or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Gentle Discipline › Modified time-out (I think) - is this GD or not?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Modified time-out (I think) - is this GD or not? - Page 3

post #41 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
Do you all ever use humor and teasing? I find myself using this ALOT and it seems to keep everything not so serious and maintains a good natured quality to our interactions.
Yep, and ita. I just wrote about it on another thread.
Sometimes I get all dramatic or mock-mad (trust me, he can totally tell the difference! even a tiny bit of "real" mad makes him cry), and it definitely diffuses situations and keeps things easier.
I find that whatever it was, the "positive attention" (or whatever) does not make him more likely to do it again. I think it helps him NOT do it again, because, for one, I'm not causing a power struggle. I'm also not leaving him in the situation to "fail" and therefore see himself as someone who is apt to do what I ask him not to do.
What he sees is that, with my help, he did the socially acceptable thing.
post #42 of 131
for me, I only use consequences like removing dd from the situation when the situation really HAS to have this response - ie. when I can think of nothing else that I can do/say
for me, pressing the button on the dryer would not be this type of situation - so the mild threat or implied threat that she will be removed would not really be the thing for me to do here - instead I would make the button or the room the dryer is in inaccessible to her ie. lock the door or tape the button
otherwise I would use a total ignoring type of tactic - so next time she pushes the button I would remove myself to somewhere else in the house and do something interesting until she gets totally fed up of pushing the button and getting NO reaction whatsoever from me.....
I am pretty sure that after a couple of times of getting no response she will just drop it
post #43 of 131
I think if your dc is doing whatever because he is just genuinely interested in it - likes to hear the buzzer on the dryer, for instance, then ignoring probably won't have much effect.

If he's doing it to get your attention (probably most likely), then ignoring will probably work eventually, but won't do much in terms of enhancing the closeness and bonding between the two of you. I don't really think it's an egregious withdrawal of affection, but it's not really a positive action either.

I like redirecting much better when possible. Think of the dryer buzzer as a little alarm button that dc is pushing when he needs to let you know that he's feeling neglected. When you're able to, you could go over, sweep dc up in your arms and say 'EXCUSE ME! I don't think you're supposed to be doing that! Take this!' and blow some razzberrys on his belly. Take him into the other room and sit for a minute or two while he gets engaged in another endevour.
post #44 of 131
E&A's mom: you're right. I read that post wrong. Sorry!

blessed: ITA with the humour thing. It has saved my sanity on more than one occasion. It's hard when you don't feel like being funny, but then I find if I make the effort, it totally destresses ME, too.
post #45 of 131
Quote:
Do you all ever use humor and teasing?
I find humor can diffuse so many situations! My dc, in most instances, respond to silliness and my not-all-that-funny-off-the-wall humor

I really dislike teasing though. Could you explain in more detail what you mean by teasing in a parenting context?
post #46 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by BohoMama
HOLY BUCKETS!!!!!! YOU LET YOUR CHILD PLAY WITH EXPOSED WIRES IN A PLACE WHERE WATER SPLASHES AROUND?????
Only if I can't find any scissors for him to run with.
post #47 of 131
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heffernhyphen
Only if I can't find any scissors for him to run with.


Do you all ever think that maybe we overthink this stuff a bit much? I mean, really, my bond with my child isn't going to be severed, her sense of self worth eternally depleted, because I walk out of the room when she pushes the dryer button.

Some of the stuff in this thread is really, really useful. But I also feel like, it is not THAT big of a deal that I pick her up and put her on the sofa, kwim? I am a loving mama, she knows she is loved and respected.
post #48 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama


Do you all ever think that maybe we overthink this stuff a bit much? I mean, really, my bond with my child isn't going to be severed, her sense of self worth eternally depleted, because I walk out of the room when she pushes the dryer button.

Some of the stuff in this thread is really, really useful. But I also feel like, it is not THAT big of a deal that I pick her up and put her on the sofa, kwim? I am a loving mama, she knows she is loved and respected.
post #49 of 131
Thismama, your dd reminds me of someone. I can't quite place my finger on it .... I bet Cynthia Mosher would know.

My dd loves a good power struggle. She even loves a mediocre one. She finds them entertaining; I find them draining and occasionaly infuriating. Therefore, it is MY interest to avoid power struggles as much as possible. Arguing about something (commonly called "testing") is an end unto itself for some strong willed kids. They like to flex their muscle.

What works for us is this:

- For the important stuff, once she knows I don't want her doing certain things, I calmly and with little to no words remove her from the situation. We don't do a time out, but we will leave the problem. The challenge for me is to be as matter of fact as possible, because if she sees that I'm willing to engage in a power struggle, she'll persist in doing what I don't want her to do.

- For mediumly important stuff, I grit my teeth and do my best to ignore or prevent it. My best is still improving. I tend to snap when yet another mess has been made on purpose. I know the more zen I get, the less she'll do things to provoke me.

- For small stuff, I let it slide. Its a chilly morning and you want to run around the backyard naked? Have at it.

Honestly, your dd sounds like a hoot. The world needs strong-willed confident women. Too bad that raising them is so hard. :
post #50 of 131
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dechen
Honestly, your dd sounds like a hoot. The world needs strong-willed confident women. Too bad that raising them is so hard. :
Yeah, it's true, my kid freaking rocks. I love love love her, she is hilarious and full of life and very much her own person.

I think I need that bumper sticker, "Question authority... but not your mother."
post #51 of 131
thismama, I am totally with you. I think you are doing a great job, and i know it must be difficult as a single mom in a small space...you probably can't close the door to the dryer room!

Have you tried just letting her go crazy pushing the button for as long as she wants? Maybe she'll get tired of it... or maybe she won't! My 20 month old loved to turn light switches off and on (we have one low down where he can reach...this house was obviously not built by a parent of a 2 year old) We would always try to distract him or take him away, but finally just let him go nuts with it. And now he is completely bored with it. Also, maybe if you unplugged the dryer so that pushing the button wouldn't do anything? that would probably be pretty boring too.
post #52 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
...my bond with my child isn't going to be severed, her sense of self worth eternally depleted, because I walk out of the room when she pushes the dryer button
No, it probably won't. And I think that applies to most of the mamas on this board. After all, none of us are perfect, and we all screw up, so whether we are screwing up because we know better but just don't have it in us at that moment, or because we think in this case it really is the way to go...well, kids are flexible.

I guess the reason we argue the small stuff here is because it helps with the overall picture and probably illustrates to newbies some of what GD is about in theory, kwim?
post #53 of 131
Quote:
Do you all ever think that maybe we overthink this stuff a bit much?


Yes, but, to rephrase Socrates: an examined life is worth living

to all the loving mamas in GD
post #54 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama
Do you all ever think that maybe we overthink this stuff a bit much?
I was just saying the other day, I never thought I'd think so hard about being a parent, and about semantics, the subtleties of language, and intent...but it's so true.

AND, I think that a lot of the nitpicky discussions that we have here have helped me work through things I wasn't so sure of, and change my views on some things I thought I was sure of!

Also agree with Piglet68 that soem of these more detailed discussions can help out newbies too - I was one of them once!!
post #55 of 131
I have a friend who uses this approach with her 5 yo son. And when he refuses to "find someplace else to play" for whatever reason, she will jump in very swiftly, take his hand or pick him up, whichever is more appropriate at the time and say, "I see you need help finding something else to do. Here, let me help you."

It works! He gets mad for a minute, but she just tells him, "If you can do this (leave the park, put your book away, whatever) peacefully, then we'll have more time for xyz later." And she follows through.

I also wanted to comment on the "threat" aspect - I don't feel like what you're doing is threatening. As a pp said, threatening implies danger, or something not to be followed up on. I feel like what you are doing is explaining your expectations to your child and telling your child what will happen if your expectations are not met. And that serves as a warning as well, giving her the opportunity to stop herself (which she will learn to do once gets the hang of this impulse control thing). I honestly think your approach is very acceptable - it seems very gentle to me. You're removing her from the situation and comforting her when she objects. I do that, too. If my ds runs out in the parking lot, I tell him it's not safe to do so and take him inside. He doesn't like that either and screams bloody murder, but I hold him and love him and let him cry, and I know that what I'm doing is right for us.

Since you have concerns, it seems maybe there might be some tweaking you might want to do for your routine, only for your own peace of mind. I don't think you're causing any harm to your kiddo or your relationship with her though. Good luck in finding something that works for both of you!
Quote:
Originally Posted by PatchyMama
I would do away with the "if you do this I am going to do this." What about rephrasing it to something like this:

Please do not push the dryer button - it can break the dryer to push it when we are not using it.
*she pushes dryer button again*
If you keep pushing the dryer button you will have to find a new place to play
*she pushes the button again*

Then directly redirect her and move her somewhere else (the couch, wherever). That way its not about what you are going to do TO her. I actually don't know if that will help, it was just an idea, LOL. Honestly I would probably do this:

Please do not push the dryer button - it can break the dryer to push it when we are not using it.
*she pushes dryer button again*
Move her somewhere else and give her something else to play with.
post #56 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by georgia
I really dislike teasing though. Could you explain in more detail what you mean by teasing in a parenting context?
Sorrry, I blew by this earlier.

Teasing can be mean spirited and passive aggressive, can't it? That's not what I'm talking about with dd.

An example would be, carrying her away from whatever mischief she's into, setting her on the couch. Then announcing to dh 'have you seen dd? I seem to have lost track of her' and sitting down so that dd is pinned into the cushion. Then we'll go on with 'dd? Puppy, have you seen dd? Dd! Where are you?' the entire time of which she is giggling loudly behind my back. At some point she'll stick her head around and say 'boo!' and we exclaim 'there you are!' and smother her with kisses.

Or swooping her up, tossing her head first over one shoulder and announcing 'what's this sack of potatoes doing out here? I'd better go put it in the cupboard.'

I would never do teasing that was belittling or hurtful to dd.
post #57 of 131
I do not believe a threat is only attached to danger. If I threatened to throw away dd's favorite toy or to make her sit on the stairs for 5 minutes, it is still a threat. And if I carry it out, it is still punishment. A threat and a warning can be the same thing but sometimes is not. A warning can be a way to give someone a heads up......."I am about to throw up", "A thunderstorm is coming your way", "the car is almost out of gas", etc..... A threat is a warnign that a parent attaches artificial consequences to. And artificial consequences are a nice way of saying punishment.

So really what it boils down to is whether or not you (collective you) believe that punishment has a place in the way you choose to parent and whether you feel it is gentle. I do not. However, there is no definition of gentle parenting. That is a very personal decision. The OP asked whether her method for dealing with certain "problem behavior" was gentle or not. Well, that depends on your definition of gentle. In my book, no. However many have chimed in that they do feel it fits within thier definition.
post #58 of 131
Well, what is overthinking to some, can be crutial distictions for a child.

I think that children's perception is incredibly subtle, perhaps because they are so enmeshed in our attitudes and such. They are aware of their complete dependence on us. To me, thinking to this degree about how they perceive my actions - both overt and subtle - is simply honoring their depth of undertanding.

I don't think that all is lost in the relationship if Mama walks out of the room, or even if she loses her temper sometimes. And it's all about what is said about this and what comes after. Those are the subtleties that make or break a bond IMO.


As an example, for those of you who may have been abused as children, do you remember just how subtle the signs could be to let you know what was coming? Do you remember the level of detection you were capable of? I remember the slightest, nearly imperceptible changes in my father's face telling me how that day would be.
post #59 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by thismama


Do you all ever think that maybe we overthink this stuff a bit much? I mean, really, my bond with my child isn't going to be severed, her sense of self worth eternally depleted, because I walk out of the room when she pushes the dryer button.
no, but I think that the "overthinking" can help change a difficult, stressful discipline situation into a fun, teaching moment.
post #60 of 131
Quote:
Originally Posted by aira
As an example, for those of you who may have been abused as children, do you remember just how subtle the signs could be to let you know what was coming?
I think you're right about some cases in which kids are unusually sensitive or vulnerable.

My dd is exceptionally sensitive to any perceived rejection or abandoment, which probably has its roots in her first year as an institutionalized orphan.

I remember when she was first home with us and was largely preverbal. She was lying in papa's lap, calm and relaxed, and I walked over to hand papa the phone. I turned to walk away and she just flipped out - screamed like she was in pain, arched her back, flopped around... We were totally surprised. I turned back around and she immediately reached for me, wrapped herself around my neck, sobbing inconsolably 'mama...mama...mama...'

Sometimes in bed she'll stress out if I turn my head facing away from her on the pillow. She'll anxiously sit up and try to look in my face, saying 'mama? mama?'

So, I would never use physical separation as a teaching method or discipline with her. That would just be a dagger through her heart and I think would cause far more harm than good. Not to say that it would necessarily be a wrong technique with a child who wasn't dealing with attachment anxieties.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Gentle Discipline
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Gentle Discipline › Modified time-out (I think) - is this GD or not?