going crazy trying to not parent!!!!

[Ts'eh's dad]

i need help. My wife has an eight year old boy from a previous marriage, and while we get along well most of the time when discipline comes into play my wife and i differ. We both believe in non-violent communication, but what i want/expect is for him to respond when we have a conversation. Often this does not occur and it really makes me angry and sometimes so much so that i am almost out of control. My wife and i have talked about it so many times, each time i make a commitment to try harder to let her handle him and work more on praise than on correction. This is where the problem is, i try my best to do that but this continues to be a problem.

Today is a wonderful example. i ask Jack to not treat the desk chair like a toy, fine he understands, but because his mother never asks/expects it he does not say a word to me about "o.k. i won't" or anything. he just launches into a conversation with his baby sister. This should be o.k. i guess but i want him to respond to the fact that i just spoke to him, i feel like i wouldn't not respond to him and i would like for him to do the same. However the situation escalates because i want to stop the flow to get a response, i can't just seem to let go. i feel like it is disrespectful and his mother feels differently. She also isn't as prone to get angry with him because she has a stockpile of all the easily great times from when he was littler and much less disagreeable and less argumentative.

Anyone have know where i'm at? Could use words,love,understanding, and advice here.

[Pigpen]

Hi. I'm not a parent of an 8 year old yet, nor a step-son. However, I was thinking in this situation that humor might work where everything else has failed. Of course making sure that it's not mocking-type humor...as you get to know each other you'll probably get a better idea of what he might find irresistibly funny. Men are especially good at that! You might try also posting this question in the Gentle Discipline forum, for more responses. Good luck!

[Bladestar5]

If you are in a situation where you are a caregiver to a child, I think you should be allowed to feel like you are being respected. He sounds disrespectful, maybe because he hasn't accepted you as a parent. This is probably his way of getting back at you and his mom for being together. Have you tried to do some "guy" things together?

[Mamaste]

My son tends to do this. I continue to press the issue until he responds -- usually with a snarl and an "OKAY, Mom," to which I reply in an equally obnoxious tone and volume "Oh GOOD, then, I'm GLAD YOU GOT THAT STRAIGHT" and on and on until he "gets it." I found that he doesn't mean to be disrespectful or rude, just that he didn't initially understand that's the effect his silence had. He understands now, but he does forget to respond sometimes. When I turn the silence or snitty attitude around on him, though, he gets it every time. And we can smile about, every single time. inky

Frankly, I don't know if you and your stepson would be comfortable with that kind of hardball humor. I think my son would get teary if his stepdad pushed him the same way I do. Maybe it's a man/woman thing, maybe it's a parent/stepparent thing ... Not sure.

For what it's worth, HTH ~

[oatmeal]

Hmmm. I'm failing to see the problem. I thought you were going to say that after you told him to stop playing with the chair he kept doing it. But you say he stopped.

I find it hard to believe he's actively trying to dis you. Sounds like a normal 8 year old with miniscule attention span. They are more stream of consciousness and he probably just went on to the next thing.

I'd relax a little and give the kid abreak! Save your anger for when he really disobeys -

[laralou]

I have a 9yo son who is also my dh's stepson. I know exactly what behavior you are talking about. In our family, you respond to the person speaking to you. This goes both ways with parents and children. IMO, you need the mom to address this with him. She needs to back you up and tell him he needs to answer you. If he doesn't answer you, then mom needs to discuss it with him, that way you aren't the heavy. I don't think anyone here would think it was ok if you refused to respond to him when he spoke to you, so I don't see you expecting him to respond as unreasonable.

[PM]

I agree with Laralou!

[joyberryjoy]

I'm glad dh has gotten so much support and encouragement here . As the mom and wife in question, he really is doing a great job of trying to understand and appreciate jackson. Neither he nor I were raised using the principles of NVC, and I consider it especially great that he can "get into" our way without the years of sometimes frustrating but often rewarding experience with jack.

I have to say I *do* encourage Jack to respond to dh, since I can see how important it is to him. I've never made too much of a deal of it, as long as the "attitude" is good--if Jack is smiling and excited and goes into something else (he's very very energetic) but ALSO does stop what he wsn't supposed to be doing, I tend to say "Thank you" and leave it at that. If his attitude is bad (i.e., stalks off, mutters, averts eyes and looks mad) then I follow up with making him express feelings and encouraging a more positive response.

What is hard for me to see is that there seems to be a domino effect that occurs when dh tries to make jack respond once he has stopped the unwanted behavior...as he said it seems hard for him to "let go" and then it seems to end up with us trying to discuss the lack of response rather than the initial frustrating behavior...then jack almost always responds badly...covering his head, crawling away...things that to me as mom look like he is feeling very "attacked" even though dh is kind to him. i'm worried about their relationship inthe long run more than the "small stuff"...jack tells me he doesn't think dh likes him and that colors my views on what is best in these situations.

Does that make sense?

Joy

[laralou]

Thanks for explaining more, Joy. I think I know exactly what you mean. I was thinking more of a defiant non-answer. That sounds more like a don't-rub-it-in non-answer. My ds does that too, where he gets it, but is embarrassed to keep discussing his "faults." I would say maybe they could work out a code word that means "I get it" and then the subject could be dropped. Would that work? Then sd doesn't feel he's being ignored and ds doesn't feel he's being attacked.

Do they have activities that they can bond over separate from mom and other siblings? That can help foster a bond too, though it will never be a non-issue, I think, from my own experience. It is just someone everyone has to work on regularly (building that non-bio bond).

Good luck!

[oatmeal]

After reading more from mom it definitely seems like SD needs to let go. Something about Jackson's ebullience is pushing stepdad's buttons. This seems little about child and more about dad. Maybe explore the buried anger there for step dad. If I were Jackson I'd feel attacked too I think.