We have no DC yet. I just wandered into here yesterday, and I'm glad I did! The no praise/reward thread really got me thinking. I was raised with 'positive reinforcement', and I craved the 'good work' 'A+' and puffy stickers - and even now I'm a bit lost since there seems to be no one to tell me when I'm doing it right (actually there sometimes is - but I've grown up enough to realize that they might not know what they are talking about 
).
Since GD is all about respectful relationships, I can see applying a lot of the principles to DH's and my relationship too. DH was brought up in a punitive household and boarding school, has struggles with depression and PTSD, and is a very in-the-now, anti-authority person. So things like housework, scheduling, and unpleasant tasks are really tough for him. And he's been struggling with a job hunt for quite a while now. I started out when we first lived together with everything scheduled (I like to feel in control of my surroundings
) - woah, backfire. Then I tried discussing things with him and finding a mutual way to solve the day-to-day issues - which blew up because he couldn't follow through, which made me feel like my world was turned upside down (you made the rules, then you don't follow them?). Then I got sick and let everything go - and we both got cranky for the lack of food, clean anything, money, or proper sleep. But he did step in far more then than at any other time! And I learned that he's much better with individual tasks that are almost always his (so he 'sees' them).
Now things are getting better, because we're both feeling healthier and both trust each other more - but I notice that I am falling into the 'positive reinforcement' mode, and I'm not sure where the dividing line is. I can see that saying 'I'm proud of you' when he gets up the nerve to go into the city and talk to potential employers (even though he's feeling crappy and is having asthma problems) is creating a bad loop (he already mentioned that he's afraid of letting me down - which probably happens in the day-to-day search now too because what if he can't do everything that day?). But I am proud of him. How do I get excited for him without making it about pleasing me? The housework is more subtle. I always try to thank him for his effort, and he thanks me for mine. I think we're getting on more of an even keel here, since it could be either of us who gets up to cook dinner, etc - but is this still manipulative, or just appreciative of not having to do it ourselves? I was trying to counteract the way his parents (still) react to his 'inability to get his act together', but I'm now seeing that I'm doing the same thing in a different way... Any insight?
).Since GD is all about respectful relationships, I can see applying a lot of the principles to DH's and my relationship too. DH was brought up in a punitive household and boarding school, has struggles with depression and PTSD, and is a very in-the-now, anti-authority person. So things like housework, scheduling, and unpleasant tasks are really tough for him. And he's been struggling with a job hunt for quite a while now. I started out when we first lived together with everything scheduled (I like to feel in control of my surroundings
) - woah, backfire. Then I tried discussing things with him and finding a mutual way to solve the day-to-day issues - which blew up because he couldn't follow through, which made me feel like my world was turned upside down (you made the rules, then you don't follow them?). Then I got sick and let everything go - and we both got cranky for the lack of food, clean anything, money, or proper sleep. But he did step in far more then than at any other time! And I learned that he's much better with individual tasks that are almost always his (so he 'sees' them).Now things are getting better, because we're both feeling healthier and both trust each other more - but I notice that I am falling into the 'positive reinforcement' mode, and I'm not sure where the dividing line is. I can see that saying 'I'm proud of you' when he gets up the nerve to go into the city and talk to potential employers (even though he's feeling crappy and is having asthma problems) is creating a bad loop (he already mentioned that he's afraid of letting me down - which probably happens in the day-to-day search now too because what if he can't do everything that day?). But I am proud of him. How do I get excited for him without making it about pleasing me? The housework is more subtle. I always try to thank him for his effort, and he thanks me for mine. I think we're getting on more of an even keel here, since it could be either of us who gets up to cook dinner, etc - but is this still manipulative, or just appreciative of not having to do it ourselves? I was trying to counteract the way his parents (still) react to his 'inability to get his act together', but I'm now seeing that I'm doing the same thing in a different way... Any insight?
And it does help to focus on the positive. And to focus on your needs. "It's really hard for me to cook when the dishes aren't done." is much more effective than working out a "schedule".
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Now a lot of that was probably due to the money-strain and taking into account the impact on the whole family, which I appreciate - I just hope there wasn't too much 'disappointing me' thrown in there. It's the first job he's had an interview at for 6 weeks of looking, and yes I am worried about when the next one will come along. I told him that I wouldn't want him to take it if it meant working at something or with people he had a hard time with just to get the money, but if it was because he was scared of getting trapped, that he could always quit in a month or two anyway. It's easier to get another job if you already have a foot in the door. And, no, I wasn't about to get upset.
