Anyone else having marital problems?

[earthie_mama]

My DH wants a divorce. I don't know if he meant it, but he sure is being an a**hole. I don't need this stress right now. And I admit I contribute 50% to every fight. I don;'t know what to do. I feel empty, I feel dying. We are supposed to be happy! WTF went wrong? How can we get this back? I just can't go through this....

[Spark]

I just saw this post on the front page. Couldn't read without

I'm so sorry you're going through this. May you feel peace and love!

[mamallama]

I'm so sorry,mama.

Can you run a deep bath and cry about it for a while?

[earthie_mama]

Originally Posted by mamallama

I'm so sorry,mama.

Can you run a deep bath and cry about it for a while?

That's funny, taking a bath was exactly what I was trying to do last night....he wouldn't let me relax, that;s how the fight got going......

[*~Danielle~*]

Hey Brie,

I can't pretend to know your situation or that I have the cure-all, but I will say that keeping and nurturing a relationship is the hardest, most self-sacrificing and eventually rewarding thing anyone can do. Maturity starts with the willingness to give of oneself.

Your dh may be freaking out a bit because of the new baby coming. Men get so stressed and worried in a different way then we do. They want to provide and protect and if they feel in any way inadequate of that, sometimes they just want to run and hide. He may be feeling not respected right now, he may be feeling overwhelmed. A couple things that I know help are:

a soft heart
Forgiveness of past wrongs
Don't bring up past grievances
Don't be critical
Don't have unrealistic expectations

Number one thing that helps my marriage is having a soft heart, which is very hard to do and I fail a lot. But not harboring anger and resentment will work a long way at helping you two figure out what is going on. Be open to just listening to him and not justifying or adding anything of your own. Asking your dh to open up with his thoughts and feelings is going to make him feel vulnerable and most men avoid that feeling at all cost. Make it a safe and comforting conversation for him to tell you what is going on in his mind. If you accuse or get defensive in any way, you can forget about knowing his thoughts. Trust me, I've made that mistake more than once, but the great thing is that there is hope. You just need to nurture this relationship like you would a wounded animal, with kit gloves and patience. I know what I'm saying is not going to be easy, but practicing this will be a lifelong ambition and marraige builder.

[earthie_mama]

Thanx for the great tips I have decided that today I will try my best to clean the house well (very important to him) cook a good dinner, as usual, and just be the best wife I can be. If he stills wants to leave, I guess I can deal with that, and I need the practice anyway, so whats the harm in trying right? He hasn't said much about this baby. He wasn;t surprised that I was pregnant. I'm not sure his feelings on this. I do hope he will talk to me when he comes home today. I never wanted to be this woman, you know? I am soooo not what I thought I would be, and I disgust myself at times. I have been improving though, but I wish more quickly.....

[LillyGrace'sMommy]

Hey!
I saw this on the front board too, and I just wanted to say Hugs to you mama! I am in the same boat....sort of.....I am 6 months pregnant, AND i have an 11 month old! My dh is being an a**hole too, and just making me pull my hair out. He has totally withdrawn from us, and all he does is play computer games. I even think he is having an affair. I really don't have any advice for you, except to say that I am thinking about you, and praying for you!

[*~Danielle~*]

What do you mean by you never wanted to by "this" woman and that you disgust yourself?

I know I disgust myself in that I have a sharp tongue and am quick to be angry and I cut my dh down way too much. I know I disgust myself because I've let myself go physically over the last 5 years. But I am working on those things now. Nobody is perfect, and hating ourselves is definitely not the answer. I think it is healthy to want to improve in some areas, but don't beat yourself up.

[earthie_mama]

hugs to you!! Thanx for your thoughts and prayers, I will be doing the same for you momma

[earthie_mama]

Originally Posted by *~Danielle~*

What do you mean by you never wanted to by "this" woman and that you disgust yourself?

I know I disgust myself in that I have a sharp tongue and am quick to be angry and I cut my dh down way too much. I know I disgust myself because I've let myself go physically over the last 5 years. But I am working on those things now. Nobody is perfect, and hating ourselves is definitely not the answer. I think it is healthy to want to improve in some areas, but don't beat yourself up.

I'm trying not to beat myself up, but I never wanted to be the b*tchy, yelling, whining, naggin, begging, woman. I get way too worked up, and I've hurt my husband, I actually lash out physically at him somethimes. I was in a very controlling relations prior to meeting my DH, and I have high defenses. IF he is yelling, or name-calling, or invading my personal space, I get scared, and I lash out. All I've ever wanted is to be a good wife & a good mom, and to be loved and cherished, respected for it. I hope one day this will be the reality.

[gr8tfulmom]

mama, hope everything works out the way you want it to. The only thing I can suggest; stay away from the obvious triggers that you know of. There are a few things between dh & I that I know will cause a heated conversation/confrontation - his mama is one- if I keep my comments off those triggers we have a much easier time of it. Good Luck

FWIW, I didn't think I'd be this woman either, but dh is supportive of the woman I was then and the one I have become, I think that's essential to getting along.

[Zaxmama]

Oh Brie first let me just say.. the position he is putting you in just Sucks...but being the strong indepdant Mama you are is a good start. I know you love him even when he is being a butthead..we all do... is it possible he was having a wanker of a day and your were the straw that broke his back when you dared to want some "ME" time and take a bath??? I am sorry for the sarcasm but my DH gets this way sometimes.. you know cuz he actually works all day and I sit around and eat bon bons. try to take a step back and look at the big picture ..some days do stink most days are good..is this what you want out of life, or is something you can't live without..about 2 years ago..I had , had enough.. I took my DS and walked out on DH. got on a plane and flew across the country and started over. I got a job put ds in daycare and just did it... I was in a daze... about 3 months later my DH moved to my new town so he could be with us again... he realized he couldn't live without us and I realized the same.. we ended up making up and getting back together..and even still when we have a battle my fright and flight instincts kick in ( I have always been a runner) but I have to step back and look at the big picture.. maybe it wouldnt kill me to be a lil more stepford..seeing how he is working hard all day.. but it wouldnt kill him to be a lil Ward Cleaver when he gets home. slowly but surely things can get better it takes compromise and communication.. and I lil nookie never hurt..(for you or him) now this is all just my Opinion do with it what you will..if nothign else I hope it at least made you smile. if I had a nickel for eveytime we muttered the big Divorce word..we would both be rich.. so just sit him down and have a conversation with your Soulmate..and I will keep you in my thoughts..pm me if you want to talk more.

but most importantly..remember you are a strong woman and you can do anything. so take care of YOU!

(big hugs)

Jaime

[bethwl]

Well, dh and I are in counseling, but I don't consider us in any danger of a break-up. (Thank god, since I just found out I'm pregnant, hence the reason I'm hanging out in Jan 07 due date club.) But a book that we recently read and found enlightening was Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix (I think that's his name). But anyway, one of his first steps for wanting to work on your relationship is that you both commit to "closing the exit" for at least 3 months. Maybe if you can get dh to agree that he won't make any move toward divorce for at least that time, you can get a process of reconnection going.

[tannersmommy]

Brie, my DH and I have been in counseling for the last couple of months, too. I can't tell you how much it has helped, just to get our problems out in the open, to have an organized way to talk about things that are bothering us, and to work on learning better communication skills. If your DH is willing and this is an option for you guys, you might want to try it.

Originally Posted by bethwl

one of his first steps for wanting to work on your relationship is that you both commit to "closing the exit" for at least 3 months.

:
That advice makes a lot of sense to me. It might be a good place to start.

I wish you the best!

[Thalia]

First, just sending you

I also agree that counseling, or even just working through some exercises on your own can be very helpful. DH and I did 6 sessions of pre-marital counseling before we got married and learned a LOT, but we do a lot of tuning up on our own now, too. It sounds like you've realized that your former relationships might be impacting this one. That would be a very good area to explore, even if it is just on your own at first. We all need help understanding how our past relationships can affect our current one!

[tannersmommy]

As far as exercises, like Thalia was talking about, one that had a huge impact on us was writing each other a love letter about why we fell in love in the first place. Then we went out to dinner and read the letters. You know, in writing the letter, it took me back to that moment in time when the feelings were so strong and you didn't get bogged down yet by the day to day living "stuff." And in reading the letter that was written for me, it took away the fear that he didn't feel that way about me anymore.

This might be an easy one to try.

[earthie_mama]

Well, counseling is definately out, but we have both agreed to keep only positive energy in the house. He said he doesn't want to get divorced, he is just afriad one day we may take things too far if you kwim....I honestly think its getting better, so I'm not concerned about that. He has been really amking me feel very appreciated lately, and has even been doing the dishes, something I have NEVER seen him do. I think we're heading back in the right direction. Thanx for all your words of encouragement. I'll keep updating.

[newmomtoteen]

Originally Posted by earthie_mama

Well, counseling is definately out, but we have both agreed to keep only positive energy in the house. He said he doesn't want to get divorced, he is just afriad one day we may take things too far if you kwim....I honestly think its getting better, so I'm not concerned about that. He has been really amking me feel very appreciated lately, and has even been doing the dishes, something I have NEVER seen him do. I think we're heading back in the right direction. Thanx for all your words of encouragement. I'll keep updating.

Hi earthie mama I juat wanted to say that you are not alone. My husband and I just got into a bad fight he also wanted a divorce. The thing is he grabbed my wrist and pushed me against the wall this morning and I fought back. I am about 5 weeks pregnant and worried I don't know what to do. How do you get the strenght to put up with him. He called and said that he was sorry and that he didn't mean it. I am very upset should I forgive him. I hope all is better with you and your husband. i am thinking about you

Sylvia

[earthie_mama]

Originally Posted by newmomtoteen

Hi earthie mama I juat wanted to say that you are not alone. My husband and I just got into a bad fight he also wanted a divorce. The thing is he grabbed my wrist and pushed me against the wall this morning and I fought back. I am about 5 weeks pregnant and worried I don't know what to do. How do you get the strenght to put up with him. He called and said that he was sorry and that he didn't mean it. I am very upset should I forgive him. I hope all is better with you and your husband. i am thinking about you

Sylvia

Well, I think in my case it is a little different, as I have "created" my monster. I was very abusive to him for the first 6 months of my pregnancy before he ever retaliated. He now may instigate it, but I know he would not do that if I had not made him feel he had to. Not excusing it, but you kwim. If you have never done anything violent to him to make him feel 'trapped' or whatever it is my DH feels because of my abuse, then I think your problem is different. What exactly happened? Why did your fight escalate that way?

[newmomtoteen]

Originally Posted by earthie_mama

Well, I think in my case it is a little different, as I have "created" my monster. I was very abusive to him for the first 6 months of my pregnancy before he ever retaliated. He now may instigate it, but I know he would not do that if I had not made him feel he had to. Not excusing it, but you kwim. If you have never done anything violent to him to make him feel 'trapped' or whatever it is my DH feels because of my abuse, then I think your problem is different. What exactly happened? Why did your fight escalate that way?

well, he and I have been having problems with his son. Wednesday night I was on lthe phone with my sister and my step son way yelling at my husband. I asked my step son to respect the fact that I was on the phone and he than started yelling at me. I got very upset and told him to go to his room that I was not his father and that I was not going to put up with him disrespecting me. Before I knew it my husband had ran out of the run yelling and grabbing my wrist and pushing me around( here I'm pregnant) yelling that I should not disrespect him in front of his son. He said that when I made the comment that I was not his father that made him upset. I don't know earthie mama I am not going to back down. I am not going to have a 12year old call me names and yell at me. was I wrong?

Sylvia