Found tantrum trigger, what next?

[BohoMama]

In the last 2 weeks or so, my DS (3 1/2) has been pulling frightful tantrums as we leave his Waldorf preschool, and he did it once when we were entering. He seizes on any kind of reason and then just loses it. Won't walk, sits, screams, flails, or - worse - drops my hand and tries to run into traffic while I huff and puff to catch up with a baby and all of their gear in tow. The very worst was earlier this week. He started being a little fussy on the way to the car, and when we got him into the seat and got the car into motion he said that he wanted to go back for his "little box." We asked him what little box he meant, but in between sobs and wails we could not understand him. DH, meanwhile, was on a tight schedule to get to work and he thought that whatever Andrej had forgotten, we could be sure to pick up the next day. He promised to ask the teachers about the next morning. Andrej worked himself up into a fine hysteria, and Amadea, sitting next to him, also began screaming. (We discovered later that it was because he had scratched her all over her hand and arm! Not normal behavior for him at all - usually he is very kind and loving with her.) Nothing helped him calm down, either in the moving car or when we stopped. Underway again at full speed on the highway, I turned around for the nth time and found him OUT of his car seat straps, standing up on the seat and leaning against the partly-opened window!!!!! He was still screaming and evidently bent on escaping from the moving vehicle. Heart attacks all around.

We have discussed these episodes after he has cooled off, but they keep happening. Today was a little better ONLY because there was a fair near our village and I had promised to take him there conditional on good behavior. Obviously, though, this is not the way to help him or to get to the bottom of whatever the problem is.

Don't get me wrong about the trigger, it is clear that he loves school and loves his teachers, and he says that they love him too. I don't think the problem is aversion to either school or to home, but something about the transition bothers him.

HELP!!!!!

[BohoMama]

Same thing happened again yesterday. We went to pick him up, he greeted us with a big smile, and then his face clouded over and "I WANT TO GO TO IKEA!!!" I said that we were not going there, but we were going into Prague, and going to the market, and I would buy him a spring roll and a spinach pocket. "I WANT TO GO TO IKEA, MAMA I WANT TO GO IKEA....(etc. etc. etc.)" We go to Ikea maybe 3x a year - it seems to me that he seized upon this idea because he knew it was next to impossible. LIke I wrote before, he is trying to create a conflict so that he can then throw a tantrum.

His teacher said maybe he is doing this because he keeps everything pent up during school and then feels OK releasing it on his parents.

But what should we do??? Giving him absolutely free rein to release his emotions can't work when some of his behavior is so dangerous. The other thing is that he doesn't calm down with time - he intensifies the raging until he does things that really cross the line. When he tantrumed that time when we were arriving, the teacher and I decided it would be best if I left after 1/2 hour of my presence did nothing to calm him. She said later that after I was gone, he settled down very quickly. The times this has happened after school, I have tried waiting around with him, but it's the same thing, and sooner or later DH and/or I alone end up packing him up into the car kicking and flailing.

Please help!!!

[Piglet68]

Well, I have to say that I feel something is going on here, since this doesn't sound too normal to me. Do you have an observation room at the school where you can watch and not be seen? Could you maybe take him out of school for a week or so and see if there is an improvement?

What the teacher said is bang on, I believe. Anthony Wolf wrote about this in his book "The Secret of Parenting". While I wasn't totally taken with his techniques, what he wrote about kids releasing emotions when they are with those they are closest to really made sense to me and he explained it really well.

Another suggestion is to give yourself plenty of time when you pick him up. Don't schedule stuff that makes you be in a hurry, because that just adds to your stress. Also, can you put your baby in a sling on your back to keep her out of the way and free you up to make sure he is safe? The car seat doesn't sound too good if he can get out - we have a Britax and while DD can undo the shoulder clip she cannot undo the one between her legs, so she can't get out.

His tantrums do sound pretty extreme so my next suggestion may not be doable. Sometimes when DD is really upset about something, like leaving a precious toy behind, and we just cannot go back and get it, I'll just let her tantrum and show alot of sympathy and empathy for how she is feeling. I think times like that can be good for kids when they see that they can deal with frustration and move to a place of acceptance. (Neufeld writes about this).

But given the severity and duration of his tantrums, and their apparently sudden manifestation, I would really be leaning to thinking that something is going on in his little world and he's coping with it the only way he knows how. Hope you figure it out!

[BohoMama]

Thank you Piglet,

Observation room: yes. We can look in from the cloakroom. Every time we see him he is either still napping (and we go in and wake him up) or else he is being a little gentleman and eating his snack with the other kids. It's occurred to me that the behavior might be caused by tiredness, since sometimes we have to wake him, but there doesn't seem to be any correlation between sleeping late at school and freaking out. Getting him to bed earlier hasn't had any effect either. The teachers don't think he's coming into school tired, they attribute the late sleeping to his playing so actively while he's there. (He is extremely lively.)

Taking him out of school for a while: this coming Saturday we are flying to America. We will be there for 3 weeks. That will be quite a change. Hopefully it will help him forget this negative pattern.

Scheduling: I don't have to be anywhere after school, but when DH is with us he often does have to plan to make it to work on time. After getting Andrej, he takes us home and then drives alone into the city, where he works evenings. However, Andrej pulls the tantrums whether or not we are in a hurry on that particular day.

Amadea isn't yet old enough to ride on my back - she is only 4 1/2 months. I have just started sitting her on my hip this week, but I still need an arm to support her back.

Car seat: we could have extra straps sewn on as we did with his earlier model. This is the first time he's tried that trick in maybe 2 years. better safe than sorry, though.

Sympathy/Empathy: When he's in the tantrum, he does not seem to hear or otherwise register anything that anyone says. He just keeps repeating his unreasonable demand and getting progressively more violent towards anyone who tries to touch him. The teacher pointed out that kids get to a place "totally beyond" where they can't react to what people say to them. I'm all for sympathy, but its effects are going to be subtle, maybe even unconscious - they do not stop the tantrum. Neither does anything else. DH even threw water on him once with the theory that it would "cool him off" or snap him out of the hysteria. Of course it had the opposite effect, making him more enraged.

What do you think he wants from us? We cannot figure it out. When he finally does calm down, usually not too long before we get home (it's about a 45-minute ride), he is quiet and alert and very sweet. Just like nothing happened, and the rest of the afternoon/evening usually passes without any significant trouble. It's really like the calm after a storm. Sometimes he even apologizes for his behavior. But it keeps repeating anyway.

Hmmmm......

p.s. What is your degree in? I'm defending mine in Sociocultural Anthropology on June 5.

[mbravebird]

So, what was going on 2-3 weeks ago? Did he get any new information? Did anything new start happening? Is it an anniversary of any emotionally significant event? Rack your brain here -- even consider things that you think he wouldn't know about.

When I hear that he totally stops after you guys leave, it sounds to me like whatever the issue is, it involves him wanting you to know something, or involves your relationship in some way. He doesn't need to work out this issue, whatever it is, with the teachers or kids.

How do the post-tantrum discussions go, when you bring up your concern for him? So interesting how he goes calm and sweet and alert after a while.

Also, sympathy is significantly different than empathy. Which are you using with him? What are some of the things you say to him when you are trying empathy during a tantrum?

yeesh, sounds so challenging. Here's hoping that your sweet boy can help you understand soon...