Went to mainstream baby shower yesterday

[birthjunkie27]

And I felt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO out of place. First of all the pregnant one is not due till the END of May. The 30th. She's being induced in 2 weeks. Because the baby is "big enough and healthy" and her nurse-midwife will be out of town the last week in may. I swear, those MEDwives are a disgrace to midwifery. This person already has a daughter who was born at 41 weeks (induced) and weighed only 7lbs 14oz. This baby will be 3 weeks earlier. Poor thing.

Then, people were asking why I wasn't eating. I told them about how I'm on a special diet because I'm breastfeeding my baby and certain foods cause her to break out badly. And the comments Samara got were, "Your mommy must REALLY love you!" Uh....yeah. Don't all mommies love their babies?

And the kicker. This one had me fuming! The place we were at has only a single bathroom. I had to wait while someone was finishing up in there. Out walks the mommy to be and whispers to me "I was smoking...didn't want my grandma to see me". I think my head started spinning, but I'm not sure it may have done this (head exploding smiley for those of you who don't have animated smilies) . Sure enough the bathroom REEKED of cigarette smoke. Gross. I promply gathered up my baby and left.

[allnaturalmama]

Originally Posted by birthjunkie27

This one had me fuming!

Very punny!

It's really not funny, though, I mean the whole experience. ETA: I just now re-read and realized it was the MOTHER-TO-BE that was smoking! I thought it was just another party-goer. Oh my!

I know exactly how you feel at these showers. So sad. Not to mention all the useless, chemical-laden items that are usually gifted at these events.

[DuckyTate]

Do not judge to harshly. I amsure the Mom in question is making the choices she thinks are right and that she loves her children too.
MainStream parenting is NOT bad or EVIL.
Did you stop to think that there was a higher reason you were there that day?
Do you have her email? Could you send her information on healthy birthing? Could you invest your time in getting to know her better and sharing what you know and love about parenting?
This could be a brilliant chance for YOU to be a positive part of this families life!
Have you asked her to join you here as a member parent?

I just get so sad when people see diffrent things and take on a better than you stand.
Part of living your life and loving it is knowing that other people love their lifestyle too.
All get angry does is hurt people feelings.

[Geofizz]

Originally Posted by DuckyTate

I just get so sad when people see diffrent things and take on a better than you stand.

I know Bethany well enough to know that she smiled her way through the shower and gave the honoree her heartfelt congratulations and best wishes.

Sometimes one needs to vent after spending an afternoon in an uncomfortable environment.

Bethany, you didn't ask for my advice, but except to the most die-hard breastfeeders, I don't mention that I follow a special diet because of Elliot's reflux. When I'm out with potential future breastfeeders, I paint a picture of "this is the easiest way to parent." When someone asks why I'm not eating, my answer is either "I'm not hungry/I already ate" or "Just 5 more pounds until I'm back to my prepregnancy weight!"

Seriously, though, your elimination diet is much more difficult than mine (just dairy) and I wouldn't fault anyone for deciding breastfeeding wasn't in the cards for them. The changes you've had to make to your life are honestly beyond what many people can manage. What you're doing is a labor of love.

[IncaMama]

the choices she thinks are right? are you serious?? to smoke while pregnant? is this a choice that we at MDC are supposed to support and think "to each her own"?
to induce early for no medical reason?
to suggest that they might not alter their diets to avoid hurting their own bfing children? that it would take a mom that *really* loves her kids?

i'm all for being supportive of my fellow mama. but some choices just ARE better than others when it comes to physical health. she did not hurt anybody's feelings, she came here...among FRIENDS (which we are...on this board...those of us who "belong" here on our due date board are friends with each other...perhaps you didn't realize it, not being a part of this board) to share how much her OWN feelings were affected by the behaviors of these women.

other people may love their lifestyles, but that does not make their choices acceptable to me.

[allnaturalmama]

Well said, Wendy and Michele!

DuckyTate, I appreciate your points about educating others, but you misunderstand Bethany's post (not to mention are you condoning smoking while pregnant as a valid mainstream choice to love as a lifestyle?).

As Michele said, this is our DDC. We are friends who come here to share our personal feelings. It can be a very frustrating experience to be a health-minded AP mom in the mainstream world, and it's nice to have a group of likeminded mamas to share those feelings with.

[xmasbaby7]

Duckytate, a pregnant woman smoking is crazy!!!

Are you related to the said pregnant woman or something?:

[DuckyTate]

I NEVER ment to be condoning smoking while pregnant!

I was speaking in a broader tone about teaching by way of your own lifestyle!

michelemiller I can only hope we get to know each other better and not let fourms boards and borders judge who we like and dislike.

xmasbaby7 Nope no relation, or friendship there to speak of.

Point Of Fact about me.
I HATE SMOKING. If I am around people who smoke get sick enough to puke! I am not good company when I am puking, and all tobaco smells filthy to me. I would have left to if the bathroom reeked!:

Thank you so much for caring about my thoughts and feelings ladies!

[lilyka]

as if everyone in the room wouldn't know she had just inahled a cigarette.

how frustrating that must have been! the cigg would have sent me over the edge.

the only thing that wouldn't have bothered me are the "mommy must really ove you" I woul dhave just beamed and said "yes . . her mommy really really does love her. I would go to the ends of the earth to give her something so important as breastmilk."

[birthjunkie27]

Thanks to everyone who took my post as it was intended...a vent. MDC, and this due date club in particiular , is my "safe" place where I can come and voice my opinion without being questioned (or so I thought).

DuckyTate- I did not take on a better than you stand. Although I am better than her regarding the choices I make for myself and my children . Wendy knows me pretty well apparantly! I sat quietly, wished her well, and when I'd had enough I left. She knows that I homebirth, breastfeed, and would walk to the ends of the earth and back for the well being of my children. She knows the choices she makes aren't the best ones. I've talked to her about all of these things, but she is set in her ways. This is not her first child. I have a hard time speaking my mind without getting flustered, so I chose not to say anything at all. She's been made aware of the benefits of AP and natural birthing, and breastfeeding. It's not like she's living under a rock.

ETA: If this mommy to be is so self indulgent that she won't even give up ciggarettes for her unborn baby (or current child) then why in the world would she care about being induced, getting an epidural, or breastfeeding? Apparantly what's best for her baby isn't high on her priority list.

[aisraeltax]

bethany,
sorry you had to sit through something that uncomfortable.
as an ex-smoker, i found it incredibly difficult to stop for any reason. i only smoked outside and in "hiding" (i was a closet smoker...didnt want my kids to know). i tried EVERYTHING to quit.
the only times i was able to quit were when i was pregnant. i mean, come on..they don't deserve that! i was able to quit while preg. and bf'ing and praying that by extended bf'ing this time i will not have the desire to go back after 3 years again.
i know its hard to quit...but i just can't understand how any mother can put a cigarette in their mouth when there is a babe in their stomach. and this is not a belief i have b/c of MDC, AP, etc. its on par with not drinking and not doing drugs during my preg. I mean, why have a baby if you are going to damage it in utero. yuk!!!
and there really isnt anything you can do/say in that situation. i mean, who in their right mind thinks its ok to smoke while prego?? jeez...some people.

and how much useless stuff did she get???

[Taedareth]

Originally Posted by aisraeltax

and how much useless stuff did she get???

Ah, mainstream showers.... the thing I find tough is knowing that the mom will USE all that "useless stuff." Not that there's really anything wrong with Johnson's Baby Shampoo and disposable baby wipes... but why use preservative- and chemical-laden stuff when lovely (and cheap!) alternatives exist? Next time I go to a baby shower I'll actually have some money *cross fingers* and I'll give the mama some nice Burts Bees stuff and maybe even a sling!

I'm curious about what Birthjunkie gave the mom-to-be!

[birthjunkie27]

LOL, I left before she opened gifts. I went the safe route and got clothes, a bib, some baby washcloths, and a soft cloth toy. I've already lent her books on natural childbirth an AP. And she is SOOOOOOOOOOOO not a baby wearer. Trust me. There would have been no "converting" her. A sling or other AP tool would have been a waste of money.

ETA that as a reminder, this isn't her first baby, so I know what type of parent she is.

[amygoforth]

Wow... just catching up on this thread. Got a little weird in here, huh?

Anyway, I often feel frustrated around mainstream mamas and mamas-to-be. It's incredibly hard for me to figure out there the line is between offering caring advice and knowledge and preaching with a right/wrong tone. And the Evil Amy voice in my head is screaming, "IDIOT! OPEN YOUR EYES! HAVE FAITH IN YOUR BODY AND YOUR BABY! MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF! DON'T JUST SIT BACK AND ACCEPT THE 'NORM!'"

So, I've been giving books at showers. My two faves are Sears' Baby Book (pro AP and BF, yet mainstream enough for new moms) and The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. I'll usually pair one of those with a couple books for the baby. Why don't more people give books as gifts anyway?? I don't know if it makes a difference, but at least I've tried.

[aisraeltax]

i 2nd those books as gifts. they get so much crap that maybe somethign they read will help...and they will think its "their" idea instead of the crunchy mamas...sometimes i think my ms friends tune me out b/c they dont want to hear about extended bf'ing (in my neck of hte woods, ebf seems to be past 3 months), or cd'ing.

[judybean]

chiming in late too...

I think it needs to be pointed out (silly, I know, but it obviously must be done).... this board is a part of MOTHERING DOT COMMUNE. Billed as "THE Natural Family Living Community"

I don't think smoking (esp. while pregnant), elective inductions, NOT breastfeeding and more fit into the way of thinking for this community.

I find there is far too much relativism in the world as it is. I will not tolerate it here, on a board I go to find, chat with, and relate to like-minded individuals. I do not have to tolerate smoking while pregnant (for crying out loud, even the GOVERNMENT acknowledges this is foolish), I do not have to sit back and relax about elective inductions.... Now, of course I'm not going to always go into a tongue-lashing about why alternatives are better. Yes, *living* the example has the most power. But it doesn't always 'work'. And it *IS* frustrating. And so, when things like that get frustrating, it's nice to know there's a place to turn to where like-minded individuals gather for support, comraderie, and general chit-chatting.

Good for you, Bethany, for venting your frustrations. We've all had similar experiences I'm sure (though the smoking part just has me flabbergasted!)... in fact, a friend of mine who just had a baby a week ago did so via elective induction one week early. ... the baby is doing great and she *is* working to bf (this is HUGE considering she once proclaimed she was "not a food source"!)... anyway...

Vent away, fellow Community members!!!!!!!

[xmasbaby7]

I second Judy's post.

Every time we encounter experiences like bethany's shower, it is doubly sad for us. Sad for the babies that may not get the best boost from some MS choice, but also sad for us that it can be so lonely sometimes beating to our own drums.

We are committed of our choices to have the healthiest families possible, and that means standing on our own, sadly, too often. Motherhood can be so isolating, that I think nothing is more lonely than being surrounded by other mothers who don't share any of my AP parenting choices.

I come here to this amazing group of smart, educated women who take a proactive and informed approach to parenting and my life and state of mind in the last year has certainly been better for it.

Let me take this opportunity to thank all of you!

[wirewendy]

Whew!

I for one am relieved that such a forward thinking bunch has condoned drinking wine in my other thread!

chin chin!

[aisraeltax]

wirewendy,
are you comparing having a glass of wine with dinner while bf'ing to smoking while preg?
if so, i think you are a bit off base on that one. there is NO evidence that drinking one glass of wine with dinner while bf'ing causes harm (not imagining doing all these at the same time, grant you..im not an octopus). it has been shown that smoking while preg. causes harm and 2nd hand smoke around other ppl (esp. children) causes harm.
i just dont understand your comment perhaps.

[spiralmg]

Originally Posted by amygoforth

Wow... just catching up on this thread. Got a little weird in here, huh?

:
Um, Rach, I am an octopus.

Originally Posted by xmasbaby7

We are committed of our choices to have the healthiest families possible, and that means standing on our own, sadly, too often. Motherhood can be so isolating, that I think nothing is more lonely than being surrounded by other mothers who don't share any of my AP parenting choices.

I've been feeling SO isolated lately, and I live in the midst of a huge urban space. It's doubly hard for me when I go somewhere where I expect the mothers to be more open minded (say, a Mommy and Me "yoga" class - yoga in quotes because it usually isn't really yoga) - and I'm still the odd one out. I've been trying to keep my mouth shut most of the time unless asked, mostly because people really do for the most part just want to do what they want to do...but actions speak louder than words (BF in public, changing cloth dipes in public, ECing in public) and I get a lot of odd looks. A few curious questions, but not many. Mind you, I'm not at all going out of my way to be in anyone's face. But its just inconvenient to always leave the room to do what I am going to do normally. It's also somewhat inconvenient not to say what I am thinking. :LOL: I don't know what I would do without MDC to come lurk and post and know that I am not really alone, even if you all are all out "there" somewhere.