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I don't like my 14 yr old... (warning long)

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 
I Love him but I really & truly dislike the person he is most of the time. But it really is my fault that this has come to pass.

When I was preggers w/ Ds #2 I was alone again. I had split up with Ds#1's father & jumped into another relationship, gotten engaged, got pregnant & then we split up too. I was lucky to get a subsidized apartment before he kicked me out. A month later I was put on bed rest because Ds#2 was measuring small for his gestational age. Ds#1 would have been about 19 mos old. Mom & dad were having fun with their grandson & offered to watch him so I could stay in bed per Dr. orders. He had fun over there & they were also in a much better financial situation than I was so I agreed. Over the years he spent more & more time over there. (They occasionally watched Ds#2 but never really became attached to him) When Ds#1 got ready to start kindergarden I agreed that he should start school where they lived because I was still going from rental to rental. They were still in the house I grew up in. He started staying all week there & spending the weekends at my house. That was also the year I met my currant Dh. He later started coming over on Sat only when they got reinvolved in Church. Then he got in sports & I barely saw him.

I thought I was doing what was best for him. I was wrong. I saw flaws but never realized how deeply they went. Last year Dad called & said after the school year was over he was moving back up with me. I said okay (he was always welcome) The next morning Dad called & said he was bringing him to me that day, apparently Ds had gone after my mother as if to hit her & dad said he could no longer handle him. We spent that day moving everything out of the computer room to turn it into Ds#1's bedroom. (We were getting ready to turn it into Dd's (who was then 18 mos) bedroom because I was 7 mos preggers with Ds#3). Mom stood & cried & begged him to apologize to Dad & beg to move back home, so she was against him moving home from day 1. We in essence went from a 1 child home to a 4 child home in under 2 years.

I knew there would be an adjustment period. I gave Ds#1 the benefit of the doubt as far as his behavior was concerned but I was also prepared for the worst. I outlined for him that things were quite a bit different at our house than what he was used to. We are not as consumeristic as my parents. (they had already bought him a car at 13 years old! ) Mom was very permissive (even allowing him to drive on streets & interstates ) I don't lie to my Dh like mom does regulary to my father (over the most stupid things) & etc...

He seemed to be adjusting fairly well at first. Then he started showing his true colors. He picks on his brother pretty badly (although they are only 22 mos apart Ds#1 is 2-3X Ds#2's size), teases his sister mercilessly, uses TOTALLY unacceptable language (ie pu$$y ), We have caught him smoking & outright defies our authority on a regular basis. I have stood my ground. Things got so bad one night that I actually dropped him off at Juvenile Hall to spend the night (that was after he called me a stupid b!t@h when I tried to correct his behavior) We are going to counselling, both family & individual for him but I don't really see it helping he has just become sneakier in what he does. Mom has also started coming up on Monday nights & taking him out & about & I caught them both in a lie this last Monday/Tuesday.

I am over it!!! This is causing problems now for Dh & I (the most serious problem we ever had before this was when I dragged home a stray kitten & he made the mistake of telling me I wasn't going to keep it. I have enrolled Ds#1 in a military program called the Young Marines hoping it will help straighten him out. It isn't a military school, it's like a cross between Boy Scouts & ROTC. At this point though if I could afford it I would consider sending him to military school. He is totally self absorbed, materialistic, egocentric, obnoxious, rude, deceitful & manipulative. I need help! I don't know what to do from here. I'm afraid that if things continue I won't have any choice but to turn him over to state custody. I love him & don't want to do this but I have 3 other children to take care of too.
post #2 of 11
What a hard situation for all of you. I feel for what you're going through and I also feel for your son..he must feel very mixed up with so many changes in his life.
I have no real advice...just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and your family and hoping things turn out for the best.
post #3 of 11
Thread Starter 
Thanks Peggy.

I am just at a loss as to what to do. My Ds#2 has actually had bruises from Ds#1, I've had to pull him off of his brother more than once. Dd is prob permanantly scared of Halloween since her eldest brother cornered her in a dark bathroom wearing a scary Halloween mask. The only one who is spared is Ds#3 (for now). I Love Ds#1 as much as the rest. My children are my life. But how much is enough? At what point is keeping him in the home actually abusive to the others? And then what do I do?
post #4 of 11


what a tough situation!!!

I am sorry I don't have any wise advice.. just wanted to say I am thinking about you and your family and hope things work out.

so the counselling is not helping at all??

do you think he is just trying to be a rebel? or just trying to get attention?

sorry you're going through this
post #5 of 11
Thread Starter 
I don't know if he's trying to rebel & I try to give him attention. I don't think the counseling is working because he lies to the counselors & agrees with what they say & is for all appearances a model child while with them, then he gets home & tries to do what he wants, challenges authority, tries to sneak around & terrorizes 2 of his three siblings.

I know that some of this comes from normal teenage stuff. I also think that some of the normal teen stuff has been exasperated by what he learned from my parents.
post #6 of 11
ug Raihana!

I kind of have a similiar situation.

I had my first son when I was 18. When I was 20 I joined the Army and signed phyiscal custody over to my paretns for the duration f basic training. When I returned my son and stepmother were so bonded, and I didn't want to tear him away from really the only stability he had known. I was in no position to raise a child. I didn't know what I was going to do with my own life(early Physical Discharge from Army). My parents could financially take care of mym son and offer him all the things I could not. I too thought I was doing the right thing.

My son is now 14 and oh how I dislike him. He has been so spoiled by my parents, especially my stepmom. I think she secretly is trrying to WIN his love by indulging him. She even fears I will one day show up and take him(it became a legal adoption after I returned home). So now my son is grossly obese, whines and gets near violent when he doesn't get his way, and focuses way to much on material possession(always commenting on what great new game, computer, program he has) It is sickening! I want to just yank him out of there and feed him a huge dose of reality. He backtalks my stepmom and dad, and trties to get sassy with me. WHen he does I either hang up, or if we are online put him on ignore.

So, I understand your frustration(aside from him moving in with me). I really think my son is destined for a life of being a bully to boys AND girls- just like my good ol dad :
post #7 of 11

((HUGSS)))

Back when we were having trouble with my ds
we looked into Young Marines he was too young for what they took at the time
I have heard good things about it and I wish you well with all of it !
post #8 of 11
My stepmother and dad are raising my stepmother's oldest grandchild--he just turned 18. They've raised him since he was 2, when my stepsister almost gave him up for adoption and they stepped in.

C. is out of control. At 9 he called bomb threats into his christian private school. At 11 he was hospitalized in am mental ward for children for some time. His mother went on to have two other children who *do* live with her, and I think it literally eats away at him. He's VERY aggressive with his sisters, and cannot handled children younger than him--taunts, teases inappropriately (like the Halloween mask issue described above).

He too is spoiled beyond belief. My dad is ex-military and when *I* was being raised by him we never got away with *anything*. C. gets whatever he wants materially (his own car at 16, his own FLOOR of their house, t.v., video games,c omputer, etc.) and he barely graduated h.s. but they're paying his college--something my dad didn't do for me although I was a 3.8 student and had to give up going to a top liberal arts college because of $.

Anyhow--point being they spoil him. But when I see him interacting with his mother, I can almost TASTE the want and hurt from him. He WANTS her to take him, but he hates her for leaving him. He acts out so someone will pay attention to him--because, if you think about it, no matter what the intentions, even if it's out of love and concern, giving your child to someone else to raise is an act of abandonment. All the destructive behaviors I see in C. are just screams for acknowledgment that he's worth having around.

The sad part, too, is that often the new "mom" figure spoils the kid beyond belief (C. is not the only kid I know in this situation) while the father figure is figuratively neutered by the mother figure, depriving the kid of any real structure or discipline. C. could have really used the boundaries my father placed on us as kids, but my stepmom wouldn't let that happen--and I think it's created some of the mess.

Good luck as you deal with this. I admire the fact that you're facing this head-on and willing to welcome him back in your life and family.
post #9 of 11
gurumama described this well. Raihana, I don't have much experience in this, only from observing my aunt and uncle's situation with their kids.

How old is your son?

Grandparents spoil them out of guilty feelings. They did a lousy job the first time so they try to make up for it the second time. That and mothers/grandmothers sometimes let their nurturing instinct take over their heads.

Your son is hurting bad. He deserves all the compassion and help you can muster. He requires serious counceling and you are responsible to get it for him. Though if your parents are better off perhaps they could pay for it. They deserve a big thank-you for taking care for him when you weren't ready, but you aren't entirely responsible for making him the way he is now, they're partly to blame. That and he's old enough to know right from wrong and that he needs to take responsibility for his actions. And a good portion of it could be genes. He needs to be screened for organic mood disorders, and drug abuse.

Lastly, if he's being physically and verbally abusive/agressive with your younger kids you need to protect them. That behavior is unacceptable and he knows it.

Please let us know how things are going. You're in my prayers today!

Aha! He's 14 y.o! Says so right there in the subject line...
post #10 of 11
How long have you all been in counseling? It can take quite a while to help make changes. first they have you process past experiences, then you start to rebuild better ways of dealing with life. It's not a quick fix. It's hard work.

It may help if you went to counseling on your own to deal with your difficult emotions privately.

Me, I've been going for 3 yrs now...every other week or so. At first dh and I went twice a week, once for couples, once individual. the last year or so, I have only been going twice a month. Dh quit after 1 1/2 yrs, as he didn't think it was working. Ha! I partly go to get advice about how to get my shrink to help me help him. He is finally starting to seem less depressed. He had a bad childhood.

I know this is a slightly different situation. Good luck.
post #11 of 11
It feels good to see others feel the same way. I have always been very close with my 14 year old but the last few years it seems to get worse each year. I really feel like I cannot stand to be around him. Today I went out of my way to do something nice for him and the minute he got in the car he started bitching at me about how I did this and that wrong and of course he always adds to everything that I or someone else ALWAYS does this or that. Everything is a drama and he has to have the lasy word on everything. One minute he is so sweet and thoughful and so very helpful and the next hell breaks lose. Everyone else I speak with that have the same age children are goign through the same thing. It is no excuse though. I try to be truthful with him and let him know how is words and actions make me feel and others and how it will effect future relationships with people. Any answers?
Angie:
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