On respecting children - Page 2

[gurumama]

This is a huge issue here right now. DS1 is 4 and we just yanked him from the Montessori school he's gone to for 1.5 years. Every day throughout Jan and Feb his teacher would tell us he was "belligerent" or "disruptive".

What we finally, after many conversations, realized was that ds would be involved in a project or a playground project and when it was time to stop he didn't want to--in the words of his teacher, he had "too much focus". Plus, with the cold snap here in MA, they weren't getting enough outdoor time, and they were doing three circle times, 15-40 minutes EACH. Of course ds got "belligerent".

This ties into the respect issue because ds, like ALL kids, always has a reason for his behavior. His teachers wouldn't ASK him why he didn't want to do something--if he didn't obey on the first request, or the second--bam--he was put on time out (which we didn't learn until the last week--that's when we pulled him). One day he pulled on the arm of the boy ringing the "circle time" bell and shouted for him to stop. The teacher ASSUMED it was because ds wanted to ring the bell. But no--it was because ds didn't want a circle time.

Another time he was told to not wear mittens on the monkey bars (too slippery). When he asked why the teacher said, "Because it's not safe." He asked "Why?" again and the teacher told me he was being belligerent.

When I explained that at home we'll go many, many "whys" deep, answering them until he's satisfied, the teachers rolled their eyes and said with 20 kids they don't have the time to do that (gr....). I said I could understand that they were busy, but I wanted them to put *his* response in context--it wasn't coming from belliegerence, but from the fact that we do answer his questions and we respect his curiousity. You would have thought I had three heads...

DS canot fathom that his input or ideas are any less valuable than any other kids or adults. He marches right up to groun ups and starts conversations with them as if they were peers. It totally shocks most adults. The ones who kneel down and have a great interaction with him are the ones I want for friends.

The ones who think he's interrupting them or being a pest or who just humor him in a condescending way--I feel sorry for the fact that they just don't get it.

[Maracita]

This is an interesting thread. I was just thinking at least the one thing we can all do is treat all children with respect. I am in a playgroup right now with my ds and one of the women beats her 2 y.o. (she mentioned it, I have not seen it yet), and expects way too much of her, thinks she is a problem child etc. Since I am new I don't feel like I can say things just yet, but just treating her daughter with respect I can see is making a difference. And of course they all see how I treat my ds and he is such a kind, thoughtful, happy child, it must make them think somehow.
You can imagine I am the only one still nursing my child and definately the odd one out.

[ebethmom]

In our last community, I taught private violin lessons in an elementary school. I taught during school hours, so I saw plenty of interaction between teacher and students. The lack of respect that I saw was SO disheartening.

I'm planning on homeschooling my son. I want him to grow and learn in a positive, respectful environment.

[Embee]

Excellent topic, insightful discussion!

I truly feel that the lack of understanding for why [not nearly enough parents] choose to treat their children with the care and respect they so deserve comes from the basic issue that people tend to parent in the way that they were parented. In so many areas of life, I am frustrated by a lack of questioning, a lack of willingness to change and better the way in which we do anything, parenting of course at the forefront...

I was parented as many were and sadly, (surprisingly in light of what we now know) still are. My parents were not horrible, they cared/care for us a great deal, but IMO, emotions were taken way too lightly and frankly, in many cases were simply overlooked because of course, "you don't want to encourage your children to carry on, can't let them manipulate you... " *sigh* Needless to say, my siblings and I are still learning to cope with our emotions as adults.

For me, it's second nature to want a better life for my son. I don't take parenting lightly. I make decisions based on DS's emotional well being and physical well being on the very same instinctual level--they are equally important. When I was a kid, my mom worried ALL THE TIME about whether I was physically safe but when she married a man who treated me terribly for no apparent reason (to this day, he can't even say why), she didn't little to change it. Time and forgiving circumstances have changed our lives for the better now but the wounds my step-dad inflicted will always be with me to some extent. In her place, I would have done something more. I would have respected me more and her own role as mom...

I respect my son immensely, too much NOT to break the cycle of just doing what my parents did. I am forever frustrated and baffled as to why many parents don't see how important this is. How little thought people give this issue. I guess that's why I spend so much time here, among people who do see the importance of it.