MIL visit next week

[Minnow_]

My husband's mother is coming to visit next week. She'll probably be with us for two weeks. She is a wonderful woman and we get along just fine, but... (isn't there always a but?)

We do things way differently than she did. She only breastfed for 8 weeks, started cereal at 2 months, let DH cry it out, etc. When she's here, I know she'll be questioning everything we do - not necessarily judgementally, but honestly questioning why we do things the way we do, because there so different from how she did things and what is "normal" to her.

I'm afraid I'll get defensive about our choices and end up not enjoying her visit. I'm confident about our parenting style, but I don't know that I'll deal calmly with two weeks of being scrutinized. I think she's especially likely to question our co-sleeping and delaying solids.

Any tips for handling questions calmly and preserving peace? Like I said, I really like her and I want her visit with us to be fun.

[KC in KS]

Look at it as a chance to open new avenues of conversation. Just look at it as if one of your friends said "I've never heard of that. Why would you...."

Try not to project your fears on your MIL. Try to remember she's probably honestly curious. It's an opportunity to educate.

And remember, she might honestly have some good ideas. Conversations go much better when both sides are willing to listen. Try not to attack her ideas, either.

[amygoforth]

How about, "Yeah, I know lots of parent have had luck with [cry-it-out/early solids/etc.], but I honestly just didn't feel like it was the right choice for us. [Co-sleeping/breastfeeding/etc.] is working really well."

[Taedareth]

Hmm. Maybe you can hit the high points in the first couple of days. Make a mental list of the subjects she's likely to wonder about (1) co-sleeping 2) delaying solids, etc.) and talk about them in the first few days. Then the rest of the visit can be spent just enjoying the time together. HTH!

[sparkygirl74]

My MIL did everything completely different then the way we do things, because that was "how it was done". She does ask questions, but is very sweet about it. She loves the way we are raising dd and wishes she had some kind support to do thing her way. I love being able to educate her about why we do what we do, and to tell you the truth, I think she loves to tell her firends and family about us and watch their faces. She loves to describe our diapers, and tell people that we are still nursing, and why. It cracks me up!

[Minnow_]

Good suggestions, everyone.

Breastfeeding (and delaying solids) is easy for me to talk about because there's so much evidence on the health benefits of it. Co-sleeping is something that just FEELS right, and as such, is harder for me to talk about rationally.

Amy, your simple idea is great, and Taedareth, I like the idea of bringing things up in the first few days.

One of the reasons I'm thinking about this is that my husband has already gotten the comment from her, in a sort of joking way on the phone, that Cailan will be sleeping with us forever. He always deals with it by joking along... "Hopefully he can sleep in his own room before he starts college."

[phoebemommy]

Butting in from another DDC to offer solidarity --

My baby's not even due until August, and MIL is already all up in our business -- in fact has been since we were engaged. I'm anticipating either a lifetime of it, or a real cooling of family relations. I know in her mind she's helping and that it's a big part of her self-fulfillment to get all involved in other people's affairs and right their wrongs, but it so rubs me the right way. I don't need someone to teach me the best way to fold things, wipe things, and choose things, I do just fine on my own. In fact, it steals the joy of discovery for me to have someone just directing me in everything new. I've been trying to forge an understanding with her over email, really earnestly trying to tell her what kind of person I am. I got to a certain point of her saying it's important to her to share her life experience, which I tried to validate by assuring her that I appreciate life experience and I'll certainly be asking her opinion when I need it, but that it's counterproductive for me to have a barrage of it (I used gentler words). Then everything went to heck when she found out what we're naming our son, and it was clear that she didn't get what I was saying at all. At this point, I'm through with diplomacy. I think I'm going in with confidence from now on, no holes for her to poke into, no vacuum for her to fill. I'm no longer going to answer her invasive questions with a placating nicey-nice tone, I'm going to instead explain that I feel invaded. Basically, I think it's more important to concern myself with my husband's and son's needs than hers. If she starts to offer me any peace gestures that actually strike me as such (not picking out clothes for me, which she has offered to do and has done numerous times), I will do the same. Luckily she lives 1000+ miles away, but we have a visit coming up too in a couple of weeks. Should be interesting.

So I got off on my own tangent there, but I really relate to what you're saying about her asking honestly interested questions. I know MIL is really interested in us and how we do things, I just can't get past the fact that her way of phrasing and approaching things is very judgemental in tone. It's like she has no idea making declarations about what's right and wrong puts people off. If we get defensive, she'll say it's just her opinion and that we don't have to take it, but why phrase it so authoritatively if it's just an opinion? I think there's a way to ask that makes it very clear that the asker is just curious, and that a very different intent is implied when there's an edge of judgement. I think MIL's worldwide should have to take a class in this.

[amygoforth]

Well, for what it's worth Heather, my oldest slept with us until his second birthday last July. I never really worried that he'd sleep with us forever (I got those comments too), but he was getting way too flip-floppy, and I knew the baby would be with us in our bed and I felt it was time to transistion him to his own room and bed. Our transition went so smoothly. I redid his room one weekend while he was with his grandparents, and surprised him with his own "big boy room." Worked like a charm. He's been in there ever since. We still lay down with him on his bed to get him to sleep at night, but he's great about staying in there. I think it's because he's never been afraid of sleep or the dark, so he's at peace in there, just as he was peaceful in our bed.

I know not all parents have this kind of experience, but you can use me as a co-sleeping success story. :-)

[kir]

Originally Posted by Minnow_

He always deals with it by joking along... "Hopefully he can sleep in his own room before he starts college."

My DH jokes about me fed-exing EBM to our babes in college hahaha

[kir]

PS I'm TERRIFIED of my IL's visit at the end of this month

[maddysmama]

I find it helpful to remind myself to assume the intentions of the person who is questioning are good. It's hard w/my stbx-IL's, tho. It helps me to provide a more gentle answer.

As far as co-sleeping, maybe you could mention that humans have done it for most of history. Kids eventually want their own space. I hope to have at least a few more years of co-sleeping w/dd(5.5yo) & ds(22mo). Some of my warmest, fuzziest memories are of falling asleep/waking up with my cuties.

[LittleLlama]

Heather s:
I have that kind of MIL (in some regards), but sh'es on the other side of town so we see her often. That's been a blessing and a pain. Pain because there have been so many opportunities for her to try and interject her parenting ideas, but blessing because each time I got too tell her how WE do things and why so those points are drilled into her thinking. (iow- I've beat her over the head with them )

If she's anything like my MIL, she's stubborn as all get out, but she does understand "Well, that's just the way we do things".

[xmasbaby7]

Fortunately my MIL is like me and my own family is like your MIL.

My sweet grandmother is the one who questioned bf and cosleeping every day in the beginning. It was really tough. But once she saw us parent and met our daughter, she could tell we were doing a really good job. She is an easy baby who never gets fussy, and I credit AP.

So when my grandmother asks why I am doing things so differently, I leanred it is easiest to turn the vonversation away from my specific choice and make it a bigger issue.

Say something like this, "You know , it is interesting how parenting advice has chaged so much for each generation. It seems that my generation's biggest trend is less about stressing independence early with solids and sleeping and more about promoting a more natural, historical turn of the century approach. I thought some of the ideas seemed appealing so I am trying attachment parenting, and I have to say it feels right and I love my choices."

If she keeps suggesting her own style, just smile and say firmly "Mmm., that really doesn't work for me." and LEAVE IT AT THAT.

However, a happy baby who is thriving with your choices is your best defense. If your baby doesn't seem to like something you always do (how you give him a bath, etc.), the LISTEN to her. Maybe she has a good idea.

The key to good parenting in our household is only keep repeating something that works. If we hold onto an idea of how we should do something when it isn't working, we are just being stubborn.

Have a great time, and the first visit will be the most awkward. You are best showing her who is boss right up front and letting her help where you may need it.

[aisraeltax]

maybe you could print out some stuff for her and let her read it if you get flustered easily (i do sometimes when talking to friends).
just a thought...or if you have the Sears' books.

[persephone3]

*sending good visit vibes*

my MIL and FIL and BIL visited one week after dd was born. i was really apprehensive about their visit, because i didn't even know how they did things when my husband and his brother were born. i found out later that MIL never breastfed and the babies always slept in their own cribs. but you know what? MIL was - and has continued to be - curious but supportive. so i hope this goes better than you think it will, just like it did for me.