help...i' m freaking out!!!

[ottermonkey]

okay, so my partner and i had a baby 6 months ago....ds is the light of my life and i love every minute i spend with him.

dp has a dd who just turned eight. i am a sahm to my ds, dp's dd lives with her mother most of the year...we get a few weekends....but she will be with us for the whole summer which means that i will be her primary care provider all day everyday.

she is a sweet girl, i have known her for half her life, she loves her brother but is a little uncertain about me (not her fault....dp and i have split and reconciled many times over the last four years) she is very open to the idea of having a step-mom and i can't see too many more years going by before dsd will blow off her mom and wan't to live full time with her dad.

i am absolutely dreading this summer....selfishly i don't want to give up the intimacy that i have with my ds getting 1-1 attention all the time, and while i love dsd i don't always like her......(again not her fault but a product of her environment over the years)

how do i move past my dread to prepare for this summer?

help me please!!!!

thanks

[kyangel80]

I'm not sure what to say. I have a step child who spends alot of time with us. It's difficult b/c I sah and so during the summer I have him every other week. Thing is I have my daughter from my first marriage every other week throughout the summer too, except opposite of my dss. That means instead of getting a week to myself I spend it with dss. If I would like some time to myself(not actually to myself as we also have a 2yo and a 10mo) then we schedule around that with the other parents. The way I talk to myself about it and rationalize it is that I would never be child free on my off week anyway so no loss there, and that my dss needs to spend time with his siblings in order to form a strong bond with them. I know that they will be life long friends and strong support systems for each other for the rest of their life. Also, eight year old girls are usually great with little ones. I know my almost 7 yo helps out alot with the younger 3, not b/c I ask her to or make her, just natural instinct to protect our herd If you can get your mind around it, I think it will turn out great. Also, think of the great influence you will be on her for an entire summer(you mentioned her other "environment" and I know exactly what you mean ). You will be positively impacting her for the rest of her life. You will be making a good investment and I promise you won't regret it no matter what. Good luck.

[MommyMine]

I think most sm's after they have their own baby feel this way for a time about the skids. It is hard to share your time.

I must admit that when I had my second child I felt like this towards my older child and the time he took from my younger one and I but I also felt sad for the loss of intamacy in the relationship with the older child. I think the only reason I never felt this for the skids is we never had that kind of intimate relationship of a bio kid.

So I guess what i am saying is this is a normal feeling for a mother of two- compounded by step stuff.

My advice is to just do it. There is nothing to do but do it and do it you will. It will be fine, you will still get time with your baby and you will find you can do it all good enough. You will get your house alone again when the skids are gone. There isn't really anything else to do.

And as you watch your skid interact with yoru baby and see the love blossom between them (and that really does happen during the long visits) you will find a love bloom in your heart for your skid that blows your mind! I must say I love seeing my skids treat my kids lovingly- I even love them having normal sibling rivalry!

[ottermonkey]

thank you both for the replies.

i know...i know....

i will just do it and even i think it will be just fine...maybe even fun....but it is a loss of sorts which i will grieve but dsd, ds, and i will probably all gain a lot too...

its just the anticipation creating the dread....

plus, being a mom to one is hard enough....how will i manage two?

[treereach]

They could end up totally adoring each other after awhile too. I bet with her being close to you and getting to spend time around the little one, you guys will have alot of fun. I don't have this exact situation, as my DS1 is with us full-time and I'm the bio mom of both kids. But I know DH (DS1's stepdad) really likes being with both of them together. They goof around alot and DS1 loves helping out, he likes to try getting the diaper changed totally by himself and helping DS2 up to things. I know your baby is just tiny yet, but they could end up having a really special bond as they grow older.

[ccohenou]

Being that she's 8, I don't think caring for two will be as difficult as with a toddler sib or anything. My 7yo stepdaughter is actually quite a help. Let her help you; enjoy doing things that your babe isn't interested in yet (parks and pool and such). You'll get into a rhythm...at least that's been my experience.

[Diane~Alena]

My 8 year old twins love babies. I bet your DSD will want to spend all day just loving her new brother. You can teach her games to play with him and take them both to the park. This can be good just stay positive and try to enjoy them both. I have 4 kids and I love watching them interact, it makes me day to see my children love their siblings. We all make a fuss about dirty diapers and laugh about how will take it out of the room. You may be suprised and miss her when she leaves.

[anitaj71]

Sign her up for some day camps. They are reasonably inexpensive and will give you a break. Yes, I know you can't put her into camps all summer . . . Do you know any moms with kids her age? Pack up and go to the lake with baby and kids. You get to visit and she won't be hanging around looking at you for something to do. ( She'll be too busy playing with other kids etc.)

It's tough having step kids when they come over it's like having company and it takes a while to get into the rythm of daily life with their 'energy' that they bring to your home.

Last of all breathe. Don't feel guilty if you put in front of a movie and go into another room with baby or by yourself if baby is sleeping.

I often find myself feeling guilty for the silliest of things - it's as if I have to be the 'perfect' stepmom for the kids ( I say yes too much then get resentful and wonder why I'm so grumpy and tired) so when you are trying too hard go talk to someone that has her own 8yr old or a bunch of older kids and get a reality check.

Then when you really need a break - leave stepdaughter and baby with dad and go get a massage.