Feeling sorry for myself

[Mamatoto2]

I have to preface this by saying that I feel guilty posting a pity party when so many mamas in this DDC are struggling with issues of loss, health problems, etc. with their babes. Please know that my prayers are with all of you and that I hold you in my heart. Nevertheless, I'm having a tough time and I could use some support and good thoughts....

So, I had a really rough time when DD#1 was born. I did everything "right" from a natural birthing, trust your body, don't view birth as a medical "problem" kind of perspective, but I still struggled with a "low lying placenta" diagnosis which caused me 3 months of worry before it "resolved", significant edema throughout the third trimester, had partial bedrest, and growing concerns about hypertension that caused quite a bit of stress in the end. Through it all, I attended my Bradley birth classes, worked with my midwives (changing practices at 28 weeks because the first midwife group seemed to "medical), and planned my water birth. DD was born in water, a full 45 minutes after we got to the hospital. DH drove me there in Chicago rush hour in transition the whole way (it was about an hour drive). I hemorrhaged right after DD was born. I received less than great medical treatment in my opinion and hemorrhaged again 2 days later. All told, we were in the hosital (in the world's tiniest room, with the isolette and all of my machines needed to monitor my vitals, support my IVs, etc) for almost 6 days-almost every minute of which was a nightmare. I ended up having 3 separate blood transfusions and surgery all in all and I came shockingly close to dying, with the lowest crit anyone I've spoken with has ever seen in somebody who DIDN'T die. It was a really traumatic and emotionally painful experience. I love my daughter and am thankful for her every day, but I know this event left a scar on all of us. I have tried really hard to seek out resources for recovering from traumatic birth, but have not found much (and trust me I was all over this board for years trying to address it, and my letter to Mothering requesting an article about the traumatic birth recovery/resources was published over a year ago, but I've yet to see the article). I've read books, journaled, obtained copies of my medical records, talked with people who were at the birth, etc.

I am now 37 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy has been a breeze-free of health problems, and I have not had a single complaint, but (as I've mentioned here before) baby is transverse breech. At first I tried not to worry, telling myself that these issues get resolved. I moved immediately to action-scheduling 3x/week chiropractic adjustments (Webster method), doing my inversion exercises, trying homeopathy, and most recently accupuncture (we have also added an inversion table to the nursery-really perks the room up I think).

Each time I go to the MW, the news is the same....still breech. They are now strongly encouraging me to have a manual version ASAP (since I'm "full term" as of today). The problems are that I so want a natural healthy happy birth experience and I am fearful that a version will result in complications that will result in an emergency c-sect. Additionally, I am trying desperately to finish graduate school. I know it may sound selfish, but I've been in grad school for the last 9 years between my MA and PhD, and I want to be done. I tried to schedule my dissertation defense earlier, but due to faculty scheduling conflicts, it isn't until May 5th (8 days away-12 days before my EDD). If I try the version before then and that results in me having the baby early, I have to postpone finishing grad school for another 6 months at least (due to deadlines and other red tape type BS), and that would be a major blow. I am DONE. My document is written, my presentation is polished. I am ready to jump through this last hoop, I just need to wait until 6 people can be in the same room at the same time to listen to me. If I wait until after my defense to do the version, the earliest that an OB can do it is May 8th (9 days pre-EDD) and two of the three OBs won't even agree to attempt the version that late. Only one will (and I do not know why that is as far as the risks associated with doing it that late, so until the MW calls me back with that info, I can't agree to the "late" version attempt). I am so stressed out and I am so bitter that I feel like I have been all earthy natural in my approach to pregnancy/birth and keep getting robbed of a positive birth experience. I want to have those happy photos of smiling families with new baby. With DD, I coldn't even raise my head for 5 days, and looking at the photos/videos just makes me cry for my feelings of loss and guilt related to the whole thing. I'm just scared that the outcome of this will be equally poor (or worse).

I am aware that my unresolved feelings related to DD's birth, our unresolved dilemma about to circ or not if a boy (we're Jewish, and I'm morally conflicted in a BIG way), and my tremendous stress levels may all be contributing to baby not turning, but I'm not sure what I can do to move past that...I could really use hugs, prayers, or whatever you have to offer to help this baby turn, be healthy, and enter into the world safely in a manner that does not risk his, her, or my life. If you could add a little request that it also hold off until the afternoon of May 5th, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks for listening.

[newmainer]

wow... that is a lot to cope and deal with.

Have you looked at Birthing From Within stuff? Pam England does a *lot* around healing from traumatic births...she runs some workshops and more experienced mentors do as well. I'm not sure where you are, but you might look into that, contact them (www.birthingfromwithin.com) and see what options are available for you. Another option is to see if there is a BFW mentor in your area (preferably certified and experienced) who may be able to meet with you for some one on one birth art/coping sessions specifically to prepare for your upcoming birth. The whole gist of BFW is to learn to birth in awareness and not be outcome focused, to develop coping skills that allow you to do the best thing in your birth to ensure a healthy mom and baby. Oftentimes this looks very different from our "dream" or "fantasy" birth, and while we may not like outcome or what we needed to go through to get there, surrendering and being at the birth with love and awareness allows us to birth more mindfully than resisting and struggling with our process. (and i dont' mean to imply that you aren't being mindful now...)

Does that make sense?

I wish you the best of luck... I hope you find the support and guidance you need!

[Xiaguan]

s your way! I can only imagine the stress you are under~ I am sending you healthy turn baby turn vibes! & Best of Luck on your Defense! What is your PhD about? We had a great friend who got his in ceramics I still think it is funny( It was in reference to the tiles on the space shuttle engineering)

Just know you are being thought of & we are pulling for you!

Warmly,
Melisssa

[NYCVeg]

Oh, mama...that sounds like an awful lot to deal with right at the end of your pregnancy.

I am also a PhD student (though not even close to done, ahem), so I can really sympathize with the desire to be finished and MOVE ON already. I'm only in my sixth year, about halfway through, and I feel that way already. Once the dissertation is complete...I can't imagine how much you want to graduate. Is there any way your committee can be more accomodating?--I know how desperately hard it is to get a bunch of professors in the same room at the same time, but this really does seem like an exceptional circumstance.

I also want to say the following, although I'm not sure if it will make you feel better or worse (I'm truly hoping for better). One of the other students in my Bradley class had a transverse breech baby and they could not get him to turn (tried everything, including a version). I'm not saying this will be the case with you (another breech baby in my class did turn!), but they managed to really find peace with the c/s. Their perspective: you can try everything, but ultimately you can't make a baby turn if s/he doesn't want to. These are the kinds of cases in which the c/s technology is a blessing. Without the possibility of a c/s, their baby (and possibly mom) would have died. They feel grateful that they were able to bring their baby into the world. In their words: "Some babies are just meant to be born by c/s." That's not to say that they didn't mourn the loss of the natural birth that they hoped for, of course; but, they ultimately felt that they DID have a "happy healthy" birth experience, because the c/s was the only way to ensure a healthy mom and healthy baby and they had a little time to prepare for the psychological shift. Keep in mind that, in your case, IF you do end up needing the c/s, it will not be a surprise, like the complications from your last birth. In fact, recovery from the c/s will likely be far, far easier than what you went through the first time. I'm certainly no great advocate of c/s in general, but the fact is that most women who have them do have manageable--at times even easy--recoveries. My sister had two, and in both cases her babe was in her arms immediately, she was able to bf right away, and she was able to take care of her little ones. Yes, she was in the hospital for longer than she would have been with a vaginal birth (or a homebirth, of course), but she was not in the state that you've described with your first birth. Most c/s do not end up in the kind of trauma that you've described.

I will send spinning baby thoughts your way--I truly hope your little one decides to turn. But if s/he doesn't, please don't feel like you've "failed" in some way. You are doing everything in your power to ensure that your baby has a healthy start in life--and in the case of a transverse baby who WON'T turn, one of the things you can do for him/her is to take advantage of the technology that exists to ensure that s/he comes out safe and sound.

[alexisyael]

MamaT

I want to second the birthing from within suggestion -- I think Pam England does phone consulatations, too, which might be helpful for you (another birth warrior who does phone consultations is Laura Shanley -- author of Unassisted Childbirth. I don't know if she's willing to consult with people who are not planning to UC, but she does do a lot of work in the birth field, in terms of freeing ourselves from fear).

I wonder if Ina May does phone consults... that might be worth looking into.

Another thing I would HIGHLY recommend to help with your stress levels (and with relaxing your abdominal muscles, which are probably tense with all this stress and anxiety) is to get a pregnancy massage, if you can. You might even want to think about combining that with a trip to a mikveh, if you're so inclined (a mikveh trip in the 9th month is a really nice Jewish ritual... I'd go myself, but our small town doesn't have a mikveh )

In terms of the PhD -- wow, congrats on finishing the document and polishing your presentation! I can understand wanting to get it done *right now* -- you've worked so hard for so long! But... maybe also acknowledging to yourself that since your work is (mostly) done, if the baby comes "early" it will be OK. You can wait another six months to do the defense. You've done the work. You WILL get your PhD!

Personally, I have found that massaging the baby myself to get him to turn from posterior to anterior works really well... that might be something you want to try before scheduling the version. (First relax your abdominals, massaging them, then massage the baby through your uterus, gently directing her/ him to where you want her/him to go. Visualize the position s/he's in now, and then change that to a head down, anterior position.) DON'T force anything (you're not trying to do a version, you're just massaging...)

Another thing to do is to have your partner talk in very low tones directly at your pelvis (lower abdominals -- under the belly). This should tickle a little... have him put his lips right up against your belly and speak or sing. You could combine this with the warm/ cold trick (placing a cold pack at the top of your uterus, and a warm pack at the bottom).

Sending you calming prayers. May the One guide your baby to the proper place for an easy and safe birth!

[SugarAndSun]

Ten fingers, ten toes!

One of my midwives said this to me and it helped me deal with my ds's birth being a c-section better than anything else.

I am hoping for a natural birth this time and am paying almost a thousand dollars for a doula (I live in a really expensive area), but am still keeping the "ten fingers, ten toes" as my motto.

Remember, your main goal is a healthy babe.

As for your PhD, I would honestly defend my dissertation as planned. But, that is really only for you to decide.

Congrats on your soon to be new babe and your soon to be PhD!

Just think, by June you will be doubly blessed!

[Peppamint]

Just wanted to send , no advice as my brain is just not functioning anywhere near optimal levels but I've had an awful stressful week and I totally understand how it robs you of the joy that we should feel anticipating our baby's births.

[luckylady]

Oh how stressful. I agree with "10 fingers 10 toes" but I would also feel very stressed out about the possibility of a CS.

I highly advise setting aside 10 minutes a day to meditate - relax, visualize your baby turning and visualize the birth you want - the tension is definitely not helping.

and congrats on the your education!!! At any rate i am sending relaxing, baby turning vibes!

[Marylizah]

No real advice, just to you. I think the Pam England BFW idea is really great for dealing with fear related to birthing, and to help women accept outcomes that seem less than ideal. I for one am taking the book with me to the birth clinic and may have DH read me passages from it if I need to hear them.

And about your PhD, as someone else said-- if the worst case scenario is that you get it in six months instead of now, it really isn't the end of the world, although I can fully appreciate how frustrating that would be!

Good luck to you, you have a lot on your plate!

[nurnur]

Sound like the noise within your mind is deafening, your baby may be putting his/her head nearest to your heart for the comfort. One of the most important things I think we can do is to quiet ourselves, get somewhere quiet, dark, still, and talk to our babies, they are closer inutero than they will ever be, they are feeling and experiencing everything we are. Finding someone to help you journey thru your fear/anxiety/tension is imperitive. I vote for calling Pam England too! I had my own traumatic births to work thru (2 csec with infection and low crit, ect, ect, ect ) before finding my way w/prg. #3 ~ a home birth vba2c ~ the only person who could do the work was ME to get to the place of surrender, but w/o the help of the wonderful books and info out there I would not have made it.

~ Carrie ~ wife to Greg, mama to 4 :

[Mamatoto2]

Thank you all for your support, questions, suggestions, etc. I have pulled out my copy of birthing from within and will start re-reading it tonight. I also emailed them a few days ago, as well as a "mentor" in my area who was listed on their site (we're currently playing phone tag). I just called Pam directly and left her a voicemail as well.

I followed-up with my MW and she said that the reason 2 of the OBs won't even attempt a version at 38 weeks or later is that they believe it has no chance for success at that point, and since there are risks to the procedure, the potential benefits (none) do not outweight the risks (some). There is the one Dr. who will do it though (not sure what that says about him or about the other 2 docs...maybe #3 is just an optimist). When I asked my MW, she said she would do it if she was in my shoes because although she doesn't personally think it will work, she also doesn't think it will cause harm, so why not? (didn't exactly instill me with confidence).

So, I guess I'll go in for the U/S on Thursday to determine that there is nothing wrong internally that is preventing the little one from turning, then I'll go Friday morning to my defense with DH in tow in case of emergency. I also told my advisor about my situation so that if I go into labor he knows to call 911 right away (since DH can't be in the room with me for the defense). Additionally, I figured it's appropriate for him to have some idea of my life situation and maybe he'll even tell the committee to not bust my chops at the defense just for sport (which apparently is a distinct possibility). Then I have to decide if I want to attempt the version on Monday or if it seems too risky for the baby and I should just resign at that point and schedule a c-sect. in hopes that it will guarantee the safest outcome for me and baby (I'm open to opinions if you have one).

In the meantime, I'm still inverting, accupuncturing, and Webstering (trying it with a THIRD chiro tomorrow to see if he has any better luck than the first 2 have so far). The accupuncturist is giving me a moxa stick on Monday so that I can start "moxa-ing" myself 6x/day at home. I've also been trying to talk to the baby to reassure him/her that Mommy is ok, and give him/her permission/encouragement to head south provided that it is safe to do so. Tonight DH has decided to play the Beach Boys Pet Sounds album in its entirety between my legs because he believes it to be the most powerful music ever and baby will want to turn to hear it. I'm sure I'll have a bag of frozen corn on my abdomen and a rice sock on my pelvis at the same time too.

I'm trying to at least take comfort in knowing that I am doing everything that I can and that if things end up looking really different from what I had hoped, I won't be left feeling like I shoulda woulda coulda done something more (but I'm sure I'll still feel like it's unfair that I can't seem to have a "normal" birth experience no matter what I do).

As an aside for those who asked, I'm completing 2 PhD programs, one in clinical (child) pcychology and the second in school psychology. I have to say that a PhD in ceramics sounds like a lot more fun though.

Just to add to the frey, my uncle passed away yesterday following a 4-year battle with lukemia, and this morning I discovered DD in her room entirely surrounded by shards of broken glass....she had unscrewed 2 light bulbs from her lamp and tried to "make music" by banging them together. Thankfully, she only has a few scratches on her hands.....

Thanks again for everything, and I'll keep y'all posted....

[Peppamint]

Gosh, you sound like me earlier this week... everything you think it's got to be as bad as it can get, you find something like your child sitting in a pile of glass.

and keep us posted!

[Smithie]

"So, I guess I'll go in for the U/S on Thursday to determine that there is nothing wrong internally that is preventing the little one from turning, then I'll go Friday morning to my defense with DH in tow in case of emergency. I also told my advisor about my situation so that if I go into labor he knows to call 911 right away (since DH can't be in the room with me for the defense). Additionally, I figured it's appropriate for him to have some idea of my life situation and maybe he'll even tell the committee to not bust my chops at the defense just for sport (which apparently is a distinct possibility). Then I have to decide if I want to attempt the version on Monday or if it seems too risky for the baby and I should just resign at that point and schedule a c-sect. in hopes that it will guarantee the safest outcome for me and baby (I'm open to opinions if you have one)."


It seriously sucks that your committee could not get its collective act together to hear your defense ASAP. In my humble opinion, you NEED to get that done so you can focus on your birth and your child and not be driven crazy by unfinished business.

I am personally acquainted with women whose breech babes have not turned until labor started. While a version might not work after 38 weeks, your body can turn that baby anytime! Is there any possibility that you can schedule your c-section, make peace with that possibility, and then try to give your baby a little encouragement to start out on his/her own before the big day? One of my DDC friends from my last pg delivered her breech baby right in the ER as they were wheeling her in! She had a section scheduled and everything, but her ds knew how he wanted to come out!