Am I too laid back?

[ma_Donna]

It seems like my tolerance for DS (2y7mo) 'getting into' things is much higher than other parents in many situations. I'm always there for him, paying attention but not intervening a lot. My general assessment on a lot of situations is that he'll most likely be OK, but if he's not, the injury is most likely minimal. I'll point out things to him that I think may happen (like if he's stepping on something wobbly) and stop him if he's getting in over his head or truly dangerous (climbing up the stepladder).

I have said before that I have an 'emergency room' tolerance for his getting hurt, but that's a bit of an exaggeration.

I doubt that is an accurate description, let me give some examples.

I do not constantly put DS gloves/mittens back on, but will put them back on in a short bit before he gets too cold.

I will let him play in a puddle until he gets soaked because it's just a 5 minute drive home and I'll plunk him in a warm bath.

I will let him slide down the (little) slide however he wants as long as there's not an imminent danger at the bottom (ie rocks).

I let him stand up in the bathtub and climb out himself.

If he falls I'll wait a few moments to see his reaction & if he's upset I'll scoop him up, otherwise be pretty 'matter of fact' about it.

In a lot of ways I think this general approach is good, I am not micromanaging, I am not generating fear of doing things for himself, OTOH he is pretty fearless, but not extremely so.

There have been a couple of occasions recently where another parent that was standing close to him have intervened (gently and nicely), like when he was climbing up the ladder on a swingset & when he fell (on that one I was giving it a moment to see his reaction and turns out he did start crying, the other Mom was the classroom parent for the day at our Waldorf school & the playgroup & pre-K kids were playing together).

I guess this is an area I'm feeling peer pressure on and wonder if I'm too 'laid back'.

[blessed]

You sound totally normal to me.

I'll just add that my dd regularly climbs the stepladder in our garage. She knows how to go to the top and back down again with no assistance at all.

[BelgianSheepDog]

If you're too laid back...what is a parent "supposed" to do in those situations? Fight with the kid over mittens? (I see this on the bus all the time in the winter, drives me nuts because it's a pointless power struggle. Kid takes off coat--on the nice, warm, heated bus--mom says "put your coat on" "no" "put your coat on" "no" repeat until everyone present wants to scream "let her take her coat off!!!!@!@%!!") Pull the kid out of the puddle as soon as he's damp and rush him home and disinfect him? React like there's been a nuclear attack every time the kid falls?

IOW I think you're being normal and other people are being too high strung.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

This is exactly how I am, and I am sure glad you posted, because I was wondering the same thing and starting to feel like a bad mom. At the post office the other day, DD was playing by the window sill, and climbed on it (it was only 1 foot off the ground and it looked totally safe to me) and a lady in line said, "Oh my god! She's on the windowsill! Come here, sweety, come here sweety" and ran over and got her. I said, "thanks for looking out for her" and then I felt badly, because I never thought she was in any danger and was going to let her stay there as long as she wanted.

Not to hijack... but I'm interested in the responses you get, too.

[pianojazzgirl]

I'm probably one of those "other moms" who worries too much! It's so hard to find a balance. Your approach sounds totally healthy to me though... In fact it's something I strive for!

[Twocoolboys]

I'm pretty laid back too. I like a lot of what you described that you do and do the same. I have to say that I sometimes feel like a slacker when other parents are freaking out about something that I am laid back about - lol. Puddle jumping is definitely ok in my book!

[ABand3]

You sound a lot like me, which *I* think is normal

See my post on a similar issue http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=452907

I get people telling me all the time how laid back I am...why is everyone else so stressed out?

[Strong Mama]

I am the same too!!! I am so laid back. I dont fight ds about anything. Even once, when he was being a bit stubborn and wanting to wear his long shorts outside (to the car, in the store, and then back in the car) in 40 degree weather and he was so adamant about it, i let him. That got a lot of looks. He kept saying he was cold. I think he learned a lesson and he didnt ask for shorts after that! (in cold weather) The only time i freak is when he is climbing something high, hes a bit on the clumsy side so i worry. But other than that, yeah, weve been soaked head to toe from puddles walking through town and tons of stuff like that.

[Bridge's Mom]

I strive to be this way

If you are too laid back, then I really need improvement. I am learning to let go so much more, sigh, you inspire me. Perhaps you can reply with things you say and do that would help me

[georgia]

You sound like you have an excellent grasp on his abilities--and you're his expert I'm the mom today who had the woman at the Nature Center gasping, did you know they were running with MARKERS?? and your daughter has a lizard crawling on her shirt!!!

Yes, and if you stick around, they may even walk fast with safety scissors if you're not careful and just wait 'til dd wants the lizard to kiss her!

Trust your instincts. Seriously, don't let others' fears become yours. You know his strengths and weaknesses, needs and capabilities better than anyone.

[Liz]

I am the same but it's important to note that we know our kids and their capabilities and the strangers do not. My son is not clumsy or careless, he's a pretty cautious kid so I know if he's trying something new he's pretty confident about it. Other people may have kids who are clumsy, reckless, etc. I will point out potential dangers "just watch that sharp corner behind your head" kind of thing because kids don't always notice the things we do. One thing that I started pretty early was if he was trying something I was a little worried about or if I saw him hesitate I ask "Do you feel safe?" or "Does that feel safe?" and if he said yes I'd say then go ahead BUT if he said no I'd say then don't do it. I just made him stop and listen to his gut. It's an especially important lesson when he's trying something because another kid is doing it. It's important he make the call based on his gut and not be pressured by me or anybody else. When he wanted to jump from the top of the radiator, approx. 3 feet off the ground, over the back of the couch on to the couch about a 4 foot jump, both dh (Mr Dare Devil) and I said "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this" but ds said he felt he could do it so we let him try. It's his favourite trick now and he's never hurt himself. Phew.

[sunshinestarr]

You sound pretty normal to me, too.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by ma_Donna

I'll point out things to him that I think may happen (like if he's stepping on something wobbly) and stop him if he's getting in over his head or truly dangerous (climbing up the stepladder).

I do not constantly put DS gloves/mittens back on, but will put them back on in a short bit before he gets too cold.

I will let him play in a puddle until he gets soaked because it's just a 5 minute drive home and I'll plunk him in a warm bath.

I will let him slide down the (little) slide however he wants as long as there's not an imminent danger at the bottom (ie rocks).

I let him stand up in the bathtub and climb out himself.

If he falls I'll wait a few moments to see his reaction & if he's upset I'll scoop him up, otherwise be pretty 'matter of fact' about it.

check, check, check, check, check, and check.

Sounds just about right to me!

...and this made me laugh out loud.

Originally Posted by BelgianSheepDog

React like there's been a nuclear attack every time the kid falls?

My mom has said with our "mr. danger" she doesn't know how I don't pass out regularly, but she has learned a LOT about not rushing to his side every single time he bonks himself or stumbles. I told her if I gasped and hovered over him every time he bonked or fell, I'd be up for an Oscar. I gauge my level of response on his reaction to what happened, and he's now really able to tell me if he's hurt himself, or just scared, or wants a hug or whatever. I also do give him head's up about things that I think aren't such a great idea, and try to show him safer ways to do things when he's wanting to do something that seems a little precarious to me.

So obviously I think you're doing fine. Just the other day on the way back from the midwife, I was pointing out puddles and water flows in the road and parking lot for DS to jump into on our way to the car...and I got a couple "looks". Spoil Sports. We were home in 10 minutes, riding in a nice warm car, and then easily changed into dry clothes and hung his sneaks to dry.


ETA: I also think there's something to be said for showing our kids that we trust them to trust themselves and their abilities, I think it helps them build confidence and learn their own limits.

[shanesmama]

That is how I am. My ds isn't the total adventure seaker, but when he falls, I wait to see, if he is really crying or just' whining' and I nver try to make a big deal out of it, because then he just clings onto those negative feelings longer.

[Yooper]

I am pretty laid back with dd. I let her do things many other parents wouldn't. But one thing that bugs me is when we are around other kids (toddlers usually) and one falls, I always ask if they are OK. I do not make a big deal out of it or rush to thier sides, but I react the way I would when anyone has a small accident. I ask "Are you OK?" in a very matter of fact tone. There are a couple of parents that have asked me not to do that. They say it will just make thier child cry. I think that is sort of silly. My dd is quite tough and does not cry unless she needs to. I ask her if she is OK anytime I hear or see a crash. I just think it is part of modelling manners.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Yooper

But one thing that bugs me is when we are around other kids (toddlers usually) and one falls, I always ask if they are OK. I do not make a big deal out of it or rush to thier sides, but I react the way I would when anyone has a small accident. I ask "Are you OK?" in a very matter of fact tone.

Good point. And when I think about it, I do this too -more like a checking in, and I dont' usually go to him unless he tells me "no", then I go to him and give hugs and kisses as much as needed and check him over. Most of the time though he says, "I OK mommy"

But I do see your point. There's a difference between,

"Oh my goodness! Are YOU OK??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" running over to the child

and

"You all right?" or "OK?" recognizing that something happened, but letting them set the pace.

[Justmee]

Originally Posted by ma_Donna

I will let him slide down the (little) slide however he wants as long as there's not an imminent danger at the bottom (ie rocks).

I let him stand up in the bathtub and climb out himself.

Well I will be the stick in the mud and say these 2 things are outright dangerous. I used to work in first aid and I have seen horrific injuries from kids going down even "little" slides head first. One wrong angle and the neck is easily injured or even snapped Yes, 99.5% of kids who slide down head first will not get injured seriously, but you don't want you child in the other group. IMO / E it is not worth the risk. It's like saying 99.8% of the time dc would have been fine in the car w/o a carseat, but we always put them in the carseat because we are afraid of the .2% of the time they wouldn't be.

I would be a little less concerned with the bathtub, but I would still not allow it. Again IF there is an injury there is a high risk of a head injury. IMO it's different then letting a kid play around on the couch b/c the chances they could fall off the couch onto their head really ARE slim. But if a child slips in the tub there is a good chance he will hit his head, and a chance he could sustain a more severe injury. Certainly with a slide there is more risk than I would like to take.

All the other stuff I agree 100%. If a child wants to crawl on a ledge a foot off the ground let him, but sliding headfirst and bathrooms?

[passionfaerie]

I am the same way, and in my circle of friends and family (some of whom are verrrrrrrry overprotective imo ) I get some flack for it.
I've tried to force myself to be more... attentive? Intrusive? not sure of the right word... but its just not the way I am. And with my kids it works well for us. So far, no broken bones, and no trips to the ER. Not to say it won't happen, but I do my best and try to remember that my mom and dad were the same way and we turned out fine.
Just wondering... do any of you laid back moms pick out your kids clothes? I have a belief that as long as its weather appropriate, they can wear whatever they want. So, we get some looks when my DD wears a tutu and rainboots to the store, but I just really can't bring myself to argue with them about it.
Hell, I wear rainboots with skirts too!

[Piglet68]

Well, my DS has always loved to slide headfirst down the slide, and since I'm always right there next to him I don't consider it risky at all. It's not like he's going mach 9 down there, lol.

The bathtub thing I'm more careful about, since I worry about hitting head on hard bathtub. With that said, I'm right there when DS wants to get out so I help him. DD does it all by herself, but she's a naturally cautious child so it's not an issue.

I think you are normal and that your children will benefit from being allowed to do their own thing and gain confidence in their abilities. It's amazing to me how some parents sit there the whole playtime nattering on about "you'll fall! not safe! you can't do that!" and I wonder if the child has any self-confidence left at all....

Anyways, my only suggestion is to make sure that if other parents and children are involved that you don't seem too slow to react if your child is affecting others. If your child is holding up the line to the slide, if they are hitting another child, getting in their face, etc...as a parent nothing bothers me more than parents whose children need to be attended to and the parents don't do anything.

[nextcommercial]

I feel exactly as you do. I let my daughter get hurt. The saying in my house is "She will only do it once". Meaning that she will learn from her experience.

I STILL let any of my daycare kids play in a puddle. I let them climb big rocks. I want them to experience these things. Yes, they fall down, a few cry, but usually they are too interested in going back up that they don't want to be stopped.

If you are too laid back, then so am I.