How do you teach your child to be kind to others?

[Mommiska]

OK - lame title, but I wasn't sure what to put. Maybe teaching empathy?

When I dropped dd1 off at preschool this morning, one of her little friends immediately came up to her and wanted dd1 to sit next to her (this is a friend from church, so dd1 sees her both at church and when we get together with friend and her mom). DD1 ignored her and sat down next to another little girl.

I felt so badly for dd1's little friend. But there wasn't a whole lot I could do at the time.

I felt a bit better when I picked dd1 up. She and this friend had obviously been playing together with some other little girls, and the friend asked me if she could come over to dd's house sometime. I told her I'd call her mom and we'd work something out.

But - how have you encouraged your children to be kind to/think of other peoples' feelings? I know this is an on-going thing we'll have to work on (I can remember being just horrible to people when I was in high school ), but where do you start with a 3 year old?

Any input/ideas would be very much appreciated!

[Chelly2003]

Sorry I can't help much. My DS is 3 1/2, and he's a pretty good kid. For the longest time he was the only person in the day care that one of the other little boys would talk to. My son would sit next to him on his little bed at nap times, talk to him and play.... my DS was the perfect little angel.
But on the other hand for some unknown reasons he won't talk or play with other children.
I think we just have to respect their judgement sometimes, I'm not at the day care all that long, so I don't know who his friends are, but I'm sure all the kids get along just fine.
Also - I'm sure my son has been on the other end of this kind of thing as well....... I guess they have to learn how to handle it before they get to highschool.

Chelly

[PM]

Model the behavior you want from your child - especially in your couple, if you are in one.
This is important for me: when your child says, "That hurt!" or "It's hot!" or whatever, don't deny it, don't say "It's OK!" or "Not it's not!". Say "I'm sorry!" even if you are 100% sure you didn't do anything to hurt him/her.

On another note, my nearly 3 year-old is the same way. I think it's the age. My dd is very kind and loving, but when a little girl holds out her hand to take hers, she is totally oblivious.

[Mommiska]

Thanks for the encouragement...it helps to know at least that my 3 year old isnt' the only one...

Would you approach it at all with your 3 year old, do you think? Talk abou the importance of being kind to people/does it make them sad when people ignore them/etc?

It's just hard to know at this stage how much goes in and stays in, you know?

[Chelly2003]

Carolyn,
I think you could try - there is no harm in it, better than just ignoring it when a little one is mean, but it might be tough to explain it to a 3 year old.
Every now and then I tell my son to be nice, etc. .. but the time has to be right.
Its hard at this age to teach them stuff like that, they only see the NOW and can't see that in a few minute someone might be mean to them.
Chelly

[PM]

Personally, I wouldn't do a "you should be this" or "you be nice" (not saying it's bad or damaging or anything) because I think small children twist things in their minds and could get the message that they are not nice (I've seen this in my mother and her upbringing). I always approach it using the other child's feelings, "Look! The little girl wanted to hold your hand. She looks kinda sad. Did you not want to hold her hand?" My Iris will give her a lookover and say "nope." I can't force her, you know? But now she has older girls in her preschool who baby her a lot and she's becoming much more open to the affection and hand-holding.

It's also good for her to spend time with a friend of hers who is always so generous. I think children can model behavior for each other, too.

[Thao]

Would you approach it at all with your 3 year old, do you think? Talk abou the importance of being kind to people/does it make them sad when people ignore them?

Absolutely! But like PM, I usually approach it by trying to help my dd (she's also 3) to put herself in the other kid's shoes, rather than by saying something like "it's not nice to ignore her". I don't buy it that kids this age are incapable of empathy. They are, just not consistently. Sometimes dd will be mean to another kid and after I've talked to her (Do you remember how you felt when XX treated you like that? Do you think YY is feeling that way now because you did that?) she will go over and give the kid a hug. Other times, of course, she will not. Which is fine, I don't force it, but I think it would be an abdication of my responsibility as a parent if I did not talk to her about it.

[Mommiska]

Thanks everyone. So far, that's the general approach I take when dd1 is unkind to dd2. It hasn't been so much of an issue with friends, but I guess she's getting to that age...

It's so hard sometimes, isn't it? You hate to see your children hurt, but I think I hate it almost as much when I see my child hurt others...

That said, she's a lovely little girl, and usually plays very well with others. This is the first time I've seen this (although I'm sure not the last)...