tired of being in an unhappy marriage, afraid i can't cope being single ....

[stClaire]

I'm hardly able to cope as it is. I am depressed and my house is a pigsty, i lose my patience w/ the kids regularly . To add to that dh is also depressed and we tend to pull each other down.

I am really afraid that i won't be able to cope if i have to work full time (in a job that zaps my energy) I wasn't happy before when i worked more and on the days i wk i am left with *no* energy for dd & ds...ex/ i read the bedtime story really fast and just want to hurry so i can go downstairs and do something calm that nurtures me (selfish me).

We are putting an addition on our house , meant to maximize our space so dh is able to have a space for his stuff and his work (he is very disorganized and works at home) so we have a home equity loan and all of these plans. I feel trapped by those as well as kind of excited about the changes we are making, just frustrated...i feel like things have gone too far to go back. I feel only contempt for dh.

It breaks my heart to think of separating, but right now it feels like the only inevitable option. Also, how does one cope when still living together waiting to end the relationship?? Things blow up so easily, i feel like i have lost all of my grace, i hate how i can get when i'm with dh, also i'm so bored with the same old things over and over....

So, you all might be seeing alot more of me on the single parenting boards


Blessings to you all, Kelly

[madison]

Hey there Kelly -

I have no advice for you at all (sorry!) but I hope things change for the better - in whatever manner that might happen. Hang in there and do what you can to make positive small steps!

Madison

[stClaire]

Madison,

Thanks for replying

I almost erased this whole message bc i seem to be always complaining about something, i don't want to be perceived as such a negative person . Things are just hard around here lately and i think i just needed to let it out somewhere

Blessings, Kelly

[roundaboutchris]

Hey kelly, Man you seem like you need to vent! That's good girl, get it out! I can understand where your coming from because I just left a similar situation- Look ahead to the horizon because it will hold something better. It seems like you have a full plate, so here's my advice to you (take what you like and trash the rest) Try to simplify in the areas you can- talk with your dh about times he can be responsible for the kids and you can get the needed breaks you need- demand it! no doubt he takes them when he need them so you should do the same- communicate nice- Being single is a lot more time consuming, and definately harder! think looong and hard before making a decision like this it effects everyone in such a profound way...mostly the kids.
Maybe you could try different ways to improve life rather than change it altogether...make a chore list and employ everyone in the house to pitch in- for boredom...the only solution is to try something new Maybe for the whole family... Pack a picnic and load everyone in the car and take a day adventure...get into nature and see the pleasantries that are abundant around us. I know it's a lot easier for me to write than it is for you to do....I was there. Sometimes other peoples simple advice made me more unhappy- If you need to vent I'll listen.... Outside support is sometimes the mandatory! Keep on keeping on girl! You must regard whats ahead with keen senses and an open mind.
Good luck maybe we'll talk again! Christine

[stClaire]

Christine,

What a wonderfull post Thank you for that.
You're right, i have alot inside of me that i need to vent out...luckily though, DH is being so wonderfull, its like everything has turned around (which also gets me a bit suspicious )

Its very hard for me to think very clearly right now..partly bc it is Feb. and i get sooo depressed in the winter (that is a whole new thread though...long story)
I don't want to break up our family, i sometimes have very blunted feelings towards him and i worry that the love is dead. I realize that in my ultra-depressed state, i'm not thinking with clarity.
Lately i am only doing the essential life things (and leaving some of them out)

I don't want to be a downer, i know spring is coming.

Christine, thanks for supporting our family to stay together.

Blessings, Kelly

[stella]

kelly,

check out www.flylady.net
i don't know how to describe what it is without sounding sappy. it is really helping me get organized, energized and keep going in spite of winter blues. i hope it is helpful to you.

-stella

[Ceinwyn]

been there and futures good

I have two children and was married to a man who was depressed, drank many hours after I'd go to bed, and gambelled. I was home full time while he studied. I was living in a foreigh=n country with my family across the atlantic. I went through phases of blaming myself, justifying behaviour and allowing it to be covered up. I finally made the most difficult decision of my life and left him. I realised that the things I complained about two years ago I was still complaining about. I was a single parent of three. I began to hate him and hating the way it was changing me. I had no self esteem left, my confidence was in the gutter, and I had enough. I organised rented accomodation hired a van and moved while he was in class. I took two years of classes part time and am now doing my degree in midwifery. It's a bloody hard slog, but I never looked back. I was scared out of my pants and thought I'd never be with a man again because of my baggage. Believe me, that doesn't stop them! Did you like your man before? Does he respect the choices you make and the things you say? I thought about my kids to, and realised that the fighting was worse then the seperation. Can you visit someone for a weekend just to clear your thoughts? You can do whatever you believe in. You can't change other people's behaviour but you can change your own

[Ravin]

You sound a lot like my best friend, except it was trying to be a stay-at-home mom that was wearing her down. She got a full time job, and although it only increased their overall income by a small amount thanks to child care costs, it is helping (her salary is now more than her husband's) both their finances and her self esteem. I helped her clean her house, that helped, too.
Decide what you want and need out of life. If you can't get it within your marriage, then it's time to think about getting out. But first, I suggest seeing what you can do to improve both yours and your hubby's depression. Get counseling, both together and individually. People in the grip of depression don't always make the best judgement calls.