On respecting children

[LunaMom]

Interesting reaction today...I was discussing a discipline issue with a very "mainstream" friend today, and I mentioned a tactic I had used that I regretted because it was not respectful of my child. Well, my friend looked positively baffled, as though she had never considered the idea of respecting your child.

This isn't a big deal, really, but it got me thinking how many times people look at me oddly for even suggesting that children deserve as much respect as adults do. Or they look at me oddly because I discipline dd (usually!) in a very respectful way.

Of course it is my job to guide my child and set appropriate limits and so on, so I never have said that children are to be treated exactly as we treat adults; after all, I don't discipline my friends or my husband (well, I TRY with my husband ), but I can do those things in a way that respects my child's feelings and body and privacy.

Why is this so hard for people to understand?

[momatheart23]

I understand your frustration, it as if people consider to be inferior beings who must be controlled into submission, not people with feelings. People also brush their emotions off as if they aren't as strong and important. I think it stems from the same place that people think kids are constantly manipulating them. I mean how can you possibly think a newborn just entering the world is crying to "manipulate" you. Before I had kids I worked in a inhome daycare and had a really good boss. She used to always say to give the children a choice. The choice can be that they follow directions, or be removed from the room. yet phrasing it as a question which they get to choose gives them power and importance. I think so few people get the importance of treating children with respect. I mean it is such hypocracy to demand children to respect you while at the same time disrespecting them.

[Pigpen]

This is the same society who's doctors only recently decided that babies do in fact feel pain. The same society who even when I was growing up had the "children should be seen and not heard" attitude. "Children are inherently evil and need to be beaten in order to make them good, productive citizens". At least that's how I was treated. Some people have the attitude that not harshly disciplining your children is shirking your parental responsibilities. I have relatives who believe this and I can tell it kills them to see my happy, imaginative, confident children who can actually look them in the eye and carry on conversations when they assumed they'd be "brats" b/c of the way we discipline.

[brookelynnp]

My husband and I had this very conversation just the other night. I do not remember what started it but I remember us comming to the conclusion that most people in our society have no respect for their children. Oh wait I remember a relative of his wanted to buy us a child leash so we wouldn't have to worry about losing our ds in busy places! I was very angry at this suggestion and let the relative know that we had too much respect for our ds to demean him like a pet. She thought that I was nuts and implied that soon my ds would be running my life with an attitude like mine.
She is from the spank em and leave em generation. YIKES it is a scary world we live in.

[BathrobeGoddess]

I love this statement:

"Many mothers treat their best friend better than they treat their own children...and they don't even know it."

Example: If a child spills their milk, they likley will be yelled at and punished. If a best friend spills their coffe, they will be given emphathy and helped.

scary!

[LunaMom]

That IS a great statement, BathrobeGoddess, and one I plan to "steal" from you and use frequently!

I'm also proud to say that I actually remind myself how I would treat a friend in a similar situation when I get frustrated with dd, and then, of course, adapt it to her level and to the uniquemness of the parent-child relationship, without losing the respect part.

I think it sucks when parents yell at kids for spilling things. I know that was just an example, but it struck a chord with me. My mother always got so angry at me if I spilled or broke something, and when i tried to help clean it up, she'd angrily tell me to go away and that she'd do it herself.

[Heavenly]

"Oh wait I remember a relative of his wanted to buy us a child leash so we wouldn't have to worry about losing our ds in busy places! I was very angry at this suggestion and let the relative know that we had too much respect for our ds to demean him like a pet. She thought that I was nuts and implied that soon my ds would be running my life with an attitude like mine. "

I just want to say in my own defense that I DO use a baby harness. I too was one of the people who said they were disgusting and demeaning but I now have a VERY active 2 year old and a 3 month old. I went out to the Y for the first time with two kids and my 2 year old kept running away. Yes at least for me it is impossible to hold your son's hand whilst taking the snowsuit off the baby (we don't have an infant carrier seat). I was very scared of him getting kidnapped or falling and getting hurt or getting lost. But when he ran out in front of a moving car in the parking lot I said to hell with worrying about what other people think or overanalyzing the baby harness to death, I would rather my son be a little demeaned than dead. JMO.

[Kirsten]

I have to agree with Shawna on the baby leash thing. Before I had kids, I thought they were terrible. Terrible! I also only had to experience firsthand a child pulling out of my grasp near a car zipping by one time to change my mind.

I actually think it is more respectful to the child to give him or her a couple of feet leeway to roam instead of having to hold his hand up over his head for long periods of time (to hold an adult's hand). More freedom and less tired arm.

I do like the ones that go around their torso as opposed to the ones for their wrist. They barely notice it once it is on as they have both hands free (it attaches in the back). We used ours rarely but it was a lifesaver in the situations in which we needed it. And later on, you can reuse the leash part - you attach it to the tiny kid carts at the grocery store when the child is old enough to want to push it but not old enough to keep it out of the applesauce displays. They can still push the little cart but you can walk ahead and kind of lead away from stuff.

For me the leash thing was kind of like kids screaming in the grocery store. Before I had kids, I would wonder what kind of parents they were. And what bratty kids. But now I know that they were hungry parents with no food in the fridge and kids who needed a nap. The parents you see using leashes are not bad parents - they are trying to keep their child safe in one way that works for them. I feel badly for all the looks I must have shot those poor parents...
Kirsten

[Ocean]

I think it is extremely important to teach your kids to be respectful of themselves, which I think begins with treating them with respect. I think this is especially important with girls who are so often sexually abused. I was sexually abused once when I was 14 by a much older man, and I often wonder if I could have had the courage to say no if I had been raised to think I was just as valuable as an adult. Instead, society teaches kids that adults are superior and kids must do whatever adults tell them to do. I always try to treat my dd with respect and hope that when she gets older if she ends up in the same situation I did that she can have enough self-confidence to stand up to adults that treat her improperly.

[Pigpen]

I used to think tethers (leashes) were horrible. I don't anymore. We don't use one but I could think of situations where I would if I had one. We've got a couple of very active, inquisitive boys that leap before they look. I think that comes from attatchment type parenting. As far as the tether, I've never seen a child in one that looks demeaned. I also feel bad about the looks I have given in the past, before I had kids of my own. I understand how, because it looks like a dog leash, it may seem like they're being treated like dogs, I guess in a way they are. Nobody wants their dog or child running loose in certain situations.

[brookelynnp]

I have cared for my 2 1/2 year old son and his cousin pretty much since birth and I still would NEVER even consider a leash for either of them even with number two due anyy day. We are alowed to have different opinions and I am not sorry for my take on the whole issue. To me it isa respect thing and an understanding that I have put out to my child and niece so that they understand why they must stay by my side. It is not always easy, but it works for us. They are both extremely curious and adventurous but they know when it is okay to wander.

[Solange]

Ok, so, what can we do you Mammas to change the western societies veiws then...If there are this many of us here who feel this way, then we have to be able to make some kind of impact somehow to get a wave of compassion growing to "trend" if you will, towards respecting our children.....
I am serious.....why is this so hard for people to understand that our children are people too?

[momea]

Great thread! But I don't think it's just that parents don't respect their children - I think it's that "nobody" respects children.

Honestly - I've seen adults behave toward my 2yo in ways they would get a pop on the nose for if they did it to an adult. Pushing out of the way, grabbing her hand, cutting in line, violating her space, sneering, etc.

But I don't think we really respect each other all that much either, now that I think about it. Maybe it's just that adults can more easily get away with being jerky to kids ...? I think we have a real problem in our culture that stems from treating people as objects. And we definitely treat children as objects and "ideas".

[carmen veranda]

My dd's have always been very comfortable going to a counter to ask for what they need, or simular situations. People will ignore them and wait on the "grown-up" behind them!! They very frequently will have to say, "excuse me, I was next." Or something to that effect. Like they are invisable. But, I think mostly people just aren't used to seeing children as people. I don't think it is meanspirited, just unaware. I encourage them to continue to do this, as I think I raises awareness. I also never answer for them. If someone would ask something about them and they were by me, I will say something like, "hum, I don't know, let's ask her." We can see the surprise on folks faces sometimes. I't's like we have been conditioned to think that kids are not people.

[Bladestar5]

I agree that children deserve respect. I remember having adults treat me like dirt as a child, and then expect me to do what they wanted me to do! Yuh, right, that was really going to happen!! I think many people don't realize that children are people too.

[Bladestar5]

Oh, and I hate it when strangers touch my kids. I would be like "Excuse me, but this isn't a petting zoo."

[DebraBaker]

Two weeks ago we took Julianna skiing for the first time.

I saw some young children with harness and leash and I thought to myself, "is that cool or nasty?" I was sort of attracted to it for her next step...snowplowing and turning but wasn't sure if it was safe.

The first time I ever looked at a leash without cringing.

I *do* not like spillage. It's one of my weaknesses. My kids don't spill much, likely because they know how much it bugs me.

I give them water for awhile so they learn about the laws of gravity.

Your comment about the friend is sort of cutting (guilting me) although if a friend spilled I'd be irritated with her as well

db

[LunaMom]

carmen veranda wrote:

I also never answer for them. If someone would ask something about them and they were by me, I will say something like, "hum, I don't know, let's ask her." We can see the surprise on folks faces sometimes. I't's like we have been conditioned to think that kids are not people.

I experience that as well! And the younger the child, the more surprised the other person seems. Dd is four and extremely outgoing and articulate, and at this age, she really dislikes people speaking about her as though she is not sitting right there (after all, does ANYONE like this?). So when someone says to me, "So, how is she enjoying the snow?" and I say, "Why don't you ask her? She'll tell you!" I'm doing something positive for both the adult and my daughter. I've noticed that quite a few of the people we see regularly have been addressing her directly much more frequently.

Oh, and as ar as the leash is concerned, I just recommended one to someone in another thread somewhere. I never needed to use one myself, but I have a friend who did, and she endured all the evil looks, but kept her kid a lot safer and happier because of the thing. They look bad, sure, but I don't think we should judge those who use them. Just my $.02.

[Bladestar5]

I think my mom used to get tied with a rope to the steps. It was either her or someone else, I can't remember.

[LunaMom]

Oh, that's horrible, but certainly very different from what the mamas here are talking about.