Needing more from Friendships - Page 6

[sunbaby]

oatmeal, can you see that there is a group of people here rallying around you to give love and support? that we are not judjing you because you are a single mom? are you ready to believe that there ARE people like this in the world, if you will open yourself to seeing them? that no one can fully understand another's experience, but that fact does not keep them from wanting to see and perhaps help you make positive change in your life? what can we do for you? do you even WANT change? of course, you have to want it first. you have to believe it is possible. others can help, but you are the driving force in your own life.

while our experiences have been different, i assure you that i do know what it feels like to be debitated by unhappiness. from my own experience, i would reccomend counseling, and am not generally an advocate of psychiatric drugs, but they can help when you are in a rut. i know, i know, this will be very hard for you to find/afford. it will take work and searching, but there are programs where you can find cheap or free counseling- the first step i would reccomend would be to look into medi-cal. i found them very helpful. find out what they can offer. other than that, there are sliding scale counseling services. call around, dont give up if the first few dont fit your needs.

as for what is wrong with you that people dont want to be your friend, i would say, nothing, except that you are shutting out those who would be your friends. i know you dont see this. counseling can help.

your daughter doesnt need playmate now as much as she needs you. i am the child of a single mom, and i can assure you, when she reaches school/ preschool age, she wont be dependent upon you to find her friends.

luck, love and hugs to you.

[oatmeal]

I hesitate to respond to where this thread has gone with regard to me, but I feel I should try to set a few things straight. I understand that your replies may be meant to help, but I have a few points.

I know I expressed my sadness and lack of knowing what to do in my situation with my so-called friends, but the level of pitiful loser you guys have taken it to is a little much. I am not psychotic or mental over this and would never, ever, in one million ten thousand years ever dream of taking psychiatric drugs. For me and anyone I love that is not an option. Nor do I need them.

You say you know what it is to be alone like me, but you don't unless all of your biological family is dead.

Also, I said I don't have the cash flow or attractive job in the entertainment business to allow me to run around town trying to make new friends. Also, how do oyu go to someone and say, hey, let's be buddies, I have none. that would be a little weird, don't you think? I did not say we were starving and threadbare as I have perceived your answers to indicate. Because I am alone taking care of her with my own earnings does mean we are challenged with money but not poverty stricken.

It is impossible for people on the internet to know the details and intricacies of something complex that you try to explain within the confines of a paragraph. My situation does make me feel sad and lonely. I simply do not believe it is in my or my DD's best interest to cut us off from the only people I can call if I need help.
Two months ago I got a stomach flu that had swept our city and I was literally on my back and could not feed DD when she woke up in the morning. I called my friend, the guy friend who used to be my best friend and he came over and took care of her until I could sit up. When my DD sees his son they both cry out with glee to see each other. They are great playmates. Cutting her off from that is not healthy or correct, despite how they may discount me or treat me with disrespect.

So let's end this. It's getting humiliating for me, and it is very clear, though no fault of yours, that you can't understand.

Thanks.

[somemama]

Long shot.........but anyone participating in this thread live in Utah? Northern Utah? If so, COOL. Maybe we could be friends.

(I so don't like Utah, where I have lived all my life, but that is ANOTHER thread entirely!)

I'll tell ya' what hurts most about this situation. It's not the not having any friends. 'Cuz my life still feels full....dh, kids, co-workers, sisters, etc.

BUT what absolutely hurts is that my dh thinks less of me because I don't have any close friends.

He has tried to "set me up" with the wives of his friends, but we just don't click for some reason. Then he tells me that I "don't try" to make new friends. When I absolutely do try. I've taken things to new neighbors. I've tried to start a book club with co-workers. Etc. It just never goes anywhere.

My dd's only close friend is the son of my dh's best friend. I feel bad for her (seeing myself in her), but we try to get her into soccer and other organized things so she can play with other kids that way.

Y'all rock, by the way!!

[yoga]

Geez, mamajulie. I don't know how I'd react to my dh if he acted like something was wrong w/me and that's why I don't have many friends. My dh is the opposite. He knows it's not me, at all! I'm particular who I befriend, b/c I spend a lot of energy on my friends. He gets disgusted when I take crap from ppl just b/c their my friends. Of course, he knows that most ppl are pretty worthless. : Did I type that out-loud?

Anyhoo, I'm not in Utah. But, Good Luck!

This thread reminded me of one of the reasons I didn't want to move from this dead town: making new friends. I swear, it took me long enough to gather the few I have! I do NOT relish the idea of starting over in a new town.

[rainsmom]

Im sorry Oatmeal if you feel like your feelings were discounted. No one here knows how you feel, but some of us have similar situations.

I know for me, not having friends when I moved here was awful. When I had my dd, I thought it would be easier and in some ways it has been. Yes, I go up to people, talk about our kids, and ask them if they want to meet again for a playdate. I even got brave enough to put notices up and started a moms group where I have met some great women whom I hope to have long friendships with. It never wouldve happened if I hadnt put myself out there. Its really hard for me to talk to people, but the agony and lonlieness of not having friends pushed me to do it . BUt this is me. Youre not me. But it just takes meeing one person to meet more people through that one person. I hope you get the courage to try it someday, at the park, doctors office, grocery store, wherever you might be where you see a mom and her child.

Sorry if our helpful hints were hurtful to you. THey werent meant to be.

good luck to you!

[sunbaby]

just in case anyone here thought that by mentioning psychiatric drugs i was implying that oatmeal was a *pitiful loser* or *mental* or *psychotic*, i would like to state for the record that i was merely reffering to my own experiences. yep, i have used antidepressants at times, and definately do not consider myself to be in any of the afore mentioned categories.

please accept my appology at having offended you, oatmeal. i have read your posts in other places and this was just one of those situations in which, after much deliberation, i felt i must speak up, even though i knew my thoughts might not go over well. if a friend comes to me with a problem, i try to keep my opinions to myself, and simply offer support and a sympathetic ear. if i see the same theme coming up again and again i feel it is only right to speak up. of course i am not there with you, i dont know exactly what goes on, i could only respond to what i thought you were expressing.

wishing you the best,

[oatmeal]

I really wasn't "offended" - perhaps a bit humiliated. But I'm in here complaining about a complex situation and you all interpreted it the best you can given the restrictive medium of the box.

No harm done. I just wanted to stop it before it got any more embarrassing - thanks!

[MamaMonica]

This is an interesting thread- making new friendships can be a challenge, especially when you move to a new town. Maybe a new thread on the topic of friendships would be good?

[HeatherSanders]

Monica,
I think that is a fabulous idea! Maybe you could start one? This one is already on its 6th page!