DH Believes in Spanking - Page 2

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by earthie_mama

I admit he repeatedly touches he KNOWS he is not supposed to. I can tell, because he will go to touch it, and then look at me, with the cutest little mischevious grin, so he knows he is not supposed to be doing what he is about to do.

I agree with the pp's about what kids can understand and what impulse control can be expected.
He looks at you while he's doing it because he knows you will stop him. He doesn't know that HE ought to stop himself. lol
At 1yo, I started teaching ds that some things were not for him to touch. (a very few things). It definitely helped to explain to him WHY. Even though he couldn't understand what I said, it did help. Maybe because he knew that I was trying to explain to him? Maybe because, by explaining, my tone of voice was more pleasant, and it made it more agreeable? But it definitely did not take long for him to really understand those explanations. I'd say by 18 mos, for sure. (at 12 mos, my explanation for a lot was "That's not for you to play with." I'd add a brief reason sometimes "its unsafe")

So I'd tell him the trash can was not for him to touch. Then go get him if he touched it. I'd try to "catch" him going towards it, and kneel down and get all smiley and playful, and ask him to come to me to play with me. If he touched it, I picked him up, said it wasn't for him to play with, and we went to play. Sometimes, he'd look at the trash can, and decide to come to me instead. Honestly, it took 3 days for him to stop trying to touch the trash can.

And redirection helps. Redirect to a *similar activity* (honor the impulse)- if he's playing with cords, find a safe way for him to play with string or a cord. I don't know how I'd redirect touching an outlet. lol. hmmm...
I totally understand why a baby would feel inclined to go back to the cords (that was their impulse) if they are "redirected" to play with a ball or a stuffed animal. The original impulse is still there! He needs you to help him find a way to express that impulse in an acceptable way.

This outlet cover will definitely keep little hands away from outlets! And it keeps them from being able to unplug things. I have one for the outlet that I keep my lamp plugged into, and its hard even for an adult, if you don't know exactly how to do it. You have to squeeze and pull at the same time. http://www.babyuniverse.com/pro/baby...letCovers.html
I got one from Walmart I think.

[13moons]

re: the plug covers

Originally Posted by earthie_mama

What are these outlet boxes of which you speak? Does it keep him from being able to unplug things?!?!? Amazing! (If it indeed does)

The ones Deva33mommy just posted about are good for things you may need to unplug occasionally. We also had some that were basically permanent, screwed on boxes--good for thingslike the TV, etc. that really don't ever get unplugged. I'll see if I can find a link. We also replaced our other outlet covers with the ones where the part covering the actual plug holes, slides shut when there is not a plug in it. Of course they can be pried open but it is tough for little hands with limited motor skills so at the very least it would take them a while to get into it. At best, they won't even bother because they can't see the plug holes anymore so it isn't that interesting. HTH.

I also want to say, since this seems to be a main concern for you, that I had to do all this for my third child. The first two never even bothered with plugs and cords, etc. So, you never know, this particular issue may not even be one for the next little one you have.

[l_olive]

Originally Posted by earthie_mama

I have brought this up numerous times to my DH, he says at this point it doesn't matter, b/c he only thinks hand-slapping is effective when the child is very young, so they will associate a negative 'feeling' to the object they touch.

I've heard this kind of thing so many times, and it just never makes sense to me.

Why isn't it more logical to assume that he will associate a negative "feeling" to his father's hands? Um... the hands (and the person attached to them) are doing the pain-giving -- not the object he was reaching for. Your baby is smart enough to figure out what exactly is causing him pain, I would think.

I'm so baffled by the "logic."

--Olive

[cjuniverse]

Long response

My brother and I also laugh our butts off whenever we think about our parents method for evoking 'respect' from us. It certainly didn't work. In fact, it had the complete opposite effect in my case. I positively loathed both of my parents until very recently because of it (and other things). If you had a heated disagreement with an adult and they hit or slapped you to 'make their point', would that incite your respect? Of course not. It would piss you the hell off, and said person would likely get thrown in jail.

People hit children out of impatience, anger, frustration, and sometimes hatred, period. It has nothing to do with discipline. Anyone who says otherwise is deluded or a liar. If it isn't acceptable to strike another adult, who can fight back, it is indefensible to strike a child, who cannot. This 'method' is practiced because for some absurdity children are not protected from physical assault by social doctrine and/or the law. Beating up babies because we can't control our *own* impulses is so freakin' inexcusable I don't see how this could be. Just because it's done doesn't mean it should be done. It should be done away with, today.

If a child gets into something they shouldn't, say no and remove them with an explanation about why. If they ask for something they can't have, say no and explain to them why. If they do something they aren't supposed to, remind them of that and why. If they throw a tantrum, express compassion and either remain at their side or leave, depending on the situation. If they repeat the aforementioned behaviors, repeat your 'no's' and explanations until they stop repeating them. It may take some persistence and much patience, but those are essential components of our job as parents. Persistence and patience.

Granted, my child is very young and I haven't had to deal with this just yet. Let alone deal with it stressed, sick, overwhelmed, etc. But in my mind, grown men and women have no business getting wound up to the point of violence over normal, natural behaviors of babies and young children. If you're *that* tempermental and unreasonable (coming from someone with quite a temper herself), it is incumbent upon you to change YOUR behavior to protect and effectively raise your children. Not beat your offspring into compliance with your personality flaws.

Obviously pretty passionate about this. I know my suggestions won't be in agreement with others', just offering my (verbose) thoughts.

[13moons]

Originally Posted by cjuniverse

If a child gets into something they shouldn't, say no and remove them with an explanation about why. If they ask for something they can't have, say no and explain to them why. If they do something they aren't supposed to, remind them of that and why. If they throw a tantrum, express compassion and either remain at their side or leave, depending on the situation. If they repeat the aforementioned behaviors, repeat your 'no's' and explanations until they stop repeating them. It may take some persistence and much patience, but those are essential components of our job as parents. Persistence and patience.

Granted, my child is very young and I haven't had to deal with this just yet. Let alone deal with it stressed, sick, overwhelmed, etc. But in my mind, grown men and women have no business getting wound up to the point of violence over normal, natural behaviors of babies and young children. If you're *that* tempermental and unreasonable (coming from someone with quite a temper herself), it is incumbent upon you to change YOUR behavior to protect and effectively raise your children. Not beat your offspring into compliance with your personality flaws.

Obviously pretty passionate about this. I know my suggestions won't be in agreement with others', just offering my (verbose) thoughts.

(Bolding is mine.) As someone who has three kids ages 11.5 y.o., 8.5 y.o. and 6 y.o., I have had to deal with this and more. I've dealt with it sick, angry, depressed, stressed and sometimes all at the same time and then some. I just wanted to say that coming from a place of experience, I completely agree with the method you've described. Yes, it is effective. No, it isn't quick and it isn't easy. But it does encourage mutual respect, confidence, trust and security which hitting a child will never do.

[irinam]

Originally Posted by cjuniverse

I know my suggestions won't be in agreement with others'.

Oh yes, they very much will be

Another mother that has been through toddllerhood, teenagehood, sick, high-spirited, quietly stubborn, you name it, is completely agreeing with you

[Ayala Eilon]

Ask your husband if he can be absolutly sure, and has the scientific knowledge that hitting children does not scar them emotionally. Tell him that research flies in the face of what he believes in. It is not a questiong of beliefs, but of reality.
If he wants to have a vote on how to parent, he must educate himself and then prove his point against all the evidence.
I agree that "Unconditional Parenting" is the first book he should read. Alfie Kohn is a researcher and does a great job of making it really clear why all punishment hurts children. But, he does not give clear tools to replace spanking and punishment. The best book that will touch his heart and reveal to him that he was hurt as a child and give him tools, is the book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Look at the review on Amazon.
It says exactly what you DH needs to hear:
Every parent would happily give up ever scolding, punishing or threatening if she only knew how to ensure that her toddler/child/teen would thrive and act responsibly without such painful measures. Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves is the answer to this universal wish. It is not about gentle ways to control a child, but about a way of being and of understanding a child so she/he can be the best of herself, not because she fears you, but because she wants to, of her own free will.
"Aldort’s book should be on the must read list of all Moms and Dads. This book could carry a subtitle: "Saving the Emotional Lives of Our Children and The Future of Humanity.""
- James Prescott, Ph.D. Institute of Humanistic Science