go away!

[homemademomma]

when i get home from work, ds turns into a total jerk with dh. he will yell at him to go away if dh does anything to piss him off (such as offer to help him , or tell him to do/not do such and such), and refuses to let dh help him with anything. i understand that this is due to me being away all day long, and i am willing to be his primary caretaker when i am home, but i am NOT okay with the meanness he shows toward dh!! has anyone else dealt with this? advice?

[speairson]

I'm not sure how old your ds is, but I would try to gently explain that words can hurt people's feelings and that he can have as much time in the evenings with you as he wants, and that daddy loves him and won't take away his time with you. I wouldn't try to make him feel bad or guilty for his feelings, just maybe explain in generic terms that words can hurt.

[guerrillamama]

have you read Playful Parenting? the author describes a similar situation w/ his daughter, ignoring/being mean to mommy when she got home from work. i... uh... can't actually remember how they dealt w/ it, but i'm sure it was playful.

[homemademomma]

Originally Posted by guerrillamama

. i... uh... can't actually remember how they dealt w/ it, but i'm sure it was playful.

thanks, thats helpful!

i havent read that book, but i will.

speairson, btdt. sometimes he will say that he wants to make papa sad.

[mbravebird]

If I were you I'd empathize, empathize, empathize. That's what I do when it happens to me, and it seems to smooth things out for us. I am usually the parent on the receiving end, because dh has been working really long hours the past few months and ds hardly sees him. They love each other so much, and if they're alone together and I try to come in or participate, ds will tell me to go away. He's 27 months old.

In our family, I see it as a healthy request for more time with dh, and I will try to honor his request so that they can reconnect. Spending time with a parent alone is much different than spending time with both parents, and kids sometimes need alone time with the parent they see less.

An example: on Mother's day we went on a hike and a creek walk. It was the first day off DH had had in a while. We were all having fun throwing rocks, and then dh and ds started playing a silly game together. I saw it as an opportunity to get some alone time for me and for them, so I went on a walk for a while. When I came back, they were still playing, and when ds saw me he said "No! Away, mama!" I said "You love playing with papa and you don't want to stop. You love your papa and you think you might have to stop being with him if I come close." Ds was quiet. I said "Well, I can take a quick walk up this other trail, so that you guys can spend more time together. I'm in the mood to walk a little more." Ds then said "can we come too??", and asked papa to carry him across the creek. We all walked together for a little while more.

But you can't expect the empathy to always change the behavior -- sometimes the child will continue to feel attached to playing only with the preferred parent. The point is that that's OK. The empathy usually just smooths things out emotionally, so that the child isn't feeling stressed by his feelings.

That's our experience, anyway.

[mbravebird]

So I just reread your post and realized that you were worried about the meanness, not the feelings themselves. I think, though, that if you (or, preferably, your husband), restates your ds's feelings in a more acceptable manner, i.e. using emotion words, wishes, and preferences, that ds will eventually be able to follow suit. I wonder if right now he's just overwhelmed by his emotion and not knowing what it means, or even what he wants. I feel confused like that as an adult, sometimes, too!

So I guess what I'm saying is that it might be helpful to see the behavior as a communication, and respond to the content of the communication (restated in more peaceful terms), rather than responding just to the behavior alone.

[gaialice]

I also dealt with a (somewhat different) situation in which my daughter (who was angry at me because I did not allow her to hit her oncle) was shouting at me to go away. What I did was that I hid behind the sofa where she was sitting and yelling. Then I said "You would like me to go away, but I do not feel like leaving. So, I'll stay right here and you do not have to see me" She started poking out from the sofa to see if I was still there and I pretended to hide from her making a funny face. She started laughing and the tantrum was over with. I understand that by doing this your dh would kind of interrupt your alone time with ds so I am not sure you want to try it or not.

[homemademomma]

mbravebird, your posts really resonated with me. me and dh talked and i am going to spend a good chunk of alone time with ds when i get home from work, and of course on weekends too. i'm hoping that will help temper his feelings a little bit, and i will talk to dh about the other stuff you said too. that helps ALOT

[mbravebird]

Oh, I'm glad our experiences resonated with you, and that you feel hopeful about new things to try. I hope it all starts feeling better soon.