Yes, after my first I said "never again!" I also ssaid that after my second and my third
post #61 of 91
5/3/06 at 1:34pm
Originally Posted by jenniey
wow, you know annakiss, i just can't thank you enough for taking the time to post all that. i mean, i haven't really heard anyone else admit to feeling that way after/during birth. you have given me a lot to think about.
for the record i just wanted to say that i am really impressed with you. i mean, the cleft (and the semi ) sounds like it was so painful to go through.
longer: i see it in them every day. the pregnancy, birth, and infancy experiences. i am not saying that tus (induced, pre-e) is a product of his scary birth, or that oak (ppd) is a product of my mental state, or that cedar (preterm) is a product of bed rest... but in a way, they are. i don't think it defines them, but i do think it is like the first line on blank paper. inevitably, it leads to a greater picture. you can basically eradicate that line but it certainly influenced the painting... i am hopelessly metaphoric.
for instance, throughout tus's preg. i loved animals and life in general. i felt magic everywhere. through oak's i kicked the dogs out of the house and really felt pretty ambivilant towards anything but my own comfort. through cedar i found life to be hilarious, i was happier than ever.
well... you see where i am going? tus speaks of magic constantly. he believes in the universe. he is full of love and compassion. oak has a dry sense of humor and would rather talk about an animal than actually touch it. and cedar was practically laughing when he came out of me.
do you ever feel this correlation b'n your pregnancy state of mind and your sons' personalities?
i don't know. i don't have any proof. but i do think they are all connected. i guess this is what i think about so much.
i don't know why i keep trying to connect things... to find a cause, effect, purpose... sometimes i wish i could just stop. perhaps it is just the search for beauty. that really kind of makes sense.
Originally Posted by bobandjess99
i literally sobbed and cried for WEEKS because i couldn't bear the thought of ever doing that again, yet i knew i wanted more than just one child....I was literally emotionally devastated...I had panic attacks thinking about it.....i honestly believe i had real PTSD after my birth, the horrific pain of it still blows my mind.......i thought horrible thoughts about how terrible it must have been to have been born before drugs were available, and to know, every time you got pregnant, that you would have to go through that hell again and have no way to do anything about it.....even now, although i am much less emotional about it, i still can't believe that anything on this earth should ever hurt as badly as giving birth.....
Originally Posted by annakiss
maybe not 3 times a day.
|I have always thought that it'd be nice to have circles of women with whom to talk about our births and to help process them. Like after-birth therapy or something.|
|So I guess I see what you're saying. At first I was looking at what you'd said differently...|
|I have actually wanted to talk here at MDC about processing birth for a long time, but never knew how to approach the subject. It's hard to just invite people to talk without it having a direction... I'd love for others to talk about their experiences in relation to what we've discussed.|
Originally Posted by jennica
I had a traumatic hospital birth with my son almost one year ago. I just have one thing to say about the pain. I always see it described as coming from a certain place in someone's body, like their stomach or their back for instance, and I guess at the very beginning of my labor that is how I could describe my pain too. My labor was very fast for a first time mom, 6 hours total, 3 in the hospital. Anyway, once I got to the hospital and the fear and panic set in, I felt like the pain was no longer coming from my own body. At least I didn't feel like it was in my stomach or in my back or wherever, I felt like it was everywhere, throughout my whole body, throughout the whole room, and I was just engulfed in the pain. I felt like I couldn't contain it, which maybe doesn't even make sense. The only time that it was contained inside of me was when I was briefly in the shower and then when I was given nubain about an hour before I pushed him out. It was the most horrible thing I've ever experienced, and I think the pain itself greatly contributed to my ptsd, however there are several other factors as well. At first I wanted to give birth again right away and get it right the next time, and I am obsessed with my birth experience and birth in general. But lately I am starting to think that maybe giving birth again might not be such a good thing. Experiencing that kind of pain again is something I never want to go through, and since going back to the hospital isn't even an option, neither are drugs, and I wouldn't want them anyway. Reading how some of you had great home births, but the pain still made it traumatic, that is kind of scary. I was counting on the fact that if it was a home birth with a good (preferably hands-off) midwife, it wouldn't be as scary, therefore it wouldn't be as painful. But if it is going to be extremely, traumatically painful anyway, then I just don't know if I can face that again.
Originally Posted by hipem
My first birth was not as I expected (whose is?) - 54 hours of labor, 14 hours of active labor (over 8 hours at 5 cm.), 3+ hours of pushing (awkward positioning, nuchal hand) but man, when I pushed her out - ecstatic birth! I do remember thinking a couple of times "no wonder people ask for drugs for this." And even though by most people's standards I had had a hellish birth...I felt strong and happy.
|I was 42+3 weeks with ds and so ready for him to come. I really intended to wait him out but my feeling was that it was time and for some reason he wasn't coming. So I did castor oil. It took affect around 1am. By 1:30 I could tell that he contractions were regular. At 2:30 I was contributing the intensity to the castor oil. At 3:30 I told dh to call everyone. (At 5:00am my homebirth midwife came by to check me...she says "you're 3 cm.|
|About 5 months PP I started having, I guess, flashbacks to the birth while in the shower or during sex. It took me a while to figure out that I had major abandonment issues to work out with my midwife. I did work through a lot of it and then went to talk to her about it. By 7-8 months PP I felt largely healed.|
Originally Posted by jenniey
When I read this I kept looking back over it... she didn't have any drugs?
|And this, wow, somehow I thought you were going to say 5 or 6... to me 3 would have been really disappointing. Did you feel that way at all?|
|This is the main reason I hate checks... if you don't have them done, you don't know. It really shouldn't be about how far into it you are.|
|These "abandonment issues..." tell me, have you ever worked them out? If so, how?|
|I've said it before, my midwife left my birth to go home, her shift was up, just as they were starting the pitocin drip on me (induction, pre-eclampsia). As in, just when I REALLY needed her eyes on me, her hands checking me, her voice comforting me... she went home. And left me with a hospital happy med-wife I'd met twice.|
|I guess I never got the chance to talk to her about it. At our 6 week appointment she was all smiles and some intern was in to watch and learn and she kept saying, "healthy baby, happy mama..." To this day I cringe when I hear those words. I thought I saw tears in my original midwife's eyes. But I can't be sure. I cried a little about how disappointing the birth was. I said, "I don't think I want any more babies... I can't go through that again. I thought birth was supposed to be natural and beautiful, I expected it to hurt, but I didn't know it would be so traumatizing." I needed to say, "you said you wouldn't leave. why did you leave me? after you left they held me down and checked my dilation and i felt like i was being raped again. they checked me like that 7 times." But the intern was there so I never said it. It is still so raw and it is 2 births, 4 years, later.
I've been told that it is unusual for an abuse survivor to have a natural, vaginal birth. After that first birth I thought they were right. But then, with my next two births, where my midwife KNEW me and my past and knew not to do vaginal exams on me especially DURING a contraction, I've never had flashbacks and unnatural pain. My 3rd birth hurt A LOT, I don't know why, but nothing has ever come close to the pain of my first birth.
|Because of this thread my last 3 night's dreams have been birthing babies! (this is good, i love dreams about that. of course dh is flipping out, "you can't be pregnant, i am fixed...")|