WOHM/Rejected at the playground

[asherah]

I am off Monday and Tuesdays.. and thought I would start bringing DS to the neighborhood playground.

He is too young to play, but he loves to watch the older kids.. and lots of the moms there also have younger babes, so I thought it'd be a good way to meet people.

Well none of them would talk to me once I said I worked.

I kept smiling and trying to engage them in conversations about the kids, the local school etc...

But they are all SAHMS and they all know each-other and have this clique and as soon as I said I worked they just clammed up.
They are also obviously much more upscale then I am.. much nicer clothes and cars.. so maybe it was that too.

I was just so bummed out I don't know if I will go back, even though DS liked it and a lot of the toddlers came up to him and were sweet to him..


I just kindof wanted to vent, since it made me feel very bad.. sort of like getting rejected by the popular clique in high school!

[Starling]

Hi Asherah,

HA! I know what you mean! I've had the same experience (but at the children's museum instead of the playground.)

It's a terrible feeling. Sent me right back to junior high, emotionally.

But then I remembered how much I've grown since junior high, and how satisfied I am with my beautiful DS and my part-time work, and I began to understand that if the yuppie moms feel the need to act snotty, that really says more about them than about me.

As DS got older (to toddlerhood) he began to interact with the yuppie moms' kids on his own. The yuppie moms weren't overjoyed, but they didn't stop it either. DS enjoys being with the other kids, and the other kids seem to enjoy him. The children are free (so far) of the cliquishness their moms display.

So, I guess I just want to say, Courage! Chin up! Hang in there! It gets better!

[Chi-Chi Mama]

what a tough day for you!!

I would go one more time to see how it goes. If your ds really enjoyed himself, maybe give it another try.

If the other moms are really that snotty, then hey.. it's their loss.

I can relate on the hardship of finding playgroups, etc. as a WOHM!

[sozobe]

I definitely have the same problem, and I'm a stay-at-home mom. There is a cliquish thing that happens at a moment's provocation at the playground, and the people in my neighborhood tend to be a different "type". There are lots of other options for finding friends -- LLL meetings, playgroups, etc.

[Evergreen]

I know the feeling, only reversed. When ppl find out I am a SAHM they get the impression that I am uninteresting and or uneducated. If your son likes the playground keep going, maybe they'll open up once they've talked to you a couple of times, if not ignore them right back!

[delighted.mama]

Ahserah

*Hugs* to you. I know what you mean. A similar thing happened to me when I enrolled dd and myself in a massage class. Dd was only 4 months at the time and really wanted to do this with her. When I came in late one day and mentioned that I had to go home to get dd and my MIL before coming to class, the teacher remarked "oh you work" and then didn't really interact with either me or dd too much after that. I felt like she was passing judgment on me because I had to go back to work and dd was so young! IT really hurt my feelings.

DD is now 13 months and, so far, I have not encountered that to that degree. But, I also try to enroll her in classes that are in the afternoon, when other WOH parents are there as well. Now that I look back at it, I think that I was also verrrry sensitive to the whole SAH/WOH issue b.c I desperately wanted to with dd more and didn't want to work FT but it was totally not an option at that time.

When I do feel that people are being cliquish, I try to just act myself, not apologize for who and what I am, and try to intermingle in a positive way. Even though dd is too young to understand, I know that this type of stuff may occur when she is old enough to see how I react to it and I want to be a positive role model for her. Don't let anyone get you down like that! No one walks in your shoes !

Libby

[Doodlebugsmom]

That type of treatment is ridiculous! I wouldn't even want to be friends with people like that. I am a SAHM, and I too feel like others think I am lazy/uneducated. I know I'm just paranoid about it though! I like to have diversity in my friendships, and these women you speak of are obviously narrow-minded. Maybe give it one more chance, and if they don't respond to you, it truly is their loss.

[shelbean91]

I can't believe people are like that. That's so sad. I think I would keep going for ds and if you talk to them, fine, if not, that's fine too. When I go out to places like that, I'm usually going for my kids, not for me anyway, so if I find someone to talk to I'm very pleased, but if not- oh, well.

I know it's hard, when I worked with dd, I felt I was being judged for working and being away so much. Now that I'm sahm, I feel like I'm being judged for staying home. I just try to know that I'm doing what is best for my family and screw what anyone else thinks!!

[Lucky Charm]

Ash,I know exactly what you mean, and have felt the same you have.

Its alot like the cliques in school, and i was brought back to that dark ugly place called middle and high school....

It could be the money/class issue. my sil is alot like that. she lives 9 doors away from us, and always complains about working moms, especially "in this neighborhood". well, i told her, "it must be nice to sit and judge other moms for working for what was given to you" (her parents gave them $60,000 to put down on the house because they didnt qualify and the mtg was too high).

let it roll off your back, who needs people like that in your life anyway? life is hard enough without dealing with smallminded women. Try LLL or another play group in the area. i see them in our local paper all the time.

good luck!

[Marlena]

That's awful! Ick - maybe there's another, more congenial park around? The ones around my neighborhood are VERY different. The one near the grocery store (while some of the playground equipment is made with pressure treated wood ) is very friendly, and usually has families from several different cultures at any given time (there are usually at least three different languages being spoken at the playground, and they vary widely from time to time).

The one right near us, on the other hand, sucks (though the playground equipment is great). It's largely full of cliquish, cowlike women who appear to be totally into their Martha Stewart lives (eek!). I suspect that the fact that I work (and have a traditionally "male" profession) probably makes me into a third sex or something, in their minds. I avoid them. Dd will play with their children, if the children are reasonable. Sometimes there's a reasonable parent there, and we'll talk. Otherwise, hey, I'm there so dd can have fun - I've already had my own time at the playground!

[Lucky Charm]

It's largely full of cliquish, cowlike women who appear to be totally into their Martha Stewart lives (eek!).

:LOL :LOL

[brookelynnp]

That is crap how dare these women treat you like that! I am so sorry that people can be so obtuse and single minded! I hope that you can find some sahm who is respectful and not intimidated by the different choices other moms make! We are not all like that! I am just so sick of this kind of attitude high school crap!

[khrisday]

{{{ash}}}
Possibly, these women were not consciuosly giving you the cold shoulder. It may have felt that way to you, though. Sometimes as a SAHM when I meet a working mom I hold back a bit simply because it's likely that we won't even see them again, or be involved on a regular basis with their family. Same thign happens when we meet families who are sending their kids to public school- I just think "Oh, too bad, we will never see them again".
I would go back- when they see you there regularly, they will include you more I bet.

[oatmeal]

Of course you'll go back, don't be silly. If your son has fun isn't that what it's all about?

Not to steal your spotlight, but I'm a single mom and I get ostracized everywhere we go. I took a cab home from the hospital the 3rd day after my C-section because no one wanted to come and pick us up. I spent the first 6 weeks of my post partum totally alone with a newborn baby because no one in my family and none of my friends would come and visit us. I have two mommy friends (they are girls I've known since high school) who are married and they attend a mommy's group that I'm not invited to because I'm single. They talk about all the fun things they do together all the time but I'm never invited. As a matter of act I'm pointedly NOT invited. I attened a pre natal yoga class with a bunch of moms for six months and they started a mommy group and we weren't invited. I spend most of the time alone with my daughter because we are always excluded.

Screw those moms. Go have fun. Let them do what they want. It has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally.

And remember to count your blessings every day.

[ekblad9]

I'm sorry you had that experience. I don't understand why women have to be so unkind to eachother. We were kicked out of our neighborhood playgroup when we decided to homeschool. My kids are no longer invited to birthday parties of kids that they grew up with. It's a very bad feeling. We're moving because of it (and the fact that our house is too small).

I would go back to the park, though. And also try LLL and things like that. Best of luck to you!

[Lucky Charm]

ek,
how sad. all becuase you homeschool? whats up with that?
I'm a mainstreaming rightwinger, and homeschooling is very cool to me, and my other mommy friends dont bat an eye.

oatmeal,
I am embarassed for the moms that have excluded you. really. and to think you took a cab home from the hospital really breaks my heart. I would have driven you home, and cooked you many dinners.

[simonee]

Ho-ly gua-ca-mo-le

Why don't you ladies all move into my street??? We'd have so much fun together, without all that judgmental crapola!!

I just can't see why and how people can treat others like that. Aren't we all mothers? Don't we all try to set a good example for our kids? Don't we all know how it feels to be left out, different? Don't we all know how great it is to receive support as a mama???

These women drive me mad!!! (and I'm going to change my sig right now)

[grisandole]

I used to get that treatment because I was a young single mom, a double whammy! Now I don't even deal with people like that.

Oatmeal, I've been there before, Hugs to you! When I visit CA maybe we can get together

~Kristi

[asherah]

Thanks so much... I feel better. And I will go back because it is a beautiful park in MY neighborhood and DS does love to watch the kids play.. he wants to walk and play so much!

I am just having such a hard time finding my tribe IRL.

[1jooj]

Parks around here are very seasonal...so I am looking forward to getting out again with ds come March or so. We had some similar stuff last year, and I am not sure why it happened. Could have been $$. I live in my heavily mortgaged $90,000 house in a very economically diverse neighborhood--there is subsidized housing, places like ours, and $250,000+ homes all within just three blocks. The park where we play is surrounded by, literally, about 30 mansions--worth a lot. People live in them. They come to the park too.

Most are friendly and interact a lot. Dogs are allowed, and I think they help to warm it up among people.

Last summer, thougg, ds and I were playing on the swing, and there was a group of this time just 3 or 4 moms, and they made it very clear that they all know one another from CHURCH, where they are all active in that CHURCH, and then one got up to go, and they would see her at CHURCH...and, well, one knows by looking, I don't go to church. But I stayed friendly, and asked a few Qs about the kiddos to keep it light, and ds tried to share his drink, and I think we made a friendly impression anyway.

What was the point?

I've had similar things at the library, but there I think it was more because I'm too fat. Not sure, but the fancy ladies were ignoring another fat woman, so it was probably that. Not nice.

So now, I make a point of talking to Moms, and not judging them ahead of time. Remind me of this, come spring.