For those who have survived physical abuse

[snugg_bug]

I'm not sure where to post this (I'm not allowed in the surviving abuse forum yet) Furthermore, I am talking about sexual abuse, so if this will make you uncomfortable, do not read it. I am not getting graphic here, just have a question.

I am trying to understand how one of my girlfriends can continue to have a relationship with her father after knowing what he did to her younger brother. The whole family knew, her mother left him when she was about 18 and her brother was then 6. Fast-forward, she is in her early 30's and a couple of years ago she confronted her brother about it because no one was sure he remembered. He knew, and he revealed to her that it was not only her father, but the uncle as well. Anyways, the entire family (except the mom) continues to be in contact with him, and seemingly carry on like nothing happened. Oh sure she expresses bitterness, but my God! She invited him to her wedding, and got together with him and the rest of the family for Easter! I wonder if when she has children, if she will allow him near them? Her older sister has 2 children, and absolutely denies anything ever happened, and yes, he sees her kids. I get pretty frustrated when I hear that everyone is so non-chalant about this thing, but then again, I'm not in their shoes so I don't know. But I am trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with everyone??

[aira]

I can never understand those things.

I am a person who tends to remove toxic people from my life. So I really don't relate.

But I have seen the phenomenon too, and scratched my head every time.

It's one thing to deny it outright - that I can see how they'd keep a relationship, if they're thickly oblivious. But to acknowledge it and still keep the abuser around?

[shanesmama]

I am a sexual abuse survivor, I don't get these things at all. When things came out in the open, my family was flipped upside down. It was my uncle, who had a child of his own, and a year or so later he had another child. My family has kept minimal contact w/ them, and I was always upset when they would go to visit, etc. My uncle of course flat out denied it. But I no longer hold any bitterness towards my family over it. I am guessing, it was becuase they wanted to see the grandchildren, and not want them to suffer because of their fathers wrong doing, so I can see that.

[ShadowMom]

Perhaps she has chosen to forgive him.

[snugg_bug]

Originally Posted by KristiMetz

Perhaps she has chosen to forgive him.

There is forgiveness, and then there is avoiding someone for the sake of your own sanity.

I understand that her brother still lives with the abuser, and that the dad keeps a shotgun under the bed because he's afraid that his son might one day take revenge - sounds real healthy to me.

[mbravebird]

I know this situation, from my own family. I spent years defending my mother's choice to continue to be a close friend to with the man who sexually abused me as a child. Beginning as a teenager, I justified it as being a "mature" way to work out my issues, with the abuser still there. I used to say to myself that everyone is imperfect, but still deserves love, which is why it was best that we continue to travel on the road of relating to my abuser.

These kinds of justifications take time to develop, and they develop as a survival mechanism. Once they have developed, it feels EXTREMELY dangerous to let them go. For a child who learned to survive by reading other's emotions and keeping the peace, the world feels as if it will collapse if a confrontation happens, especially with a parent figure who was and is supposed to be a protector. These issues are very difficult to address, and cannot be forced on someone, no matter how obvious it all seems to you.

Everything changed for me when I had a child. I realized then what it was to protect a child, and realized the profound lack of protection I had experienced. I began having nightmares the week before my baby was to meet the man who abused me, and I started getting a clue. My whole life has changed, and it's been a very difficult two years, more difficult than I am able to describe. At first what kept me going with the confrontation was the desire to protect my son. As I continued in therapy and with my personal work, I realized that I also had a right to protect myself. As obvious as that might seem to you, it was very difficult for me to realize.

What your friend and her brother and sister are risking, they might feel, is destroying their family, the only "safety" they have ever known. Perhaps if you can imagine that when they are dealing with this issue, they are still acting as children. I'm serious, imagine them as 6 and 7 and 10 and 12 year olds. Perhaps imagining them as children will help you have compassion for those children, trying to face this awful confusion and make it through.

For me, having a child helped me recognize that the needs of my child-self were different than those of my actual real baby in my arms. I had to learn to help the child inside of me in order to properly parent my baby. It made all the difference for me. I can't tell you what will make the difference for your friend.

She needs your compassion, and she also needs you to say what you feel. I still remember the people who said how they felt when I was in denial about it. I also remember that they were angry at me, which only made the pattern worse. Anger will not work here; deep compassion for them as you state your own sense of boundaries will.

Finally, are there any children being exposed without supervision to the uncle and father?

[snugg_bug]

Originally Posted by mbravebird

Finally, are there any children being exposed without supervision to the uncle and father?

I do not know, and I have not asked. If I were to learn that children were being left alone with them, there is nothing I could do because I do not know names or locations of these individuals, and furthermore, if my friend were not already making any attempts to do something about it, then I highly doubt I would have any influence over her to change her mind.

[mbravebird]

Originally Posted by snugg_bug

I do not know, and I have not asked. if my friend were not already making any attempts to do something about it, then I highly doubt I would have any influence over her to change her mind.

If there are kids still involved, your responsibility is not to change her mind, but to simply shine a light on the situation -- in short, your responsibility is to ask the question.

My suggestion is to find a way to ask, as compassionately as possible, if kids are still exposed to them. If you are able to frame the question right, then maybe it will elicit a helpful conversation with your friend. No one wants to see more kids getting hurt, including your friend.

[Bridge's Mom]

Sexual Abuse Survivor

Hi,

Thank you so much for opening up this dialogue. I too am not allowed in the sexual abuse forum and I am deeply saddened about this rule. Many people find it easier to protect a family pattern than have the courage, strength, intention, and determination to go against the grain and change it. If you are religious or have deep faith beliefs I recommend sending prayers. I am always in honor of protecting the children. While my sexual abuse happened outside of the home, other abuses happened inside. For those abuses I confronted my family and have assisted in their change. I determined that if I did not experience the change in action I would leave my family. Other people have to come to terms in their own time. I recommend, if I may be so bold here, that you dialogue your concerns with the people of the family you are connected with. Start by asking questions. Awareness is everything. Having experienced a fabulous community who questions me on behalf of my son, there is real benefit especially in the uncomfortable moments.

Much gratitude for your openness,

Nicole

[guestmama9915]

Abuse between family members is complicated. PPs have already pretty much covered it, but I just wanted to chime in. My family has a lot of history of abuse. My mother used to be very physically and emotionally abusive, and my father may have been sexually abusive (I say may because he was never abusive to me, but my sister claims he was to her, but she's also been known to... well, make stories up - charges were dropped). It's kind of hard for me to even talk about it now, because it's a hush-hush thing.

We still gather for holidays. We act the happy part. I mean, we really ARE the happy family, for the most part... if you keep all the skeletons in the closet. I love my mom dearly. I would never do anything, ANYTHING to hurt her. And yet I grew up with beatings all the time. Not spanking, but real, pissed off beatings. Hair pulling. Kicking. Making me sleep outside. And yet here I am and I talk to her every week and we're actually pretty close.

So it may not make much sense to some people. Honestly, it doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps because of all the pain of the past, it's really made me yearn to have a mother, and so I accept the things she's done. If someone's family abuses them in any way and you cut that family out of your life, it leaves not only a wound but also an emptiness. Perhaps people don't want both, and so keeping in contact with that family, even if it pokes at the wound, it at least gets rid of the emptiess?

I don't know. It is weird.

[georgia]