Multiples and AP - Page 2

[GoodWillHunter]

I don't remember much of my twins first year . My DH was out of town for the most part, so it was up to me. I do know I had them sleeping with me for...well, all of the time. Now, they still sleep with me and DH and DS3. It's a crowded bed, but I like it.

[Piglet68]

Hey there, TwinMommy...look, I don't have twins and my heart goes out to you mamas. It must be really hard to stick to your ideals of AP when you are alone dealing with two at a time! But I did want to say something regarding your doubts about responding to your children and their future "independence".

I know it can be frustrating when you can't even go to the bathroom without them crying; when your DH finally offers to take them for a while but they only want you so you end up with no "me" time at all...in those moments I just remind myself of how important it is that DD's (she's 10 months old) needs be met at this critical time in her life. I'm reading a book right now that is not an AP book, but leans heavily towards child psychology and states quite emphatically that for the first 18 months (give or take a few months depending on the child) the child must have it's needs met consistently. It is during the next phase, from 18 months to about 3 years, that the child begins to venture away from the parent figure and explore the world. But in order for him to do so with confidence he MUST know that the parent is there whenever he wishes to return.

Imagine if someone took you into the deep end of a pool to teach you to swim, and refused to let you swim back to them to hold on when you got tired or a bit scared. If you know that you can return to their safety whenever you need to, you will venture out farther and farther away. If you cannot count on them to be there, you will not be concerned about exploring and learning to swim further and further; instead you will be worried and stressed and just focussed on whether you are going to drown or not. Thus it is with babies. They MUST know that the parent will always be there when they need them, then they are relaxed and confident and free to explore.

When someone makes a crack to me about how I am not "teaching her to deal with it" (my mother, for example) I respond with a few examples: by changing her diaper am I preventing her from learning to potty train? by carrying her from one room to another am I preventing her from learning to walk? by feeding her when she's hungry am I making her dependant on food? You see, emotional skills need developing just like physical skills do. They come when they are ready, and that's different for every child, but it will come. I know you probably already know this, but I find it helps to remember that from time to time.

Well, I've just written a novel here, haven't I? lol. I hope it helps!

[Periwinkle]

Piglet, thank you for your words of encouragement. I needed them. Your examples were also helpful to keep in mind!

I do think most of us with multiples have a very hard time being AP style consistently and continually. There are just choices that have to be made, prioritzation of who needs XYZ most, and so on. It's very frustrating because it brings up totally different issues than if you had a baby and a toddler.

With the passing of their first birthday, and all the celebration that entailed, I'm feeling renewed in my commitment to this style of parenting. I just wish their were more information out there about ways to do AP with multiples. MDC has been only source of info I've found.

[angie6]

Most of the moms have said it well. You have to change your idea of AP parenting some what with multiples. This was difficult for me at first and probably most others. Luckily my boy twin didn't require constant holding and wearing and was very content by himself or with a sibling. My twin daughter wanted constant attention and made it very difficult for me to accomplish anything in a day! I had such terrible feelings of guilt and still do for my other children, especially my then 3 year old who was home with me all day. It has gotten better but is still hard at almost 2 years of age. We do a mixture of their own beds and mostly co-sleeping and have always 100% breastfed (which was tough at times). We did not do cloth diapers. I remeber when they would fall asleep and Iwould put them in their swings I felt such relief. With all my other children I just wanted to sit and hold them. SO many things are different ths time around and simply had to be. Everyone is different I know but we all have to take one day at a time and make each day work for us in our own ways! Good luck!
Angie

[marblesmama]

Oh, Twinmommy, hang in there!
My ds and dd are a little over 2 1/2 now, and they both made it through the exact same stage your little ones are in. Of course, then one or the other of them would go right back into it, so for a while it felt like it would never end, but, really, it has. Stick with your instincts and your heart, and get as much help as you humanly can. I will admit that sometimes I just couldn't take it and would occasionally say, (ok, yell), "just cry" but it only made things worse.
To commiserate for a minute, I had found a free early childhood care program in my city, just for a few hours a week, which I put them in, not because I thought it would be great for them, but because I just needed to have a few minutes to myself. Well, most of the time I ended up being in there with them...either nursing one or both of them, or at the least being in the room where they could see me. And because "I wasn't fostering theire independence" they kicked me out of the program!! This was over a year ago, and I'm still steamed.
I am so glad that this forum exists, and wish that I had had this support and resource when things were so unbearably hard. Here are some of the things that we did/do to cope:
we have a fabulous double stroller (Inglesina) that we used as soon as I could hobble a half-block (after my c-section). That stroller literally saved my sanity, b/c both babies were soothed by it and almost always took their naps in it until last year.
I also followed the tactic of being really present for both babies, even if I could only hold one: we sang a lot, used their names a lot, verbally reassured them that I was here and would help as soon as I could, etc.
We had a "baby playground" everyday with pillows, blankets, etc. plus all of the things a mommy needs, and I would hold one with the other in the crook of my leg, or put them both down and play with them at the same time (one hand for each baby, lots of going back and forth, looking crazy!)
I also learned to nurse them both at the same time out of sheer necessity and still do it often.
We started out with them sleeping in a cosleeper right next to the bed, and when that stopped working at ~6 mos. (every time I'd nurse them to sleep, lay them down, and they'd wake up screaming), I started putting them right next to me (NO SPACE!) and that worked...so we got a really big bed, I learned how to nurse lying down, and we've been doing it ever since (ups and downs along the way, but worth it all).
Okay, this is way, way too long, but I hope some of it helps. I'm happy to answer any other specific questions instead of just rambling along!
Last note, my friend says all the stages spiral, and I think she's right...just when I think life has me at the very, very end of my rope, things calm down. And just when I get complacent about it, I can't be two feet away from them again...sigh.

[Theo's Mama]

Twinmommy,

I can sure understand where you are coming from. I haven't posted in months, wonder why? My girls are 6 1/2 months now, and it has become harder now that they recognize when I pick up one and not the other. My son who is almost four, however, is handling things much better now. I have incredible support, my mom comes for a week once amonth and my hubby comes home from work at 1 pm, when I leave the house for a few hours of peace and quiet (ie, work!) And I still feel crazy most of the time!

I don't see AP as all or none. I see it about forming the closest attachment with your kids as you can, and having the intention of being patient, tolerant, loving, invested in your child over other parts of your life, committed to listening, responding to their needs, but it is fine for them to learn that other family members have needs too and that we work together to meet each other's needs.

I have been reading "Playful Parenting," when I should be sleeping, but I love it. He has a wonderful metaphor for AP about filling your child's cup. It made me realize that when my cup is drained, I can't fill anyone else's. That made me realize that I have to do certain things, for me that means sleep (ok, just four hours ok?) and going to the bathroom when I need to! I have to realize that I CAN'T respond when everyone needs me at once, I can just try, and keep telling them all that I love them and I am trying my best. I think breastfeeding on demand goes a long long way towards forming a wonderful attachment, but, although I did cosleep with my first, there is just NO way I can get any sleep with twins in bed. I just want to SLEEP BY MYSELF for 3 or 4 hours at least, not even my dear snoring hubby.

I guess these things (working outside home, sleeping alone a bit, asking kids to sometimes wait a minute before I can get to them) might make me less than a 100% AP parent in the eyes of some, but for me, it makes all the difference between managing and losing my mind, and who can parent lovingly at that point?

Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Parenting multiples is even more so, and we have to be kind to ourselves about how we are doing and sometimes be able to let something go. For some, that might be letting cosleeping go, for others, pumping so someone else can feed every now and then, or whatever, but if it keeps us functional. . .

[Theo's Mama]

almost forgot: marblesmama, thanks for all the great tips. I use the "one in the crook of the leg" one too, and kind of feel like a mama monkey!

[laralou]

Theo's Mama, I am so glad that you are still alive. LOL!

I do think things have improved for me, but I do have the problem of the other getting jealous when I pick one up. I am sure I get judged when we are out and I am trying to comfort a baby without picking her up. They don't know from experience like I do that as soon as I pick her up, her previously peaceful sister will start to wail and then I'll have to leave.

I recently realized that I no longer feel resentful for having been blessed with twins (see stupid questions thread), so it must be getting easier.

Piglet, what book is that?

[laralou]

Twinmommy, I agree with everyone else that it is just their developmental stage. You aren't hurting them by responding to them.

I kind of know how it feels. If Tristyn is awake, she has to be in my arms constantly. Tabitha will play on the floor a bit, but not Tristyn. At least it is only one. I don't know what I will do if they both get like that. I save up all my stuff for when ds can help or when they both are napping.

[Theo's Mama]

Hey Laralou!

Glad things are better. You've been on my mind, but I've been crazy busy. Will email one day. Funny to hear that you are trying to settle one without just picking up because then the other will wail. I didn't realize until just a little bit ago that I was doing that, when a friend went to pick one up and I started to say, "Don't, her sister will cry then too!" not realizing I could hold one too. Seems to me one is needy in the morning and one in the afternoon. DH thought one much more clinging and I thought the other was, until we realized it was who was caring for them at the time of day.

Paige

[gcopeley]

It has been a while since anyone has posted here so I thought I would. Today, at this moment I am very glad I try to attachment parent with twins as much as possible. I am currently living in an area that little AP is practiced but so many people have commented how secure, happy, content, and many other positive things our children are. It is such hard work giving so much to a 3 1/2 yr old and to 2 babes but I think it is worth it.