How to deal with this very uncomfortable situation? UPDATE bottom pg 2 - Page 4

[grisandole]

Originally Posted by JoyofBirth

I would call CPS and make a report. They will interview your brothers. Also, prrint a copy of both e-mails with all the pertinent date, time, email address, etc. information you can. I know everybody is skeptical of CPS because thtey can step on an NFL/AP prernts life and ruin it over beliefs. I have seen CPS do a lot of goood though ttoo. And they are pretty good about investigating abuse. At leastt around here. The mom's reaction is a bit extreme. I'm not entirely sure that this means she knows something or is a part of something. I was molestted when I was young. I believe my mother also was. She is a sweep it under the rug kind of person. She flipped out one day when my niece and nephew(who are brother and sister) were showing each others their butts in the backyard pool one day. She screamed and yelled and made them get dressed and spend time away from each other and then yelled some more. I think it just opened an old wound. There was nothing going on. Sometimes people who have been wounded don't know how else to react. I would definitely contact CPS. The story could change drarmatically and you want to be sure your brothers are on record while it's still fresh. As time goes on details will fade and the mom could say she didn't know something happened and then her daughter gave her a different story later that involved your brothers. Good luck to you and your brothers. Be sure to tell them both that they did the right thing to tell you. And be sure they know that if they ever want to contact you and are told no to make a big fuss until they are aloowed to contact you.

Print out the emails and call. It does sound like something is truly off.

[Sijae]

If I were you I would be looking out for my family pretty carefully. I'd want to have the report to CPS come from you and the truth about your brothers involvement on record soon. I worry that if the girl is being abused she could easily transfer that to your brothers and accuse them if the real abuser is someone she loves or is very scared of or both. And your brothers being 28 and 15 would be prime targets. And aren't the statutes of limitations on sexual abuse being extended in many states?



Good luck,
Laura

[mama2toomany]

I did call CPS and let them know about what happened..they said someone would get back to me.

I only did this after my latest email from her this morning. Stating that if I told anyone anything about her house or her child she would "kick my ass"

Makes me sad but what can I do?

I also own a babysitting coop and a mothers play group and have since banned her.

I just can't get the denial out of my head.

I would also like to mention that when this happened and my brother told me about this we were alone... and then i spoke to my younger brother alone also with no outside influence. They both said pretty much the same thing but in different words. My older brother is sick to even think about it. I have asked him plenty of times if what he said was :all that happened" I let him know that it is not too late if he has left things out.... that I would not be mad at him.... I am 100% positive he is telling me the truth... same for my little brother.

Had it just been my little brother telling me this I would not be so sure... But having my older brother tell me I am 100% sure.

My younger brother is back home now (in another state) But my brother is starting to see a therapst next week to talk about this and anything else he needs to talk about.


I feel like he was the one molested. I know that might seem silly... And my heart breaks for A***** but If it comes down to it I will bare knuckle box for my brother. I am not a violent woman AT ALL. and I hate confrontation but he is so dear to me, Like my own child that I have the mama bear syndrom.... the scariest place in the world is between a mother and her child ....


But I will not resort to threats or argueing like my former Friend is doing... it is not worth it.

[grisandole]

Good for you! Her reaction seals my suspicions, that is not a normal way to act, kwim?

Print out copies of all the emails for CPS, so that you will be covered and they will be aware that she is irrational and wishes to cause your family strife.

I'm sending energy your way

[Yoshua]

i am glad you have the heart and guts to follow this through.


really is awesome. I hope that we are all mistaken, but my gut tells me otherwise..... That lil girl needs all the help she can get if her mom doesn't know enough to protect her.

[mama2toomany]

Thanks!! I really appreciate all the input I got here. I spoke to a few friends and members of my board... without saying what happened... Just asked if there was anything 'off' they noticed..

wow! one mother said that she showed up and my former friend was sleeping while she was babysitting 3 four yr olds... and a bunch of other things that are kinda weird... So I am suprised no one mentioned anything before.



Thank you everyone!

Yoshua
I love your siggy!

[bewitchedmama]

my other 2 cents, well i guess it's more like a consult fee hehehe

ok--my opinion again

I generally will run from CPS as well, and I work with them daily..but in an instance like this when you can't get the parents to intervene appropriately, it's time to call in the authorities who will force her to deal with the issues.

I prefer, and counsel my parents to deal with it with a professional if at all possible, but this doesn't sound possible at this juncture.

Whatever the case, the child has been exposed to some innappropriate behavior, and needs intervention before it escalates or the child actually becomes a statistic.

I applaud you for you concern and your compassionate approach to help a child who is so obviously suffering.

Usually, when a child acts out, they are screaming for someone to notice without any verbalization at all.

Please continue with your persistence, society needs more people like you.

[Jennifer Z]

Originally Posted by mama2toomany

I feel like he was the one molested. I know that might seem silly...

That doesn't seem silly to me at all. That sound insightful. It sounds like it reflects how he feels. I am very glad you are getting him help (the therapist). He needs his feeling validated and help healing so he can get past this. He might not have been "molested", but I would think it would certainly be considered "sexual harrasment", which is in the same vein and causes emotional scarring too.

Like many PPs said, document...document...document. I know there are bad CPS workers out there, but the vast majority went into the field to help, not to seek revenge or rip apart families. I really don't think you will have a problem. I think it will be pretty evident that you are coming from a place of concern, not malice. I also think it will be pretty clear that she is not reacting in an appropriate manner to the behaviour of her dd.

[mama2toomany]

Today a social worker came to talk to my brother. She came in to us, witch was very nice of her. She seemed to understand he was more "delayed" than he really is... She brought the anitomically correct dolls and all that. But he was very brave and told her (alone) everything that happened.

I am unsure of what will happen after this... She seems to think it is a problem and will "look into it"

And she also mentioned after I printed up all the emails. that we should try to get a temporary restraining order against her.

So I will be looking into that tomorrow.

[~member~]

Originally Posted by mama2toomany

Today a social worker came to talk to my brother. She came in to us, witch was very nice of her. She seemed to understand he was more "delayed" than he really is... She brought the anitomically correct dolls and all that. But he was very brave and told her (alone) everything that happened.

I am unsure of what will happen after this... She seems to think it is a problem and will "look into it"

And she also mentioned after I printed up all the emails. that we should try to get a temporary restraining order against her.

So I will be looking into that tomorrow.

So glad you took your brothers seriously. I hope you and your family find safety and peace.

[Joannarachel]

I've been following this thread. As a survivor of abuse, I want to give you an enormous for helping that poor little girl.

I hope your brothers find peace

[mama2toomany]

I remember when I was 17? I was asked by a social worker to go on a radio station and talk about my abuse... I couldn't do it... to this day I regret that.

I used to think social workers did not do there job... keeping children safe. Bare with me this may be a bit long. But will explain some of why I fear nothing will happen for this little girl... Lets pray that times have changed.

When I was 8 I was in 3rd grade and was sick for two weeks. I couldn't go to school so when I went back to school I had all this homework.. they sent me home with it all and never showed me how to do it... So My mother sent me to the basement to do it... I would come up once and hour.. she would see that I didn't do any of it and I would get a spanking... with a tephalon spoon because the "wooden ones break" finally after about 4 spankings I started to scream "I can't do it if you don't show me how" My mother picked me up and threw me onto a kitchen chair... she smaked me so hard my head went rolling into the corner of a table... the edge of the table cut into my eyeball and I began to bleed and swell very badly. She put ice on it and told me "when your dad gets home you tell him you fell down the stairs, you tell him that or I will kill you tonight:" I believed her! So when my father came home that is what I said... I fell down the stairs.

The swelling got worse and worse and the bleeding was bad.. so after two days my mom thought maybe she should take me to a doctor,,,, I never got to talk to the dr... I fell down the stairs... Dr told mother I had a ruptured cornia and that I would need some physical therapy to get things ok again.....

I went back to school.... I planned all night what I was going to do... I was going to tell my teacher Mrs. Mathews what really happened... then some person would come and take me and my brother away and I would never have to go back home. I would get a new nicer mommy. It was perfect right?

Well I went to school and got scared and didn't say anything. My teacher asked me what happened to my eye and I said like a robot... I fell down the stairs... she didn't buy that.... she called the police... they took me into a room by the principles office and asked me to tell them the truth.. they knew i didn't fall down the stairs... if I did where are my other injuries... i showed them bruises on my back and they said "well those look old to me" so i was going to get into trouble I had to tell them the truth because I didn't want to go to jail because I lied to the police...

I said "my mom did it" i told them everything I could remember... everything I could think of... what she did to us everyday... what was going to happen to me if she found out I talked to them... what she does to my brother. That my father didn't help us. That I was scared to go home.

They called in social workers... then they called my mom.... she came in... I remember her looking at me like she wanted to hurt me. they sent me out into the hallway and I remember hereing my mother cry that she lost her temper at me... she didn't know why... she was a horrible mother... she never ment to hurt me... on and on i can't forget her crying.

I was so excited... I was going to be taken away! I was going to get to leave. I mean I told them what happened and she was in there crying about doing this to me... thank God ... I prayed all the time for this one moment to happen.

Then the social workers and cops came back into the hall way and I will never forget ever what I heard them say

I heard my mom say :Am I going to lose her?

and the social worker said "ma'am If I thought there was reason to believe your daughter life was in danger she would be in a squad car right now.

Then they told her to take me home... get some counseling.... I got home and went into my room and just waited,... i thought she was going to kill me... she came in and picked up my box fan and hit me in the head with it 3 times. and my family never spoke about what happened. there was no court no nothing..no shrink... I went to physical therapy for my eye... and still have sight problems with it today. So that is why I hated CPS they failed me.

Then about 6 years ago... my mother found a new family to abuse.. they had a 3 yr old son.. and i was sure she was torturing him like she did us.... I called CPS but didn't have vailid evidance the child was in danger. SO I spoke to a worker on the phone... her name was tina.. I called everyday until they went there... my mom lost custody of her 3 yr old step son... her husband at the time stayed with her until the end... the boy i think was adopted... I don't really know.

My mother died 3 years ago in her sleep. I tell myself everyday to forgive her... I do.. she was clearly sick and she was most definatly evil. I tell myself that God wants me to forgive her... I do but I just can't forget about it. I always think about how my life would be if they would have taken me and my brother away from her that day... I would have had 8 less years of abuse behind my belt... who knows.

I really hope things are better and the meeting with the social worker felt good... I am trying to put my faith in the system.. but it is hard.

Sorry this was so long and winded. just had to get that out of me.

[KatyMom]

I'm so sorry that you had to endure that growing up. I'm so sorry that the system failed you. Please try to remember that back in the day, the system failed many a battered wife and child. Many people are working hard everyday to change the system, unfortunately it doesn't change overnight. I hope that the system doesn't fail this child as well.

Please take some comfort in the fact that you did not fail this child. You did not look the other way, or make up some excuse to write-off her behaviour. I applaud your efforts. You have handled yourself with intelligence and class.

As for this....

My mother died 3 years ago in her sleep. I tell myself everyday to forgive her... I do.. she was clearly sick and she was most definatly evil. I tell myself that God wants me to forgive her... I do but I just can't forget about it. I always think about how my life would be if they would have taken me and my brother away from her that day... I would have had 8 less years of abuse behind my belt... who knows.

Speaking as a survivor of abuse - You can forgive, but you never forget. I applaud you once more for taking steps to make sure that you do not repeat the mistakes of the past. It can be so easy to become angry and slip into the role of abuser, after all, it's all we know.

[Mama8]

I too speak as a survivor of abuse. There can be a time when what happened to you will not beat you down anymore. You will never forget but there can be a time when it does not define you.

I light a candle in memory of all the little children who have lost their childhood to abuse may they never be forgotten. Sometimes I cry for the little girl who was.


Sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread.

[mama2toomany]

Oh you didn't hijack anything!!! I thought your post was lovely!

[Joannarachel]

mama2toomany...

I was also failed miserably by the people who could have helped me, who could have prevented years, and years of abuse.

I know if I met the woman who was responsible for failing me, even now I could push her into traffic and not feel a single bit of guilt about it.

[Starflower]

The fact that the system failed you as a child so horribly and you still had the courage to go through the system to help A****** is commendable.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your brothers and that little girl.

You and your brothers sound like amazing people.

[stellimamo]

OP- congradulations on stopping the cycle of violence and then going one step further and speaking out.

[trinity6232000]

Originally Posted by mama2toomany

Sorry this was so long and winded. just had to get that out of me.

Don't apologize mama2toomany. Reading your post, and this whole
thread has been incredibly healing for me.

[mama2toomany]

I feel so much better today.... I felt so mad when I wrote that post above... I feel very light today... communication has a way of making things much much better.