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need a hug? all those who didnt have the birth they wanted, please share a group hug! - Page 2

post #21 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AtThePark
Hi guys - just got back from the hospital and obviously haven't changed my sig.

I had an amazing home labor - and was a few pushes away from a waterbirth when I told my midwife there was no way the baby was coming out!

18 hours later another c-sec - I have some rarer than rare BNDL ring or some such thing and my son was stuck so much in my pelvis the OB's had the hardest time getting him out.

I'm not feeling down yet about my not-quite-an-HBAC because the labor was so amazing and healing and powerful and my midwife was sure we did all we could.

c-sec recovery is the pits!! As is knowing with this uterine band I'll only ever be able to c-sec in the future - they think it's why my ds#1 was breech.

So add me to the hug!!!!
Oh, honey!!! Huge hugs. You can totally still mourn it. I can TOTALLY get how labor helped though!! I would love to have experienced that. And sure do plan on it next time!

Thanks to everyone. Reading this really helps!

I had an awesome traumatic birth therapist, and REALLY recomend it. One of the coolest things was she actually pointed out that it's not really the c-s that really sent me over the edge, it was how we were treated in the hospital. Amazing. All things considered, I even find myself feeling that I *did* birth Brady! That astounds me. Every time I hear the first song on our birthing CD, I remember being in the OR, getting ready, and I actually SMILE! Blows me away. I guess meeting Brady for the first time really just trumped that for me.

Now, on days when my incision is hurting, or I feel sad that I'm not able to be up and about more yet, then I get mad about the C-S. I had a few days last week when I started beating myself up over not "trying more" or harder to get him to turn... but then, I remembered what it was like when we were there... and how in tune with Brady I was, and how I knew that he wasnt going to turn.... that he'd turned for a reason. It was 3 am, and I was up.. sitting in his room, talking to him, my hand on his head... and I felt this overwhelming "Mommy, I am sorry, but this is how it needs to be. I love you, and it will all be ok." THAT was the night before we went for the u-s to see if they could try an external version. In the shower the next morning, I told DH-- it isnt going to happen... but all through the u-s, I was so peaceful... omg, even though u-s was one of those things I never wanted.... I just sat there, loving my babe, and knowing that the end result was going to be as it needed to be... as it was ment to be.

I am sure that about 500 people on MDC would try to tell me that this is BS, that I should have told the Docs and MWs that I wanted to wait til 42 weeks and keep trying maxa and webster.... but *I* know that it wouldnt have made a difference, and might have led to worse things (like, oh, water breaking with nothing engaged in my pelvis, for example--yikes). ANYHOW.... long rambeling from me!

I've decided that I am going to find some way to support women who have had any experience surrounding birth that wasnt ideal. It happens so often, gals! And yes, it is upsetting... but we can get thru it and be all the stronger for it! Anyhow....

MORE HUGE HUGS FOR ALL!!!!
xoxoxoxoxox
Jess
post #22 of 30
It seems that our births, ideal or not, have so much to teach us if we are open to it. Jess, I am in awe of the perspective you have already gained from a situation that was so polar-opposite from what you wanted. Maybe other women would have made other choices, but by remaining in touch with your babe and your body you can know that you made the best decision for your situation...and you can be proud of that You will continue to process this for a long time, but thanks for sharing your journey with us
post #23 of 30
Hi there,

Can I join in on the group hug?

Sophie was going to be my "healing" birth, my long-awaited, home waterbirth baby. I'd already had two premature (33 and 31 weeks), traumatic, highly medicalized vaginal births , then two full-term, but still more hospital intervention than I wanted vaginal births, and so I made the deliberate choice to seek out a wonderful hb mw and do a ton of "inner" work to make my last birth experience as different and empowering and wonderful as possible. We had a homebirthing party, made a welcome banner for our new baby, decorated candles to burn during labor, decided where to put the birthing tub. My other children were so excited to get to be a part of the birth of their baby sister!

Then, on an otherwise unremarkable Thursday morning, at 35 wks. along, Sophia stopped moving, and all my plans and dreams came to an abrupt end. I ended up having an emergency c/s a short while later. It was utterly terrifying. Sophie almost died, needed to be resuscitated and intubated. I was spread-eagled on an operating table, having stitches and staples put into me while listening to the doctors and nurses frantically working on my baby. An hour later, while I was still in recovery, miserable and worried and developing an itching, spreading rash from the narcotics, the neonatologist came in and told me that Sophia most likely had Down Syndrome.

It was simply too much to process in such a short time: I went from dreaming of a hwb w/a full-term, healthy baby to the reality of having an emergency c/s w/a premature, sick baby who was born with a genetic defect.

The last three weeks have been really, really hard.

I've largely pushed my grief over my birth experience deep down, b/c Sophie is still in the NICU and dealing with the twilight zone of life between hospital and home has consumed all my available energy for the moment. But whenever I think about it, about my incision scar, when I bend over too quickly and wince, or look at my maternity clothes, or see those damned candles my children decorated with such love and enthusiasm, I start to cry. Then I feel immediately guilty, b/c I know without a doubt that the c/s saved her life. How can I hate something that allowed my baby to live? But I'm still so, so sad...

Guin
post #24 of 30
Im a 2002 mama but I wanted you give you all a
My birth experience was dissapointing and traumatic..It did however teach me what I do and do not want to do next time..
post #25 of 30
I wish I'd had a birth at all . I had two miscarriages, then adopted dd, who if any of you know me at all, is the baby soulmate to my mama soul .

It was meant to be, and it was exactly right. But I read your birth stories with sadness a little jealousy. I wish I could have carried my baby!

Don't be sad, mamas. There are lots of ways to find the tiny soul meant to be nurtured by our hearts .
post #26 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guinevere
Hi there,

Can I join in on the group hug?

Sophie was going to be my "healing" birth, my long-awaited, home waterbirth baby. I'd already had two premature (33 and 31 weeks), traumatic, highly medicalized vaginal births , then two full-term, but still more hospital intervention than I wanted vaginal births, and so I made the deliberate choice to seek out a wonderful hb mw and do a ton of "inner" work to make my last birth experience as different and empowering and wonderful as possible. We had a homebirthing party, made a welcome banner for our new baby, decorated candles to burn during labor, decided where to put the birthing tub. My other children were so excited to get to be a part of the birth of their baby sister!

Then, on an otherwise unremarkable Thursday morning, at 35 wks. along, Sophia stopped moving, and all my plans and dreams came to an abrupt end. I ended up having an emergency c/s a short while later. It was utterly terrifying. Sophie almost died, needed to be resuscitated and intubated. I was spread-eagled on an operating table, having stitches and staples put into me while listening to the doctors and nurses frantically working on my baby. An hour later, while I was still in recovery, miserable and worried and developing an itching, spreading rash from the narcotics, the neonatologist came in and told me that Sophia most likely had Down Syndrome.

It was simply too much to process in such a short time: I went from dreaming of a hwb w/a full-term, healthy baby to the reality of having an emergency c/s w/a premature, sick baby who was born with a genetic defect.

The last three weeks have been really, really hard.

I've largely pushed my grief over my birth experience deep down, b/c Sophie is still in the NICU and dealing with the twilight zone of life between hospital and home has consumed all my available energy for the moment. But whenever I think about it, about my incision scar, when I bend over too quickly and wince, or look at my maternity clothes, or see those damned candles my children decorated with such love and enthusiasm, I start to cry. Then I feel immediately guilty, b/c I know without a doubt that the c/s saved her life. How can I hate something that allowed my baby to live? But I'm still so, so sad...

Guin

oooh, sweetie. i can not even begin to imagine. huge huge hugs, and i hope sweet S can come home soon!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
post #27 of 30
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make light of anyone's feelings or my own. I really regret that I had to be induced with pitocin and super duper regret that I took an epidural. In true fashion I blame that epidural and therefore myself for our nursing problems. I am ashamed that I decided to ask for anasthesia on only the second pitocin contraction. Those are my regrets.
post #28 of 30
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Citykid
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make light of anyone's feelings or my own. I really regret that I had to be induced with pitocin and super duper regret that I took an epidural. In true fashion I blame that epidural and therefore myself for our nursing problems. I am ashamed that I decided to ask for anasthesia on only the second pitocin contraction. Those are my regrets.


more hugs to all!!!

Witty-- aw, thanks, chica! Brady is such a sunny baby-- I give him the credit.
post #29 of 30
hugs to all you mamas

i need a hug too

my birth was great, but sadly after my dd was born she had complications, to later find out she neded surgery on her digestive track.

1/2 of her intestines were dead and they removed them, i thought i was going to die the first 48 hours, since being born she's had 4 surgeries(1 a emergency)

she is at a childrens hospital, in the ICU, she is in stable conditon now, but we count our blessing daily.

this is our first baby, and it beaks my heart to be away from her..each day
post #30 of 30
I haven't even posted since I've given birth. I also unfortunately had a C Section. I have come to terms with it though, I think it was borderline unavoidable. I did labor naturally for about 42 hours, progressed to 6 cm and then went back to 4!!! I then was four cm having awful contractions for hours and hours after that. Transferred from the birth center to the hospital for Pitocin and still didn't progress more than 10 hours after that. Baby was posterior and had the cord around his neck and just wouldn't descend
He was a big guy too!!! 10 lbs 2 oz. Not sure if that had anything to do with it...his head wasn't abnormally large or anything
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