Death and the holiday's

[Ms. Mom]

When I read Lisamarie's post it got me thinking.

I've been so cranky today and I didn't realize why? It baffled me how short my patience were with the kids and how easily annoyed I was.

My father died a year ago in January. He was going to come visit for Chirstmas last year. He'd never spent a holiday with my kids and we were all excited. On Thanksgiving we called him and the kids talked about all the things they wanted to do with him when he came into town. Well, he didn't come for Christmas and took his life a few weeks later.

This year's been very difficult not having him here - watching my kids grow and wanting so much to pick up the phone and call him.

Tomorrow will be our first Thanksgiving without him and it's going to be hard. I'll have to allow myself to be sad and channel the anger.

I'd love to hear from others. How is everyone else dealing with the holidays and loss?

[lisamarie]

Ms.Mom.....I'm sitting here smiling to myself, not because this topic is funny, because I've been feeling the EXACT same way. Over this past week I have been so cranky, edgy, uptight, moody and then on Monday, weepy. I have been very impatient w/my ds (YUCK!) Luckily, I had my grief and loss group that night and I talked with others about this. In fact, they had a special forum last week on "Grief During the Holidays". I didn't get to go, but have the booklet from the Forum. I will get it out and will try to share more later.

Its amazing how feeling the change in the air, the change in season, the season of holidays and anniverseries, can change us. Even my ds is getting more sensitive now. Your body and soul knows its a season to grieve.

I know last year I really did try to be gentle and we created "new" traditions. It helped. It helped to allow myself to do that for myself because that was what I needed.

I am here and I feel for you and your kids. Its such a huge loss. I'm sorry and I'm sending hugs, love and peace.

[JessicaS]

Ms Mom

a loss can make even the happiest of times seem bittersweet....

my grandmother passed away a week after Abigail was born...I was stunned.....I had just had a c-section yet I had to travel 350 miles to see her. A lot of my family hadn't seen Abigail yet and they were so excited to have the opportunity....but we were all saddened that my grandmother never met her. My family is huge and never was a baby held more closely than at my grandmother's funeral.....it really helped us heal......

Maybe you can give your children seperate gifts that remind you of him...like something he liked... like maybe if he liked baseball give one of them something basebally....I think it would help them get to know him a littel and help you heal.....

I think in losing a parent or grandparent part of the saddness is that your children will never see the person you knew...I think thats what hurts the most

[Sierra]

I relate

Because of some big losses in my life, holidays are also hard for me. The only thing that is getting me through right now is journaling and talking. I've been talking my head off with my closest loved ones, but there are also some things that are too huge, too overwhelming to even say, to even express in words. At church we have an opportunity to light candles and share our joys, concerns, and sorrow, and because I'm new in the area and new to the church, I've been intimidated about doing this in front of everyone. It doesn't help that I don't know there are words for what I'm feeling. I think I'll do it anyway this weekend. I wont say anything, but I will light a candle. In fact, maybe I'll light a candle in memory and recognition when I wake up in the morning (Thanksgiving) and then everyday through the Holidays. I might also need to contact Hospice and find out about grief support groups near my new home. I'll get through it, one way or another. Though I don't talk here, it is comforting to read all of your words on this forum as well. Stepping back into my silent corner, where I feel most comfortable...Love, Sierra

[Ms. Mom]

Sierra, thank you so much for sharing. I know it's hard for you and appreciate you giving all that you can to others.

As you know my father died in January last year. My Grandmother also died 2 years ago right before Thanksgiving.

My daughter was born and died on December 14, 1993. My son was born December 23, 1994. So the holiday's are filled with complex emotions.

I like the candle idea. I always prepair an alter like setting on my daughters birthday. I have a shelf that I put some momentos of her and light a candle. Every time I pass the shelf I think of her. I do plan on doing that for my fathers death anniversary.

My grandmother LOVED Christmas Eve. So last year my sister put a picture of her on a table, lit a candle by it, put a small wrapped gift (she loved gifts) and a glass of wine. We all gently joked that if she were actually there thoes things would be on that very table. It was comforting to have her 'with us' as we celebrated.

Remembering and memorializing is so important. I don't think we ever 'get over' a loss. We just find a way to make it a part of who we are.

Have a gentle Thanksgiving.

[lisamarie]

How'd Everyone Do Today?

How is everyone doing after today? I did get out the information I received about Grief and the Holidays. After I got done reading this I remembered this. ANTICIPATION is worse alot of times, than the actual day. Last year, the week prior to Christmas and the anniversery date, I was a wreck. And also earlier this week and even last week, I was so grumpy. Today, I've been fine. We even went to Rob's grave today and Dane and I put a pumpkin on his stone. It felt good. It took me a long time to feel comfortable going.

It also said to create new traditions, be gentle with yourself, take care of YOU and not do too much.

Warmly-

lisa

[flowerpower]

Big hugs to all of you.

My college boyfriend, who was one of my closest friends even after we were no longer together romantically, took his life 3 days before Christmas two years ago. Most of his friends were shocked, because to them he seemed like a "happy go lucky" kind of guy. I knew that he was suffering from depression, as I battle depression myself and we had shared our feelings with each other, but I hadn't spoken with him the few months before he died. My son had just turned 1, and I was pregnant with my second, and I knew that my having children was emotionally difficult for Cedrik to handle. I thought that I was sparing him additional grief by keeping my distance. When I received the call, and learned of his death, I felt a great deal of guilt, and still do. Cedrik was the kind of friend who always took the time to write long, kind, inspirational letters, give a phone call out of the blue, send a thoughtful gift, etc... I had been, over the years, becoming more and more involved in my own life, and at times my own episodes of depression. I really wasn't as good of a friend to him as he was to me. I knew that before his death, and always had the intentions of being a better friend, but would put it off, and eventually put it off until it was too late.

Christmas had always been a difficult time for me anyway. My family life growing up wasn't always so stable. My sister had severe mental health issues during our childhood, and the mood around the holidays was always tense. There was never a Christmas day that did not end in crying and yelling, so as much as I have tried, Christmas is always tough. (The best Christmas I ever had, was when I was living on an island off the coast of Africa. I was sitting on my porch, and someone came by late in the day and called out, "Merry Christmas!". It was only then that I realized what day it was...I had managed to escape it all)

Anyway, today, Thanksgiving was tense and miserable. In the morning, I was searching for a pencil. I couldn't find one anywhere, so I opened a craft box that I haven't touched in a while. Inside were a bunch of beautiful pencils that Cedrik gave to me for my birthday one year. He was always giving gifts to me, and to all his friends, so this happens to me often. It always comes as a shock, though. I open a book I haven't seen in a while, and there is a little bookmark, a gift from Cedrik. These little tokens keep popping up everywhere. He was so generous in that way. The day before he took his life, which was planned and calculated, he sought out a friend who he knew would be without family at Christmas, and gave her a special gift. Anyway, so finding the pencil this morning made me sad and iritable for the rest of the day. My dh and I fought, and exchanged angry, hurtful words in front of the children. Then, he said, "Wow, this is just like Christmas"... and I realized that I was causing all this pain on a day that was supposed to be happy. It had nothing to do with my dh, or my boys, but here I was drawing them in and taking my grief out on the people who are most special to me.

Here is my question; How do you get throught the holidays without escaping to a remote island in Africa? Because, believe me, if I could do that again, I would. But it doesn't seem to be an option.

LisaMarie, I have always admired your strength and your courage to speak to us all so openly about your pain and your loss. Ms Mom, Sierra, Abi... my heart goes out to all of you. I will be gathering strength in the knowledge that we are all here to support each other.

fp

[Ms. Mom]

Flower Power,

Deep hearth felt sympathy to you. Your friend sounds like a truely beautiful person. He had some deep passions for people and life. Your so lucky to have met him - his generosity and kindness will be with you always. It saddens me to think of his last days and what would drive him to such an ending.

I understand the stress of the holidays. As a child ours always ended with my mom in tears saying "can't I ever have one nice day, do you kids always have to ruin everything". WOW, could you even imagine saying that to your precious little ones?

Holidays were very stress for me for many years. I wanted so much for everything to be PERFECT! I drove poor dh nuts and things got prety tense. I still have to stop sometimes and remember that! However, I've finally resolved that a 'perfect' holiday is when mom and dad sit aorund in thier jammies playing, reading, laughing and relaxing with the kids. That's what they truly enjoy. It's getting better and better, but I have to constantly work on it.

Do you do anything to remember Cedric? maybe have a picture of him framed with a poem that reminds you of him? Or put some of the wonderfull treasures he left for you on a shelf with a small picture of him and a candle that you can light when you need to feel clost to him.

I do understand the guilt. My father took his life on January 4th last year. I was going to call him the morning before he overdosed, but got busy. I kept thinking 'what if I had called'. But truth is, he was fighting demons to powerfull for any one person to conroll.

You mentioned that his death was very calculated. Please know that nothing you could have said or done would have changed the outcome.

No, we can't run off to a remote island - but it does sound tempting at times.

Gentle thoughts for a peacefull Holliday Season.

[lisamarie]

Oh flowerpower, my heart goes out to you. Unfortuntely, Ms. Mom, yourself and I, all share a sad thing in common....we lost someone to suicide.

Last Christmas, I wanted to run so far away. Instead, I did a little bit of running away. My ds, my fiance and myself spent it together, just the three of us. We went to the Space Needle for an early dinner. The sun came out and it was about 60 degrees. The mountains and water were all in clear site as the top rotated us around to see it all. It was like (I feel), God was sending his light of hope on me and my family. It was a magical day. I didn't have to "put on a happy face" to be around others who might not understand. My family really didn't understand me wanting to seclude myself, but oh well.

Ms Mom had a wonderful idea about lighting a candle for him. Please know that you are not alone in your grief.

peace & warmth~

Lisa

[Ms. Mom]

With Chanukah coming to an end, Winter Solstice and Christmas right around the corner (sorry if I missed something!) I just wanted to bump this thread up so we could come here for comfort and ideas.

Again, I've prepared a shelf with memories of my loved ones who I lost. We're going to have 2 places on Christmas eve set for my father and my grandmother. My father's place will have a baseball hat, a picture of him and a fishing lure. Grandma will get her present and wine again!

I am feeling a lot of stress right now and I'm trying to keep my calm and not loose my patience. I want so much for Christmas to be a time of joy for my family. To look back when the kids are grown and smile at the memories of happy kids decorating the tree and taking part in the preparations.

How's everyone else doing?

Fp - I've missed you, my thoughts are with you.

Edited because my spelling SUCKS!

[lisamarie]

Thanks Ms. Mom for bumping this post. Myself, I am doing pretty well. I did notice a few weeks ago, after I turned the calendar over to December, that I felt myself getting depressed. So, I evaluated my surroundings and what was going on and figured out the problem. I needed to look forward to something. The last time I saw my dh was on Christmas Day in 1999 and then he died on 1/5/00. So, Christmas has mixed feelings for me. So, I made reservations for the three of us to go up to the Mountains during the weekend of 1/5/02 and stay in a log cabin. I admit, I'm running away, but I have something to positively focus on and plus we get to play in the SNOW! That has helped me so, so much.

I have noticed that my ds is asking more questions (he associates Christmas w/his dad's death). My new dh took him friday to see his old counselor. My ds really like that. Since he had not seen him in quite awhile, he thought that his counselor had died.

We have some of Rob's Christmas ornaments on the tree and we have been talking about him more and more lately. I miss him and wish he could see our ds sing in his Christmas concert tomorrow night. In some ways, I know he will be watching and listening.

Warmly & Sending Everyone Hugs this Holiday Season~

Lisa

[RasJane]

Thank you all

I have been feeling for a while that I needed to come here. And I am glad that I did. Except that I have a cold and now I am crying--YUCKY! We lost my husbands brother, Ray July 3rd this year. He took his life after a fight with his estranged wife. He was one of my best friends. The day he met me, he called me Sis, and we have been like brother and sister ever since. But I am still so mad at him for what he has done to everyone who loved him, and especially his two precious babies. I am really worried about this Christmas. His parents are having a horrible time, and my mother is playing guilt games about any time we are spending with my In-laws (even though she gets us for Christmas eve And day!!). To make it worse, Ray's widow and two children will be flying to my in-laws after Christmas. She told me that "there's not enough Prozac for me to survive Christmas with Them! To say she does not get along with my FIL is the understatement of the year. They spend all their time blaming each other for Ray's death. I want to go and let the kids spend time with each other--cousins are precious things! But I dread the spirit of hate that will be there.
Can I just yell at everyone and tell them they are all being a bunch of petty idiots? I think they all need a proverbial slap upside the head!
And, how can I support my dear, sweet and wonderful husband who has still not really come to terms with the fact that his brother is gone. will Christmas be something really difficult for him? What can I do?
And thanks for just letting me ramble. I am just so glad to find others who have lost loved ones to suicide. Mothering is Heaven-Sent!

[flowerpower]

RasJane, I am so sorry for your loss. The death of a good friend to suicide leaves such a void in one's heart. I am still trying to work through the sorrow myself, three years after my friend's death. The trip to the in-laws sounds stressful. Could you go for a few days or as an alternative invite them to come stay at your house for a few days?

Ms Mom, I am still here. Thanks for noticing that I haven't been posting. I am just trying to keep a rythm going, keeping busy, trying to stay stress free. The aniversary of my friend's death is on the 23rd. I'm getting a bit jumpy. I actually started to get angry with Dh for buying a Christmas tree yesterday... It was too expensive, too big, too full! (you see, I can even find fault with perfection when there is an underlying issue). He actually apologized, he is such a wonderful man. Poor guy has to put up with such craziness every year at the same time.

I think your place setting idea is wonderful! What a celebration of life. Since my friend is not family, I think I will have some personal time on that day, and decorate a tree outside with popcorn and cranberry garlands. Perhaps my friend's spirit now lives in a bird, soaring high at last.

fp

[lisamarie]

RasJane~

I am sending you so many hugs right now. I am truly and deeply so sorry for your loss! My late dh took his life on 1/5/00. There is a SOS (suvivors of suicide) group in Auburn I know. Let me know if you would like the phone number. They can provide such a wealth of strength and support for all family members. And this wonderful Mothering community is here for you as well.

Flowerpower~

Thank you for keeping us posted. Sending you hugs as well.

Unfortuntely, my client just arrived, so I need to go.

Warmly & With Many, Many Hugs~

Lisa

[lisamarie]

RasJane~

I hope your cold gets better soon. You asked some dear questions. What a loving wife you are! You can support your dh by just listening to him, hold him and tell him that you love him. He may be very moody, grumpy and have no energy this holiday season~all normal grief responses. You and your in-laws might feel this way as well.

As for your in-laws, well the blame game is very hard. My in-laws blame me for my dh's death. My ds and I do not have contact w/them anymore. Blame is a part of the grief response too, but my personal opinion is, we should not to voice it around the children. It can be very confusing for them. If everyone can be civil, then I think a visit can be good. In our case, it didn't work out that way, so I made the choice (with my son's counselor's support), not to have further contact. Its very, very sad for everyone in the family~my ds, my in-laws and yes, even myself.

I am sending you hugs to you and your family this season.

Warmly~

Lisa

(ps-I agree.....Mothering is a Heaven Sent! )