BTDT - how did you deal w/ 3yo Bossy behavior

[Nu_Mommy_2003]

What did you do when your 3yr old started acting like a dicator? Two year old stage was nothing compared to this. He is so bossy and all my responses to him is answered back with "Oh really"

He tells me what to do and how to do it constantly. If I don't do it hi way he has a major meltdown. Also, he has started hitting and throwing thing at people. No matter what you say, he says "oh really, oh really" and continues the wrong behavior. Then when I really get fed up with his behavior, I get in his face and in a low voice I state "sweetheart it's time to cut it out". His response "momma say PLEASE son cut it out" and he will continue the behavior or have a meltdown until I say verbatim what he told me to say. When I say exactly what he said then he says "Okay mum". No matter how I say things, extra polite, he will have a different way he wants me to say it. I tell him if he can not do what I said then mommy will not do what he says. That doesn't work because his behavior gets worst.

He is very intellegent, sweet (when he wants to be),and attentive. He calls my dad and my MIL liars - BTW they are And then he says "dad tell them they liar". DH response to this is "They did tell a lie. The truth is x and they lied and said Y." He goes on and say it is not nice to call people liars when they can hear you and DS says "Oh really"

[Nu_Mommy_2003]

No one had a bossy 3 year old?

[goosysmom]

I care for a bossy 3yo 5 days a week.....I'd be interested too....dictator and very bossy....trying to work with her mom about it but mom said it's worse at home....dd is here about 7 hours a day so I feel like her mom...

HUGS mama....

heeh I forgot I posted on this thread yesterday.....
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=452989

[maya44]

Of course 3 year olds are fascinated with their ability to control others. That is natural.

And of course they may have a meltdown when they can't: How disapointing!

But the solution is not to allow the possibity of a tantrum to control you. If you have expressed a limit and done so gently, you must not respond to his demands to say something a different way. It does not serve him well.

Not responding to this does not mean ignoring him. You should provide sympathy and comfort during his tantrum. But let it run its course.

Once he starts to understand that he can survive the limit, can survive not controlling you, he will not fear it in the way he clearly does now.

[Piglet68]

ITA with maya.

When my DD turned 3 it was also a shock. I admit I began to fall "off the GD wagon". I started scolding, then yelling, then putting either her or myself in the bedroom so I wouldn't do something else I'd regret...it was not pretty.

I finally realized I had headed down the slippery slope of engaging in power struggles, and punitive/controlling parenting. This is a disaster with 3 year olds. They will force you to continually "up the ante" until you are in a place you never wanted to be.

With verbal issues, like what you describe with your son, the key is to not let it get to you. He's experimenting with the power of words, and when you react it becomes something he needs to persue and more fully explore. As maya said, you don't ignore him, this isn't a punishment. You just go about what you are doing with an element of calm.

A conversation takes two people. You can stay connected with him through body language, eye contact, etc...but you don't have to respond to everything he says.

[Yoshua]

Yake didn't want anything we gave him, even if we gave him options.


He would say 'Yes I want it' and then we would bring it to him and he would cry bloody murder because we brought what we wanted to him.


Such as a cup of water.



What I started to do was wait for him to ask, not really verbally respond, go get what he wanted and put it on the table in sight of him so he could see it was there.


Then on his own volition he would go and get it himself.



That is one of the ways we handled it, we are still handling it, but it is less now than it was.


It is like they are exploring boundaries, if you don't give them definate walls to push against, they seem to push less hard.

[katallen]

DD is a little bossy but I set limits on what we will do and if she doesn't like the way I have done something I will either tell her to do it herself or if that isn't an option I will tell her that that is the way it is going to be. If he is pushing for limits you really should set some. If his behavior is worse when your focus is off of him then plan for it and decide what you will do ahead of time (help him follow directions, leave because he is hurting others, have him sit down until he is ready to stop the inappropriate behavior).

I find it is also helpful to let her plan some of the day, I tell her what we are going to do in advance, and I let her express some bossiness and some of what may be considered talking back just as long as she is still following directions while she does it.

[LoupdelaTerre]

I have a bossy 3 year old. lol
So far, all I've been doing is when she bosses me to do something, I remind her that she won't get what she wants by bossing. "We ask for things politely. And we don't get mean if we don't get the things." There's a rule in this house -- It's ok to be angry. It's never ok to be mean. -- I'm sure eventually it will all kick in.

My biggest problem is not bossing her around. She'll put her hands on her hips and say "MothERRRR. We say please, please." Heheehe

[Nu_Mommy_2003]

Let me get this straight:

Don't let him tell me what to say - correct?
Don't give in to the tantrums - correct?
No matter how hard his pushes the matter, don't lose it - correct?

Is this right?

Any suggestion on how I can keep calm thru all this? I've try not react to his words but keep eye contact while DS starts screaming his words at me. If I still don't give in then he reacts by hitting or pushing while yelling and crying. I'm pregnant and lose my patience really fast these days. He really tries to pushes my limit these days. Also, he absolutely refuse to go to time-out now or be removed from a situation. He will fight, hit, run, hide, or scream at you "make me" (while running away).

I am to far along in my pregnancy to pick him up and remove him from problems (he knows this too). And when I get fed up and strain myself to pick him up, he starts hitting and twisting to get loose. It is a lot of work, stress and straining for me.

Any alternative consequences for pushing the limits?

[MAMom]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this thread......my about-to-turn-three year old is severely pushing the limits of my GD abilities.

I'll be :

___________________________________
SAHM to a spectacular DS (5/2003) & delightful DD (2/2006 HBAC!)
“You never know when you are making a memory.” ~ Rickie Lee Jones

[maya44]

Originally Posted by Nu_Mommy_2003

Let me get this straight:

Don't let him tell me what to say - correct?
Don't give in to the tantrums - correct?
No matter how hard his pushes the matter, don't lose it - correct?

Is this right?

Any suggestion on how I can keep calm thru all this? I've try not react to his words but keep eye contact while DS starts screaming his words at me. If I still don't give in then he reacts by hitting or pushing while yelling and crying. I'm pregnant and lose my patience really fast these days. He really tries to pushes my limit these days. Also, he absolutely refuse to go to time-out now or be removed from a situation. He will fight, hit, run, hide, or scream at you "make me" (while running away).

I am to far along in my pregnancy to pick him up and remove him from problems (he knows this too). And when I get fed up and strain myself to pick him up, he starts hitting and twisting to get loose. It is a lot of work, stress and straining for me.

Any alternative consequences for pushing the limits?

What I would do is to offer hugs, sympathy etc... but if he is pushing you or hitting you then annouce:

"You can not hit me. That is not safe. I will be in the (living room, my room whatever) folding the towels if you need me" And then exit.

If he follows try to position yourself away from him as much as possble. Really do something like fold laundry that is mindless and will help you get to a zen place.

[loraxc]

Mine is only two, but my friend with a 3-year-old refers to her as "Advanced Placement Two" because she is deeply into this bossy stage, too, complete with constantly ordering me what to say and what not to say. (I posted a thread about it here not long ago!) With the very bossy tone of voice, we pleasantly ask her to "Try again." She knows what this means (ask again with a "please" and a more pleasant tone) and most of the time does it, at which time I will do the thing she asked me to do (presuming it's a reasonable request, of courese!) This has been good because it is a neutral reminder and curbs my tendency to blah, blah, blah, lecture. (We have explained to her that people like to be asked more nicely.) It also makes me feel less like a doormat.

As for her telling me what to say/how to say it, per the suggestions on my other thread, I have been trying just affirming her: "Oh, I see--you wanted to say that" or "You didn't want me to say it that way." I don't generally rephrase, but I let her know that I heard her, anyway.

[SpiralWoman]

great thread! I need to hear about this.
just this morning DS yelled in a very mean bossy voice, "MORE EGGS!" While I was giving him more eggs, I asked him if he felt angry, he said no. I asked if he was mad at me, he said no. He looked a little confused, so I filled in. I said he used a really mean sounding, angry voice when he asked for his eggs. He said "oh". Later he said "I NEED MORE APPLE JUICE!!!!" right away I said "Wow, that was the mean angry voice again" & he was like "oh!" I asked if he felt angry or mad & he said no, so I said "Why don't you say it again with a voice that sounds happy & kind?" & he did & we giggled.
We'll see if it works again next time oh, & he is almost 3
~Maria

[annarosa]

my dd has the habit recently of telling me what to say and wanting me to say it exactly
sometimes I do if I feel it is no big deal
otherwise basically I say to her " dd you decide what you say and I decide what I say" - I repeat this if required and either give another reply to what she is saying or else say nothing at all, or else change the subject or rhythm of what is going on so that the thread is stopped or diverted

sometimes this is about her desire to control me and sometimes I think it can also be about her desire to have an accurate mirror or reflection of herself in me - ie. needing me to really validate what she is thinking and saying - it is on those occassions too that I am more likely to repeat what she asks or stop myself in what i am doing and give her a deeper attention for a short time - maybe even just make sure that I am looking her in the eyes for a while ..............

[katallen]

Originally Posted by Nu_Mommy_2003

Let me get this straight:

Don't let him tell me what to say - correct?
Don't give in to the tantrums - correct?
No matter how hard his pushes the matter, don't lose it - correct?

Is this right?

Any suggestion on how I can keep calm thru all this? I've try not react to his words but keep eye contact while DS starts screaming his words at me. If I still don't give in then he reacts by hitting or pushing while yelling and crying. I'm pregnant and lose my patience really fast these days. He really tries to pushes my limit these days. Also, he absolutely refuse to go to time-out now or be removed from a situation. He will fight, hit, run, hide, or scream at you "make me" (while running away).

I am to far along in my pregnancy to pick him up and remove him from problems (he knows this too). And when I get fed up and strain myself to pick him up, he starts hitting and twisting to get loose. It is a lot of work, stress and straining for me.

Any alternative consequences for pushing the limits?

I find that it works very well to read a book or listen to a pair of headphones when dd has a major tantrum. It may also help to bring a stroller that you can quickly put him in and remove him from the situation with a minimum of fighting. I will tell dd that I am there for her when she is ready for me and then tune out of tantrums and after the first few tantrums she realized that I meant it and asks me to show her how to take deep breathes instead of reading my book which I do. We have hardly any tantrums we are out because we left a fun activity one time during a huge (30 minute) tantrum with hitting and screeching and she did not like having to leave and she realizes now that I was very serious about leaving and that we will leave again if it happens.

[Piglet68]

He can't hit or kick you if you move away. I don't mean leave entirely, but stay out of harm's way. I would probably do as Maya suggested. I'd say "do you want hugs?" if there was no answer or she said no then I'd say okay, I'll be right over here when you need me.

I have left places on the rare occasion when DD has had a meltdown, but not as punishment. I have never let her think that if she has a tantrum we will leave someplace fun. I don't think kids can really control the way they express emotions under certain circumstances, but I think they can suppress emotions in the threat of punishment, and I don't think that's healthy. Instead the two of us go somewhere quiet where she can ride it out. We've talked about taking time for ourselves, and sometimes at home she'll say she wants to be alone and go to the bedroom to really "let it all out" but we've never ever made her do that. Then when times are calm we'll talk about how she felt then, and what she could do to help her release those feelings, etc.

The thing is, you admit that it is YOU who loses it and needs to find patience, etc. So I think instead of focussing on your son's behaviour and tantrums you should focus on yourself. Figure out triggers you can look for that let you know you are losing it. Plan things you can do to help yourself "find a happy place". It's your choice to let your son's emotions affect you or not.

[ShadowMom]

Originally Posted by maya44

What I would do is to offer hugs, sympathy etc... but if he is pushing you or hitting you then annouce:

"You can not hit me. That is not safe. I will be in the (living room, my room whatever) folding the towels if you need me" And then exit.

If he follows try to position yourself away from him as much as possble. Really do something like fold laundry that is mindless and will help you get to a zen place.

Maya44, I really like your perspective so I would like to know what you (or others too) would do in these situations.

1. DS asks me to bring something up on the computer (He's sitting on my lap at the computer). I don't do it fast enough, so he smacks me.

2. DS is trying to learn how to use the computer... the mouse doesn't always do what he wants. Sometimes while sitting on my lap it frustrates him and he will kick out and hit, not so much at me just in my general direction.

3. DS asks me to bring something up on the computer. I don't understand what he wants, so he hits me.

I'm really struggling with some of these areas. If my reaction were to be to not do what he wants, and leave the room, that seems like punishment to me. But if I stay and try to do what he wants, it's like I'm saying it's OK to hit mama.

I'd really love some input on this. I know the hitting and kicking won't last forever, unless I really screw up. But I want him to know that it is not acceptable, too.

[maya44]

Originally Posted by KristiMetz

Maya44, I really like your perspective so I would like to know what you (or others too) would do in these situations.


1. DS asks me to bring something up on the computer (He's sitting on my lap at the computer). I don't do it fast enough, so he smacks me.


2. DS is trying to learn how to use the computer... the mouse doesn't always do what he wants. Sometimes while sitting on my lap it frustrates him and he will kick out and hit, not so much at me just in my general direction.


3. DS asks me to bring something up on the computer. I don't understand what he wants, so he hits me.

I'm really struggling with some of these areas. If my reaction were to be to not do what he wants, and leave the room, that seems like punishment to me. But if I stay and try to do what he wants, it's like I'm saying it's OK to hit mama.

I'd really love some input on this. I know the hitting and kicking won't last forever, unless I really screw up. But I want him to know that it is not acceptable, too.

I would

1. Take him off my lap

2. Look him squarely in the eye

3. Taking gentle hold of his shoulders

4. Say in a very low, very serious voice:

"You may not hit me. That is not OK."

5. Put him back on my lap and continue with the computer. If he should continue to hit, I'd say "we have to stop this. I can't allow you to hit me." And get up.

[nancy926]

I would not put him on my lap when I was on the computer. That would prevent any of those instances from occurring. He can learn how to use the computer when he's older and it's less frustrating.

If DD were on my lap and asked me to do something on the computer and it was taking too long so she hit ME, I would say something like "We don't hit." Then remove her from the room and find something else for both of us to do. Then see above - no more sitting on my lap on the computer.

Three is so tough. They can act so old, have these amazing questions and insights, and then melt down because their sandwich was cut the wrong way.

The thing is, many 3-year-olds have been "bossed around" for years now. They are told what to do, when to do it, now we have to get dressed, now it's time to do that, get in the car, don't run, stay here, stop that...it's only natural that they want to test it out a bit, yk?

If our DD is asking us something in a bossy way, we tend to ignore her, since we know that she knows how to ask politely. If she's just telling us to do something a certain way or that we did something the "wrong" way, I use it as an opportunity to talk about how there usually isn't one "right" way to do something.

She has just started hitting DH, but has never hit me. He takes the Playful Parenting approach and so far that has worked. We'll see. That is one of my hot buttons, so if she ever hits me I'm afraid I'll be much less playful about it.....