids now. My dr. was so great about it. I'm sure yours would be too. There's so much pressure and stress. Don't be afraid to get help. I was afraid for way too long. Please PM me if you have any questions/need anything. Take care! Hugs to you.

[OnTheFence]

There were times I didnt feel depressed. I did feel anxiety, yelled all the time just becaues. I felt like I had the worst case of PMS possible. Some times I would get sick of anything touching my body. Even when my baby was asleep I would think I would hear crying. I was one messed up mother.
Welbutrin did wonders for me. I am convinced it help ward off PPD with baby no. 3. I felt in control while on it. I enjoyed my baby and did not feel high levels of anxiety. I was better with my husband and children. It seemed to level off my moods and I felt as if I could feel my emotions more evenly, if that makes sense. I slept better.
I will be sending positive thoughts your way. There is nothing wrong with getting help or taking medication for something so serious.

[mama2girls]

You know, I think the most confusing part is the lack of "depressive" feelings! If I had known that ppd could manifest itself as it did for me (and a lot of the rest of you) then I probably would have gotten diagnosed quicker.

OT: I am completely off Paxil and upping my Zoloft and I think I made it through the day without yelling at anyone. Thank God, I have been waiting for that!:

[chellemarie]

there are meds you can take while nursing. please do see a doctor. There's no reason to feel rotten all the time. Or even most of the time. The meds can do wonders...for me it was like a thick curtain was lifted and I could see clearly again.

Best of luck to you.

Oh...And I think the only person expecting you to be perfect is you, honey. Do what's right for YOU and your family, not what you think you're supposed to do no matter what the circumstance. Please go easy on yourself and if you need to talk to someone who's far from perfect and won't make you feel judged, pm me.

Edit: I in no way meant anyone here thinks they're perfect or would make laralou feel judged. Eek. Thought I better clarify that just in case.

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by chellemarie
Edit: I in no way meant anyone here thinks they're perfect or would make laralou feel judged. Eek. Thought I better clarify that just in case.

:LOL That's half my problem! I want to be the perfect wife, mother, have perfect children, perfect house and I have no clue what excatly PERFECT is!!!

[ekblad9]

I'm with you all. I set such high standards for myself and then get frustrated and down when I fail. I think I've decided that for me, it's impossible to practice AP, homeschool and have a perfectly clean house and homemade meals every single day. I have found since being on my prozac that I have relaxed my standards of the unimportant things and am FINALLY enjoying my kids!

[mama2girls]

Originally posted by ekblad7
I have relaxed my standards of the unimportant things and am FINALLY enjoying my kids!

YEAH ECKBLAD7!
ag

Life is so wonderful

[laralou]

I just want to say that all of your sweet words helped. I am feeling better though I still haven't gotten any meds. I keep forgetting to call until they are closed. I have gotten a lot more sleep. I have stayed off the computer so I could go to bed when they do and that makes tons of difference. I am also cooking dinner at their first mutual nap each day no matter how early. Tay can reheat for us so I don't have to put a baby down.

I do think that there is a drawback to these boards sometimes. While I find so much support, I also read tons of threads that make me feel like crap (you know which ones I mean, the ones that "would never use a _________" like swing, pumpkin seat, pacifier, etc and equate them with child abuse or neglect). I wind up walking around all day with some other woman's unrealistic expectations reverberating in my head. I am trying to accept that I can't parent twins the way I would a single baby, and that doesn't make me a bad mom.

Since I told my husband that I am thinking about taking drugs, he is calling really often. I think he is freaked. The only person he has ever heard of with ppd was Andrea Yates. Sigh...