Inappropriate vent about another mom

[xmasbaby7]

This is really urking me, and I just have to get this off my chest (and perhaps there is something I can do, but I doubt it.)

I attend this great moms group every week, and everyone is really smart and supportive (like you guys!) and there was a mom there with a 10 day old baby.

It was her first time there (obviously) and she announced that she had to give up breastfeeding, but admitted she was insecure about making the wrong choice. I don't remember the reason she gave then, but I remember thinking it wasn't any different than what I went through to get bf on the right track.

Naturally, we gave her good advice and the name of the area's best lactation consultant and told her to give it one more try under the supervision of an expert and that she demand the support of her DH, too, while mom and baby got back on track.


She shows up this week(2 weeks later), told us she never called the lactation consultant that we all know is one of the best inthe areas. Her neighbor had one show up and worked with her though. She said she just couldn't do all of the pumping she needed to and gave up.

Her item to share this week is that her ds never seems happy, he is always suffering to her, or crying, and he never seems calm or content.

I feel really bad at this point for her tiny little one, and she says the reason why he is so unhappy and possibly colicky according to her ped is that HE NEEDS MORE FORMULA THAN HIS SYSTEM CAN HANDLE.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

I told her that was absurd rather bluntly and I feel bad, cause she's still in that deer-caught-in-the-headlights phase of newbornness. But I tried to explain that overfeeding can cause problems.

I just feel bad her baby. This mom has too much noise around here to channel in to her mamma bear and her baby isn't very happy.

[allnaturalmama]

So sad.

[darkpear]

Argh. I really really hate that formula is presented as the easy way out! I hear so many stories like this and it never gets any easier.

I don't totally blame people (especially struggling new moms) for being unable to discern good information from bad though, especially when the bad info so often comes from the medical community, relatives, or other sources that they're used to thinking of as trustworthy, though. It's not easy to go against the grain. It just makes me sad, for the babies, the moms and for society at large - everybody loses out when breastfeeding is undermined

[Taedareth]

That is really sad. Maybe she'll turn out to be one of those moms who becomes determined to "do it right" with her next baby because of her bad experience with this one. We can hope.

[DesireeH]

[LittleLlama]

I just talked to a mom (in stern tones) who said her "goal" was to bf for 6 months, but since he's just taking so long to eat, she thinks she'll give up at 3. I told her that if time is what's important (she's even a SAHM and this is her only) then be prepared for time spent in line for formula every week, time spent in the doctor's office because baby is sick with something preventable and time spent having to work at getting a secure bond with your baby. I don't think anyone had EVER told her that breastfeeding is SO DANG IMPORTANT, just that if you can to give it a shot and if you don't like it, stop. :

[oliversmum2000]

i thought you meant the woman had decided to give up at 3 years i was going to shout huray - then i realised you meant 3 months

[IncaMama]

i don't understand it. i just don't.

[persephone3]

argh. there's so much misinformation out there - i remember reading over and over again that breastfeeding is great, but if it doesn't "work" for you, then don't feel guilty about giving it up. it's like, no one would just say, look, bfing is the absolute best thing you can do for your baby, and you should try EVERY possible thing before you even *think* about giving it up.

poor little guy.

[xmasbaby7]

Originally Posted by persephone3

argh. there's so much misinformation out there - i remember reading over and over again that breastfeeding is great, but if it doesn't "work" for you, then don't feel guilty about giving it up. it's like, no one would just say, look, bfing is the absolute best thing you can do for your baby, and you should try EVERY possible thing before you even *think* about giving it up.

poor little guy.

I agree, and what I also think is not right is that we are supposed to support women who decide not to breastfeed and respect their choice like the choice compares to paper or plastic. (Granted, there are many women who really do have to use formula and I am not talking about them).

If we didn't feel we had to practice such tolerance, when studies show breastfeeding is superior in EVERY way, perhaps those moms who can't be bothered would try harder from peer pressure, since doing it for their little one isn't enough motivation, at least for the first 3 months.

A midwife I know said, "there is a big difference between the women who say they are going to try to breastfeed and have a natural birth, and those who say they ARE breastfeeding and having a natural birth."

[amygoforth]

My heart breaks for the babies every time I hear stories like this--and I hear them all too often around here. I'm usually diplomatic and non-confrontational, but I'm really starting to get fed up with all the misinformation and non-support given to new moms re: breastfeeding and newborn behavior. I'm starting to feel like a big HYPOCRIT every time I nod sympathetically to a new mom talking about her baby crying all the time and how breastfeeding isn't working out and she isn't producing enough milk. I know it's hard, and you're doing your best, I always say. What I don't say is TUNE OUT ALL THE JUNK AND FOCUS ON YOUR BABY!

Please don't get me wrong, mamas. I have a very dear friend who had real breastfeeding issues, and a baby who cried a lot and who seriously wasn't getting enough milk. So I know these issues exist. The difference? This mom committed herself to breastfeeding, explored her options, talked to several lactation consultants, pumped her boobs off, and eventually had (and continues to have) a successful breastfeeding experience with her baby.

So many new moms are so scared and nervous with their babies, and any advice seems good if it sounds like it'll make their baby a happier baby. I get so damn mad at myself for not speaking up.

So I'm making a promise to myself. From now on, I'm going to speak my mind to these mamas. As gently as possible, but still speak it.

Sorry to ramble. I'm having a serious brain barf. My point is this: Robin, would you feel comfortable calling this new mom on the phone, or pulling her aside to talk alone at the next playgroup? Maybe gently explaining to her how you know it's incredibly hard with a newborn, but that breastfeeding so so important, etc... It may be too late, and it may very well be that she was looking for an excuse to give up. But at least you tried one more time.

[kgrfcharlton]

It is all b/c it is presented to mothers as a choice & they don't know how important it is. A lactation nurse I talked to one time said she wishes formula would be by prescription only. Wouldn't that be the day.

My very good friend is a wonderful mother, but she is probably not going to breastfeed more than a couple of weeks. I tried to talk to her, but she's surrounded by other mothers who used formula. What do you do?

[Turtlemum]

I agree with so much that has been said here. The biggest diservice to women having trouble breastfeeding (or experiencing challenges) is the widely held belief that formula will be easier...

I once had a client who had a high needs, fussy baby. Her relatives reassured her that if she would just switch to formula he would settle down and sleep much better. Of course she was all for this and despite many, many homevisits for support she switched to formula. AND GUESS WHAT!! It was worse!

She was baffled and really down after the switch. The whole situation made me so sad.

Sorry for the ramble....

Kelli

[darkpear]

I really wish we could get the importance of chiropractic out there, too. My oldest was a hospital birth (pushed her out in lithotomy position with pitocin, epidural and the works, so no wonder she had issues! Nurses shoved a paci in her mouth every chance they got, too.) and she had the hardest time nursing until I took her in for an adjustment. Two IBCLCs and numerous peds couldn't even tell us where to start - thank gods for the internet and my own stubbornness. Moira nursed beautifully from the start, and I birthed her on all fours, into water... I don't know, I'm sure some of it depends on the baby as well as the birth circumstances, but I really think the whole system just sets moms up to fail.

[Taedareth]

Darkpear - that observation about the birth circumstances and chiropractic adjustment is fascinating! Our baby was born into water, too, from a squatting position. He did have some latch issues that we had to overcome in the first weeks, but when I took him to a chiropractic checkup at 4 months, the chiro said his spinal health and range of motion etc. were absolutely perfect. Maybe gentle birth had something to do with that.

[anonymous4_20]

The formula thing drives me crazy! Both my mother and my MIL were formula feeders who think it's a much easier way to go. My mom has mostly come around, but MIL, who claims to have wanted to bf, is still giving my troubles. I've fortunately had an easy time breastfeeding, but I've got a bit of a fussy baby. We got over the colic, but he's still gassy and upset about everything. My MIL keeps insisting that it's the breastfeeding that's causing it. She called at 2 months to suggest that he was like a "girl at her work" who's baby was--get this--allergic to her breastmilk. I calmly explained that this was pretty much impossible. A few weeks later, she suggested that I pump and give him a set amount of milk because he wasn't getting enough and that way I could measure what he got. I thought she'd given up, but she called DH at work the other day because she was afraid to talk to me because I "wanted to breastfeed so badly." She was convinced that he's still gassy because he's lactose intolerant! DH lit into her, which was awesome (he's a bit of a lactivist ) She finally took a look at DS today (16 lbs, 27 inches) and said that he probably was getting enough to eat.

He's gaining well, he's healthy, so why should his fussiness be caused by my breastmilk? Everyone automatically assumes that, and it really annoys me. Thank goodness for MDC and LLL! I might have taken everyone's advice if I hadn't done my research!

[kgrfcharlton]

OMG, Amanda! My MIL gets under my skin & she really doesn't even do much interfering. When I read your post, I was getting so mad. I sounds like she does not like breastfeeding & is using every little stab to get you to stop. If only she would open your eyes to see how you are giving your baby the best food he could get.

[mlec]

Originally Posted by anonymous4_20

who claims to have wanted to bf, is still giving my troubles. I've fortunately had an easy time breastfeeding, but I've got a bit of a fussy baby. We got over the colic, but he's still gassy and upset about everything. My MIL keeps insisting that it's the breastfeeding that's causing it.

Sounds like my MIL a couple of years back. I *was* having probs bfing and my dd was gass and fussy. MIL kept wringing her hands over the bfing. Turned out my dd is allergic to COW's milk. As soon as I cut dairy out of MY diet, she was totally FINE. Hmmm. Good thing I didn't switch to/supplement w/ formula.

[judybean]

There is a TON of misinformation out there. Tons. And even for those who really try to sift through it all, there's a terrible lack of support. At least that's what I found with my first two. I 'tried' to bf, but gave up and ff. My trying consisted only of a few days. I was completely doomed from the start with dd1. At the hospital, two nurses were working with me to bf (neither had children) and told me all about how I had flat nipples and, "gosh, things aren't goin well at all"... yeah, it didn't motivate me at all. First-time-momness, no sleep, and being completely overwhelmed... and then those who are supposedly 'experts' in medicine are telling me how terrible things are? I gave up.

The second time around I was a bit more educated, but still had no support (no LLL around here for 90 miles) and everybody I knew used formula. I gave it a couple of days, but after cracking and bleeding nipples... and knowing that I had to return to work in just four weeks... I caved.

This time around? Oh goodness... you mamas here have given me So Much Support. I seriously don't know if I would have made it without you .... except that I know too much. A responsibility comes with knowledge. And maybe it was a drug-free birth that helped as well.