Depleted Mother Syndrome

[ladybugmama]

I'm feeling awful, but not really ready to describe it all. I'm just wondering if anybody out there has experienced this.

Thanks.

[Boadicea]

Yes, I'm in that same space right now, too. I'm trying to improve my health, both physical and mental, with diet and exercise, which is helping some. But even that's difficult when added to the task of performing this all-encompassing job that is mothering.

Feel free to talk about it, mama. I censor myself too much on these boards sometimes, for fear of reprisal, but this is my only community. If I can't talk here, where can I talk? (I almost started a thread last week entitled "I hate being a mother", but I just didn't know where to go from there.)

Another for you.

[ladybugmama]

Thank you, Boadicea.

This all came to a head during a very bad Mother's Day. It actually brought a smile to my face when you mentioned starting a "I hate being a mother" thread. Not because it's happy, but because I can so relate. I went to my room yesterday at noon and didn't come out until 9pm - and I have 4 homeschooled kids. I just feel like I flat out can't do this anymore. I can't keep giving. I feel like I have nothing inside me anymore - no more spirit. I love my kids so much, I want what's best for them. But it seems like everything I have tried to give them they hate or at least don't appreciate. And I know that they're kids and they have needs. I recognize this, yet I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to get groceries or fix meals or do laundry or read them books or break up fights. I don't need a break, I just want to be done. I feel absolutely awful saying this. I'm always the one saying how sad I'll be when they're all gone and not wanting to wish their childhoods away, wanting them to stay small and with me. I'm just not coping right now and I hope I'll feel better soon. I'm not sure how to get there, though.

I re-read what I wrote and can't tell you how sad it makes me that I feel this way. What kind of a mother would say these things?

I read a good article, though. http://www.familyresource.com/parent...other-syndrome Maybe you'll find it helpful, too.

On a day that all I want to do is and , I so appreciate your post. to you, too!

[Boadicea]

I just read that article last week, actually. I don't know that it helps ... but it does give me some sense of being in good company, so to speak.

I feel like I spend every day of my life cleaning up messes, breaking up arguments, listening to people demand things of me (never asking, just demanding), and generally having everything I say ignored or refused. My kids are only 4.5 and 28 months, and I know that their behavior is not outside the realm of what is "normal" for their ages. But I'm fed up.

I'm tired of my kids hurting me all day, even if it's not on purpose. DD constantly scratches/pulls/pinches my free nipple while nursing regardless of how many nursing necklaces I try or special toys we reserve just for nursing. Every time I try to stop her, she has a HUGE tantrum, and then I get frustrated, and she's not getting any nursies, so then she's even more pissed off, and I often just end up walking away from her. DS plays so rough, and I know he needs it, but he just gets rougher, and rougher, and rougher ... and he steps on me (stepped right on my breast a couple of days ago), and jumps on me with both feet (right in the groin, yesterday), and just is out of control and completely oblivious to anyone else.

I hate grocery shopping. It's my idea of hell. (Literally, if there is such a place as Hell, and it's personalized for every being, then my hell will be one continuous grocery shopping trip with a dozen two-year-olds.) My DH works out of town for five days out of every eight, and then has two other part time jobs on his days "off", so I have to take the kids with me when I go to the grocery store. Hell, I have to take the kids with me everywhere. And I despise every minute of trying to keep DD in the cart (she won't let me wear her anymore). When I let her out of the cart, she immediately runs off and destroys something or climbs on something (like the produce coolers ) or starts throwing random things into the cart. And then there's DS (4.5). He wants, wants, wants, wants, wants. And he has these major meltdowns when he doesn't get what he wants, even though I NEVER buy some of these things, we never eat them, it's just not an option and never has been, so WHAT IS THE FREAKING DEAL?!? I know I'm one of those people that other people are thinking, "Geeze, can't she control her kids?!?" and I just don't know how to do any better than I'm doing. I try to make it fun, try to make it educational, try to keep them entertained, try to make sure they're not hungry or bored or otherwise in crazy-making mode, and it does. not. matter. what I do.

DS is one major meltdown after another All. Day. Long. The first thing I hear every morning is, "Mom, I'm hungry." and if I do not IMMEDIATELY jump out of bed and get him something to eat, it's a screaming, crying, throwing himself on the floor breakdown. I mean, ten seconds is too long. He doesn't want to get dressed, he doesn't want to go outside, he does want to go outside now that we're doing something else, he doesn't want to get in his seat in the car but he DOES want to go to the park, he just had an inkling that his sister was perhaps thinking about playing with a toy he was playing with two hours ago, he's already had his limited screen time for the day but he wants to play another game, he doesn't want to listen to Mama's music, he wants something else to eat for the fifteenth time in the past three hours but I'm up to my elbows in dishwater ... all of these and many more are cause for world-ending type meltdowns.

This kid is hungry every damn minute of every damn day. We can go to an all-you-can-eat buffet, and as we are headed out the door he says, "Mom, I'm hungry." WTF?!? I don't even care anymore. How sad is that? I spend all of this time trying to provide nutritious food, preparing things from scratch, avoiding the "bad" stuff, working around his diet issues (he has Celiac disease) ... and I just don't care anymore. If I hear that he's hungry one more time I may just explode.

DD potty learned all by herself at 19 months, with absolutely no prompting from me. Now, at 28 months (actually, for the last two to three months), she won't go on the potty. Noooo, because it is so much more fun to take her clothes off and go on the floor. Put a diaper on her, and she can take that off, too. "Mama, I pooped on the floor again." And sure enough, in the two minutes I was in the bathroom washing her brother's hands, she has taken off every stitch of her clothing and pooped on the floor ... AND she's put her hands in it.

She also climbs. Everywhere. On top of the refrigerator, to the top shelf in my closet, up on the countertops, anywhere. I ask her to put her chair back at the table about five hundred times a day because she drags it around to use it as a stepping stool to places she doesn't need to be. When I ask her, she says "no" and continues. When I help her return the chair, I have to literally wrestle the chair away from her and then sit in it to keep her from taking it again. And there is no such thing as redirection for this kid. There never was with her brother, either. They have laser focus and will not be swayed, no matter what you offer.

Did I mention that we've had to put padlocks on all of the gates in the fence around our house? I got out of the shower -- my three minute shower, even -- one morning to find that DD was not in the house. She was two blocks down the street, nekkid as a jaybird, happily splashing in a puddle in a neighbor's yard. This is my life.

I don't get any sleep, I don't get any down time, I'm exhausted and miserable and worn out and done. I yell all the time lately. I can't withdraw, my kids won't allow for it -- they have to be WITH me every minute of every day ... DD nurses while I take a poo, for kripes' sake, and when they're not with me they're obviously doing something crazy-making (see my search for nekkid baby above) -- so I end up over the edge and I yell. I can hear myself doing it, I know in my mind I shouldn't be doing it, but I'm so worn out I can't seem to come up with other solutions that I can implement in that moment. I'm so stressed out from the last 800 "episodes" that I've dealt with today that I can't even stop the slide into all out screaming, because the slide long ago became an avalanche.

I have nothing to give these children anymore. I forsee no change in our circumstances in the near future that will change that. So what do I do? I'm miserable. I hate being a parent. I love my children ... but I don't like them very much. I feel like a terrible, awful mother. I can't take much more. I feel about this close to just shutting down.

So there it is. Ugly. But maybe it will help you to know that there are other mamas feeling similar things. Maybe it will help both of us to talk about it with other mamas. I hope so. I hope something helps.

[ibex67]

Everything that everyone has posted here is true for me. The bottom line that I've discovered after 7 years of being a sahm is that I don't really enjoy it. In general I find it painfully boring and emotionally and physically and mentally more depleting than anything else I've ever done.

The other reality is that I have a 7 yr old, 3 yr old and am expecting another in August. And because my Dh and I are committed to one of us being a full-time parent [and I cannot make even 1/4 of that he does] it looks like I will be doing this for another 4 to 6 years.

I am working hard at figuring out ways that I can make the job more tolerable and fulfilling and less depleting. I feel extraordinarly fortunate that Dh makes enough money that I have some options that I know other mamas might not. So some of my coping strategies might not be available to all mamas.

Last week for the first time in 7 years I hired a babysitter/mother's helper. She will come in between 8 to 12 hours a week -- mostly I will be home when she is here. She is 19. I have felt outrageously guilty that I have this energetic, happy girl giving my kids the kind of attention [playing, reading, drawing etc...] that I am supposedly staying home to do. But the reality is that I am burnt out and 6 mo pregnant.

I also make sure that I invest some time and a little money in hobbies that I really enjoy.

For other really good ideas about staying sane... check out this thread too. http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...d.php?t=451760

Mostly I just wanted to chime in and say that we are not alone. I think alot of sahms are this unhappy and exhausted but it's kind of taboo to admit it.

[warrior mama]

Another depleted mother checking in. I was actually wondering yesterday if I have PPD.
My story goes like this. I have a 15 month old dd and I am a SAHM. My dh works 10-12 hours a day so he rarely sees dd during the week. When she sees him she waves Bye-bye as he's always going to work. He talks about wanting 3 or 4 kids I can't fathom why as he barely spends time with the one we have. I used to work full time before she was born and was desparate to be a SAHM, we moved to another state so it was cheaper (we lived in NYC) and I could stay home. And now I want out. I'd love to go to work and just see her evenings and weekends. How horrible is that? I have a love-hate relationship with nursing and deep down I'd like her to stop, but she's not having it. I've tried to wean her down but she still wakes me a couple of times a night to nurse. I am so tired, I'd love just some time for myself. I spend so much time clearing up smeared food, poop, toys. I frequently question what have I done and we are ttc a second. I don't know why. I'd like my dd to have a sibling is about the only reason I can come up with.
I am so bored of it all. We are in the process of buying a home and I have to do all the leg work. Sometimes I just feel like a baby machine/secretary.

[ladybugmama]

I can't say much right now. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

I have to admit that I have always loved being a SAHM. Aside from the occassional burn out, it's just what I've always felt called to do. But I have hit a wall and feel so completely depleted right now, like I just can't keep doing this. I mean, right now I have a teenager and a toddler. Not to mention the 2 in between. It's hard, it is. We need each other, mamas.

I think the main thing I got from the article I posted and from the thread that ibex67 posted is that we HAVE to do good things for ourselves. We have to! Even though we're moms, we're still humans and we need to be loved and cared for, too. The hard part is that dh's don't seem to have that caring gene too much , so we have to do it ourselves. One more thing to do, but we have to get out and do things that we are interested in! Our lives have changed dramatically with kids. The pressure is unbelievable! We have huge new responsibilities. We are now "mom" but we are still "me."

Maybe that means day care (a center or babysitter or nanny or preschool or g-ma) 1 or 2 days a week for however many hours we need - GUILT FREE! We're all different and have different ways of coping.

Boadicea, I can see why you are feeling so awful. Your kids are really putting you through the ringer. Sometimes I feel like a hard-ass, but I just really have to lay down the law with my kids. My 2 yr old is not allowed to nurse while I'm eating. If my 6 yr old acts up, he goes to his room and if he won't stay, I lock it (I turned the door knob around a few years ago). I'm doing things I never wanted to do, but I have to. We're all different people and thus will be different parents. We have different breaking points.

I wish I was one of those patient moms that I know. Always loving, nurturing, even during the battles of wills. I yell way too much and don't like it. I see fear in my children's eyes when I'm screaming at them. But I'm working on it, I'm trying breathing, etc. I don't know if I've improved. But if I am too hard on myself, it won't do any good either. Easier said than done.

Hugs to you all.

[Shantimama]

to everyone.

I am a recovering depleted mother

I have three kids and I homeschooled them until last fall. This time last year I was at my wits end. In the last two years we had moved twice, moved my mother three times (last one was into a nursing home) and gone through a lot of turmoil. I was exhausted and resenting the things my kids needed of me, normal as they were. I was exhausted. I HATED the thought of sending them to school, but I finally admitted to myself that I was not capable of living out my ideals any longer.

Today, my older kids are at school 5 days a week and my youngest 2 or 3 days a week. Overall we are happy with it. I have a little more time to myself and I don't feel so responsible for their well being and growth - it is nice to share that with others. It gives me time to go to therapy and work through the stuff that was wearing me down so badly - it wasn't really the kids. I exercise more and can run errands without planning how to keep everyone calm and co-operative while I get them done. I have time to do some writing and art and study a bit. It is good. I am still a very attached mom but I am allowing my own life to grow a bit - I think I was too caught up in trying to be the most amazing mother ever, and I burnt myself right out.

I don't have any wise advice for thise of you who are in the thick of it all. I am sad and sorry it is so hard. I know a lot of mothers struggle with this from time to time, for some it is just a blip and for others it becomes a huge burden they carry.

[ibex67]

Originally Posted by warrior mama

I frequently question what have I done and we are ttc a second. I don't know why. I'd like my dd to have a sibling is about the only reason I can come up with.I am so bored of it all. We are in the process of buying a home and I have to do all the leg work. Sometimes I just feel like a baby machine/secretary.

Warrior mama -- {{hugs}} been there. Please reconsider TTC right now. I think for anyone doing an AP-like thing [like extended nursing] might want to err on the side of longer spacing between kids. For all the reasons you express in your post. We just need more time to regroup between little ones.

Please be gentle with yourself and find ways to nurture yourself --even for 15 mins a day.

[nym]

Oh My goodness... I feel so much like you do Boadicea.. I want to reply more, but I'm so freaking tired from the never ending marry go round of bullsh*t I have to do every day that I can't. I will post tomorrow, but I wanted to give you a

[warrior mama]

Ladybugmama, I likes your article so much I've printed it out. Maybe dh will pick it up and read it - highly unlikely but I have hope. The ttc isn't going to well anyway, my MD told me my prolactin was way to high still so maybe that is a blessing in disguise.
Today I am going out to have tea with some friends, I have to take my dd with me though. Msaybe someone will entertain her for a little while and I can just stand still for a moment.
Thanks for listening

[Boadicea]

Does anyone else feel like a big part of the problem in lack of community, or a tribe, as it were? I feel like Depleted Mother Syndrome probably wasn't such an issue when families all lived close together, and the women all helped out with the child-rearing and housekeeping duties, even though the housekeeping duties involved a lot more time consuming things than they do now.

Our closest family is nine hours away. My family is no family at all, and I'd never ask for help from them, as none would be forthcoming, even if they did live nearby. My MIL and DH'S family are fantastic, but we live in North Dakota, and they all live in Tennessee and Georgia. Not much help.

I haven't made many friends since we've lived here, either, though not for lack of trying. I have one friend with whom I am comfortable leaving my children. (In fact, she's taking them to the zoo today with her DD for a couple of hours so that I can ... wait for it ... work on cleaning my office. A real break, huh? But I run my own business, and my office has gotten out of control, and I need a big block of child-free time to reclaim it so that it's not just one more thing driving me completely crazy.) Problem is, she also runs her own business, so she's busy. She also has lived here her entire life, and she has a large family and a large "tribe" of other friends, so she's involved with them and busy again.

I need some of those types of friends who just kind of live in and out of each other's homes. KWIM? Someone who comes over for tea and conversation while our kids play. Someone I can call when the basement floods and DH is out of town and the kids are freaking out and I really just need to take care of things without them. (That happened last summer and I had no one to help me.)

I feel so isolated.

[warrior mama]

Yes, I think a lack of community is a huge part of the problem. It takes a village, don't they say? My family live 3,000 miles away, in another country. I moved from NYC at the end of December and even though I know people here I don't have those sister-like friends you are talking about.
We recently went back to visit our family and stayed with my dh parents. I felt like a diferent woman just having someone to watch my dd for an hour or so and I even got out with some of my old girlfriends. As soon as we returned to the US and my dh stated going back to work the feelings returned.
Community building is tough. When I lived in NYC I had a wonderful community of moms. Now it is different. I don't have the support anymore.
How do you go about building ones own community of moms?

[alsoSarah]

Originally Posted by warrior mama

How do you go about building ones own community of moms?

Exactly!

Especially when the other moms in your area seem to be very different from you?

(I may be very soggy here on MDC, but I'm considered way-out-there-crunchy around here! )

alsoSarah

[ibex67]

Originally Posted by Boadicea

I need some of those types of friends who just kind of live in and out of each other's homes. KWIM? Someone who comes over for tea and conversation while our kids play. Someone I can call when the basement floods and DH is out of town and the kids are freaking out and I really just need to take care of things without them. (That happened last summer and I had no one to help me.)

I know exactly what you mean. For a brief and wonderful time when my oldest was little I had this kind of relationship with another mama. We would just camp out at each other's houses all day and one of us ended up making dinner for both families...

But somehow we drifted apart and now that we have moved I don't have anyone like that at all...

I really miss it...

[kewb]

I certainly feel depleted today.

Things are not going well at work. I am on the hit list to be terminated, I am pretty sure.

DH started a new job locally and is home early every night (I know this should be a good thing but I am having difficulty adjusting to the change in my routine)

I am feeling stressed with the children. I feel like I am incapable of giving them the attention they need and deserve. I am frustrated because I would like to homeschool them but can't at this time because I have the health benefits.

No family near by or close friends to help or unwind with.

Calgon, take me away.

[vamp127]

Hi mamas, can I join?

Everything you all have written could have been written by me. I am feeling so frustrated with DD#2 (DC#3) that I could scream and I have screamed more in the past week than in all the other 7 years of being a mama together! I always hated the term "terrible twos" but she seems to be the dictionary definition. Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong for her to be like this.

I also just started working from home online and the dc don't realize that I'm actually working, not just on mdc all the time! COnstant interruptions and emergencies are driving me bananas.

When I think about when I was little, we had neighbors that helped each other, even if they weren't like really good friends. It seemed like they were all there for each other because they were all in the same boat. ykwim? I remember a couple of times that my mom wasn't home from work in time when I got home from school and I could always just go next door and hang out. Now the school calls me if I'm 5 minutes late picking up DD#1, and they all know that it's tight because DD#2 still naps in the pm and is usually just waking up at that time.

Today, I just kind of gave up. I don't want to do anything today and it's almost the weekend, and I just can't wait to escape. Just wish I had someone to do it with, you know?

[JennieYoung44]

i read that article...
my name is jenniey and i have dms.
i am lonely. i am bored. i am at the end of a rapidly fraying rope. i love my children so much and can't stand them the next. i feel like the ping pong ball of emotions.
the slightest thing can saej;jkdfas;m,v.mka;jie;amkfds;a mnvl;ejwai
see.
that is how i feel.
i meant to type "et me off." but instead an "a" came out and i couldn't stop myself from getting pissed off at the keyboard.

i am sorry to see so many of you here at the end of this rope. it was a good rope for a while, wasn't it? the problem is all we really have is string. we need each other to have a rope.

[Boadicea]

It was a good rope for awhile, though I would have to say that mothering has never come "naturally" for me, as it seems to for some other mamas. Well, perhaps when DS was a new babe it was easier, more natural for me. I could probably do the infant stage forever (minus the sleeplessness, that is ... but DS slept), it's the later stages that make me nuts.

I posted in GD about my "hot buttons" yesterday. There are just so freakin' many of them. I'm angry all of the time. No, I take that back. Sometimes I am really, really sad. Other times I'm too exhausted, to worn out, to be sad or angry. I can't remember the last time that I had a "good day", though. It made me so sad to re-read my post.

I can't even imagine homeschooling my children. It sounds appealing, but I know that I could not handle it. I could not deal with it and keep any semblance of my sanity. And, honestly? It would be such a break for me to send the kids to school. I might actually enjoy seeing them again when they got home, kwim?

How do I move from here to a place in which I can enjoy motherhood, enjoy my children? How do I create a community? How do I force other mamas to become like-minded and then become my best friends?!?

I'm just so tired.

[ibex67]

now what?

so we're commiserating, and it helps to know we're not the only ones to feel this way. maybe we will feel less guilty or at fault to know that...

now what?

is there anything we can actually do to help one another?

I don't have any ideas myself... but I am going to chew on it a bit.