Introverted child & speech suggestions?

[jlpumkin]

I'll try to make this short... This is definitely a sore spot for me right now and I think I'm a bit more emotional about it than necessary so I need some suggestions from mom's who have been there. My daughter is 3 almost 4. She is an introvert - spitting image of her dad. Honestly I struggled with this at first as I've always been pretty extroverted. But I can securely state now that I embrace the wonderful little girl she is... introvert and all.

The problem is I'm fighting against everyone in this. She attends preschool 2x per week for a couple of hours. Initially this was started because she had a stutter and the speech therapist suggested it as a way of improving communication skills. It has helped greatly. However at preschool they continually want to force her to participate in large group discussions. They say she needs to come out of her shell and it will improve her speech more. When I ask how she does in small groups they say she does fine and participates. Well to me that means that she's just more comfortable in a small group and I see nothing wrong with that.

Today we stop at the dr for something totally unrelated and the dr goes on about her speech. Well we're military so we rarely see the same one - so it's a new one. And she won't speak to her, or if she does she uses a kitty voice - the alter ego that comes out when my daughter is in an uncomfortable situation. So I spend the visit defending my daughters ability to speak since this dr can't understand her: . I try to prep dd to use her little girl voice when we get in there and it seems like she will then bam she mouses right up as soon as the dr walks in.

How have other parents of introverts handled all of this pressure on kids to be joiners and outgoing? Don't get me wrong around the house or people she knows she's a chatty cathy - I just want to get off the defensive. Suggestions please? We thought of switching preschools but don't want to change her environment too much as she just got comfortable there.

Jeepers this got long... thanks for listening!!!

[LynnS6]

Hi,

I had to post because our son, now 5, sounds very much like your daughter (without the stuttering). He simply does not participate in large group activities.

My first reaction is that I would be concerned that the preschool seems to want to push her. Just how the heck is it going to make her language improve if she's uncomfortable? I might also mention to them that stress can make stuttering worse (I don't know if the stuttering has resolved or not).

My son's schools (he's in daycare 3x a week, and he went to preschool at our church 2x a week last year) were VERY good about letting him participate at the level where he's comfortable. So our church preschool teachers worked one-on-one with him, and in large group had him come do things where he could be in front of the group, but not have to say anything. Similar strategies work at daycare too -- they actually had him work one-on-one with a teacher last year to "write" stories so that he could "get his words out" but in no way shape or form did they insist he speak up in front of the group.

He's now 5. I don't think he says anything in large group yet. He listens, he participates in small group, and he's beginning, just now, to begin to clap/do hand motions to songs. Last year he wouldn't even do that.

I have perfected the phrase "He takes a bit to warm up." I also sometimes say "He really likes to observe." or "He's very observant and loves to watch before jumping in." That puts a positive spin on it.

For teachers, I would be more direct: my daughter is an introvert, she "shuts down" when she's asked to do things in large groups. (At least that's what happens to our son -- it's not that he won't participate, it's that he CAN'T.) You might phrase it as "How can we help her feel more comfortable in the class? Right now she's stressed about large group things." Maybe them coming up with ideas would help.

Somewhere I have an article (can't find it for the life of me) for preschool teachers about the value of observing for some children. If I can find it in the next couple of days, I'll post the link.

You might also find "The Highly Sensitive Child" helpful.

Good luck.

[RomanGoddess]

It sounds like your daughter would do very well in a Montessori program. Have you considered it?

I would definitely take her OUT of any environment that forces her to do large group activities. I would not worry about imposing too much change. Children adapt to change amazingly well and all the more if the change is for the better.

[BelgianSheepDog]

As someone who grew up extremely introverted with all kinds of pushy authority figures trying to claim there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to join their "fun," I've just got to say thank you for being so sensitive to your daughter. I had teachers try to get me diagnosed as being hard of hearing (uh, actually I'm a classical musician and hear pretty well, I just don't talk endlessly), depressed, autistic, etc. When nope, I was just quiet and reserved and the more they tried to force me to be perky, the more scared and indignant I got.

I agree that the more she is pushed the harder it will be for her to come out of her shell. I remember many, many times getting so embarrassed I just wanted to disappear forever as some pushy teacher or third cousin got in my face and INSISTED that I do something I wasn't comfortable with. I never really started to "emerge" until I took drama and speech/debate classes in 9th grade (speech as in public speaking, not as in therapy.) For some reason that really helped, possibly because it allowed me to construct a public "persona" I could put on to interact with the world, the persona being less sensitive and fragile than my true self. She's very young for that right now but I wonder if there's some version of that a preschooler could understand? Maybe having daddy the fellow introvert explain to her how he gets stressed during public situations to, and how he deals with it?

[hhurd]

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

As someone who grew up extremely introverted with all kinds of pushy authority figures trying to claim there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to join their "fun," I've just got to say thank you for being so sensitive to your daughter....I was just quiet and reserved and the more they tried to force me to be perky, the more scared and indignant I got.

As another introvert, Yeah that!

[craftymom]

My ds6.5 is also very introverted (just like his grandpa!). He was also in speech therapy for 2 years for clarity issues (he did not speak a sentence until 38 months, then he was very hard to understand). A lot of people don't get introverts, including other mamas on these boards.

I would find a new preschool. I wish I had switched preschools halfway through my ds's year of preschool. His first teacher was great, then she resigned. New teacher--not good for my kid. She could not handle a shy introvert, he got ignored a lot. She said things like "If he has a problem, he needs to talk it out" and "He doesn't have problems with anyone!" (uh...he walks away) and "He just needs to get in there!"--as you know, he _can't_ get in there. He cannot break into a group of kids already doing something. Of course, since he mulls things over for 3-6 months before talking to _me_, I had no clue how frustrated he was. He was also terrified of not being understood, because this teacher is not very patient with the quiet, calm kids. She is great with the rough kids.

This situation did NOT help his starting K. He spoke to 1 teacher the first week and the other the beginning of the 2nd month. Fortunately, they were great, patient, and did not push _at all_. Partly this is the nature of the school we chose for him (a Waldorf-based public charter). He began speaking in circle, but still held back at many of the festivities. That's just who he is. This year, (2nd year K), he is doing great. Some of the other parents said they would never guess he was shy/introverted at all (til they speak to him!), he plays with everyone, talks to the kids and teachers, and has a great time. He is also in an outside music class, and freely talks, raises his hand with answers, _even at the show for parents at the end of the session_. Amazing! Then we go home and he wacks his brother, looking for a time-out so he can veg out and recharge. But I digress (we're working on this, and finally getting somewhere).

Probably not what you want to hear, but I would switch. I would look for a place that doesn't even do a "big group" or "forced-speaking" circle-time at all. Mostly, though, she needs a loving and supportive teacher, and she doesn't have it now.

Good luck

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by cmlp

It sounds like your daughter would do very well in a Montessori program. Have you considered it?

I would definitely take her OUT of any environment that forces her to do large group activities. I would not worry about imposing too much change. Children adapt to change amazingly well and all the more if the change is for the better.

I agree -- I think that if the change is into a more supportive, less stressful environment, she'd find do really well.

You don't want her growing up thinking something's wrong with her! And you don't want her labeled as "shy" either. I was labeled as shy early on. I'm not actually shy. I'm an introvert, and there's a difference. Like a pp's son, I need to retreat to recharge (it is my biggest parenting challenge actually - how do you meet the needs of your children when you need to be alone to recharge?) But I digress.

Don't let the preschool or some idiot doctor tell your doctor she's flawed. Tell people "Isn't it great that you've got someone who listens more than she talks? She'll make a lot of friends that way."

[onlyzombiecat]

My dd is an intovert and I'm an introvert. It can be difficult because society is geared toward extroverts.

Trying to "fix" a true introvert IMO can be harmful because we are hard wired this way. We are using different parts of our brain.

Introvert is not the same as shy. As you've noticed, we can be chatty at times- one-on-one and with people we know well. Most introverts I know really don't like small talk much also. My friends joked that I wouldn't talk to someone for 3 months and then the next day I wouldn't shut up.

As an introvert myself, I grew up with so many people trying to change me, push me out of my shell and so on. It is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It really stomped on my self-esteem and made me withdraw more until I was an adult and realized there isn't a thing wrong with being an introvert. I realize now that my introvert qualities can be strengths.

With my own dd, I absolutely will not let people try to make her be something she isn't. I have vowed to support her personality and needs. I am homeschooling my dd so she can develop socially her way at her pace because I don't think schools tend to be good environments for introverts. I really think emphasizing the positives and supporting her will help her to be confident. I already see her getting more socially confident.

I have had family scoff at the notion that an introvert might have different needs than an extrovert. In their minds, if a child is simply forced to do things they will do them and be like everyone else. It is not her temperment but my permissiveness or a flaw in dd if she does not conform. With their harmful dismissive attitude (and past experiences with them) I found it best to just cut contact.

from http://www.jamescmccroskey.com/publications/92.htm

Most social introverts do not have a problem. While those of us who are extroverted may think they do, they are not likely to agree with us. Teachers should take steps to avoid causing the social introvert a problem in the classroom, steps we will outline later, but they should not try to change the young person's personality. Not only are teachers not qualified to engage in such psychological manipulation, but also, if they try, they are treading on dangerous legal ground and are likely to produce a very hostile young person. The answer, then, is leave the social introvert alone.

The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child : Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World looks like a pretty good book. Another book is The Introvert Advantage.

http://www.theintrovertzcoach.com/un...ted_child.html

http://teachers.net/gazette/NOV02/laney.html

[mamatoady]

you know, thank you for posting this! my dd is 3.5 and totally introverted and this has been obvious since birth. Even my best friend, whom she sees a few times a week has extreme difficulty getting her to talk to her. Luckily, my dd isn't being pushed to be different and is allowed to be herself although I'm sick and tired of waitresses and check-out ladies saying "oh, are you going to be shy today?" it makes me want to beat them:

I don't have any suggestions except to listen to your gut and your dd's introvertedness or shyness is really only a problem if SHE feels like it is. Is she comfortable not participating, playing alone etc.etc. or does she really want to be different and more comfortable? And if that's the case, you could probably work together with her to help her "out of her shell".

sorry, I'm not much help...from one mom of a introvert to another
sarah

[jkpmomtoboys]

I have a fairly introverted 5 1/2 year old and I just have to say that yes, definitely listen to your gut. When ds1 was younger, he had a tremendous amount of social anxiety (off the scale, according to his ped.) that stemmed from his introverted nature (my husband and I are introverts as well). Slowly, slowly, through helping him and putting him in environments that challenged him a little but also supported who he is, he began to make strides. He's now in an alternative, Sudbury-like public school where you are allowed to pass, sit quietly in the circle, or play by yourself. The program also is pretty peer-driven, having all the kids work in little groups together, which allows him to interact in the smaller groups and work on gaining confidence and overcoming his fears that way.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's not an all or nothing solution; there are programs out there that will help your little girl reach her potential while not diminishing who she is as a person.

Good luck...