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Yay! It's May for the 3 year old tribe! - Page 5

post #81 of 156
saritasmile-Just wanted to let you know that when I was pregnant with Gavin, I reached my nursing limit with Desmond. Luckily, he was already down to only nursing for bedtime and naptime and it just took the gentlest push to help him wean at 26 months old.

I just read a ton and am trying to catch up on everything. I've been meaning to call the dentist to get a checkup for myself and get Desmond in there for his first visit. Procrastination tends to be my middle name. I'm kind of afraid he'll freak out and hate the dentist for life. No particular reason to believe this will happen, though. His teeth came in late and look great, so hopefully it will be no big deal.

On husbands, my dh is a chef and works A LOT. Today is his one day off for the week and he is with the boys while I'm at work (for five hours). I think it's good for him to spend some time alone with them. He generally sees them for a couple of minutes in the morning and then comes home long after they've gone to sleep for the night. I tend to wish he were around more, but then when he is around it's tough because I get set in my ways and he throws things off. His mother has some very different ideas on parenting than I do and she tends to tell him things over and over and over and over again until he questions my decisions on them.

A question for those with other children/younger siblings to your 3 year old...
Desmond has started sticking his foot over onto Gavin's (he's 8 1/2 months) carseat while I'm driving and this really bothers me for some reason. I don't want Gavin touching dirty shoes and then putting his hands in his mouth and I really just want to be able to tell Desmond something and have him listen to me. I try not to get to angry when I repeat myself and he doesn't listen, and I try to distract him, but nothing seems to work. Lately I've pondered not going anywhere (which would drive me even more insane) and buying a minivan and putting them in different rows of seat (not really an option just now). Any other ideas or similar experiences?
post #82 of 156
Marie, I'd just take my DC's shoes off while in the car if he couldn't keep his feet out of his brother's car seat...

I am getting used to having a baby in the house again. Kaylee is 21 months, but she is so much more delayed than the usual almost-two-year-old, so it seems like she's younger. She crawls and stands, but no walking on her own yet, no eating by mouth, no words, still babbling, etc. So I am getting used to doing everything with a baby on my hip again! I had forgotten how needy babies are! Her ventilator tubing only reaches about 6 feet, so I have taken her off the ventilator quite a bit so I can carry her around while I work, or she crawls around exploring. She's still on oxygen (on a 50 ft cord) which pushes pressure into the lungs like the vent, but obviously she has to breathe on her own. And she does very well! I still don't have doctor's orders to do it, but I can not keep her holed up in her room her entire life because of the ventilator. She needs to exercise, and dig in my potted plants, and throw toys, and rip books, and all the cool stuff toddlers get to do!

Julianna was, of course, so good at the dentist today, and Crystal did surprisingly well! She sat still during the X-rays, which is a MAJOR feat for her. The ladies were training someone (slowly) on the X-ray machine and I'm like "Hurry up, she won't sit still for long!", lol. She whined a little when the dentist put his mask on, but she actually opened her mouth and was very well behaved for the exam. Because of her heart issues they suggested prophylactic antibiotics before an actual cleaning, and I'm thinking we'll be able to get it done with no sedation. I think she finally understands that not everyone who puts on a surgical mask is going to hurt her, but she's not ready to trust everyone yet either. But it was cool, and I'm glad she didn't freak out again like last year.

DH let Zach take a nap today while I was gone : , and he's in his room right now screaming like a seal, or seagull, or something like that, I can't understand him...
post #83 of 156
Hm, BeanBean never tried to put his foot on BooBah while we were driving. He took her blanket a couple of times, and then I started giving him a blanket of his own and it was all good. I'm with Leah, though; removing shoes sounds like a great idea. In fact, I'd ask BeanBean to remove his own shoes, he loves doing things like that.

Maybe he just wants to be close to his brother, to feel like he's doing something with/for him?
post #84 of 156
hey there, i'm starting to panic abt packing for our vacation. silly silly....

sarita - hugs!!!!!!! oooh, i have been there mamma. i get the feeling you need to get out and absorb some positive energy, even if it is indirect people watching or having a weekly scheduled 30 minute walk alone. this is a very sensitive and special time for you. was your other pg like this?

liz, reed is not diagnosed. and he is seven - i forget how much he has grown up in the past year....and it is hard to remember how things were when he was 3....

marie, my dh is a chef too. i'd like to blame my problems on his varying schedule.....but it looks like i have to learn how to really exercise my power soon, lots more.....i think the problem with the daddy dynamic is a common one, esp when the mamma is home. it feels disruptive because things ARE different. can you move the brothers to the opposite ends and put a big box between them? i can't help much here - my kids are always provoking each other and yes, i have them in their own seats in the van (tho someone always gets to kick a seat, and the impulse control doesn't slow as down until around 5ish and after).

i think after all this time that tv is a thing to limit. and this is after different phases of allowing my kids to watch pbs kids until they were sick of it - in the name of self regulation but, really because i was too exhausted to do much else and had too many directions to take care of. again, i think controlled repetitive movies on a little screen are better than the constant programming. probably what helped me the most was when dh decided he was sick of tv - it used to be how he decompressed after his job - so we were closer to the same page about mindless tv viewing. unfortunately this problem also applies to my emailing and net usage - it is barely interactive for my body and can be large amounts of input that makes me screech alot in the end too. big screen movies can be too much - i'm sorry abt curious george sarita.
post #85 of 156

I keep meaning to tell you another thing to do on your vacation. I think your dh works at whole foods is that right? You guys HAVE to visit the Berkeley Bowl It is a totally awesome independant natural foods store. Because it is in California it has soo much wonderful organic local produce. I was there once and they had 5 varieties of mangos, 3 different passion fruits, several eggplants you get the picture. It's a def must do along with Chez Pannise (you already mentioned that was in your plan)

Have fun! I miss the bay area!!!!!!

post #86 of 156
Has anyone read the book The Secret to Parenting? I'm about halfway through it. I'm wondering if anyone has read it and has found it to be useful in dealing with their 3's.
post #87 of 156
thanks for hugs casina You are totally right about the postive energy. I'm actually going to call the yoga studio today and get into the prenatal class. There is also a single mom who's has an adopted 3 yr old from guatamala whose yard backs ours. I've decided to go over there and invite her to this coffee shop near. it's hard to compare pregnancies. I *think* I was sicker w/ razi but I didn't have razi to deal w/. i made it to 20 weeks w/o taking any medication. this time I hit the wall sooner and I think mostly cuz i have razi who needs me. I hope you have so much fun on vacation. i love going on vacation, mostly cuz i don't have to think about what's for dinner every night, lol!

Razi has been doing funny feet stuff lately too. He's learning how to pick things up w/ his toes. he's also been figuring out how to push buttons w/ his toes. It's been really funny to watch.

gtg, razi has his dentist appt this morning.
post #88 of 156
I do have the boys on opposite sides of the car, but ds1 can still reach his foot across. I guess I should just take his shoes off, but it is a bit of a pain. I just love converse all stars and continue to buy them for ds even thought they have laces. They seem to be easiest on his feet. They are a pain to take on and off all the time, though. I've got to get him some sandals sometime soon, so if he still thinks it's hilarious to put his feet on his brother by that time, I'll do the take them off thing.

The bay area! I miss it, too. I actually just got some pictures from a friend that I met while living there. She was in Kauai and made me long for a vacation. I'd love to go back to the bay area or to the napa valley. Sometimes I really miss our little cottage in Calistoga.

I finally made a dentist appt for myself and ds, thanks to this thread.
post #89 of 156

Oh, the funny things my 3 year old says...

We live in rural Maine. My ds goes to daycare at my best friends apartment. She has 5 boys (1 of her own ). She lives in what we (humoursly) refer to as "the ghetto"... as it's the only apartment complex around and it's in the middle of town and there's a big dumpster in her parking lot (and she HAS a parking lot!!). Well, here's a funny he must of picked up from his day at "the ghetto"...

I was reading him a book last night and stopped to answer a ? dh had asked. Baylor kept saying "moooooommy- keep reading" over and over and then finally he says "mmmmmooooommy, keep reading- put your back into it... you can do it if you put your back into it"

I laughed so hard!
post #90 of 156
Ha ha, edamommy.

I'm going crazy. Julianna's social worker called yesterday and said that they're going to move to place Julianna with a family member on the reservation. There is a new judge in the juvenile courts for the tribe that is gung-ho on reunification with tribal family members at all costs. They're all pissed off that 75% of their kids are put into foster care at some point in their lives, so the courts want to place them back on the reservation with tribal members. The sad part is that none of the orignal problems that caused the removal of the kids are being fixed, so they are being put right back into the homes they were taken out of. And so the future generations of this tribe are continuing down the very path of their elders- drugs, alcohol, violence, and lawlessness.

Julianna's grandma (her dad's mom) wants her. I'm sure she's been getting pressure from tribal social services. ("Oh, we'll offer you more land on the reservation! Oh, we'll offer you monthly monetary support! Take your granddaughter and teach her the ways of her people before our culture is lost forever!") She already has custody of two of her son's three kids, so it's only natural that she'd step up to raise his youngest. The courts are going to try to fit in as many visits as possible between now and August, because the judge wants to see more visits with natural family. Then in August they will reconvene and most likely change her case plan to include reunification with family, and custody will be granted to her grandma. I am dying.

The judge even made the comment that she doesn't like "her" tribal kids calling their white foster parents Mom and Dad. : Um, I've had the kid since birth, what the hell is she supposed to call me??? When you're a baby you don't care that your real parents are somewhere else, all you know is the person who comforts you, cleans you up, and feeds you. That's the person you know and love. Do you know how many times Julianna has said "I was in your tummy", or something similar? I've stopped trying to explain to her that she grew in Mama Jessica's tummy, that Daddy James and Mama Jessica made her first and then she came to live here. I just nod and say "Yep, you were so tiny when you were a baby!" She is mine and I am hers, as far as she's concerned.

I have heard that she is going "home" so many times that I don't know exactly how to react to it. When Julianna was 1 her mom wanted her back (she's in jail again, surprise surprise), then last year at this time it was her father (who is nowhere to be found again, surprise surprise), and now this year it's her grandma. I know there's nothing I can do about it, I just have to wait. And that's the hardest part- not really knowing if this time will be IT. Social Services said they will work with us and take as long as need be for Julianna to get bonded with her family and ready to move. We have talked to her about it and she said "I don't wanna go with Grandma Angie! I wanna stay at my house." Then she asked me "You wanna come, Mama?" Zachary is going to be beside himself when she's gone- they spend all day playing together and talking in their little language. It's going to be VERY hard for him. I have no idea how to handle that one. He said "She's not leaving, Mom", in his matter-of-fact, I-know-everything-because-I'm-three tone of voice.

Julianna knows her sister (who already lives with her grandma), and seems to really like her, so that will hopefully make it easier for her. She is 9 I think, so she likes being the little caregiver and helper, so I am hoping having her around will make Julianna more comfortable.

I hate this.

DH asked me "Can I just run away with her?" :

I know you guys all understand, so that's why I'm venting here. But I don't want to bring you all down, I just wanted you to know what is going on in my world...
post #91 of 156
Leah, that's got to be so hard. Poor Juliana! I hope all goes well for all of you. It sounds so difficult.
post #92 of 156
Oh Leah ((((hugs))) mama I'm so sorry. That has got to be so hard...a roller coaster. I really don't want Z and J to be split up. Reading that breaks my heart. ((((((hugs)))))) again.
post #93 of 156
Leah, it was hard not to cry while reading that. Hugs to you, mama.
post #94 of 156
Originally Posted by saritasmile
I really don't want Z and J to be split up. Reading that breaks my heart.
That's the worst thing for me... I don't know how they will live without each other.

I was really really depresed today, but I made sugar cookies with the kids and surprisingly felt a million times better afterward. Nothing was fixed, but it all seemed less important. I know I'm going to be crushed when she goes, but I have decided that I will not let this destroy me. Life will go on. And I am just trying to make this as easy as possible for Julianna , so that she ends up happy in the end.

But you have to understand that Zachary and Julianna were pretty much raised as twins- I mean, short of breastfeeding Julianna I treated both of them the same. We have two of everything. They do everything together, even go to the bathroom.

They have been talking about it a lot. Zachary brings it up and asks a lot of questions, but Julianna won't talk about it unless we bring it up. Zachary said "Nan [his nickname for her] will climb up my ladder [of his top bunk] and yell out the window 'No! You stay in your car! You go away!' when Grandma Angie comes."

We are all going to be ok. It's just going to be tough getting to that point. Thanks for everything mamas. Have a Happy Mother's Day weekend.

post #95 of 156
leah..this is so heartbreaking

you have been such a great momm to julianna and zachary.. she is so very lucky to have lived in your home. it is so hard letting go.. i know because my family has always done foster care (since i was a wee babe)..mostly for kids with disabilities and ive had my heart break everytime they have gone home or to another family member.

we had two boys (brothers..6 and 8 when they moved in with us).. live with us for over 2 years when i was 15 or so. they were my sweet brothers. i LOVED them so much and after 2 years they were taken back by their auntie and uncle and the family didnt want us involved anymore. it broke my heart. just recently my mom saw one of them.. all grown up and tall..and she said she cried after she talked to him because she still feels like they are her boys.
post #96 of 156
oh leah.
post #97 of 156
you are handling whatever may happen beautifully. hugs. if i get to be immortal i'll amass enough funds to have ladies like all of us in an intentional community and have a giant foster care program dedicated to you. man, that sounded all wrong. i hope you understand what i mean by that. i feel very selfish that i have not opened my heart like you have, and certainly if i did foster care, i would HAVE TO because that would be the point for me, to love kids as if they were homegrown from your belly, rather than holding back due to fear and possible change. i know i would not be able to simply provide halfway in fact it would be harder for me to be detached. for me, the concept of being open is the essence of motherhood - open to birth, open to joy, open to pain, open to enfold. you have every right to feel completely betrayed by everyone and yourself that this is happenning. how can we not parent lovingly - by believing in doubts and fears and loss? my heart breaks for all of you, in this mighty gale. strangely, to bend and accept and continue what you do so very well is what will help you, and to spend your energy creating joy rather than dwelling on possibilities. flick the petty peripheral strangers' insults off of you. zach and julianna are too little for much preparation of what has not yet happenned. take it from breath to breath, moment to moment. certainly i'm going to hug my kids more tomorrow.
post #98 of 156

Leah- I thinking so much about you! Sounds like you are holding it together as best you can. Take comfort in the fact the she has been so loved in these formative years.

If she has to go back will you be allowed visitation?

post #99 of 156

It seems so many of us are having a rough year.

post #100 of 156
here we think it is postkatrina blahs.

amy, thanks so mych for telling me abt the store!

packing for a trip to a new place and for dressing up is weird. it brings out all my perfectionism, an assessment of basic things. like until yesterday i did not have a single shirt that looked decent that wasn't an old navy tshirt or ribbed tank top. today i bought a brand new dress where i actually look good, and i now have a skirt that does not have stains or holes in it. it has finally occurred to me that i could wear a dress i would really like since i am not nursing during the day. it's been a long time! i'm trying to swallow the money panic. last night i found three big overdue bills i had not paid yet (duh, because i cleaned up the desk a brand new way, my way, and made a filing system and filed them) and just cried and cried at my stupidity, letting my fears paralyze me and making things worse.

marie - the foot thing sounds like either one of those things where if it hasn't gone too far, if you change your reaction to it, he will cease; or he is looking for the boundary of mamma really making it clear to him to just quit it.
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